Beloved Loss
I’D LOVED HIM EVER SINCE I’d first laid eyes on him. I knew that I was put in this world to be with him.
Tall as a pillar of ice, eyes as sharp as stone. Even from a distance, he was beautiful. Not only I but every woman in the venue stared at him with lust. The very attention he commanded was exceptional. It was as if everyone standing near him was there to accent him, and make him and him alone shine.
I wanted him to be mine. No—he was mine.
I’d been put in this world to be with him. I knew the same was true of him.
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My father had been born for this kingdom’s sake. He would live and die for the kingdom, and he accepted his fate willingly. His kingdom was all he loved—he’d chosen my mother, and produced me, for the kingdom’s sake. He was a slave to this kingdom, and vexingly, he believed every member of the nobility should follow his example.
My mother respected him for that. The only person who could’ve loved a man whose assets were limited to power and money would have been another zealot who adored the kingdom as much as my father did. And when you offered someone love, it was only natural to expect love in return. When my father refused to notice my mother as she wanted, the collapse of their marriage was all too predictable. If that marriage had been a fairy tale, it would’ve been branded drivel.
My mother brought lovers home shamelessly, while my father had eyes only for his kingdom. A handful of faceless servants raised me—I think they were switched out every day. On one occasion, a servant would be a young woman. On the next, it would be an older man, and then on the next, a different older man. As a little girl, I mistook butlers and maids for my parents. I think I even called some “Mother” and “Father” by mistake. I don’t remember what any of them looked like, though.
I didn’t dislike my father, nor my mother. I got to live and spend as I pleased. I wasn’t foolish enough to think I survived through my own hard work, and even without them nurturing me, I could live without constraint. Enough money smothered even the occasional pangs of loneliness I felt. My parents might’ve been able to stop my loneliness too, but they were never around, so I didn’t have the luxury of asking.
Anything I wanted came into my hands effortlessly. It was given to me even if I hadn’t asked for it. That was how I was born and how I was raised. If I demanded love, I received it.
“Hey. Father. I want that man to be mine.”
Now you’re mine, my love.
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The handsome man’s name was Auld. Even his name was beautiful. Up close, his eyes were sharper, resembling drawn daggers. If those eyes touched me, they’d pierce my skin. The danger in him felt like power and made me want him more.
His hair and eyes were a faint ash gray. Ah. Even your coloring is like a blade. Like a noble sword nobody can touch. So beautiful—oh, so beautiful!
“Welcome to the family, Auld.”
“Yes… Thank you for admitting me.”
Ah, he’s mine now. No, he’s mine once again. He’s meant to be mine—he’s back where he belongs, by my side.
My, how easy it was to marry him. Truth be told, I didn’t think my father would accept him. I’d been mentally prepared to marry whoever my father chose for me, so I’d resigned myself to just taking Auld as a lover on the side. But I was right—he and I were fated to be joined as one. We’d both been put in this world to love each other. The world itself had blessed our union!
You love me just as much as I love you. I know you love me. And I love you too. Oh, I love you so much. I love only you; I worship only you.
You…only you…are the one I love.
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What sort of wedding should we have? That question tormented me for a very, very long time. Truthfully, I wished it could just be the two of us. After all, he was so beautiful. I didn’t want anyone else to see him. My beautiful, my beloved—anyone would fall for him at first sight. He was the man I’d fallen in love with, so naturally he was the most wonderful man in the entire world.
But I wouldn’t allow someone else to fall in love with him. How dared anybody have feelings for the man born to be with me? Only I was allowed to love Auld. He was my beloved, all mine. Would you understand these feelings of mine, my sweet? Yes, he surely felt the same anguish as I did. Auld was the only man I could love, so he knew that I was the only woman he could love. Yet those feelings swirled inside me like a vortex; was it possessiveness? If you felt possessive of me, nothing would please me more. Just you and me—that’s all my world needs to be complete.
But you will succeed my father and become head of the duchy. I must meet with as many people as possible to make your job as easy as I can. I decided my father’s good name as a pillar of this kingdom must not be in vain. I was my father’s offspring. I would see his legacy through.
But while I am my father’s daughter, I am your wife first, my sweet. It is only natural that I would want to keep you all to myself.
I love you. I cannot help myself.
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Ahh. As I feared, the gazes directed at my beloved were full of lust. Those jackals spit in the face of his destiny—me—and conspired to ensnare him. It was simply ludicrous. Auld was my husband. He loved only me. In your gazes, in your hearts, there lies no meaning whatsoever.
Why, yes, I understand why you feel the way you do. He was beautiful, charming—I knew that better than anyone. But listen, you harlots! You disgust me. How dare you defile my beautiful treasure with your filthy, whorish gazes, you filthy, filthy…filthy…!
Auld was a kind man. He was the perfect gentleman. That was why he hesitated to swat them away. He didn’t wish the harlots to lose face. However much they sickened him, he was forced to answer them with a smile. What a sublime human being; what a merciful human being. Your kindness is so beautiful.
That was why I needed to do it.
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Auld was angry. He demanded that I stop, demanded to know why I was doing this.
Oh, sweet, gentle Auld. He pitied everyone who was hurt—even if they deserved to be hurt.
Yes…yes…my ever-beautiful beloved. Your kindness is so very sublime—but, you see, you don’t understand those girls. They take advantage of your kindness; they conspire to strike you through it. I’m sure you can tell. You can see it in their eyes, hear it in their voices, sense it in their behavior. They use politeness as an excuse. You mustn’t let your guard down simply because they have husbands. Please understand. My gentle sweetheart, I know you don’t want to hurt anyone. I know you can’t turn your back on someone when she cries before your very eyes. But helping her will do nothing to serve you.
Please…please try to understand.