“Oh, welcome back.”
I arrived at Nagoshi’s house and opened up the garage to find her sitting on a barstool inside. She twirled around on it and waved at me.
I pointedly looked around the room.
“Oh,” she said. “If you’re looking for Andou, he already left.”
“…Oh,” I said, even though I already knew that.
“Where’s Misuzu?” she asked.
“She went home.”
“Hm. Well, I don’t blame her, with this rain.”
I set down my things and took my drum sticks out of my bag.
“So, you came back to practice, huh? Impressive.”
“Yep.”
“You’re a real trouper.”
“Well, I have the least experience out of everyone. So I need to practice the most,” I said, and then she fell silent and stared at me. “…What?” I gave her a puzzled look, and she smirked and shook her head.
“Just thinking how funny it is that Asada the bookworm is suddenly so enthusiastic about playing the drums.” She sounded truly mystified. “Andou pressured you into this, right? There’s no reason for you to work so hard.”
“I don’t wanna suck and ruin the performance.”
“What’s that got to do with you, though?” she asked.
I wasn’t sure what she was getting at. Obviously, I didn’t want to do a bad job and embarrass the whole band.
“He forced you into playing, and you’re still trying to do the best you can. Don’t you think you’re overdoing it?” she said with a chuckle.
I thought about that for a while.
It was true that Sousuke had sprung the whole band thing on me. But I’d improved thanks to Misuzu’s help, and the better I got at it, the more I enjoyed it.
But despite my progress, I still sucked. I had no confidence in my abilities, and I was desperate to get better… It upset me that I couldn’t get the sound I wanted out of the drums.
So then, why was I doing it?
I considered this deeply…and I immediately thought of Sousuke and Misuzu. And even though we hadn’t practiced together yet, I thought of Ai and Kaoru, too.
“I feel like I’ve found a new way to express myself,” I said. I saw Nagoshi’s eyebrow twitch. “Sousuke and Kaoru and I only became friends because we’re in the same class. We’re all in the same place, and yet we have totally different ways of looking at the world… That alone makes it fun to be around them, but…”
I paused for a moment to sort through my thoughts before continuing. “Playing with them in a band…doing something like that all together…helped me find a new way to communicate—a way to share something with others without talking. And I think I really like it.”
Nagoshi’s expression was unreadable as she listened. Then, she said “Hmph” and smiled a little sadly. “You’re…really something, you know that?” She narrowed her eyes sharply. “You’re so full of emotion and know all the right words to express yourself. I’m jealous.” She stood up from the stool and slowly walked over to me. “Can you get him to stop, though?”
“What do you mean?”
“You know. Can you get Andou to quit asking me to play the bass?”
I shook my head. “I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because that’s how he feels, and I can’t change that.”
“Well, it’s annoying.”
“I know. But there’s nothing I can do.”
“You said that if a member of your club was in trouble, you’d help them. Well, I’m in trouble right now.” She gave me her usual impassive smile.
But I couldn’t agree. “I can’t… After all, I’ve only heard how he feels.”
For a moment, I thought I saw fear cross her face.
“How are you in trouble right now, Nagoshi?” I asked. “Tell me.”
She gave me a self-deprecating smile. “You’re a pain sometimes, you know that?”
“Sousuke might be annoying you, but I can’t stop him. To me, it looks like you’re trying to keep your distance from him, because you don’t want to tell anyone how you feel.”
Suddenly, her expression got very cold. A chill shot through my stomach, and I felt a little scared.
She glared at me sharply, like she was looking straight through me. “You don’t have a care in the world, do you?” she said. It was clear that she was trying to hurt me. I gritted my teeth. “Talking about my feelings is exhausting. Why should I put in that kind of work for you or Andou? You think everything will be resolved if you just talk about your feelings. Well, life isn’t that simple.”
“I never said it was.”
“You think if you open up your heart to someone else, eventually they’ll do the same. But that’s because you’ve only come across kind people. I’m different. I’m not going to waste my time on you. Words are worthless to me,” she said, speaking quickly. Then, she took a deep breath and muttered, “They all eventually turn into lies.”
I saw a hint of sadness on her face when she said that. She’d been hiding that feeling away for a long time.
“I don’t need words,” she said, then smiled as if to cover up the emotions that had begun seeping out. “So please…tell him to stop.”
“If you don’t need words…then what about music?”
She froze.
“You used to speak through your music, didn’t you?”
Her gaze wavered, and then she snorted. “Stop talking like you know me. Music isn’t any different. Words, music—eventually you realize it’s all just lies.”
“You were talking to Kaoru about music on the roof. And I watched your body sway to the beat when I played the drums. Even if you’ve given up the bass, you haven’t given up music.”
“It’s just a way to kill time. I’m not obsessed with it.”
“But…”
“Ahhh, you’re such a pain!” She raised her voice and glared at me. “If you don’t tell Andou to stop, then you can’t practice here anymore!”
I fell silent. If she was going that far, I didn’t need to hold back anymore. “I was only practicing here because you let me. If that’s how you feel, then I won’t come back.”
I saw her gaze waver again.
“I want to cherish Sousuke’s feelings,” I continued. “That’s more important to me than this place.”
“But then, how will you practice?”
“I’ll figure something out.”
“You’ll figure something out…?”
It must’ve been an empty threat, because she seemed shaken that I’d called her bluff. Maybe she was just trying to make me back down.
Like I thought, she isn’t just being mean. She didn’t really want to take away my access to music.
“If Sousuke’s actions are bothering you, then you should tell him to stop yourself.”
She hung her head. “I already told him that a bunch of times.”
“Then you should keep telling him until he understands why it bothers you.”
“……”
“You must get it by now. Sousuke wants to hear you play so badly, he doesn’t care if you reject him. That’s how passionate he is. And that’s why he keeps confronting you.” I stood up a little straighter. “Please just give him a proper answer. He wants to know if you still love music or not. Telling him you won’t play isn’t enough.”
She started weakly shaking her head.
“Tell him how you feel. Please.” I bowed and heard her draw in a deep breath. Then, I straightened up and grabbed my bag. “Thanks for letting me borrow your garage.” I turned around to leave.
“But he has soccer!” she yelled.
Surprised, I turned around to face her.
“He has tons of friends and a great life at school. There’s a bunch of other things he could be doing, so why is he so concerned about me?”
For the first time, she seemed really flustered. I could tell she really didn’t understand. But I didn’t even have to think about it to know the answer.
“Because he loves the music you make, and he cares about you.”
Her eyes widened. Then, she gritted her teeth and ran past me.
“Nagoshi…?”
She yanked the garage shutter down violently and slowly turned back toward me. Her face was twisted with pain as she started unbuttoning her shirt.
“Wh-what are you doing?” I asked.
“Shut up and just watch,” she said firmly as she continued. I was relieved to see that she was wearing a black camisole underneath her shirt.
She shrugged off the outer layer and then started unwrapping the bandages on her left arm.
I already knew what lay beneath, but the idea of seeing it with my own eyes made my chest constrict with anxiety.
She silently peeled off the tape that secured her bandage and then took the whole thing off.
“Nagoshi!”
“……”
I was speechless. I wanted to look away, but I couldn’t. There were countless deep cuts etched into her upper arm. Some were completely scabbed over, but others were still red. Some were clearly very recent. There was bruising around some of the cuts and other places where her skin had turned a yellow-green color.
It looked incredibly painful.
“This is who I am,” she said.
“What do you mean…?” My mouth had gone dry, but I forced out the words.
She narrowed her eyes at me. “I mean I’m a piece of trash who can only feel alive when I hurt myself.”
“I…”
“It’s disgusting, isn’t it?”
“I didn’t say that…”
“But it is, isn’t it? Be honest.”
“No, I…”
“Say it. Say it!” she said sharply, accosting me.
“It’s…scary…!” My voice came out uneven.
I’d never seen so many cuts crammed so close together before. The sight of all those wounds on her skin sincerely frightened me. I didn’t know why she was showing them to me.
My entire body started to shake.
She sighed, then raised a hand to hide her cuts. “I’m sorry,” she said, bowing. “I’m sorry I showed you something so filthy.”
“No, I…”
“I scared you.”
“…Yeah, you did.” I nodded, and she reached out to tousle my hair.
“Turn around.”
I did as she said. I heard her sit down on the sofa, followed by the rustling noise of her re-wrapping the bandages around her arm.
“Now that you’ve seen something so horrifying, you won’t bother me anymore, will you?”
Finally, I understood why she’d done it.
“You did this to Sousuke too, didn’t you?” I asked, and she nodded.
“I didn’t just show him. I cut myself in front of him.”
I could feel goosebumps forming on my skin. Why?
“Why would you do that?!” I raised my voice. I could hear it shaking.
She answered me calmly. “Because I knew he wouldn’t back down otherwise.”
When I heard that, I understood. This wasn’t the first time she and Sousuke had clashed like this.
As she wrapped the bandages back around her arm, she started telling me about something that happened several months ago.