“Um, no. I’d rather you not draw odd conclusions in your mind! And to be clear, the responsibility for my utterance rests squarely at your feet.” I suppose Tillis is a little embarrassed at being caught; she flings some unfair accusations in my direction. “What are you talking about? How the hell is it my fault?” “You’re not serious, are you?! You do recall you were the one who changed the artifact’s holy incantation to this statement, yes?” …The hell is she talking about? “Why would I use such a stupid password? You’re not making any sense.” “Surely you jest! It wasn’t that long ago, you know! Have you actually forgotten…?! R-regardless, that’s not why I called you here today. I have something I wish to discuss with you, Sir Six.” It seems my recent heroics have unlocked the Princess route. Unfortunately… “I’m sorry, Tillis. I’m flattered that you like me, but you’re a little too…devious for my tastes.” “Just where did you get that idea?! I only wished to discuss a matter with you! Also, please don’t call me devious! I was hoping to talk to you about this artifact!” Tillis bristles at my remark, her cheeks still faintly flushed. “That machine makes it rain, right?” Tillis nods once in response. “In the past, we would activate the artifact each year during the dry season. Unfortunately, the artifact’s malfunctions have made that difficult as of late…,” she says with a serious expression. “Now, for the reason you’re here. I’d like to hire you for an escort mission. With the artifact broken, we had been relying on water crystals mined in the neighboring kingdom of Toris… With the artifact back in working condition, we thought to reduce our order of crystals. Unfortunately…” She looks away, her lips turning into a frown. “Father decided at the last minute he didn’t want to go through with the activation ritual. We haven’t been able to find him…” According to Tillis, the artifact can only be activated when a member of the royal family says the holy incantation in front of a large crowd of praying subjects. Wait—in that case, it doesn’t have to be the king, does it…? “So why don’t you do it?” “Surely you don’t expect a maiden to say such words in public…! C-currently, I have parties searching for Father, but as a precaution, we’ll be sending a diplomat to Toris. Given that we were the ones who requested a reduction in the shipments, it’s likely to be a challenge to get them to send us additional crystals…” Tillis folds her hands together as if in prayer and gazes up at me with the expression of a frail, vulnerable maiden. But it doesn’t fool me. Damn, this princess is a schemer. I’m sure she’s about to propose something ruthless. “…The crown prince of Toris is known for being quite a womanizer. So I intend to send Snow as a diplomat. If one can ignore her personality flaws, she’s quite beautiful…” “I really don’t want to hear the rest.” So this princess is going to sacrifice one of her vassals to a whoremongering prince. It’s the sort of thing that makes even me, an evil minion, wince. “Please listen to what I’m actually saying. I said I’d like to hire you as an escort. I’m not planning to sell her. The prince, given his ways, is likely to start planning untoward things once he sees Snow. When he makes a move on her, catch him in the act and use that as leverage. Trying to seduce a diplomat is an enormous diplomatic faux pas. It would provide us with a much-needed advantage during negotiations.” “Back home we call that a honeypot.” Seriously, what’s wrong with the people I know? Can’t trust a single one of them… Despite my revulsion, Tillis appears to be impressed with me. “Ah, so you mean to say this is an established diplomatic strategy in your country, Sir Six? Then that makes this easy. Snow is a strong woman, so she should be fine. She survived having you remove her underwear in public, after all.” “Tillis, there was a reason for that, remember? Sigh. There are all sorts of weird rumors about me circulating around town. I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t add to them.” I mean, the only reason I pulled down Snow’s panties was to save this country. It was a heroic act, not sexual harassment. Still… “Escort, huh…? I’m a Combat Agent, not a bodyguard. This isn’t really in my wheelhouse…” As I grumble, Tillis seems to find something amusing and smiles. “Are you sure you want to say that? I’ve heard you and Snow have kissed. Would you really be all right losing her to another man?” She smiles at me teasingly. “Hmm? Sure I would.” “Um…” Tillis sounds surprised at my answer. “Short-tempered, greedy women like her aren’t my type. So doesn’t really bother me if someone else takes her…” “Please don’t say that in front of her! Anyway, this is a formal request to Kisaragi from this kingdom. Please accept it!” I’m still really lukewarm on the idea… “Ordinarily, the chief of staff would handle negotiations with Toris. Unfortunately, he suddenly resigned a month ago… So we’re currently rather shorthanded when it comes to diplomats.” The chief of staff, huh? Don’t know who that is, but what an irresponsible jerk. I guess he must’ve been really mistreated by this kingdom. “Well, whatever the case, I’m afraid I’m going to have to turn down this assignment. I’m a Combat agent, not a babysitter. I can’t really do anything but fight. I mean, I do love entrapping people, but I’d rather you asked someone else to handle this one.” Tillis appears caught off guard by the rejection. Her tone becomes hurried and somewhat desperate. “P-please, would you reconsider? I’ve actually prepared some information requested by Miss Alice as part of your payment…” “…Information?” What sort of information would she want? Is she looking for rare life-forms or poisons from this planet? As if to answer my question, Tillis continues. “Yes, the information concerning the ruins scattered around this continent. In fact, Toris, the kingdom where we’re sending Snow, has an unexplored ruin. Evidently, it remains untouched, as they can’t find a way to break its seal. If you accept our request, we’ll ask Toris to permit you to explore those ruins… Does that sound acceptable?” Tillis coyly looks up at me. 2 On the outskirts of the city there’s a largish house with a sign labeled THE KISARAGI CORPORATION. This is the temporary hideout Alice and I are renting. For now, it’s the location of the Kisaragi Corporation Grace Kingdom branch. “—So basically, there’s an unexplored ruin in that kingdom. They haven’t been able to figure out the ancient technology used to seal it, so they haven’t been inside. We can always worry about that when we get there.” I’m discussing the details of the job with Alice. “Ancient technology—like that anomalous artifact in the castle courtyard—if it’s just locked with an electronic key, you can leave it to me. The problem is the other job from Tillis.” “…Hmm? The other assignment?” I dangle my legs while sitting on the edge of the table. “You’re being asked to escort Snow on a diplomatic mission, right? I’m going to say this now—try to avoid doing anything stupid this time, will you? I may have high specs, but there’s a limit to what I can bail you out of.” Kind of an odd thing for Alice to say. Is she worried about me? “Oh, about that. I can handle it. I’m good at making friends over drinks.” “I wish you’d stop dragging random geezers home when you go out drinking. One of the homeless guys tried to set up a camp in the hideout’s backyard. Getting rid of him was a chore and a half.” Oh, so that’s why they were never around in the morning. I always thought it was weird that my new buddies would be missing the next day. “Well, I’m impressed Miss Android. Not an ounce of compassion in your heart for bunnies being sacrificed or homeless drunks, mm?” “I’ve told you before, but I don’t have a heart. Anyway, remember that Astaroth ordered us to expand our territory. Not to repeat myself, but don’t do anything stupid. We need to produce results by the end of this month.” Alice hammers her warning home. “I don’t know what those Supreme Leaders told you, but you’ve got the wrong idea about me. Just watch. The longest-serving Combat Agent is also an able diplomat. You’ll see for yourself!” “Get it through your head. Don’t do anything you don’t have to do.” 3 Most of this planet is covered in a giant forest. The remaining land is a reddish-brown wasteland, completely unsuitable for human habitation. Currently we’re in the middle of said wasteland— “Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! We’re going so fast! We’ve become the wind itself! Commander! Look over there! Those Deadly Heggs are like purple-orange lady snails! Nothing can catch us now!” “Hey, Grimm, calm down or you’re going to fall out! Snow, Rose! Don’t just sit there, stop her!” We’re in the middle of said wasteland, zooming along on a giant buggy with Grimm excitedly leaning out the open sunroof. Due to some unfortunate taunting, the buggy’s being chased by a mob of those four-legged monstrosities. I don’t know what Grimm’s so excited about, but she’s been in a fine mood, standing up and leaning out the sunroof, laughing in delight. In the back seat, Snow and Rose, perhaps in awe at their first car ride, are glued to the windows, watching the red land speed past. “Alice? Don’t go too fast. If we hit a bump, Grimm’s gonna go flying… Wait, hey! Your feet don’t even reach the pedals!” “I’m a high-spec android. If it’s a machine, I only need a connector to control it.” I look over at Alice, and sure enough, stretching from beneath her clothes is a cord connected to the steering column. “The road gets rough from here on out. You should probably drag Grimm back inside.” Right as Alice issues her warning, we hit a large bump, and the whole vehicle is briefly airborne. At the same time, the laughter from the sunroof stops… “B-Boss! Grimm fell out! Uh-oh! The Deadly Heggs are after her! It looks bad!” “I told you so!” Alice slams on the brakes while the rest of us jump out of the buggy. Grimm has passed out from the impact when she flew out of the vehicle. The mob of monsters are dragging her back to their nest. “Hey, put her down! That spinster’s not very tasty, I promise! I’ll give you this instead! Go on home!” I throw some rations out as bait. The monsters abandon Grimm, flocking to the food instead. I don’t think they understood what I said, but I guess it’s pretty obvious which is tastier. We pick up the walking time bomb, and the Deadly Heggs, perhaps satisfied at getting a little payback, leave us alone. “…Can we do something about the fact that she’s disabled before every battle?” “She’s still alive. They were just gnawing on her here and there. She’ll be fine.” Grimm slumps in her seat, eyes rolled up in her head, as we continue our journey by buggy. “Hey, Six. What say you let me have that magic item? What was it called? A buggy? I know someone who’s good at flipping rare items for a good price. I’ll deal with selling it for the low, low price of a five percent commiss—” “Nope! You lot aren’t ready for that level of technology. Besides, ordering one takes a load of Evil Points.” After leaving the kingdom of Grace in the early morning, we’ve arrived at the neighboring kingdom of Toris around dusk. “Evil Points? You mentioned something about not having enough points when fighting the Demon Lord’s Army. Does the summoning magic you and Alice perform work on some sort of point system?” We’re not actually using magic to get our equipment, but evidently that’s what it looks like to the locals. “Yep, more or less. Evil Points are something I earn on a day-to-day basis. It’s more or less my ace in the hole, so I try to save it for emergencies.” “I don’t quite understand, but I guess it means we get rare magic items if we stick with you, right…? Hey, Six, can you order swords like Tiger Man? Depending on the quality, I wouldn’t mind paying you with my body…” “Um…” Apparently she’s totally fine with selling her body in exchange for money or swords. I heard she was from the slums, but just what sort of life did she live to end up like this? And to think she was blushing over a kiss she gave me as a reward the other day. Arriving in Toris, we park the buggy at the city gate and head to the castle. Rose, carrying the unconscious Grimm and looking around, appears to have spotted something of interest. “Boss! Look at that! They’re selling Andrew Skewers. I wonder what sort of monster Andrew is?” Rose points toward a stall selling meat skewers. “Andrew is a giant magical beast that threatened this kingdom around ten years ago. Despite it being dead for over ten years, the meat is still flavorful and delicious. It was such a gigantic beast that they’ve been able to eat it for the last decade.” “Wow! You sure know a lot, Boss!” As I fill Rose’s head with nonsense, the owner of the stall interrupts. “C’mon now, don’t be spreading weird rumors like that! My name’s Andrew. Andrew Skewers just means skewers from Andrew’s shop.” “Boss! You lied to me! It’s just as grandpa said! Humans are treacherous creatures that should be wiped off the face of the planet!” I ignore Rose’s embarrassed slapping and survey the city. At a glance, Toris’s tech level seems to be about the same as Grace’s. There’s the occasional mystery machine (aka artifact), but for now it seems Kisaragi’s technology is better. As we stroll along, the castle comes into view. It appears someone alerted them to our presence, and as we approach the main gate, a well-dressed man greets us. “Representatives of the kingdom of Grace, I bid you welcome to Toris! I’m afraid your timing makes an immediate audience with His Majesty impossible, but we have prepared a feast to ease the aches from your travels. Your host for the evening will be His Highness, the Crown Prince Engel. Please enjoy yourselves.” The older gentleman, probably a bureaucrat of one sort or another, greets us with a formal bow. I’m weighing how to respond when Snow steps in front of our group. “Thank you; glad to be here! My name is Snow, captain of the Royal Guard and personal knight to Princess Tillis. I suppose you could say I’m Her Highness’s right hand.” I openly gawk at her through her spiel, but she continues with a wide smile on her face. “I’ve heard that the export of water crystals is the main industry for Toris. Not only that, but those rare crystals are buried abundantly beneath the soil. I’ve never seen a water crystal, but I sure would love to. I’m quite envious that they’re so abundant here!” “I—I see. Well then, we can provide you a few water crystals as a little token of our esteem. If you could please give our regards to Princess Tillis.” I can’t believe this. She’s just soliciting bribes. “Of course! I’ll let Her Highness know that we were given a wonderful welcome here in Toris! Ah, that reminds me. Our mode of transportation is most convenient, indeed! It can carry quite a bit of cargo, much more than just a small amount…” We stare at Snow, completely repulsed by her attitude as she enters the castle, chatting up the official. “…Hey, Alice,” I say. “Do you really think she can handle being a diplomat? We’re here as her escort. If she screws up, we’ll probably get in trouble, too. Not to mention, even I’m turned off by her naked greed.” “Despite appearances, she was a knight captain. I’m sure this isn’t her first time serving as a diplomat. Bribes are pretty common in backward places like this. Isn’t that true, Rose?” “Grandpa was right. Humans are avaricious vermin that need to be extinguished…” …I glance at Rose muttering darkly beside us, following Snow as she cheerfully strolls through the castle. 4 Time for our welcome party. “Commander, what do you think about this super-mini dress? Sexy, right? Super sexy? Does it make you want to shove me against the wall and ravage me?” I run into Grimm in front of the banquet hall. She shows off the sexy black dress she’s wearing. “You need to consider your age when picking a dress.” “O Great Lord Zenarith, I beseech thee! Deliver disaster unto this man! Be cursed with impotence!” As Grimm points her finger, I dodge by diving out of the way. “Missed…” “How can you sound so casual about this? Are you crazy?! That might be the most terrifying thing I’ve ever experienced!” The ring on Grimm’s finger vanishes, taken by the dark god as payment for the curse. This damn spinster. She can’t bring herself to be remotely useful most of the time, but somehow wields terrifying powers at times like this. She can cast curses by sacrificing items with sentimental value. I’m told the success rate goes down if the feedback effects of the curse don’t actually harm her. Still, that was a terrifying curse. “It’s because you’re being a tease, Commander. You peeked up my skirt once…” “That was because you were taunting me. Also, if you’re going to twirl around in a skirt like that, I’ll go peeking again!” As if on guard at my statement, Grimm slowly backs away from me. At that moment, the other three join us as they finish their preparations. Snow’s wearing a low-cut dress that doesn’t leave a lot to the imagination. She proudly puffs out her chest. “Six, what do you think of this dress? Is it sexy? It’s super sexy, right? Does it make you horny and want to buy me things?” At that eerily familiar line, I turn to look at Grimm, who glances down in embarrassment. “…Grimm, this is what you looked like a few minutes ago.” “…I’m sorry, Commander. I got flustered because I heard there was going to be a party. I’ll be careful.” Alice, wearing a normal dress that isn’t very different from her usual outfit, comes up to me and whispers, “Hey, Six, I wandered a bit around the castle, pretending to be lost. This country’s got its share of weirdly advanced technology. There were too many people around, so I couldn’t look too closely, but I’ll go mess around with some of it while everyone’s busy with the party.” “I gotta hand it to you, Alice. You sure are thorough…” It seems this planet is littered with mysterious technology. I wonder what it is that happened here in the past. The ancient ruins are supposedly still unexplored. I bet if I find some great treasure or super items, I can leverage that into becoming a Supreme Leader… Speaking of ruins, the Chimera that’s probably related to them is humming happily to herself, dressed in a pretty little dress. …Is she looking forward to meeting someone here, too…? “Rose? You too…?” “What do you mean, Boss? Isn’t this exciting? I’m sure there’ll be lots of delicious food!” Oh. My bad. She’s just excited about the food. Thanks, Rose. Don’t ever change. I silently pray for Rose’s future as she looks at me with a puzzled expression. I straighten the collar on my borrowed suit and open the doors to the banquet hall. “How do we get out of this, Six? This is starting to look like a miscalculation of epic proportions.” The situation in the banquet hall has devolved into complete chaos. Credit for this belongs entirely to the members of my squadron. “Oh my! I must say that’s impressive, Sir Harmel. Especially for someone so young! And as the third son of a noble family, you’re insulated from all that inheritance nonsense, and you are even spared the responsibility of caring for your family in their dotage.” “U-uh, yes, that’s right. But my subordinates deserve credit. I wouldn’t have become captain of the Seventh Company without them…” The spinster’s speaking in a voice an octave higher than usual, using words I didn’t know she had in her vocabulary. She’s standing next to a good-looking brunette knight, batting her lashes at him. Dressed up like this, Grimm looks like a proper lady, without a trace of her usual paleness to be seen. “Um, may I ask why you’re barefoot, miss?” Well, a proper lady if you ignore her bare feet. She mentioned it before, something about a curse that prevented her from wearing shoes. She stands out as an oddity, wandering barefoot around the carpeted banquet hall while dressed in a pretty black dress. “Oh, Harmel, please call me Grimm. No need to be so formal.” Grimm appears to be doing her best to work her way into the knight’s good graces, twisting this way and that, but he doesn’t seem to be buying what she’s selling. “I—I can’t very well call a woman I just met by her first name… Um. Should I refrain from asking why you are barefoot?” “Religious purposes, I’m afraid. Anyway, Harmel, you seem a little shy! But that’s lovely in its own way. It keeps you faithful, I’m sure!” Grimm answers her partner’s questions rather aggressively. The knight seems at a loss at her aggressive approach, unable to flat out avoid her given her status. Still… “Wow, this is delicious! I’ve never had meat this delicious before! And never this much at once!” “I—I’m very glad to hear it. Still, Miss Rose, ordinarily people don’t eat an entire roast pig by themselves… Ah, perhaps you should leave the bones? And there’s sauce all over your face…” Munching on a whole roast pig served on a giant platter, Rose is crying tears of joy at the meal before her. The serving maid fails in her efforts to keep Rose’s face clean as the Chimera continues to aggressively devour the roast pig. “Good! So good!! The bones are nice and crunchy! Every part of this is delicious!” “I’m glad to hear it… I’m pleased that you’re so happy, Miss Rose. Please try the charcoal-grilled romare shrimp and echigo crab next. It may smell very strongly of the sea, but there is a lot of flavor in… Miss Rose, please leave the shells. Miss Rose? Miss Rose! It’s best not to eat the pincers…!” It may not be in the same way as Grimm, but Rose is drawing her share of attention. And then there’s… “Where is Prince Engel?! I heard the crown prince would be welcoming me tonight. Hey, Six! If I succeed in seducing the prince, I’ll reward you, too. So do whatever you can to support my efforts!” “When you’re that honest about your intentions, it’s almost refreshing…” She’s not even trying to hide her greed now. The dress looks great on her, but the ugliness of her words completely spoils her beauty. “Listen closely, Six. The man’s the crown prince of Toris and the next king. And this kingdom is so rich in resources that it’s said you can dig gold coins out of the ground. Basically, if I can become the royal consort, that’s a guaranteed life of luxury!” What am I gonna do with this chick? Tillis wants me to run a honeypot sting, but that requires actually stepping in when things get too hot and heavy. But seeing how eager Snow is to go all the way, all I’d be is an awkward interruption. Noticing that Snow seemed to be getting a bit hot and bothered by talk about the prince, Alice approaches me and whispers in my ear, “Hey, Six. I’ve heard this kingdom’s Prince Engel is a fat slob of a womanizer. Not a good catch at all. You should lower her expectations a bit. Do something about her, will you?” Ah, I see. “I dunno; it sounds kind of entertaining, actually. Let’s see what happens when we get her hopes up. I can’t wait to see the look on her face when she meets him.” “You really do have the personality for this evil minion stuff…,” Alice says with an expression I can only describe as “tasteful.” One of the household attendants announces grandly, “Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for waiting. His Highness, the Crown Prince Engel has arrived!” The man standing in the entrance blows my expectations clear out of the water. “…Alice, wow. That’s even worse than I thought. When I heard ‘fat prince,’ I was imagining someone young. Like, a pudgy spoiled brat. Not…well…that.” “I hear the king’s still got his wits about him here. Doesn’t matter how old you get. You stay a prince if your parents are still alive and kicking.” The man entering the room is fat, greasy, and well past forty. He’s like the poster child for an unhealthy lifestyle. Just walking gets him winded, and despite the pleasant temperature, he’s dripping with sweat. I can’t help but feel sorry for Snow. Motives aside, this has to be quite a letdown for her. I turn to her to offer my condolences. “Prince Engel! A pleasure to meet you. I am Snow, knight captain of the Royal Guard from the kingdom of Grace. I’m honored to make your acquaintance today.” Thinking she’d be in shock after seeing the prince, I find a Snow with glittering eyes and a beatific smile. …Looks like I underestimated her. “Ah, I see your kingdom has sent one of their most beautiful as a diplomat. I am Engel, crown prince of this kingdom. Thank you for making the long journey to—” “Beautiful? You flatter me, Your Highness! You are, yourself, blessed with an impressive physique and rugged features! I feel faint in your presence.” Snow piles on the flattery even before Engel finishes speaking. I thought she was just a slightly greedy sword fanatic. Boy, was I wrong. There’s no doubt in my mind that she could love an orc or a slime as long as they’ve got enough money. “…Lady Snow, I appreciate compliments as much as the next man, but I’m well aware of my own appearance. There is no need to flatter me, our kingdoms remain steadfast allies regardless of—” “Do not be absurd, Your Highness! Gaze into my eyes, and you will see the truth! You are a fine specimen of a man. I can guarantee that! Do you see anything but the truth in my gaze?” The silver-haired beauty gazes intently into the fat prince’s face without so much as blinking. If you just looked at this scene and heard the lines without context, it’s actually kind of touching. Something straight out of “Beauty and the Beast.” But I know better. How the hell am I supposed to deal with her? “…Y-you’re right. I see no hint of deception in your eyes. You have my thanks. No one has ever provided me with such a heartfelt compliment. I envy Princess Tillis for having such wonderful vassals. Now, I believe you have come to our kingdom to secure more water crystals…” “Have I done something to offend you, Your Highness? Brushing aside my efforts at courtship for such talk?” The gold digger is so intent on landing her catch that she interrupts the prince’s effort to get the conversation back on track. Such talk indeed. It’s like she’s forgotten that’s the whole reason we made the trip. “L-Lady Snow, putting your remark to one side, surely you understand seducing an ally’s emissary would become an enormous diplomatic scandal…” The prince backs up nervously, evidently caught off guard by Snow’s misplaced anger. “How disappointing! I had heard you were quite the womanizer, Your Highness. It appears your reputation is exaggerated. Do you mean to embarrass me so in public, Your Highness?” “Do you not consider it disrespectful to describe a man you just met as a womanizer? And to his face at that? Indeed, why are you so aggressive when we’ve only just met?” Snow makes no effort at concealing her greed as she sidles closer to the prince, who continues to back away from her. “I’m here on Princess Tillis’s behalf. Surely you understand what that means. Our kingdom has been the target of invasion attempts by the Demon Lord’s Army, but just recently we repelled a major invasion. We now only have the occasional skirmish against the demonic forces. Do you see the man over there? The one with drink in hand and staring about like a half-witted yokel? He’s called Agent Six. He may not look like much, but he’s quite capable in a fight.” Snow glances briefly toward me, speaking in a voice loud enough that I hear every word from where I’m standing. “Hey, Alice. She’s insulting me now.” “Eh, she did say you’re quite capable in a fight. She’s complimenting you.” I don’t really find that very convincing. It’s at best a backhanded compliment… “Currently, our kingdom employs a large number of similar mercenaries. And these mercenaries are as savage as their brutish looks suggest. However, if we give them an enemy to fight, they’re easy to keep leashed.” The prince casts a worried glance in my direction. Even I can tell that she’s not complimenting me. Snow wears an evil grin as a threat lurks behind her words. “Certainly, we’re currently in a staring match with the Demon Lord’s Army, but I have no doubt that the war will heat up again soon. However…it’s important we maintain good relations with our neighbors, if only to keep these barbarians in check.” “O-of course! Hence our lavish welcome, Lady Snow…” …I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that exchange. Just then. “How dare you! You should have told me you were engaged! Being a hunk doesn’t mean you get to toy with a maiden’s heart!” “B-but th-that’s ridiculous…! Please calm down, Miss Grimm! We’re drawing everyone’s attention!” I hear angry shouting coming from right smack in the middle of the hall. When I look over to see what’s going on, I catch our squadron’s spinster trying to curse the knight from earlier. “O Great Lord Zenarith, I beseech thee! Deliver disaster unto this man! Be drenched in water!” Something in Grimm’s hands vanishes in a flash of light, just as water drenches her as though someone had emptied a bucket over her head. …Looks like her curse misfired. The thoroughly soggy Grimm slumps, gazing down at the ground and trembling. “…Heh…Heh-heh-heh… Laugh! Ha-ha-ha! Laugh at this pathetic woman! Laugh at the woman dumped by the handsome knight! Laugh at the woman who then couldn’t even get a curse right! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha. Laugh at me!” The spinster flops onto the carpeted floor, rolling back and forth in a temper tantrum. I try not to think about the fact that she’s one of my subordinates… This is really hard to watch, so I turn to leave. At which point… “Please, young lady, don’t be so hard on yourself. The soaked dress and tears are spoiling your beauty. I’ll have the maids prepare a fresh set of clothes for you…” As Grimm throws a tantrum, a tall middle-aged gentleman approaches her and lends his handkerchief. He then offers her a hand to help her stand. He’s built pretty ruggedly. He’s probably a general or something along those lines. “…Th-thank you, sir. M-may I have your name…?” “First, allow me to warn you that I’m married, with children.” I can’t stand to keep watching. I walk up to Alice, who has been keenly observing Grimm, and poke her shoulder. Then I quickly make my way out of the room. 5 “Hey, Alice. I’ve done pretty well for myself, haven’t I? I kinda figured my achievements would trigger all sorts of romance flags among me and my squad mates. So what the hell? Does everyone just want a rich, handsome guy? Here I am on an alien world, and I still can’t escape the harsh sting of reality.” “You’re pretty greedy yourself, wanting someone young, well-endowed, beautiful, and faithful in the same package. As an android, I have to say men and women are both useless. If you want the ideal partner, I’d say you’re better off sticking to the R-rated androids Kisaragi will be selling soon.” Alice and I wander around the castle as I try to cool off from the flush of warmth brought on by the alcohol… “…Wait, run that by me again? Kisaragi’s going to be selling R-rated, pervy, pretty-girl androids? “ “I never said anything about them being pervy.” Shit. Now I just want to go back to Earth. But if I go back now, I’ll definitely get tossed into a war zone full of Heroes… As I’m pondering all this, Alice suddenly stops in her tracks. “We’re here. Six, what do you think this is?” Sitting here in the corner of the castle is a strange device with a large glass case attached in the middle. The case is filled with some sort of liquid, and the machine appears to be working. “I know what it is. It’s one of those pods you use to grow things. Specifically, pretty-girl homunculi and human clones. Alice, figure out how this works and make a clone of Snow. Then we can take the new, pure Snow and replace the corrupt one in the banquet hall.” “That sounds pretty entertaining, but this looks more like a hibernation capsule. Probably used to keep something in suspended animation. Based on the fact that it’s empty, though, it seems whatever was inside woke up and ran off,” Alice observes as she surveys the device, touching it here and there. “Nah, I don’t think so. This has to be a device to create beautiful women. I mean, why else would it be sitting here like this? I bet if we mess around with it, it’ll spit out something like a gumball machine.” “Well, if you’re that certain, give it a try. But the design’s more like a life-support device than anything else.” Undeterred by Alice’s remarks, I start randomly messing with the machine. I eventually lose patience as all my efforts don’t even get me a single beep. Alice lets out an exasperated sigh at my irritation. “I bet it’s broken from sitting here for hundreds of years,” I tell her. “Usually these things start working if you smack them.” “Whatever; if that’s what it takes to satisfy your curiosity. If you break it, we’re getting the hell out of here. So be ready to run.” I listen to Alice’s words with half an ear as I approach the device and cock my fist back to strike. Just then— “STOP!” —a yell that sounds rather like a scream echoes through the dark hallway. I turn around to find the source of the commotion… “You idiots. What are you doing?! Do you know how important this device is?” The voice belongs to a young man—a boy, probably still in elementary school. He’s a little mouthy, but he is handsome, especially in his face. A mop of silver hair and a different-colored iris in each eye round out the look. …I could swear I’ve seen someone like him before. “What do you want, you brat? You some sort of custodian? I’m Mr. Six, an important envoy from the kingdom of Grace. You should watch your tone if you want to avoid a diplomatic incident.” “I’m not involved with this country. Wait, did you just say…you’re Six? You…? Huh, Gadalkand lost to you? Guess he was all talk after all.” …What’s with this brat? Think I need to teach him some manners. —Wait, what did he just say? “Gadalkand? That’s the name of the Elite Four member I hacked to pieces, right? Didn’t think a dumb brat like you would know something like that.” The boy snorts derisively. “Oh, I see. I guess Heine was right. You’re a little lacking in the brains department. My name is Russell. One of the Demon Lord’s Elite Four, Russell of the Water.” A daring smile plays across his lips. A moment later, his smile is replaced by a look of discomfort and a cry of pain as his face is subjected to my iron grip. “…Hey! What’s wrong, Russell? The hell is going…? Gah! Y-you?!” As I’m punishing the child claiming to be an overlord in the Demon Lord’s Army, I hear a familiar voice call out from behind me. I turn around to face the voice— “Target apprehended!” “Gaaaah! What?! Wait…!” Standing there is the unmistakable figure of the Elite Four member, Heine of the Flames. I don’t know what she’s doing here, but I toss Russell aside and tackle Heine as she stands frozen in shock. “Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! Don’t know why you’re here, but you shouldn’t have let your guard down! Alice, get them to send us some handcuffs!” “On it!” “Stop! Hey, Six! You’ve got the wrong idea! I’m not your enemy today! I’m not here to wipe out humanity or anything! I’m here as an envoy from the Demon Lord!” Heine lets out a desperate cry as I pin her to the floor. “Six, the handcuffs are here.” “Good work, Alice! Go ahead and lock her up once I hold her arms behind her!” “Wait… Listen…!” I keep Heine pinned to the floor, grabbing her arms and dragging them behind her back. “Six, she’s cuffed. You can let go now.” “Dammit, listen to me…! H-hey, Six! I’m restrained now. You can let go of me. H-hey, why are you breathing so heavily? Russell! Russell! HELP!!” I flip around in place, holding Heine in front of me like a shield. “Guh?! R-Russell… Y-you…!” “Heine?! N-no, I was just trying to help…!” Sensing danger from behind me, I shielded myself from Russell’s attack with Heine, and Heine took his spell in the back. Her features twist into a pained grimace. “You brat! The hell are you doing, attacking someone you just met?! How awful!” “That’s impressive, Six. Forgetting your own actions from just three minutes ago.” I don’t understand what Alice is getting at, but I stand, keeping Heine positioned as a shield. I stay hidden behind her as I slowly approach Russell. His face has gone pale from the shock of accidentally hurting an ally. “Hey, Heine. Just because you’re a villain doesn’t mean you can’t choose your allies more carefully. Not only did this brat attack someone he just met from behind, but he totally did so knowing he might hurt you. Such a ruthless savage!” “Six, you really should look in a mirror… You know what? Never mind, I’m done.” As I try to comfort Heine, Alice interjects with another odd comment from the side. “Well, either way. We came to a foreign castle and captured a pervy Elite Four member. Not only do I get the credit, but I get to enjoy a little aggressive interrogation time. Hee-hee-hee. I’m sure you’re well aware of what happens to female leaders that get captured by the enemy, hmm?” “S-S-Six, w-wait…! We really aren’t here as enemies… And your hands keep touching my chest…!” Each time Heine tries to squirm away, I’m told by a voice in my mind that I’ve acquired more Evil Points. “Nice work, Six. You may as well go full scumbag now. Show me what it means to be a petty, conniving little rat!” Ignoring both the teary-eyed Heine and the obnoxiously commenting Alice, I turn my attention to Russell. “So just what are you exactly? Is the Demon Lord’s Army so starved for talent that they’d make a petty, conniving brat like you into an overlord?” “Wh-what the hell are you going on about?! Calling me petty and conniving! As if humans have any room to talk!” <Evil Points Acquired> Evidently Russell isn’t used to taunting, snapping back at me with flushed cheeks. “Let go of Heine already! I’ve heard all about you. You conquered the impregnable Tower of Duster and you killed Gadalkand! I bet you used some dirty tricks for both feats!” “Stop, Russell. Don’t taunt him! Also, Six! Stop groping me every time you say something! Wai—stop!” <Evil Points Acquired> I pull Heine closer, drawing my pistol from my hip. “Let’s make sure we understand each other, little man. Of all the types of villains in the world, the kind I can’t stand the most is kids like you. I bet you say things like ‘Can I keep him as my toy?’ and ‘I’m bored; can I break him now?’ I’ve heard it all before.” “I have no idea what you’re talking about…! I only say things like that every once in a while! And let go of Heine already! If you want to fight me, I’ll indulge you. Just stop fondling my friend!” <Evil Points Acquired> He doesn’t seem to realize I’ve got a weapon in my hand. He may be a member of the Elite Four, but I’ll admit I’m not totally thrilled at the idea of killing a kid. But them’s the breaks in an evil organization. I point the barrel of my gun at Russell and prepare to squeeze the trigger. Just then… “Come on, Six, listen to me! I’m here as an official envoy to this country. If you attack us, that’ll complicate things between this kingdom and yours! And for the last time, stop groping my breasts!” Even as Heine the Hostage tries desperately to convince me, the flow of Evil Points continues. 6 “Raaaaaagh! All right, old man, you better have a good reason for this! You trying to mess with Kisaragi?! Betrayal comes with a high price tag!” “Wh-wh-what in blazes?! Guards!! GUARDS!!” Bursting into the banquet hall, I demand answers from Engel. “Don’t ‘what in blazes’ me, old man! Is your country selling water crystals to the demons? Hmm? Planning an alliance with them, are you? Maybe hoping to join in their invasion plans? Well?” “Ah. I see you ran into Lady Heine. Your name was Six, yes? Listen to me.” Engel sits in a plush, elaborate chair in the middle of the room. He appears to be sitting to keep his weight off a bad knee. Snow has him cornered inside his chair. He looks to me and shakes his head deliberately, trying to reassure me. Snow’s eyes go wide at this exchange, and she, too, starts demanding answers from the prince. “Is this true, Your Highness? Why is Heine of the Flames here in your castle? If there’s any truth to what Six is saying, we cannot very well ignore the threat!” “Lady Snow, allow me to explain. Sir Six is mistaken about an alliance with the Demon Lord’s Army. We’ve only agreed to a nonaggression pact. The demons are intelligent. They’re more than capable of negotiating with us. After a few meetings, we found we could come to a mutually beneficial arrangement.” Ah, so this old man figured he could play both sides. Thinking back on it, there were always these sorts of countries, even on Earth. The sort that wouldn’t take a clear stance on Kisaragi, even knowing we were an evil megacorporation. Once the winner was obvious, they’d jump in with the winning side at the last minute. I suppose that’s ultimately what diplomacy is all about, but I’ve never seen it end well for any country that tries it. Once the dust settles, they’re usually bullied into concessions, maybe signing an unfair treaty. Other times they just end up being annexed in the end anyway. I mean, that’s how we operated. I can’t imagine it’s any different here. “We, of course, have no intention of becoming your enemy. You are aware of the reason the demons resorted to war, yes? They say they were forced into it by the Sand King. The desertification of their lands left them with no other choice. Indeed, we’ll be happy to mediate negotiations between you and the Demon Lord. Why not take this opportunity to end the war entirely?” Engel shakes his head in a gesture that I guess is meant to demonstrate he’s the adult in the room. The gesture has no effect on Snow, who abandons her respectful tone for a combative one. “So long as the Sand King exists, the demons will eventually run out of habitable land. So long as they crave new land, there’s no room for peace!” I don’t know who this Sand King is, but eventually he’s going to turn all the demon country into desert. In which case, they have no choice but to invade other countries for their land. Just like us. We’re here in search of new lands to conquer. “Actually, if you’re willing to negotiate, we’re open to the possibility of peace.” I hear the voice come from the entrance. I turn to see Heine standing there, arms still restrained behind her back. Oh yeah. I guess I was in such a rush to get back here that I forgot to remove those cuffs. “How dare you speak of peace! How many of our soldiers do you think lost their lives fighting you?! They were all good men. Heath, who came up with schemes to embezzle money… Molech, who sent me bribes… And just as importantly, you melted my precious sword Iceberg! I haven’t forgotten what you did to her!” Snow reveals bits of damning information during her angry tirade. Ignoring her, Heine smiles seductively and saunters over to Engel. “I’d say we’re about even on that count, given that you killed Gadalkand. Thanks to Prince Engel’s help, we might find a solution to the Sand King problem, too. Evidently, there’s something in this kingdom’s ancient ruins that can defeat it. That’s actually why we’re here today.” …Ancient ruins? Are those the same ruins Tillis mentioned? Engel helpfully picks up the thread and fills in the details. “Basically, if we can do something about the Sand King, there’s no need for war between the Demon Lord’s Army and our kingdoms. Do you see now, Lady Snow? Our kingdom hasn’t betrayed anyone. In fact, this proposal is meant to provide a helping hand to the kingdom of Grace. You were facing defeat after all. However…” His expression clouds with sadness. “…it appears Lady Snow did not understand our sincere intent. Not only that, she decided to threaten us…” Engel deliberately shakes his head, and Snow can’t find the words to respond. Heine smiles mischievously. “We heard from Prince Engel that you all stopped buying water crystals. We offered to take those excess water crystals off their hands; you think you can just stroll back in and buy more?” Ah, I see. The glut of water crystals opened the doors for the Demon Lord’s Army to step in. “Snow, was it? Are you sure you should be so aggressive?” Heine teases. “Depending on how this plays out, you might end up making an enemy of both Toris and the Demon Lord’s Army.” “Grr… Grrrr…!” Seems Snow has realized the weakness of her position, grinding her teeth in frustration. But as if driven by a sudden insight, she grabs Engel’s arm and presses up to him… “Surely Your Highness would choose the kingdom of Grace over the demons, yes? I may have come on more strongly than intended earlier, but I have believed in your judgment, Your Highness. Why don’t we get better acquainted, as a sign of our kingdoms’ friendship?” “H-hey, wait, you’re willing to go that far for your country? P-Prince Engel! I would be happy to keep you company…” Suddenly the two women are engaging in a tug-of-war for Prince Engel’s attention. Oh, come on. This is ridiculous. “Heine! You, a high-ranking demon resorting to seduction? Do you have no sense of shame?! Surely Your Highness finds me more attractive, yes?” “Wh-what are you talking about?! You’re the one who started with the seduction! I—I met His Highness first! You should be the one to back off! Your Highness will choose me, right?” This is just bizarre. There’s so much wrong here. Why are these beautiful women fighting over this ugly old dude instead of me? Despite being in a situation that’s right out of a harem genre story, Engel maintains his calm and answers them both. “I appreciate your gestures, but surely we shouldn’t let something like this influence the outcome of diplomacy.” “Wh-what’s wrong, Your Highness?! You’re very different than your reputation!” “All you could do was stare at my chest yesterday, and now you’re acting like you’re above it all. What happened between then and now?!” Engel remains as calm as a sage, stoic in the face of the pair’s attempts at seduction. “For whatever reason, right before this banquet started, I suddenly felt like a new man. I started to question my shallow obsession with women…” “Prince Engel, are you sure you are well?! You’re a completely different person from the description provided to me by Princess Tillis!” “I can’t get over the fact that you went from calmly sexually harassing me yesterday to this!” The two corner Engel, but he looks unfazed. As a fellow man, this is a situation that makes me grind my teeth together with envy, but maybe this guy’s more than he appears. However… “Prince Engel! I, Snow, may have problems with my personality, but I’m confident in my face and body! Surely it’s better between two humans than with some random demon!” Snow approaches Engel, eyes bloodshot from her desperation not to let this potential sugar daddy get away. Huh? So she actually is aware of her personality flaws? “Wh-what?! P-Prince Engel! I, Heine, am faithful and diligent. I—I… Um…” Heine’s a bit turned off by Snow’s aggression, but she presses on with her seduction attempt to avoid losing. But the prince himself…? “Sigh. What am I to do with you? I keep telling you I have no interest in you two…” He sighs out a remark worthy of a stoic protagonist with no libido to speak of, then glances toward me with a wry, almost gloating smile. …This feels like the dictionary definition of failure. It’s the feeling when you wait in line for a collector’s item and the person in front of you buys the last one. The feeling when you hear the Kisaragi Supreme Leaders are bathing and take a peek…and get an eyeful of naked Tiger Man. The feeling when brand-new Combat Agents who join up later shoot past me and end up in positions of power. The feeling when I get my ass kicked by a Hero. But compared to all those, the feeling of defeat at the hands of the man in front of me is overwhelming. “What is it, Six? You’ve got that determined look again. You’re not planning anything stupid, are you?” Alice prods me from behind, trying to warn me. “Sorry, Alice. I’m about to do something ridiculous, but can you just give me a pass this time? There are times when a man just can’t back down.” “…I don’t understand what it is you’re talking about, but I’m your partner and evil corporate colleague. I’ll stand by you to the end, no matter what evil deeds you commit. Go ahead and relax,” Alice says, clearly sensing my determination. Aww, I think I’m gonna cry. It’s all right, I have a reliable partner. She’ll figure it out, regardless of what happens. “Damn you, Heine! I’ve hated you from the moment I met you. Dangling those stupidly huge tits out and sucking up to every man in sight! Not only is there overlap in our character types, but you’re trying to seduce my target…!” “I’m not dangling anything! And as for sucking up, what the hell is wrong with you! And I’m not the same character type as you are! I’m not nearly as greedy!” Despite the fact that the two fighting over him are about to start grappling with each other, Engel himself looks untroubled. I wander up next to the prince. “Hey, man, the situation in this hall’s getting pretty ugly, huh? How about I do a little party trick to lighten the mood?” “A party trick? Lady Snow mentioned fighting was your area of expertise, but you can do party tricks also? Very well. See what you can do to clear the air in here.” With the tables turned to his advantage, Engel’s manner of speaking has changed entirely. He doesn’t seem to be expecting much, but everyone looks over at me as he gives his permission… “You’re the perverted woman who let Six take all those racy pictures when you fought us! Your Highness, you should avoid women with no modesty, like this demon. On that front, I’m still pure! I can even ride unicorns…” “Shut your mouth! I didn’t expose myself like that because I wanted to! It’s all Six’s fault…!” Ignoring the two as their argument intensifies, I step behind Engel, who waits with an expression of curiosity. “Hmm? If you stand there, I won’t be able to see your trick, Six.” I let those words go in one ear and out the other. Alice notices that I’ve reached down to grab the zipper on my fly. As I watch the android’s oddly human-looking expression of bewilderment… “All right, here I go. This is one of the most famous can’t-miss party tricks passed down through the generations in my country!” “Topknot!” <Evil Points Acquired>
Chapter 17
45 min read