Short Story:
A Shovel Report on Princess Lithisia
“THERE WE GO. My report’s finally done. What a long, grueling journey this has been…”
Ninja Orc, a spy serving Zeleburg’s army, was extremely tired. A talented interloper, he had been charged with monitoring Lithisia at all times, all so that, should his master so order it, he could at any time or place kidnap the princess.
This was the most difficult mission of his entire career.
He reviewed his report, still struggling to confirm its shocking details.
The princess’s quarters were located on the top floor of the World Tree Castle, and she was early to rise.
“Mmm, good morning, shovel!”
Lithisia stretched out on the bed, still in her nightgown. Every morning she awoke at the same time thanks to her internal clock. 5:31 A.M., every single morning. Apparently, she did this because 5=S, 3=E, and 1=L. Hence, “SHOVEL.” Yeah.
“Time for my morning Shovelthenics, shovel!”
And so the princess took up a series of Wave Motion Shovel Blast poses. She undid the safety, lined up her shot, and even made the sound of the attack with her mouth, repeating this process a total of three times.
In the Holy Shovel Empire, Lithisia planned to make it a requirement for all members of the military and all students undergoing mandatory Shovel Education to do Shovelthenics in the morning. The princess needed to set an example.
“Whew! I worked up a sweat! I should get changed before breakfast.”
And so Lithisia Shovel Sashayed over to the dining hall, making sure to stop by the Shovel Changing Room (a dressing room with all kinds of clothes that had Shovel Designs on them), and slipping into her princess dress. Normally she would have had several attendants to help her put this on, but Princess Lithisia instead had the help of multiple Shovel Women.
As for what “Shovel Women” referred to…well, they were the princess herself. To put it simply, she divided herself.
“Shovel, shovel, shovel!”
After gripping her shovel and repeating those words thrice, mini-Lithisias about fifteen inches tall a pop appeared before her. Indeed, this princess divided herself on a daily basis. It was more than safe to say she that was no longer a member of the human race.
“Breakfast time, shovel!”
Walnut bread and honey soup, plus a bowl of cornflakes. The elf girl Fio usually prepared breakfast for Lithisia, and the princess ate it using her shpoon (shovel-shaped spoon) or barehanded. She once tried to eat the walnut bread with her shpoon, but it turned out to be a touch too difficult.
“I am to be a Shovel Princess, and therefore of course my bare hands are shovels as well, shovel!”
“What are you saying, Your Highness?”
That was how she pushed her way into being able to eat with her hands.
However, since forks were still off-limits, meat dishes were a struggle.
“By the way, where is Sir Miner?”
The princess cast her gaze around the breakfast table. “Sir Miner” referred to Alan, one of the princess’s followers. Princess Lithisia longed for him. Though actually, it was more like worship. Idolization? Shoveling?
“Wait, what’s up with this entry?”
Ninja Orc did not recall ever writing these words. He remembered writing about worship and idolization, but not shoveling.
“Did one of my people rewrite this?”
Despite the faint chill creeping down his back, Ninja Orc continued to reread his report.
Lithisia then washed off the sweat she had worked up during her morning Shovelthenics in the bath. Crazily enough, this princess even brought a shovel into the bath with her. Rustless metal, apparently. She used it like a body scrub, washing every part of her body. This was prep for her morning shovel training.
“T-today might be the real deal, shovel…”
Lithisia used the shovel to scrub every inch of her body. Shoof, shoof, shoof. No matter how one thought about it, this couldn’t be good for her skin, yet for some reason her complexion shone even more brightly. Her eyes took the shape of shovels and her eyelids even began to flutter as she drooled.
In other words, she was getting extremely, uh, into this shovel (a completely merciless opinion).
“Ah… Sir Miner… Shovel, shovel… Love… Shovel…”
The princess pressed her shovel to her chest and began to rub said shovel up against her great mountains.
Shoof, shoof, shoof.
“Ah, this is too much! Ah, nobody but Sir Miner is allowed to watch me shovel, ah! Ah! I shouldn’t be doing this, but, ah! Did you write this all down, shovel?”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”
Before Ninja Orc realized what was happening, Lithisia stood in front of him. In the dark room, her shovel-shaped pupils shone brightly. She smiled, but it was a terrible and terrifying smile.
“Hee hee. As long as you didn’t write down that bit, I was willing to overshovelook all of this, shovel.”
“B-but, h-how are you here, Princess Lithisia?!” Ninja Orc was a first-class spy, and yet he hadn’t sensed her presence until the moment she chose to show herself.
“The ‘shovels’ in your report. That’s all there is to it.”
“What does that even mean?!”
Lithisia smiled. “Whenever you read the word ‘shovel’…” She pointed her shovel at the report. “I, as the Shovel Princess, am present there as well, shovel.”
Several seconds passed before Ninja Orc understood.
This princess, she’s…she’s…! She was a “shovel” the likes of which someone such as him should never have come in contact with.
“Goodbye, shovel!”
That’s where Ninja Orc’s existence ended. The next time he woke, he would be Shovel Ninja.
“Hee hee… Ah, right. There’s one other person who read the shovel report.” Lithisia smiled and turned.
As for where she was looking, I suppose that goes without saying. She turned to you.
Then, she spoke. “Everyone, thank you so much for reading The Invincible Shovel! I hope you stick with us, shovel!”
I know the heroine’s a little out there, but thanks for reading, shovel.
~The author, who has completely lost control of his own tale