Chapter 31:
100 Random Questions on Luo-Shen's Affinity
THE QUESTIONNAIRE interviewees: Luo Binghe x Shen Qingqiu.
The questionnaire interviewer: Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky.
The questionnaire provider: the System.
Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky’s System had issued him a quest: an extremely bizarre questionnaire. He had no idea what the questionnaire was trying to ascertain. The further down he read, the more disturbing the questions became.
But no matter how disturbing it was, he had to farm some points, didn’t he?!
After abandoning his dignity (what little remained in the first place) and pleading with Master Shen, Shen Qingqiu finally, reluctantly agreed to bring along that…disciple he’d raised for the purpose of completing this questionnaire.
Now presenting: Live updates from Airplane.
“Your names, please?” asked Shang Qinghua.
Having just sat down before hearing this question, Luo Binghe raised his eyebrow and said unhappily, “If you don’t even know our names, why would you ask us anything?”
“Your ages?”
To tell the truth, Shen Qingqiu didn’t really know the precise age of this body. He raised his head at Shang Qinghua. “Wouldn’t you know better than I do?”
Shang Qinghua twirled the brush in his hand. He’d never thought about this question either, so he figured he might as well just say whatever. Therefore he randomly wrote a number down in a couple of strokes. “Your genders?”
Having received three idiotic questions right off the bat, Luo Binghe had already stopped bothering to answer.
Shen Qingqiu couldn’t take it anymore either. “We’ve been recategorized into the Green JJ’s danmei section—what do you think?”
Shang Qinghua silently drew a line through the next thirty or so similarly stupid questions, then started asking anew. “How is your personality?”
Shen Qingqiu thought for a while. “All right, probably. This Shen should be considered relatively easy to get along with.”
“Don’t know,” said Luo Binghe.
“And what about your partner’s personality?”
Shen Qingqiu began counting off traits. “Crybaby, maiden-hearted, lovesick, chuunibyou, and clingy.”
A watery shimmer shone in Luo Binghe’s eyes. Having been disparaged, he felt a little hurt, but he still obediently answered the question. “Naturally, Shizun’s personality is the best. Gentle and strong and considerate.”
Shen Qingqiu fell silent. Suddenly he felt a bit bad! What is this?!
He coughed dryly twice and changed his tune. “Actually, this child’s personality isn’t too bad. He has one good trait that is especially rare: he listens and does as he’s asked. That’s enough in itself.”
A blush rose on Luo Binghe’s cheeks.
“When did the two of you meet?” Shang Qinghua asked in a monotone. “And where?”
He already knew the answer to this question!
“The first time I met Shizun was right after I’d passed Cang Qiong Mountain’s initiation trials…”
Shen Qingqiu was feeling ill at ease. At that time, Luo Binghe had met the original flavor, not him, and it wasn’t a particularly wonderful memory either. He waved his fan. “Pass, pass!”
“What was your first impression of your partner?”
Luo Binghe continued to reminisce. “A lofty, untouchable immortal,” he said buoyantly.
“A small bun,” Shen Qingqiu said frankly. And a handsome little sprout.
“What do you like about your partner?”
“He listens to me well enough,” Shen Qingqiu said kindly.
Luo Binghe smiled. “I like everything about Shizun.”
“What do you hate?”
“Nothing,” Luo Binghe said firmly.
Shen Qingqiu was a little moved by this resolute and decisive answer. So he reciprocated and also said, “Nothing.”
Besides, if he really said he hated something and made Luo Binghe cry in front of someone else, that would be way too shameful…
“How do you address your partner?”
Finding this dull, Luo Binghe turned his head. “Shizun, these questions are ridiculous. Exactly what did we come here for?”
“Be good, Binghe,” Shen Qingqiu said calmly. “It’s just a formality. Think of it as saving your Shang-shishu’s life.”
“How do you want your partner to address you?”
Luo Binghe’s face reddened.
This bashful reaction made an ominous premonition well up inside Shen Qingqiu. He waved his hand. “Pass! Pass, pass, pass!”
Having caught on to a possible point of interest, Shang Qinghua wheedled. “What do you mean ‘pass’?! If you just ‘pass, pass, pass’ every single question, what’s the point in even asking? Bing-ge…uh, Shizhi, go ahead and say it!”
Luo Binghe nervously glanced at Shen Qingqiu out of the corner of his eye and quietly said, “I’d like to be addressed in the way married couples normally address each other.”
“Master Shen, did you hear that?” Shang Qinghua asked instantly. “Bing—ahem, Shizhi wants you to address him like you’re married. Husband, hubby, honey, you choose one.”
“You shut up,” said Shen Qingqiu.
“If you were to compare your partner to an animal, what would they be?”
Without needing to think, Luo Binghe said, “A white crane.”
“I can’t think of an animal,” said Shen Qingqiu. “But I do have a plant. A black lotus.”
Luo Binghe didn’t understand. “Shizun, do lotuses come in black too?”
“If you were giving your partner a present, what would you choose? And what present would you yourself like?”
“As long as Shizun says the word, I will give him anything he desires.”
“I don’t think there’s anything I particularly want,” Shen Qingqiu said honestly.
As a peak lord, there really didn’t seem to be anything that was hard for him to get. When he thought about it, it really did feel like he was sitting on top of a mountain of gold and letting it go to waste.
“Then I want Shizun to ignore everyone else and stay by my side for three days.”
Shang Qinghua licked the tip of his brush and muttered, “Why not just have him stay by your side for a lifetime?”
Luo Binghe shook his head. “Then Shizun would be unhappy.”
At the sight of his dejected appearance, like that of a grumbling woman, Shang Qinghua was tongue-tied with shock.
Conversely, Shen Qingqiu was completely calm. “Silly child, you’re thinking wild thoughts again. Why would this master be unhappy?”
“How far has your relationship progressed?”
“We’ve done all the things we should have, and some things we shouldn’t,” said Shen Qingqiu.
“Why are there things we shouldn’t have done?” Luo Binghe asked, hurt. “Does Shizun feel that we shouldn’t have…done it?”
“No. If we really shouldn’t have done it, this master wouldn’t have let you do it.”
“Where was your first date?”
“Huan Hua Palace Water Prison,” said Luo Binghe.
Shang Qinghua was silent.
Shen Qingqiu was equally silent.
Bing-ge, you call that a date?!
“What was the mood between you at the time?”
“Not very good,” said Luo Binghe.
That wasn’t something that could be described as merely “not very good”!
“Where do your dates often take place?”
Shen Qingqiu rested his chin on his hand. “The moment I open my eyes, I see him. And when I close my eyes, he’s still the one I see in my dreams. Does that mean we’re on dates all the time?”
“Does Shizun find it annoying?” Luo Binghe asked cautiously.
Shen Qingqiu rubbed his back. “No. You’re just overthinking.”
Shang Qinghua thought that dating Bing-ge—no, Bing-mei, sounded really fucking exhausting. It had only been a couple of questions, but Master Shen had already soothed him three times! This glass heart kept shattering and getting glued back together—exactly when would it end?!
Fucking annoying!
Shen Qingqiu is basically a kindergarten teacher who’s taking care of a kid!
“Who was the first to confess?”
“Me,” said Luo Binghe.
“Of course it was him,” said Shen Qingqiu.
“What things does your partner do that make you feel helpless?”
Shen Qingqiu shrugged and said weakly, “Whenever he starts to cry, there’s nothing I can do.”
“Whenever Shizun gets mad, I’m unable to do anything.”
Shang Qinghua hummed in acknowledgment, bouncing his leg. He wrote it down while roasting them in his heart: They really are exactly like a kindergartner and his teacher!
“When you’re together, what makes your heart race the most?”
“When he pats my head and gives me instructions,” Luo Binghe said earnestly.
“Uh, when he tearfully begs me for something,” said Shen Qingqiu.
Luo Binghe went on, “And also when he scolds me, and hits me…”
He was acting awfully twitterpated, but Shen Qingqiu was already very used to this.
Shang Qinghua silently added a note beside Luo Binghe’s name: A hopeless masochist. Beyond cure.
“Have you lied to your partner before? Are you good at lying?”
Right after asking this question, he confidently wrote the words “Big Fat Liar” after Luo Binghe’s name.
“Yes,” said Luo Binghe. “But never again!”
“Have you fought before? What kind of fights were they?”
Shen Qingqiu sighed. “We fought a lot, and terribly too. Thinking about it now, I don’t know why we did. It could all have been avoided.”
“Why do you keep asking these kinds of questions?” Luo Binghe asked angrily. “You’re making Shizun unhappy for no reason.”