Nagoshi chuckled softly. “You don’t have to look so sad. You didn’t know her.”
“Yeah, but…”
“Forget it. You came at just the right time. Why don’t you play a little?” She gestured toward the drums. “I can only sit and reminisce. So how about you play instead? I’m sure she’d like that.”
“Huh? Are you sure it’s okay?”
“Yeah, it’s fine. In fact, it might be just the thing.”
I hesitantly took off my bag and got out my drumsticks. She plugged in the drum set for me and switched on the console. Then, she turned on the speaker.
“It’s all ready for you.” She smiled faintly and moved over to the sofa, quietly sitting down.
Nervously, I began to play. I was practicing the first song we were going to perform at the festival. It was a ballad, so the tempo was slow. Even without the other instruments, I tried to adjust my playing to create a mellow atmosphere. I wasn’t confident in my technique yet, so being able to focus on that signified a lot of progress.
I was playing the same drums as a woman Nagoshi had loved like an older sister, on the anniversary of her death.
Something warm bubbled up in my chest, but at the same time, I felt a strange sense of calm, like a gentle breeze. I wondered if my drumming would be a fitting tribute for the woman who’d passed away.
I glanced over at Nagoshi and met her gaze. She seemed surprised, her mouth slightly open as she stared back at me.
Almost as quickly, I had to turn back to focus on my hands. But Nagoshi’s expression was burned into my mind. I desperately continued to hit the drums. The song was less than four minutes long, but it felt like I’d been playing for ages.
Once it was over and I put down my drumsticks, Nagoshi clapped enthusiastically.
“You’ve really gotten better, Asada!” she said with emotion. “At first, you seemed overwhelmed just hitting the drums, but now you’re able to focus on the mood of the song.” Her gaze wavered a bit, then she stared straight at me. “What were you thinking about while you were playing?”
Recently, I’d noticed that when Nagoshi asked a question, it was because she really wanted to know the answer.
I wasn’t sure what I’d been thinking over the course of the song’s four minutes, but I had a feeling she was referring to a specific moment.
“I was hoping my drumming would be a fitting tribute for the woman who passed away,” I replied.
She sucked in a breath, then smiled. “…Oh.” She nodded a few times like she understood, then leaned her head back against the sofa. “You really do have a way with words. I’m sure Etsuko would be happy.”
Etsuko…
I’d heard that name somewhere before. Suddenly, it struck me. I felt like I’d been hit by lightning.
“Etsuko… Was that her name?” I asked, my voice trembling. “The person who used to play these drums.”
“Ah.” Nagoshi hesitated and looked away.
She must have let down her guard and said the name by accident. But now that I’d heard it, I couldn’t stop myself from asking.
“Was her name… Etsuko Sajima?”
Nagoshi looked around anxiously. That was all the answer I needed.
“How do you know that name?” she asked.
“Sousuke…told me your music reminded him of Yuugo Ichihara’s. I ended up watching some videos of Stray Fish and…”
“Oh…” She closed her eyes and let out a deep sigh. Then, she slowly nodded. “Yeah.”
“I see…”
All the strength drained from my body. My drumsticks slipped out of my hands and fell to the floor with a clatter.
Yuugo Ichihara had strangled Etsuko Sajima to death. And Nagoshi said the person who had played these drums…had been her father’s girlfriend. I’d heard from Kaoru that Yuugo Ichihara and Etsuko Sajima were dating.
When the puzzle pieces came together, the truth chilled me to the bone.
“……He was your father, wasn’t he?” I asked.
She didn’t respond, but her silence was enough.
After a little while, she said, “I really believed in my father’s music, you know? I thought it could change the world. Etsuko always seemed like she was having fun, and I thought my father’s music made her happy. I really thought that. But…in the end, my dad changed my world in ways that had nothing to do with music.”
As I listened to her speak, my eyes blurred with tears.
I’d been filled with doubt this whole time. Was the arrest of a musician you revered really enough to invalidate everything you loved about music?
But now I understood. Yuugo Ichihara wasn’t just a musician Nagoshi had admired. He was her father—someone she deeply respected, both as a human being and as a musician. And he had killed another person she cherished and ended up in prison.
Now that I’d listened to Stray Fish’s music, I could understand Nagoshi a lot better. She’d lived surrounded by that wonderful music. She must have really respected the people who made it.
Then one day, that music vanished. Her beloved father went to prison. A person she cherished vanished from the world forever… And all she had left was despair.
“This garage has been empty ever since. I used to only open it on the anniversary of Etsuko’s death, when I’d just sit on the chair and…think about what I could’ve done.” She spoke calmly, like it was all over and done with. “So I’m glad you came and played the drums. I’m sure you made Etsuko happy, too.”
“But…… I……”
“Hey, why are you crying?”
“Because…!”
“You’re so hopeless.” Nagoshi walked over to me and ruffled my hair with both hands. “Come on, why don’t you play some more? You guys are doing two songs, right? Misuzu told me. Let’s hear the other one.”
“I… I can’t.”
“Sure you can. Here.” She picked up the drumsticks that had fallen on the floor and shoved them into my hands. “If you care enough to cry, play for me instead.”
“……”
I wiped away my tears with the sleeve of my school uniform. And then, I began to play the drums. Tears blurred my vision, and it was hard to see. But I kept going.
Nagoshi returned to the sofa and sunk deep into the cushions. She put an elbow on the armrest and crossed one leg over the other, swinging it in time to the rhythm.
My heart was a total mess.
Everything I’d ever said to her now felt cheap and superficial.
She’d lost her father, a woman she admired, and her music. I now realized how cruel it had been of me to ask her to play again.
But as I watched her swaying to the rhythm, a satisfied look on her face, I couldn’t shake the feeling that she still loved music.
Everyone seemed to be struggling with something they couldn’t do anything about.
Nagoshi didn’t know how to deal with the love she still had for music, or how to wipe away her lingering despair.
Sousuke yearned to hear Nagoshi’s true feelings, and he knew music was the only way for her to express them. That she still refused to pick up the bass tore him up inside.
If Nagoshi stayed away from music forever, would she eventually be able to leave her anguish behind? Was that the best choice for her own happiness?
Like Sousuke had said…it seemed to me that she still had a deep attachment to music, and lingering regrets. Would denying that and pushing it away truly make her happy?
I didn’t know. I didn’t know anything.
No matter how much I thought about it and turned over the words in my mind, I couldn’t come up with any answers. So I just hit the drums with everything I had.
Nagoshi kept listening the whole time I played, seeming to enjoy it.