I’m standing in front of your prep school now.
Then I leaned against a lamppost and used my phone to get on the internet. I looked over some study materials online, glancing up at the entrance every now and then.
I happened to be looking at the door when a very tall girl came out. She caught my attention right away. She had a fantastic figure with a high waistline; she looked like a model. I couldn’t help giving her a once-over.
She was wearing a knit sweater that hid the contours of her body, with skinny jeans instead of a skirt. I wondered if she was dressed plainly on purpose. Her top was meant to be mixed and matched, and the hoodie she wore over it was in a very trendy color.
I was sure the boys in town would be glued to her if she were wearing a style that showed off her bare legs.
“Wait, Saki. It’s rude to look at a girl like that,” I said to myself.
I exhaled and was about to return my attention to my phone, when I noticed a familiar silhouette at the door, backlit by the lights from the building.
I’d been right—it was Asamura. I felt an odd sense of relief seeing his face under the light.
From there, we headed to a supermarket on the way home.
While shopping, I noticed how neutral Asamura was—a kindness directed toward everyone he encountered. He didn’t seem aware of it, but he would reach for the pepper high up on a shelf without being told and ask me if it was what I was looking for. He spoke to the women giving out food samples kindly and without a hint of arrogance.
We shouldn’t act differently with people based on preconceived notions. I tried to live by that rule, too, but I wasn’t as good as Asamura was at being friendly with others and creating an air of intimacy with them. Was it because I’d grown up with my biological father’s gruff attitude? I got the feeling that while I was better than him, that was as far as I’d gotten.
After we finished shopping and were walking through Shibuya’s Center Gai, we saw a bunch of people already in costume, even though Halloween was still a couple of days away.
✦ ✦ ✦
The road was so crowded, everyone’s shoulders were nearly touching. I began to feel ill, which only drove home how bad I was at being close to others.
Many of the pedestrians were red-faced from drinking and staggered across the street. I could smell alcohol. A man lost his balance and almost bumped into me, but Asamura stepped in to shield me. After that, he gently changed direction and took us down a less crowded path.
I stole a glance at him as he pushed his bicycle, its basket full of groceries, and wondered something to myself: At a time like this, was it okay to be honest and admit it if you wanted to hold hands?
Both of his hands were occupied, gripping the handlebars of his bicycle, and I couldn’t work up the nerve to say anything. Whether that was lucky or unlucky, I couldn’t say.
It was after nine when we got home.
I reheated the meal I’d made for Asamura. He was probably tired from attending prep school, so he really didn’t have to help me. But he started washing Dad’s and my dishes anyway.
“I would have done that. You should have left it,” I said.
“I can’t let you do everything. I don’t have a lot of ways to repay you, so let me handle this.”
“Not a lot of ways to repay me…? You’ve got that all wrong.”
Normally, I wouldn’t have said anything. The fact Asamura hadn’t mentioned what he was doing must have meant he didn’t want me to feel like I owed him—at least not yet. He probably wouldn’t say anything until he felt he was truly able to help me out.
In that case, it was better for me to keep quiet, too.
I was worried the wrong words might hurt his pride. But to be honest, I wanted to go further and tell him how I really felt, even if he resented me for it.
“Did you think I hadn’t noticed? You’re working so hard so you can help support the family, aren’t you?”
“Huh?”
“You couldn’t find me a high-paying part-time job, so you’re taking more classes at your prep school, investing in yourself so you can support me and the family. You intend to make back the school fees and then some, right?”
“Wow… You can see right through me, can’t you?”
“Well, when I considered the timing, it made sense. And besides…”
I was getting tense, and that made me thirsty. I took a sip of the miso soup I was reheating, pretending to taste it. It was still lukewarm.
Okay, say it. I’ll try to be just a little more open about my feelings.
“…I think about you, so I notice these things.”
Was it the heat from the microwave and the stove making me sweat? I hadn’t felt this way since I embraced him in my room.
Ever since, I hadn’t explicitly mentioned my feelings or asked to touch him again.
I didn’t want to impose my wishes on him, so I’d decided not to say anything unless I could tell he was genuinely asking for it.
There were too few examples of what an ambiguous relationship between a brother and a sister should be like, and I had no idea when, where, or how far I could go.
I stole a glance at Asamura’s face. He was single-mindedly washing the dishes. Could it be that he hadn’t heard me?
If that was the case, I’d embarrassed myself for nothing.
Suddenly self-conscious, I looked away. The white walls that filled my vision were strangely soothing.
I was debating whether I should try again—whether I should turn around and take his hand and tell him I wanted to touch him. That was when I heard our parents’ bedroom door open.
At the sound of my father’s yawn, I straightened up.
I can’t. It’s not appropriate to touch Asamura openly at home, no matter how nice a person Dad is. There’s an order to these things.
Dad poked his head into the kitchen and snatched a piece of chicken, then disappeared into the bathroom.
Didn’t he already eat?
But when he grinned and complimented the food, I realized something—he’d been worried about me.
Earlier, he hadn’t wanted me to go out alone late at night. He’d probably been waiting for me and Asamura to get home and was finally relieved enough to sleep.
The price for my selfishness was a piece of chicken—and not even mine but Asamura’s.
Sorry, Asamura. And sorry, Dad.
Still, seeing him worry about me, then let me off with only a gentle warning, deeply relieved me and gave me courage in my relationship with Asamura.