It was Friday, the day before Halloween.
At lunch break, the whole class was excited.
Some people say the eve of a festival is even better than the event itself, and there was even an anime about the day before a school cultural festival that lasts forever. Maybe that’s why everyone’s energy was running so high.
I couldn’t blame them. Once a festival arrives, the end is already within sight. That said, I hadn’t expected my classmates to be so excited about Halloween. Everyone was talking about what costumes they’d wear and where they were going. The only exception was the area within thirty centimeters of my desk.
“Yuuta. Can I talk to you for a minute?”
Shinjou came into our classroom with a serious look on his face. This was unusual for him, and it concerned me.
“Uh… What’s up?” I asked. “You look unsettled.”
“I want to talk to you in private. Can we go out on the balcony?”
“Who, me?”
“Yeah, you, Yuuta.”
“Shinjou, wait a minute. You’re not gonna tell me something bad, are you?”
“I’m not. Please. Tomokazu?” he said, turning to Maru.
“Hmph. Well…I don’t mind if Asamura doesn’t.”
“It’s okay with me,” I replied. “Let’s go.”
I stood up and began walking toward the balcony. Shinjou followed.
Barely any students were there despite it being lunch break, perhaps because it was getting colder outside. The only ones I could see were playing around far below us, and despite how open it was, it seemed like the perfect place to share a secret.
“So, Yuuta,” Shinjou began. “After our class’s Halloween party, I want to invite Ayase to an after-party, just the two of us.”
“…Oh. Okay.”
I had work that day so I couldn’t attend, but I didn’t want to disclose my part-time job, so I acted clueless.
“There’s just one thing that I want to check with you in advance,” he said.
“What’s that?”
“Yuuta. You’re in love with Ayase, aren’t you?”
What?! I was so taken aback that I wasn’t sure if I’d said that out loud or not.
The voices of the students down below seemed to fade into the distance and disappear. I looked at Shinjou’s hands where they gripped the balcony railing. I could tell he was squeezing his fingers, because of the veins standing up on his wrists. He seemed extremely nervous, and I was surprised at how desperate he was.
To me, Keisuke Shinjou seemed like a stylish, popular guy. He always appeared confident around girls, and I hadn’t thought he was the type to get hung up on one person in particular.
I had assumed his rash attempt to befriend me and get close to Ayase was all a kind of game to him and that was why he acted so casually around me.
However, Shinjou was now looking me straight in the eye. I could tell from his gaze that he wasn’t making fun of me or deceiving me.
“You mean as her brother?” I asked.
“You know that isn’t what I’m talking about.”
“What do you plan on doing once you hear my answer?”
“It depends on what it is.”
He didn’t want to back down, and I couldn’t think of a way out of the situation.
I didn’t know how to respond. How could I? Ayase and I were still unsure if our feelings were romantic or familial. How could I explain something I didn’t clearly understand myself? I was beginning to realize how useful it was to have easily understood tags like “boyfriend and girlfriend” or “siblings.”
Could I proudly proclaim here and now, in front of Shinjou, that I was in love with Ayase?
When we embraced in her room that day, we’d defined our relationship as one between exceptionally close siblings. It shouldn’t be much different from Shinjou’s own relationship with his sister. And in that case, was it okay for me to talk about Ayase like we were in love?
…Was that really all right?
Thoughts were whirling in my brain, when all of a sudden, they came to a halt.
I don’t know how Ayase feels, but what about me?
Let’s just suppose, hypothetically…
Was I fine with Shinjou staying in love with Ayase? Did I mind that he was trying to ask her out on a date?
Perhaps asking me if I was in love with Ayase was Shinjou’s way of being thoughtful.
If the world revolved around Ayase and me alone, we could maintain a vague, unorthodox relationship as long as we liked. But when others became involved, vague definitions weren’t enough. We needed a word everyone could understand.
To be frank, I didn’t have the evidence to prove whether my feelings for Ayase were those of a brother or those of a boy toward a girl. But if I had to specify, even if that meant lying, there was one answer I could give.
“Shinjou. I don’t mind giving you an answer, but I need you to promise me something.”
“What?”
“What I’m about to say is strictly how I feel, and it doesn’t include how Ayase feels. It doesn’t define my relationship with her, either, so I don’t want you jumping to any conclusions.”
“Uh, yeah… I’m not sure I follow, but okay.”
Even if romantic feelings existed between Ayase and me right now, we didn’t intend to make that public. We were siblings, not boyfriend and girlfriend. I had no choice but to keep saying that. Besides, Ayase hadn’t officially accepted me as her boyfriend—at least not yet. Still, there was something I could say based on my own judgment.
“Suffice it to say…” If Shinjou needed some firm statement to give up on Ayase, I had no qualms explaining to him how I felt. “…Yes, I love Ayase. I hope that answer satisfies you.”
After putting my feelings into words, I began to feel more confident.
I wanted him to give up on her. Those were my true feelings. And if that was how I really felt, then it was clear that deep down, I wanted to go further with Ayase.
I wondered what kind of expression Shinjou was making and glanced up at him. I’d never had to confront a rival for someone’s affection before in my life, and I had no idea how one might behave in this situation. Would he be angry? Sad? Would he pout? My mind ran through various possibilities, but in the end, none of them were correct.
“I see,” he said. His face was neutral, his voice plain and unaffected. It was as though he’d just been provided the model answer to a problem—something he’d expected right from the start. “Thanks for telling me, Yuuta.”
“Sure.”
“I’ll see you around, then.”
“Yeah. See you.”
Shinjou did a big stretch, turned his back to me, and walked away. After watching him head back to his own classroom, I looked over the balcony’s ledge again. I wasn’t Shinjou, so I didn’t know what he was thinking now or if he would start acting differently.
But his words of gratitude had felt genuine. Like they came from his core.
I felt hopeful that things wouldn’t turn out badly. Was I just getting carried away? Having expressed my feelings for Ayase, I felt stronger and more sure of myself.
When I got back to my classroom, Maru looked up from his book with concern and asked, “So what did you guys talk about?”
“He just wanted my opinion on something. I can’t go into detail, but it seems like the issue’s been resolved.”
“Hmm… Well, I guess it’s okay, then,” Maru said, looking at me suspiciously but ultimately dropping the subject.