“You could tell how much she admired Yuugo Ichihara from the way she played,” Sousuke said bitterly as we ate. “I’d never heard anyone else get so close to his sound. She must’ve really respected his music.”
I glanced over at Misuzu. She was listening without comment.
“She was so good, though,” Sousuke continued. “If she’d kept playing, she would’ve become an amazing bassist. But then, Yuugo Ichihara got arrested and disappeared from the industry. And after that, she stopped playing.”
“Arrested?” I asked, surprised.
Misuzu, who sat across from me, nodded. “He killed someone. His own bandmate.”
“What…?!”
“They were arguing about the future of the band, and it got heated. He strangled them to death. It was all over the news for a while. I’m surprised you didn’t hear about it.”
“Well…I don’t really watch much TV.”
“I see.” Her expression didn’t change, but I saw a hint of sadness in her eyes.
“Yuugo Ichihara was a really talented musician,” said Sousuke. “It’s no wonder she was devastated by his arrest. But she didn’t have to quit over it and squander her own talent. She’s a total mess right now. She’s thrown everything away. It’s really sad.”
I could see the pain in Sousuke’s face. It was the first time I’d ever seen him like this, and I was a little bewildered. He was always so cheerful and carefree, but it seemed he hid his troubles well. I felt uneasy seeing him struggle so much with his emotions.
“I get what you’re saying, Sousuke,” Misuzu said with a sigh. “I’ve thought the same thing myself. But you know, she used to play right next to me—I could see how obsessed she was.” She paused, her voice hoarse. “If it was bad enough to make her stop, I think we have to understand how big an impact it must have had on her.”
There was a heavy weight behind her words. I thought about how it must feel to stop doing something you loved and thought you’d keep up forever—to make that kind of life-changing decision and never look back.
I couldn’t even imagine what it must’ve felt like. What if I decided to never read another book again? What would it take for me to get to that point? I couldn’t think of anything.
“She quit because it was too painful. She made a choice to protect her heart. We should just let her be,” Misuzu said, then took another bite of food.
But Sousuke was visibly trembling. “It’s because the people around her pretended to be adults and never pushed her to start playing again. That’s why things turned out this way,” he said, an accusatory tone in his voice.
Misuzu raised one eyebrow and looked up. “What’s that supposed to mean?” she said sharply.
Sousuke glared at her. “You watched her play bass all that time, right? Then, you must’ve seen the joy on her face when she played! Now all that joy is gone! She was happy, and so was everyone who listened to her! We don’t have her sound anymore. You must know how big a loss that is. So why?!”
He was giving into his anger, and Misuzu was getting dragged into the argument.
“That was her choice! No one has the right to disagree with her!”
“Who cares? Besides…” Sousuke paused to gather his thoughts, and when he spoke again, it sounded like he was releasing a heavy, suffocating lump from his throat. “…She’s still drawn to music, and you know it!”
Misuzu looked troubled, and I heard her breath catch.
“Ever since Yuzuru started playing drums in the garage, Nagoshi’s been different,” Sousuke continued. “The way she looks now reminds me of when she used to sway to the music at concerts. It’s like she’s coming back!”
“I can see it too, you know…!”
“That means she’s lying when she says she doesn’t wanna play anymore! I…I want her to pick up the bass again!” Sousuke looked like he was on the verge of tears. “If no one else is gonna say it, I will. I don’t care if she hates me for it. As long as she picks up the bass, it doesn’t matter if she never speaks to me again. I’m gonna go back over there and talk to her!”
“W-wait a minute!”
Sousuke slapped a 1,000 yen bill on the table and rushed out the door. Misuzu sighed deeply and pressed one hand to her temple.
“…A real fanboy is something else, huh?” she said jokingly, but I could tell by her tone that she was worn out.
We were sitting by the window, and I could see Sousuke outside, running down the sidewalk with his umbrella. He was heading back in the direction of Nagoshi’s place.
“Sousuke really loves music, huh?” I said. “I didn’t realize until recently.”
Misuzu smiled wryly. “Well, he got into it because of Risa.”
“Yeah, I know that part.”
“We needed people to show up for our band, so I invited him to one of our concerts, and he fell in love with Risa’s bass as soon as he heard it. That’s how captivating her music was.” Misuzu smiled fondly. “Sousuke sounded like a know-it-all when he talked about Yuugo Ichihara, but actually I was the one who told him Risa’s sound was similar, and that got him hooked on Ichihara, too. Those were the days…” She began to reminisce, a distant look in her eyes.
As I watched her, a certain question popped into my mind.
“What do you really think about all this?” I asked.
She glanced at me, her gaze wandering around uncertainly. Then, she slowly exhaled.
“I want to hear her play again, too,” she murmured, shaking her head. “Risa’s music… Well, once you hear it, you can’t forget it. I used to think it was like Yuugo Ichihara’s, but…now I’m not so sure.” She spoke slowly. Her eyes drifted over the table like she was searching for the right words. “She’s always been difficult to figure out, and she never liked to talk about herself. She used to laugh a lot, but I never really knew what she was thinking. She was just odd, you know? But she was incredibly talkative when she played the bass.”
“She was?”
“Through her sound, I mean,” Misuzu said with a chuckle. “You could always tell how she was feeling by listening to her music. It was like the sound was taking the place of her words. She was a very musical person.”
After she said that, her expression hardened. “But if I’m honest about how I feel—if I admit that I want to hear her play again—Sousuke will think I’m on his side. And I can’t do that.”
“You mean, you can’t do that to her?” I asked.
She nodded. “Sousuke doesn’t know what happened to her.”
I wasn’t sure what to say to that. Only those closest to Nagoshi at the time probably knew her real reasons for quitting.
“…But I get what Sousuke means,” she said.
“What?”
“…That Risa is still drawn to music.” Misuzu scratched her head. She looked conflicted. “Whenever she listens to you playing the drums, she seems happy.” Her voice seemed to fall onto the table and tumble to the ground. “I think she’s listening to your words—the ones that come out through the beat of your drums.”
Words within music… I wasn’t sure what that meant, but for some reason, what Misuzu said really struck me. Words weren’t limited to speech and writing.
“Ugh, now what am I supposed to do?” she said with another sigh. “Should I try to steer her back toward music, or leave her be and watch her wallow in despair? …I wonder if Sousuke went back to her house,” she muttered.
“Probably. I think so.”
“He’s such an idiot. She’s just going to be cold to him again…” Misuzu said, looking a little sad.
“Maybe. But I don’t think he’s an idiot,” I said quietly, and she looked at me in surprise. “He should keep trying to convey his feelings. He knows he’ll regret it if he doesn’t, and that’s why he’s being so stubborn about this.”
I was certain he already regretted it. He had probably failed to express himself the way he’d hoped when he met Nagoshi again at the soccer club. Even after she quit, he never stopped worrying about her.
He was battling against his own feelings of regret over not understanding her, and his inability to express what he felt. That was why he was so determined to get through to her, even now.
“If you have feelings that are important, sometimes you just have to confront them head-on. And if he’s fighting that hard, then I…” I thought of how he must feel, going up against Nagoshi again, and said, “I’ll keep telling him he’s right to do it, even if I’m the only one on his side.”
Misuzu’s eyes widened in surprise for a moment, and then her expression softened into a smile. “Ha-ha. I see…”
She laughed and nodded slightly. “You two are really close, huh? Yeah… I think you’ve got a point.” She sighed. “Everyone should do what they want.” She nodded over and over again, like she’d come to a big realization. Then, she looked at me intently. “I’ll leave it to Sousuke, then. If I go after him, I’ll just stand around awkwardly, unable to comfort either one of them.”
“…Yeah. I think you’re right.”
We nodded to each other and finished up our meals.
After that, we left the diner and parted ways, and I headed back to Nagoshi’s house. I wondered if Sousuke was still talking to her, or if they’d already finished their conversation. Either way, I wanted to speak to Nagoshi about what Sousuke had said.