All around me were couples and groups of friends walking around together, enjoying the park. Elena and I were supposed to look like that too... but I’d made her go back home by herself. I wondered if she was crying right now, and the thought almost made me cry as well.
It was already past six, and, since there was no point in staying there any longer, I headed home. On the train, I thought back on everything that had just happened. There’s only one thing I can do right now—tell Nishina about my feelings.
Elena had been so kind as to wish me happiness with Kokoro. Unfortunately, I knew that wasn’t going to happen. She liked Yuya, and they had probably already become boyfriend and girlfriend by now. Even if they hadn’t, it was only a matter of time. All I ought to do was give them my blessing. Nothing more.
What’s confessing to Nishina going to do? She’ll just reject me, and it’ll be a huge nuisance for her. I get that... but I still need to do it. If only to honor Minami’s kindness. Even if I can’t reach my goal, I have to at least try.
I took out my phone and messaged Kokoro.
“Hey. How did your date go? Actually, there’s something I want to talk about in person... Can we meet somewhere? At school or anywhere is fine.”
Her date probably isn’t even over yet. She has better things to do than read my texts... Or so I thought. The message was immediately marked as read. What’s more, her answer followed soon after.
“Yeah. Actually, I wanted to talk too. As long as it’s after school, I can find time.”
She wants to talk to me too? I felt a strange chill. At a time like this, there really was only one thing that Kokoro could want to talk to me about: her relationship with Yuya. Although she could be direct sometimes, she also had a way of being overly polite, and I could imagine that she felt the need to thank me for my help after finding the boyfriend she’d dreamed of. She didn’t give me any more details over LINE, so, whatever she wanted to tell me, she wanted to do so in person too.
Despite being thrown off by her unexpected answer, I managed to arrange a meeting with her: the next day, right after class. I’d find her in front of her classroom, then we’d take our conversation somewhere more appropriate.
Of course, I’d never in my life confessed my love to someone. I had no idea what an appropriate place looked like, nor did I know what the appropriate words were. I thought of how she would react when I told her that I liked her.
“You? Hah. I already like Yuya.”
Maybe I didn’t need to say anything complicated. “I know that you already like him. I just wanted you to know how I feel, even though it isn’t going to lead anywhere.”
But was that really all I wanted? Could I be satisfied with just telling her?
Of course not.
The truth was that I didn’t want her to date Yuya. Of course, I couldn’t tell her that... not after helping her out for so long. I wanted to be the one to make Kokoro happy. I wanted to spend more time with her... but not as a roommate—as a boyfriend. I’ve lied to myself long enough. I’ll tell her how I really feel, and I’ll accept her answer, whatever it may be...
As if to make me aware of my own stupidity, my mind wandered to the three chances I’d so willingly wasted: Yume, Mashiro, and Elena. These three cute girls, none of whom I was worthy of in the slightest, had somehow all ended up liking me. After sixteen years without a shred of luck in dealing with the opposite sex, it was completely inexplicable.
It still feels like a dream... Maybe it was some cosmic mistake. Whatever it was, it surely won’t repeat itself. Soon, I’ll be back to the old days, when no girl would so much as look at me. Why did I throw all of that luck away just so I could confess to a girl who’s going to reject me? I’m going to regret this, I’m pretty sure. If I’d just accepted their feelings, I could have been happy with any of them.
Even knowing full well that I was potentially heading toward the most lonely of all possible futures, I had already made my decision. I wouldn’t lie to myself anymore.
＊ ＊ ＊
The next day, I waited for Kokoro outside her classroom.
“Ah...”
Once homeroom was over, I saw her walk out, uncharacteristically alone. She saw me and, after taking a quick glance at my face, she averted her gaze.
“So... where should we go? I don’t really wanna talk out here in the hallway. Could we go someplace more private?” she asked.
Since I also didn’t want anyone to overhear what I had to say, I appreciated the suggestion.
“Okay, what about the roof then?” I replied, guessing there would be nobody there.
She agreed, and we made our way silently up the steps. Students weren’t technically allowed on the rooftop, but conveniently, that rule was never enforced and the door was never locked.
I knew what I needed to say, and I’d rehearsed the words over and over again in my mind, but now that Kokoro was right in front of me, saying nothing and running away seemed like the more reasonable option. Confessing my love knowing all the while that she would reject it was beyond terrifying.
This’ll just make things even more awkward between us. She was already avoiding me, but she could stop speaking to me altogether after this...
Over the past few months, multiple girls had confessed their feelings to me. Without any doubt, they’d been incredibly brave to do so... but I’d thrown their efforts to the wind every time.
“So,” Kokoro said once we were alone, “about that thing I wanted to tell you—”
“Actually, can I go first?”
“Huh?” She looked at me, surprised. “Um, okay...”
My mind was already made up; I had to tell Kokoro how I felt before she told me that she’d become Yuya’s girlfriend. Doing so afterwards would take more courage than I had, and leaving without having made my confession was out of the question.
My hands were shaking. I took a deep breath. If I didn’t speak now, I would regret it for the rest of my life. “I know you’re probably officially dating Yuya by now. And I know that what I’m going to say will sound awkward, or maybe even inappropriate, but I... I like you, Nishina. I love you. Even if you have a boyfriend now, I can’t hide my feelings anymore.”
“Wh... What...?” Kokoro looked at me, shocked, and tried to say something, but before she could do so, I continued talking.
“I was rooting for you and Yuya, but now I’m going to say something selfish. I want you to break up with him. I want to be with you, and I can’t think of being with anyone else... I want to be your boyfriend. I get it now. You were the perfect otaku girlfriend I was looking for all along. And I want to date you—for real this time.”
My speech had gone nothing like how I’d planned. I was stuttering, and I couldn’t even look Kokoro in the face as I spoke. As far as love confessions go, mine had been pathetic, but I’d said all I had to. I’d needed to relay all of my feelings to her.
She was so different from what I’d considered my type of girl to be. Nothing like my dream girl. Sure, she was an otaku, she shared some of my hobbies, and she was cute, but that was pretty much it. Kokoro was a fujoshi. She was way too forward, she didn’t show much respect for other people, and she often said way too much. She had a flashy, gaudy style that totally contrasted the innocent-looking, understated girls I was into.
And yet, despite all this, I had no doubt about it—she was the perfect otaku girlfriend for me. I couldn’t even think of loving someone else as much as I loved her.
Kokoro stared at me, her eyes wide open. My confession must have taken her by surprise. “Wait, what are you saying? What about Minami?!” she asked.
“I broke up with her.”
“What?!”
That piece of news seemed to shock her even further. She dropped her gaze and fell silent.
I’m sure this whole confession is a huge nuisance for her... She doesn’t even know how to reply, I thought, wanting more than ever to just run away, but I couldn’t let my confession go to waste. I had to wait for her answer.
“Actually... I’m not dating Yuya.”
“I knew—wait. Huh?!” Did I jump to conclusions too fast?!
“When we went on that date a few days ago, he... well, he didn’t exactly confess to me, but he told me that he’d like for us to keep seeing each other. And, I mean, I was down for it. He’s my type, and he was a really nice guy when I talked to him. And also... you already had Minami.”
The last reason left me confused. Does that mean that if I hadn’t been dating Minami, Nishina wouldn’t have been down for dating Yuya?
“I regretted taking so long to realize my own feelings,” she said. “And I was totally shocked when I heard that you’d become her boyfriend... That’s when I realized I liked you.”
She... liked me? I didn’t know what to say.
“At first, I told myself I had to give up. Minami’s my friend—I didn’t want to hurt her. And it’s not like I stood a chance against her anyway. So all I could do was wish you both the best and do my own thing. I thought that maybe dating Yuya will help me forget about you... but you kept being super kind to me and stuff. You stood up for me when my mom was all mad, and the things you said made me happy... How could I just forget about you?”
“N-Nishina...”
Am I dreaming? I can’t believe what I’m hearing...
“So, you know, even though I was the one who went up to him in the first place, I texted Yuya after our date to tell him I was, like, really sorry, but I just couldn’t see him anymore. When he asked me why, I told him that I was in love with someone else. I decided that, even if you’re dating Minami already, I needed to tell you how I feel. I wanted you to know I like you. Even though Minami is basically your dream girl, I wanted you to know that I would try as best I could to be just as perfect for you because I wanted to be by your side... as your girlfriend.”