“It feels more like a magic trick than a skill,” I’d said to her.
“Huh? What do you mean?”
Back during our journey to the Holy City, one of the rivers we’d needed to cross had flooded during the torrential rains, and the bridge had gotten washed away. The locals had been setting up a temporary bridge to replace it, but they’d told us it’d be another half a day until it was ready. We’d contemplated traveling up along the river to get to a bridge farther north, but that detour would’ve cost us an extra two days. So we’d opted to take it easy and wait.
We’d set down our luggage by the riverside and spent a while doing maintenance on our equipment, but even then, we’d still ended up with spare time on our hands. Cion had pestered me about how she needed more exercise, and she’d practically dragged me off for another round of sparring on the edge of the woods where no one would see us.
She’d told me, “I won’t strike back at all,” but then she’d countered me with a jab anyway. Still determined to get at least one good hit on her, I’d grabbed a tree branch off the ground and thrown it at her, but she’d already disappeared—
“Bam!”
She’d sent me flying from behind, and I’d ended up sprawled out in the grass. I’d hit my jaw when I fell; it had really, really hurt.
The pain had motivated me to go back over the fight in my head, hoping I could at least avoid a repeat incident the next time we fought. I’d remained at a loss no matter how long I thought, though.
“Is it some sort of perception-blocking effect? Or spatial obfuscation, maybe? I know explaining your skills is taboo, but regardless, I can see I don’t have any chance against you in a one-on-one fight. I surrender.”
“Heh heh heh...”
She always gets so pleased with herself whenever I praise her. She’s like a dog.
“But I think you’re fine the way you are, Alicia.”
“You’re right; I’m just a delicate bride, after all. I’ll simply hide behind you, Sir Hero.”
“Ummm... I didn’t mean it like that...”
Cion had looked a little unsure of herself as I’d glowered, but she’d kept on frantically searching for the right words.
“I mean, like—when you fought those drunks back at the boss’s place, you made sure to hold back, and you even healed them afterward, right? I don’t know if you taught them a lesson, exactly, but they got all hyped up about how they weren’t gonna lose to some bride, and they really did get their act together after that.”
“Well, now... Stranger things have happened, I suppose.”
They were just trying to save face after I beat them up; that’s all.
“I don’t think I could ever do that, though. I just thought it was really amazing, you know? And when I was up against those knights too—I can fight, but I’m no good at supporting people. Master always told me, ‘You’ve got a knack for taking lives, but you can’t protect people, so you’ve gotta put your own life first. If you’ve got time to protect something, then just focus on hunting down whatever’s attacking.’”
“That does sound like him...”
He probably meant it out of fatherly concern, but, well... We can get into that some other time.
“So you’re saying I’m admirable because I’m not suited to killing people?”
“No, that’s not what I mean!”
I just hadn’t been able to figure out what she was trying to say. And besides, if we were talking about who made a better murderer, I’d killed far more humans than she had.
“Sorry, Cion. Could you try and explain it a little more clearly?”
It hadn’t seemed like anything especially important, but Cion had been struggling really hard to put her thoughts together. Looking at her face, I’d felt like I owed it to her to try and understand.
“I mean—you’re really good at saving people, Alicia! It’s awesome how you can give everyone the push they need to move forward! You’re great at being a bride of the Gods!”
“Uhhhh...”
Cion’s slightly overenthusiastic conclusion hadn’t felt at all convincing. If I’d ever supported anyone, it had been entirely for my own benefit, not for theirs. All I did was use the people around me and the names of the Gods—all for the sake of my own survival.
“I... I’m really not as good a person as you think I am, Cion...”
That hadn’t been why, exactly, but as I’d looked into those innocent eyes, I’d let a bit of the truth slip out.
But Cion had just smiled shyly back at me.
“You are, though! I mean, you’ve saved me too, haven’t you?” she’d said. “So next time, I’ll be the one to save you, Alicia!”
You’re wrong, I’d thought to myself, but I hadn’t been able to correct her. All the faith she placed in me was just because of the enormity of everything she’d lost. I ought to have told her that, but I’d just nodded noncommittally and averted my eyes from that utterly trusting gaze.
She hadn’t known a single thing about the real me. She’d just stood there, smiling like a child, and...
“Ughhhhh, dammit... If my life’s gonna flash before my eyes, I’d really rather remember a useful spell right about now...”
All my senses felt distant, but I mustered what strength I had to sit up and raise my face.
“Cion... What am I supposed to do if you’re over there?”
My vision was cloudy. I couldn’t tell what sort of expression she had on her face right now.
The barrage of divine weapons had turned the inside of the cathedral into nothing but a mountain of debris, but somehow, the roof still hadn’t collapsed. I had to hand it to those architects.
“You understand, don’t you?” the saint asked. “Isn’t this enough?”
Accompanied by the cool tones of bells, she told me that I’d fought long and hard enough—that I’d done all I could to resist her control, and now it was fine for me to rest.
If I took her outstretched hand, it would all be over. I’d be at peace. I wouldn’t have to worry about any of the walls I’d struggled against; I could just obey the saint’s will, avert my eyes from the harsh reality around me, and find happiness.
But all the same, even if that were true, I—
“I can’t just leave her like that.”
As I stared at Cion, now the saint’s puppet, that childlike smile floated through my mind and refused to go away.
I was gradually regaining my vision. I felt my right arm—I could still move it. My legs weren’t broken either. It probably helped that she’d never been trying to kill me, but more importantly, I hadn’t taken any direct hits. When the ground under my feet had been carved away and I’d gone flying, I’d managed to avoid any critical injuries. I could easily have ended up completely incapacitated.
“Why? Why do you persist in this?!”
The saint’s expression darkened as she stared at me. Her teeth were clenched, and her tears flowed with anger as well as sadness. Looking at her face, I felt like I finally understood why Father Carol had told me that she and I were alike.
My legs were too unsteady to run, so I walked toward the saint, one step at a time.
She and I were both sore losers. I could see it now.
“You want to change the world all on your own. But you can’t change anything, so you give up. But you can’t ever really give up, so you let that wish seize hold of you... You decide you’d rather just take on everything yourself, if you could...”
I was finally starting to see the true form of the monster in front of me.
“You want to save the children, you want to protect me... You say all these pretty words, but in the end, you’re just a self-centered child ignoring reality.”
Once I saw it, it was all obvious. I felt a laugh bubbling up inside me. We really did have one arrogant saint. She’d just felt love for others and stubbornly insisted that she’d save them. She’d kept pushing until she ended up stuck in a dead end, unable to move. The woman standing in front of me was nothing but a poor lost lamb.
“Your dreams won’t come true. You’ll never save every child in the world—not unless you can become a god.”
There were no Gods. Reality didn’t work like that. So all we could do was struggle—no matter how much blood spilled from our bodies—against this senseless world.
“But— But still, I—”
I was the one who’d been overpowered, but the saint was the one starting to panic.