Confusion.
Sadness.
Disappointment.
Anger.
Those were the things I felt when I learned Etsuko had been murdered by my father…by Yuugo Ichihara. I kept cycling through each emotion at a dizzying pace.
He killed Etsuko?! But why? How could this have happened?
Just the other day, she was sitting and laughing with me in the garage. Now, I would never see her again. How?
Wasn’t the point of music to save people? So why would he kill someone?
My thoughts kept circling back to the same place. I couldn’t even cry. It was like my mind couldn’t catch up with reality.
On the news, they announced that Dad had confessed, saying, “We were arguing about the band’s future, and it escalated to the point where I strangled her.”
I had seen Etsuko and Dad arguing a lot lately. But…he’d killed her? They were supposed to love each other!
For a long time, I couldn’t accept reality. I skipped school and lay in bed. I didn’t touch my bass.
At some point, a visitation date was set, and I went to the jail with Yasu.
“It’s okay. You’re going to be okay,” he said, patting my back.
I knew he was just trying to be nice, but none of this seemed “okay.” And by the time I accepted reality, my heart felt like it had turned to ice.
“If you live your life, one day it’ll become music.”
Those words had been like a treasure I’d received from my father, but now they rang hollow in my mind. He’d looked so pleased with himself when he said it… But then, he’d stolen Etsuko’s music and her life away from her.
After we entered the visitation room, a guard escorted my father inside. His eyes were dark and his cheeks sunken. He looked pathetic.
“Risa,” he said as soon as he sat down. “……I’m sorry.”
I felt something explode inside my cold heart.
“What’s the point in apologizing to me?!” I shouted. I couldn’t stop myself.
Dad gritted his teeth, his mouth a straight line.
“Why did you kill her?” I asked. “She loved music so much…and she loved you!”
“I didn’t mean to kill her,” he said in a low voice. But he sounded like a child making excuses, and I couldn’t contain my anger.
“What did you think would happen if you strangled her?!”
“We were having a life-or-death argument.”
“What?!”
I couldn’t understand what he was saying. A life-or-death argument? Had Etsuko felt the same way? It would have been one thing if they were pointing knives at each other or something, but that wasn’t the case. Dad had killed Etsuko.
“She told me…to ignore the sponsors and make music the way I wanted to. Then, she started insulting my music, saying that lately it was painful to listen to. So…”
“So what? So you killed her? You’ve gotta be kidding me! She was worried about you!”
“I never asked her to worry about me! We’re professionals now! I had to think about making our music better!”
“So because of that, you…” The words “killed Etsuko?” stuck in my throat, unable to come out.
I had thought he was an adult worthy of my respect. But looking back on it now, I was only listening to my father’s music. I admired the way he played the bass, so I started playing, too. I’d been following in his footsteps ever since. He was a man of few words, who communicated his feelings through his music.
But I’d never dreamed he was lacking in such basic, common sense.
“Etsuko wanted to be with you, Dad! She cared about more than just your music. She cared about you as a person, and she was worried about you!” I said desperately, but my father just stared at me impassively.
Then, he said quietly, “Someone like me…can only live for music.”
It sounded like he was cutting himself off from everything else.
I’d been trying to convey Etsuko’s feelings to him, to knock some sense into him, to make him remember how to be a human. But now, I realized that was pointless.
“Ha-ha.” A dry laugh escaped my lips. “Yeah. Right. You can only live for music, huh? ……Sounds real cool.” I glared at him as I spoke. “In that case, you should’ve died, too.” I heard Yasu gasp beside me. “Because your music is already dead.”
“Risa, I…,” Dad began.
“I don’t want to hear anymore!” I yelled, slamming my hands against the acrylic panel separating us. The guard’s gaze flickered toward me. “I don’t believe in you or your music anymore!”
With that, I stormed out of the room.
“Ah! Risa?!” I heard Yasu calling me from behind, but I didn’t stop. I ran and ran until I was outside the building. It wasn’t very far at all, but I was panting, and my heart was pounding. “Huff… huff…” My legs gave out, and I collapsed onto the ground. “Haah, haah… Waaah!”
Tears spilled out from my eyes, and my vision blurred. I couldn’t see anything.
You should’ve died, too.
I thought about what I’d said to him. That wasn’t what I’d wanted to say. But I couldn’t stop myself.
I still couldn’t accept that a person I loved had taken the life of someone so important to me. I’d thought the two of them would continue making music together, side by side, forever. Thinking about that had made me so happy.
Surely, they hadn’t worked so hard to have everything end like this?
My beloved father, my precious Etsuko, and their music…all vanished in an instant.
My body shook with sobs as I doubled over in front of the jail and cried.
“Risa!” Yasu came rushing over to me. “It’s okay. Calm down.”
“It’s not okay…”
“It’s okay.”
“It’s not okay!” I yelled. “Everything… Everything’s gone!”
“Oh, Risa…” Yasu rubbed my back as I cried.
My core felt frozen, and I couldn’t stop myself from shivering. I sobbed pathetically. All I could do was cry.