Anyway, yeah… So Ushio and I were in the same class both freshman and sophomore year, as you already know. And that first year, everyone totally adored her. Good looks, amazing athlete, straight A student, incredible leadership skills, super friendly to everyone she met. She really did seem perfect in just about every way. It’d be harder to think of something she wasn’t great at. And…yeah, I kinda caught the Ushio bug too, for a little while. Honestly, I think just about everyone in our grade was either infatuated with her or jealous of her in one way or another. Yet she never let all that attention go to her head, or acted full of herself, or anything like that… Which only went to show what a genuinely good person she is, if you ask me.
But that’s exactly what made it so hard to watch when she came into class wearing a girl’s uniform that day in June last year, then told everyone she wanted to be a girl from now on. And for a long time, I refused to accept it. Like, I literally couldn’t imagine a single reason why someone who’d been the envy of all her male classmates would ever want to just…throw it all away like that.
I could’ve totally understood it if it was just a cross-dressing fetish or something like that. Or if she was secretly a massive otaku and had a huge collection of half-naked anime girl figurines littered all across her room. Or, hell—even if she was a huge kleptomaniac or went around terrorizing stray cats for fun or whatever… Those sorts of things, I could’ve probably learned to accept, even if I obviously wouldn’t like them.
But coming into class one day and saying “Hey, sorry for the mix-up, everybody, but I actually think I’m a girl, not a boy”? Yeah, no. That wasn’t something I could easily brush off or try to overlook like a weird personality quirk or a creepy hobby—because it was tied to her core identity and who she was as a person.
For a long time, I was in denial about it. Then, when I realized she was serious, I did everything I could to get her to go back to being the old Ushio, even if it was just on the outside. Because I mean, you can probably imagine how people in a place like Tsubakioka might treat someone who’s openly transgender, right? So I tried to reason with her about it a couple of times, saying she should at least keep that sort of thing to herself, for the sake of her own future. But when I realized there was nothing I could say to talk her out of it, I started lashing out at her instead, writing horrible things about her on the blackboard, and stuff like that… Even got a little violent with her a couple of times. Sorry, I guess it was more than just a little. You can cut that word out.
Anyway, I know this’ll probably sound crazy, but I genuinely believed I had good intentions at the time. Like, I really did think I had her best interest at heart, and all this cruel stuff I was doing to her was for her own good. But then, slowly but surely…everyone at school started to accept the new Ushio—even the ones who’d been treating her like an outcast just a few weeks prior! By the time autumn rolled around, she’d already regained her status as one of the most popular kids in school.
And it was only then, when I saw her enjoying that same level of popularity and acceptance as a girl, that I started to consider the possibility that maybe I was the one in the wrong. But I still didn’t want to believe it. I kept telling myself things like, “Oh, this must just be a fluke because everyone in our class already knew her… Once she gets out into the real world, people are totally gonna treat her like crap.” Looking back on it now, though, I’m just like, ugh… Why the hell did I have such a stick up my ass about it, y’know? For whatever reason, I just refused to change my mind. And then before long, it was me who didn’t have any friends left in our classroom—not her.
God, I was so stupid back then…
Hm? How do I feel about her nowadays?
I mean…from what I can tell, she’s been living her best life lately, so good for her. Don’t see her all that often anymore, but she seems to be feeling a lot more liberated and fulfilled ever since the start of our senior year. Actually, no—I take that back. I think it was after that incident on our class trip that I first noticed that change. Which is funny because I remember thinking she was really stupid for doing that, but maybe she made the right call in the end, based on how happy she seems to be now. And yeah, who knows… She might never have reached this level of happiness if she’d never transitioned, so maybe she also made the right call in choosing to come out to everybody when she did. Not that there’s any one right or wrong way to handle these sorts of things… I don’t think it’s as simple as that, necessarily.
But I will say that…yeah.
I do fully accept her for who she is now.
Getting to watch her walk so confidently down this path she’s chosen for herself… It’s a pretty incredible sight to behold, I have to say. She’s so radiant now, it almost hurts to look at her for too long. Even if I’m only ever staring from afar these days.
Who, me?
Eh, I’m hanging in there, I guess. Considering I managed to completely alienate myself from my entire class last year, I think I’m doing pretty okay for myself. Definitely don’t have anywhere near as many friends as I used to, and I don’t think I’ll ever make up with Ushio, but…that’s just the price I had to pay in order to grow as a person.
Huh?
Jeez, you’re really trying to put me on the spot here, aren’t you?
I mean, does it even matter? I just told you I don’t think we’ll ever make up. Like, I genuinely cannot imagine a future where she and I become friends again—and that’s okay. I’m not someone she needs or wants in her life anymore, and that’s perfectly fine. Hell, as far as I’m concerned, the sooner she forgets all about me, the better.
Wow… Don’t think I’ve talked this much with anyone in a really long time, actually. But yeah, I think I’ve said just about everything I can possibly say about Ushio at this point. Man, I feel exhausted now…but also kinda refreshed at the same time, weirdly enough. Always feels nice to have an opportunity to get a few things off your chest, you know?
A final statement?
No, I just told you I’ve said everything I could possibly say… Man, are you this pushy with everyone you interview? It’s kinda scary, not gonna lie.
Okay, okay, fine… I’ll say one last thing.
Hey, Ushio. Take care of yourself, okay?
Natsuki Hoshihara
So, you’d like me to talk about Ushio-chan in general? Why, yes, I’d be more than happy to do that! I’ll try my best to answer any questions you might have!
Oh, no need to be so formal?
Then do you mind if I just talk about her the way I normally would? Okay, yeah—I’ll do that, then. Makes things easier for both of us. Sorry, I’ve never been interviewed before, so I guess I was just feeling kinda nervous… Wonder if Ushio-chan’s used to this sort of thing. I remember seeing her get interviewed for some sports magazine back when she was still on the track team. I actually own a copy of that issue, ha ha. Couldn’t help but go out and buy one when I found out Ushio-chan was going to be in it, even though I’m definitely not their target demographic. It wasn’t even, like, a big section or anything, but it felt so cool to be like, “Whoa… Ushio-chan said this stuff…”
Wait, is this not the sort of content you’re looking for?! Oh god, I’m so sorry… Ugh, now I’m feeling all self-conscious. Can you just snip this part out or something? You can? Okay, phew!
So anyway, Ushio-chan and I have been in the same class since freshman year. I still remember the first time I saw her, I was so surprised—like, “Whoa, this has to be one of the most attractive people I’ve seen in my whole life!” It felt like she’d jumped right off the pages of a manga or something. I was such a nervous wreck the first time I went over and tried to say hi to her, you wouldn’t believe it…