Then, she pressed her head against my chest. “That’s fine with me,” she whispered.
“What?” My heart was racing so fast I was sure she could hear it.
“I don’t care if you can’t stop,” she said, slowly lifting her face. As I stared into her pleading eyes, all I could do was open and close my mouth helplessly.
Gradually, her face inched closer.
“N-no! We can’t!” I pushed her away again.
“Ahhh! You’re so mean!” she protested, flailing her arms and legs again.
But it was no use. I’d made up my mind not to give in.
“You’re the one being mean!” I said.
“Why?! I like you!”
“That doesn’t sound like ‘taking the time to understand each other’ to me.”
“I like you, so it’s fine!”
“If we’re going to kiss, we might as well start dating. And then, what was the point of any of this?!” I grabbed her by the shoulders and shouted. “I want to fall in love with you the right way this time, Ai!” She was at a loss for words. “I feel the same way. I’m pretty sure I like you, too. I want to kiss you, too. But if we get carried away and do that, we’ll end up skipping over all the important things.”
I liked her. The thought of kissing her made me happy, and I knew it would feel good. But if I indulged that desire, I was afraid I’d lose myself in it.
Maybe I was overthinking things. Maybe I should just go with the flow. But I had already ruined our relationship once by letting my emotions dictate my actions.
If we started dating without taking the time to align our values and truly understand each other, we might screw things up again to the point of no return, and I didn’t want that.
I pulled her head against my chest desperately. “Listen to my heart! Do you hear how fast it’s racing?!” My face was bright red.
She nodded. “Yeah…it’s beating really fast.”
“Now, imagine how it feels to turn down someone you like when they ask to kiss you.”
“S-sorry…” She stayed like that, finally seeming to calm down. “Yeah… Yeah, I’m sorry. I was just feeling a little lonely and ended up acting weird.”
“I’m sorry for making you feel that way.”
“No, it’s not your fault.” She shifted slightly in my arms and looked up at me. “I think I understand love more than I did in junior high,” she said, smiling faintly. “Before, being with you made me feel fulfilled and happy… But now…” She rested her head on my chest again. “It feels a little painful.”
Her words made my chest grow hot.
In junior high, Ai was like a goddess to me. Free and sparkling, she seemed to possess wisdom far out of my reach. Now, however…I saw her as just a regular girl.
I got the feeling I felt that way because we’d both grown and talked things out together.
“…It hurts for me, too,” I said, and she nodded.
“…I like you, Yuzuru.”
“I know.”
“I want you to like me, too.”
“I know. I already do.”
“I want us to be together. To hug and kiss.”
“I want that someday, too.”
She lifted her head and smiled. “I’ll just have to wait until then.”
“Yeah. I’ll wait, too.”
“Heh-heh. We’re all mixed up, aren’t we?”
“Tell me about it.”
She finally pulled away and sat back down on the other side of the table. “Well, I’ve finally refilled my Yuzuru tank!”
“What does that even mean?” I asked.
She giggled and drank her barley tea. Then, she flashed me a big smile. “Let’s do our best with the band, okay?”
“Yeah, let’s do our best.”
We laughed and chatted for a good while. We spent the time leisurely, but evening quickly crept up on us.
Eventually, I got a message from my mom saying it was time for dinner, and I decided to go home.
“See you later!” I called as I headed out the front door.
“Yeah, see ya.”
Ai saw me off, and I walked down the creaky stairs and away from the apartment building. When I turned around, I saw her leaning over the second-floor railing, waving.
I waved back and then turned toward home.
“Haah…” I let out a deep sigh.
I’d visited Ai’s house and caught a glimpse of her life. It was much more modest and lonelier than I’d imagined. She’d been acting a little differently today, too. She was always friendly and outgoing, but today she’d gone beyond that, leaning on me for comfort like a girlfriend would. Her behavior surprised me, but when I reflected on it after the fact, it felt natural.
Wanting to have the person you like all to yourself was a perfectly normal feeling.
I didn’t feel jealous when it came to Ai, but that was because she was always so clear and direct. It was obvious I was the only one she was romantically interested in.
But like Ai said, I had a lot of girls around me, one of whom had clearly expressed her interest. So telling Ai to be patient and wait things out was quite the ask.
Maybe deep down, I still thought of her as some kind of goddess. She was always quietly watching over me, giving me gentle advice when I needed it. She’d done the same thing even during the situation with Kaoru.
Seeing so many sides of her today made me realize once again that I still didn’t fully understand her. As I pondered this, my thoughts suddenly turned to Nagoshi.
We weren’t particularly close, but she’d let me use her garage and drum set without the slightest hesitation. She was always up for a lighthearted chat, but never revealed anything about her own thoughts. And yet, while we never had any deep conversations, she always moved her body to the beat of the drums.
She was the total opposite of Ai, who appeared to be completely open, but remained somehow elusive.
Despite, or perhaps because of those differences, I got the feeling that the two of them—Ai and Nagoshi—were somehow similar.