Chapter 59

Vi’s expression takes on a look of extreme concern over the fact that I died in a game. “Don’t be ridiculous, Vi. We only got this far because we worked together. I won’t force you to take responsibility for a little mistake like this…” “Mr. Six… Yes, you’re right! Let’s focus on getting past this point for now!” During our exchange, the main character respawns, depleting one of his lives in the process. Viper and I start over, determined to get through this section… “…Hey, I hate to interrupt you two while you seem to be having so much fun, but once you’ve made a little more progress, I need you to get back to work.” Here comes Alice’s voice, sounding as annoyed as ever. I don’t know when she sneaked in, but the android’s back with a brand-new stack of papers. “……Er!” Viper suddenly turns beet-red and covers her face with both hands. I guess she’s embarrassed for getting too absorbed in the game. “Vi, you can’t pretend nothing happened just by hiding your face, Vi. So let’s just get through this level, Vi.” Despite the fact that we’re pretty close to getting past this level, she no longer says a peep and isn’t much help anymore. Guess I’ll have to finish this on my own! 4 It’s been several days since Heine and Viper arrived at the hideout. Seems Viper’s really good at crunching through paperwork, to the point where Alice has given her an office, and she’s busy at work there today. “Vi, I’ve got a puzzle here. ‘A fire above, a flood below. Speak my name, and thou shalt pass.’ What do you think that means?” As for me, I’m sprawled out on the couch, struggling to figure out a riddle in a game. I really did attempt to clear it on my own, but it’s important to know when to accept your limitations and cut your losses. Scratching her pen across the paperwork, Viper raises her gaze after a moment. “Perhaps it’s the Flaming Sea Monster, the Balubalu Hydra, that’s said to live on an island nation to the far west. It’s a giant monster that has a brightly burning crest, and I’m told that, in order to keep its body temperature in check, it’s always got its lower body soaking in the ocean.” “You sure are smart, Vi.” In the game’s text box, I enter Flaming Sea Monster Balubalu Hydra. “God’s wrath upon the fool who answered incorrectly!” Inside the game screen, accompanied by those words, a horde of monsters attack the main character. “Vi! Vi!” “My apologies! It seems I was wrong! Then the alternative is the Inferno-Frost Divinity, Magmarion. It’s a demigod worshipped by a certain tribe, said to manipulate burning magma and freeze everything it touches with its frost breath.” As I input the answer as told, the screen fills with monsters. “To the fool who answered incorrectly multiple times, begone!” “Looks like that’s wrong, too, Vi!” The main character becomes monster food, and I’m shown the game over screen. “My apologies! I’m sorry, very sorry! I’ll pay for this with my body…” “You need to stop offering your body at the drop of a hat, Vi! I’m a guy, y’know! It’s getting harder and harder to resist!” Just then. A knock on the office door, followed by Rose making an appearance. “Boss, you here? Ms. Alice told me to come play with you just in case you were bugging Ms. Viper.” “Oh? I’m not bugging her. I’m just having her help with the puzzles that sometimes show up in this game.” “I think that counts as bugging.” As Rose hops onto the open spot on my couch, she starts munching on the snacks in the office. It’s the moment Alice’s plans fail and the number of useless anchors in the room doubles. “Aren’t you supposed to be here to play with me? Why are you munching on snacks, then?” “I don’t understand the reason, but I find being in the same room with Ms. Viper really soothing. It’s like it helps me relax and calms me down enough make me sleepy.” It’s not really a reason to toss aside her work and start eating snacks, but now that I think of it, she was napping in the Demon Lord’s Castle, too. From what I hear, the room Rose was napping in was the same one where the last Demon Lord often lost himself in his research. I wonder if that means she’s got some sort of connection to demons of the Demon Lord bloodline… “Why are you staring so intently at my face, Boss? I’m not giving you any of these snacks. Ms. Alice is strict in limiting me to one bag a day.” Nah, I can’t imagine this airheaded Chimera’s got anything to do with Demon Lords. “You know, I didn’t really want any, but after hearing you say that, I wanna take ’em from you. C’mon, hand over the snacks! Resistance is futile!” “What, are we fighting? You know I don’t back down when it comes to food. Maybe it’s because I’ve been eating lots of mokemokes in the woods lately, but I feel like I can smash rocks with my fingers when I hold them out like scissors.” After carefully placing the snacks on the couch, Rose makes scissors with her index and middle fingers, waving her hand at me threateningly. I guess the fact that we haven’t done much fighting lately means this rookie’s getting a little cocky. “You’re on. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Last time we fought was in the desert. I held back that time before things got too nasty, but I’m not showing any mercy this time. We’re going all the way.” “Hey, I’m sorry. Let’s not do this. You can have some of my snacks. I just have a really bad feeling about this… I mean, not to ask this again, but what exactly did you do to me back then?” “I would appreciate it if you could do whatever you’re talking about outside. It would let me focus on my task…” As Viper chimes in apologetically, Rose and I agree to a truce to avoid interrupting her work any further. Instead, we sit on the couch eating snacks. Seeing us sitting side by side and eating, Viper chuckles softly. “When you’re like that, you two look like siblings.” Rose and I exchange glances at Viper’s remark. “I’d prefer a cute, girlie little sister who regularly comes to me to get doted on.” “And I’d prefer a big brother who spoils me and gives me snacks every day.” Right as I think Rose and I are about to go at it again, I realize something. “Hey, you’ve been here a while now, Vi, but I haven’t heard any updates regarding the negotiations with the kingdom of Grace. They sure are taking their sweet time…” I’ve left all the negotiations to Alice, but it seems she’s struggling against the scheming Princess Tillis. Rose interjects with her mouth full of food. “Yew hafn’t feard? …Gulp. Princess Tillis is showing a little reluctance over the fact that we want to let demons, the longtime enemy of humankind, settle just outside the kingdom.” I guess from a Japanese-ish point of view, I feel like the decent thing to do would be to give the poor refugees a place to settle. Having been involved in this war for a while, though, I can understand Tillis’s perspective, too. This war’s been going on for way too long. Because so many men have died in battle, female soldiers are a common sight these days. That gives you some sense of just how deep the rift is between both sides. With each nation having committed to a fight to the finish, having us suddenly show up and announce, We’re taking in the enemy, so let’s play nice, isn’t going to be acceptable to most. I mean, this kingdom’s people were so desperate, they were clinging to a prophecy that a Chosen One would arise and defeat the Demon Lord. As for the demons, with their lands turned into desert, having Lilith take out that giant lizard and open up the Great Woods for settlement is a huge stroke of luck. But given that the Demon Lord’s Army used up most of its money and can’t pay much in reparations, it’s hardly worth celebrating for the kingdom of Grace. “Yeah, I can understand not wanting to suddenly be all buddy-buddy with a longtime enemy… I guess the best solution is for the Demon Lord’s Army’s ally nation, Toris, to let them settle there. “I can understand why the demons had to go to war, though, given all the land they lost. I mean, I don’t think I’d be able to resist, either, if there wasn’t any food.” It’s weirdly convincing when Rose is the one saying it, given she tried to eat me when she was hungry. Just then— “All Combat Agents assemble in front of the hideout. Don’t forget your weapons. We’re under attack by a giant monster. Get your asses out there ASAP!” —an extremely tense announcement from Alice from the hideout’s PA. The sudden interruption causes Rose to choke on her snacks as I jump out of the office. I stop by my room to grab my R-Buzzsaw and exit the base. 5 There’s a giant mole outside. “Wh-what the hell is this…?!” Even though I can’t contain my surprise, I’ve actually seen this thing before. It’s the Sand King, the giant mole we ran into in the desert. Nearby, Combat Agents have already climbed into the heavy equipment and started grappling with the Sand King. “Ah, there you are, Six. I see you’ve got your R-Buzzsaw. Good, go ahead and try that. The others are using guns, but nothing seems to work on this thing.” Alice noticed me from one of the construction machines and gave me an order, but I’d rather not approach it on foot. “Alice, get off that thing and hop in the Destroyer! The repairs are done, right?! It could handle that mole, I bet!” “Mr. Destroyer is still having a break at the power plant. He has a voracious appetite and hasn’t consumed his fill. And although he can run on either jet fuel or electricity, the former costs way too many points. Since he used up so much energy clearing away the woods, I’m recharging him right now.” But this is the sort of situation where Mr. Destroyer is the most needed! As everyone surrounds the Sand King, it twitches its nose and stands up on its hind legs. I always knew it was big, but seeing it looming in front of me is a wholly different experience altogether. I’m pretty sure this thing’s gonna stomp me flat if I get too close. Just as I wilt a bit under its gaze— “RRRROOOOOOOOOOOOAR!” —I hear a familiar roar echo from deep in the woods. The great mutant Pedo Man—er, Tiger Man, one of Kisaragi’s finest, is dashing this way. The sound of his intimidating roar draws even the Sand King’s attention. Oh yeah. I remember Tiger Man mentioning something about being attacked by the Sand King last time. I wonder how he got away from this mole. Well, we can come back to that later… “Whoo, go get ’em, Mr. Tiger Man, sir! A mere Combat Agent like me can’t hope to match a mutant in strength, so I’ll provide cover fire from the corner!” “Given that fighting’s just about the only thing you do well, you’rrre coming with meow!” Rushing into the hideout, Tiger Man lets out a loud growl to ward off the Sand King. Is it just my imagination, or is the Sand King’s attention completely focused on him? “You ran away from it last time, right, Tiger Man? The mole seems awfully interested in you.” “I punched it with my full mewtant powerrr last time, so it’s probably being cautious.” Wow, I’m impressed. That’s insane. I can’t believe he ran up to a monster that big and just punched it. “We’ve got a ton of people in heavy machinery this time, so let’s leave it to them. It doesn’t look like guns are having any effect.” I don’t think I can manage something that dangerous, so I might as well make the others do the work here. “Okay, well, you and me are gonna drrraw its attention. The moment it comes this way, the constrrruction equipment’ll pin it down.” “Seriously?!” Goddammit, I should’ve kept my mouth shut. As Tiger Man and I inch toward the Sand King from the front, it suddenly starts moving its jaws. I have a bad feeling about this, so I immediately leap to the side. With a loud whooshing noise, the Sand King spits something out. A split second after I’ve moved, a rock the size of a human head whizzes past the spot I’d just been occupying. H-hold up! That was big enough to take my whole head off! “Tiger Man, that thing’s using ranged attacks!” “Our guns don’t worrrk. And as you just saw, it can attack from a distance. That’ve means we’ve got no choice but to beat it with brrrute force.” The Sand King twitches its nose while we yell at each other. Oh yeah, I seem to recall Alice saying something about this when we ran into the Sand King last time. Moles are real sensitive to sound and smell because of their bad eyesight. “Tiger Man, since I can’t use Evil Points, there’s something I’d like you to order.” “…Supprrression Weapon Type B? Oh, because moles have good noses. Okay, leave it to meow.” As the Sand King prepares for another ranged attack, one of the agents in the construction equipment rushes its flank. The others take the opportunity to charge in as well. “Six, here’s the suppression weapon! My claws aren’t any good for thrrrrowing, so you have to do it!” “Whoo-hoo, take this! Graaaaah!” I throw the suppression weapon, aka the Enhanced Tear Gas Grenade, and perfectly nail the Sand King right on the nose. The pain of the impact and the release of the noxious gases seem unbearable, and— “Gaaaaaah! Six, what the hell are you doing?!” “You moron! Try to restrain it!” “The buildings! It’s gonna wreck the buildings we’re working on!” —the Sand King, reacting violently to the strong smell, throws off the construction equipment holding it down and rolls around in agony, crushing the nearby buildings. “Those with extra Evil Points, request whaling harpoons! Fire them into that thing and anchor the lines to something heavy!” The whaling harpoons have reinforced rope attached to one end for easy recall. Alice senses that subjugating the target with construction equipment isn’t very feasible, but it continues to howl in rage… The Sand King then jumps into the hole it dug, before kicking up dirt behind it to seal the entrance. 6 After the Sand King vanishes, Rose and Viper come rushing out of the office. “Are you okay, Boss? What just hit us?!” “You’re a bit late, Rose! It was a mole! That Sand King thing attacked us!” The pair gasp at the giant hole in the residential area. “Please excuse my lateness, Mr. Six. Ms. Rose was choking on her snacks, and she almost died…” “Oh, don’t worry about it, Vi. You’re a guest. It’s okay for you to stay somewhere safe… But as for you… You’re a Combat Agent. How is it those of us who fought are unharmed, but you were having a brush with death?” “Well, I learned something new today! Snacks dry out your mouth, so if you try to cram them all down, you can choke!” Well, at least Rose has leveled up from total dimwit to slightly-less-of-a-dimwit. The Combat Agents who had their equipment blown back by the explosive approach me angrily. “Hey, moron, what the hell were you thinking tossing a Type B grenade at something that big?!” “All that talk about being a veteran, and this idiot just gets in the way.” “You listening to us, dumbass? See all those wrecked buildings? That’s your fault! Go fix ’em!” “Hey, lay off! Don’t call someone stupid when you’re plenty stupid yourself! Rose, you were late to the fight, so you better help me! Let’s get this cleanup over with!” “A-all right! I’m sorry we were late!” After that, Rose and I get to work. Viper helps out, too, for some reason. “What are you doing, Vi? I said Rose and I would handle this. You can go back to your room. Besides, all the bastards out here (besides me) are creeps. This really isn’t the safest place for you.” ““““Oh yeah?!”””” As the creeps all fly into a rage, Viper shakes her head. “It’s quite all right. I’ve finished my paperwork, so please let me help. And are you sure you’re all unhurt? Despite appearances, I can use some basic healing magic, so please tell me even if it’s a small injury.” ““““Magic!”””” The creeps all forget their anger thanks to the promise of witnessing real magic. “What the hell, guys? You’ve seen plenty of magic during your fights with the Demon Lord’s Army, haven’t you? …Sigh, this is why having new recruits on the job is such a pain in the ass. They gawk at every little thi—Ow!” As I’m standing there bragging about my familiarity with magic to the scumbags, one of them smacks me. “Ms. Viper, was it? Can you please demonstrate your magic by healing this moron?” “Oh, how convenient… You want her to heal the cheek you just smacked? You’re not implying that I’m a moron and that she should fix my brain, right?” Just as I’m picking a fight, Viper gently places her palm against my cheek and chants her spell. “In the name of the Goddess of Time, restore thy body to good health!” With that, my cheek, which reddened from the impact, heals as though being restored to a previous state of existence. ““““Woooooow!”””” As the agents hoot and holler at Viper’s magic, the antithetical android pays us a visit. “That’s not magic; it’s just super advanced technology. You can fool these idiots, but you can’t fool my crystal-lens eyes.” “You’re usually dependable, but right now, your eyes are made of glass.” Alice, who still steadfastly refuses to believe in magic, says: “Yo, Six, smack one of the Combat Agents.” “OW! Six, you son of a—! …Huh?” As I smack the Combat Agent who hit me earlier, Alice presses her hand to his swollen cheek. “Even knowing she’s an android, it’s nice to have a girl touch your cheek… Ow, ow, ow, ow! Alice, what are you doing?!” Having held the agent in place by grabbing his face, Alice stabs his cheek with a syringe. Shortly thereafter, the wound rapidly begins healing. “I injected some healing nanobots. See? The power of science can do the same thing.” “Don’t make me a guinea pig to compete against the supernatural!” While that agent starts a shoving match with Alice, the others ignore them and turn to Viper. “Ms. Viper, you mentioned something about the Goddess of Time, but does that mean your healing works by reversing time? Does that mean you can fix broken things? If so, can you fix my figurine that Six broke?” “Can you fix tech, too? If so, then please fix the game console in the rec room that Six broke after he got upset the other day…” As the agents all make their requests, Tiger Man, who has shown no interest in magic until that moment and has been happily helping Rose, stops in his tracks. With a deathly serious expression, he asks: “Ms. Viper. Can you use that magic to restore my body to that of a child’s?” “I-I’m sorry… With my sorcerer stone, the most I can do is restore a small part of someone’s body to how it was a short time ago…” The request seemed to be so important to Tiger Man that he’d even forgotten to purr while saying it. And after hearing her answer, he simply muttered, “I see,” and stared off into the distance. “Sorry about all this, Vi. See what I mean about them being creeps? Don’t worry about helping out here. Go back inside. You’re surrounded by mindless beasts. They might try something.” At my words, the agents clench their jaws in anger, but Viper hurriedly shakes her head. “No, actually…I had something I wanted to ask you. I heard the Sand King appeared, but does that mean you defeated the master of the Great Woods, the Forest King?” …What was the Forest King again? The name sounds familiar, but did we defeat something like that? Just then, one of the agents speaks up. “I think she’s talking about the crazy-huge mechanical lizard Lady Lilith killed the other day. At least, I’m pretty sure that’s what it was called.” Oh, right, the thing that was protecting the mystery facility. Yeah, I remember that. “I see. I understand now… When you began settling the woods, I thought you had come up with a way to compete with the Forest King, but to have killed it… Oh dear, this may be an issue…” Viper appears to be lost in thought, muttering softly to herself. But it doesn’t sound like something we can ignore. “Um, Vi, what did that lizard have to do with anything? Should we not have killed it?” “N-no, well, not exactly…” Viper hesitates as though the answer is difficult to get out, but her expression says this isn’t something she can avoid talking about. “I believe the Sand King appeared here because the Forest King is dead.” …… “The Forest King and the Sand King have been rivals for as long as anyone can remember. They each fight for territory. Eventually, the Forest King settled in the Great Woods near the Grace Kingdom. And the Sand King made the demon territory its domain.” The agents all go silent at Viper’s words. If she’s right, there’s something I gotta ask her. “So, Vi, now that the Forest King’s gone, do you think that mole’s gonna come back here? …Maybe even attack the kingdom of Grace, too?” “I-I’m afraid so…” …Rose efficiently cleans up the debris while Tiger Man helps. He also directs an affectionate gaze her way. The only sounds that can be heard are coming from the people helping with cleanup. Alice, who has somehow managed to restrain the agent she’s been fighting, then quips: “Yo, Six, time for a report. Make sure Lady Astaroth and Lady Belial get all the juicy details. Don’t forget to put in a punishment request from everyone present.” [Status Report] Dear Supreme Leaders, I hope this letter finds you well. Lady Lilith, who already caused plenty of problems while here, has retroactively done it again. Please tie her up one more time. It’s been revealed that the reason Tiger Man’s unit was attacked by the giant mole, also known as the “Sand King,” was because of Lady Lilith. She killed the “Forest King,” a giant lizard, without putting any serious thought into it, and now the power balance between the two great monsters has collapsed. It appears, at this rate, there’s a high probability the Sand King will also attack the kingdom of Grace. In fact, the Sand King attacked our hideout just the other day. Because the situation is so desperate, we’ve put a temporary hold on the negotiations between the demons and the kingdom. We’ve also paused our investigation into Rose’s origins. We are now pouring all our effort into defeating the Sand King. As such, all the Combat Agents and mutants assigned to this world request some sort of punishment upon Lady Lilith for leaving us in this situation. —P.S. Please inform her that if she feels even a shred of guilt, she should send us more portable console games. Reporting Agent: Combat Agent Six