Why?
Why?
Why?
✦ ✦ ✦
A dam in my heart burst, and my emotions overflowed.
I couldn’t tell if I was making any decent sounds.
“Dammit, dammit, dammit!” I muttered, as if trying to swallow my emotions. But my hands didn’t stop playing. Music had been tormenting me all this time, so…
Why?
Why does it…
“…feel so satisfying?!”
✦ ✦ ✦
My vision blurred. My cheeks felt hot. I realized tears were streaming down my face.
The nameless emotions I’d bottled up inside were all flowing out at once, turning into music and tears.
Finally, I felt like I understood my father’s music.
It was made of this kind of confusion, anger, and sadness. He had no way to put those feelings into words, so he put it into his music.
I was sure he’d hoped to reach people suffering in the same way. But the moment he wished for that was the moment making music stopped being fun for him.
He anguished over how to take the outpourings of his heart and arrange them into something beautiful for other people.
And in the end, no one could truly empathize with his suffering. Even his own daughter had told him to die and turned her back on him.
“Ahhh…”
I wished I’d realized all this sooner. I felt pathetic, sad, and lonely. I was sorry, angry, and in pain.
“If you live your life, one day it’ll become music.”
I finally understood what he meant, but it was too late.
I played the bass with all my heart as I cried. And despite Andou’s lack of skill, he kept going by my side, accompanying my sound.
His awkward playing intertwined with the sound of my emotions. It was mismatched, but it felt intentional.
I’d written this song for my dad to play. In the end, that never happened, and I’d let it go.
Yet here I was, playing it again.
Andou came over to me on stage. He leaned forward like he was challenging me and clumsily strummed his guitar. He was crying…but there was a smile on his face.
“You’re a total idiot,” I said, smiling through my tears. I didn’t stop sobbing, and my voice trembled.
You’re an idiot. Did you want to hear my music so badly that it moved you to tears? I didn’t write this song for you.
Still, I kept playing the bass.
“Ha-ha… You’re an idiot,” I said again.
“Yeah. I’m an idiot. But that’s fine.”
The audience probably couldn’t hear us. Our instruments were too loud and drowned out our voices.
✦ ✦ ✦
“Finally, we’re able to talk.”
✦ ✦ ✦
Yes, I… I’ve been wanting to talk to someone for so long.
My words were different from everyone else’s… It had taken me far too long to realize that.
“Ah-ha… Ha-ha-ha!” I laughed through my tears as I continued playing. Andou kept going, too.
It was a terrible performance, hardly good enough for the festival after-party.
But for me, and for Andou, it felt like coming up for oxygen after a long dive. Like taking a deep breath of fresh air.
It was insanely satisfying, and we needed it to keep living.
Andou and I kept crashing our sounds together like idiots, conversing through our music, right up until the end.
✦ ✦ ✦
I felt as if I’d forgotten how to breathe.
The moment the two of them finished playing, I remembered and took a big gulp of air.
Applause shook the whole gym as I wiped away my tears.
I looked to my side and saw Ai staring blankly at the stage, tears streaming down her face, too.
Sousuke and Nagoshi went to the wings after their wild performance. It had felt like they were screaming.
Through her bass, Nagoshi had released emotions I couldn’t even name. I couldn’t say if it was anger or sadness, but I felt its intensity reverberate deep in my chest and stomach. And before I knew it, tears were flowing down my face and I couldn’t move.
I didn’t know why she’d gotten on stage. She must have spoken with Sousuke in a language only they could understand.
At first, it was like being hit by an incomprehensible flood of emotions. But in the end, they were playing their instruments happily, chatting like friends. Sousuke had managed to draw out Nagoshi’s words.
“That was an amazing performance,” said the emcee. His hoarse voice brought me back to reality. “I can’t quite describe it, but…it really moved me to tears! This isn’t the end, though! There’s still more to come!”
I took a deep breath and ran toward the door leading backstage. I threw it open and found Sousuke leaning against a wall, slumped over.
“Sousuke!”
✦ ✦ ✦
“Hey… Yuzuru…” He was sobbing uncontrollably.
“Sousuke, that was amazing! You did great!”
“Ha-ha… Thanks. Thanks, Yuzuru.” He smiled for a moment, but then his face crumpled, and he immediately burst into tears again.
I hugged him. I couldn’t stop myself.
“Yuzuru, I…”
“Yeah?”
“I finally…talked to Nagoshi…”
“I know… I’m so glad. I really am.” I meant every word.
He stayed true to his feelings and managed to reach Nagoshi. We’d seen the results on stage just now. He’d done something only he could do.
I kept patting him on the back until he could stand up on his own.
✦ ✦ ✦
“Risa!”
As I left the gym holding my bass, a loud voice called out to me. I rubbed my eyes and turned around.
It was Misuzu. Her face was a total mess.
“Ah, geez. Your makeup’s all smeared!”
“I’m so glad!” she shouted back. Then, her face squished up with emotion. “That was so good, Risa…” She stumbled over and clung to me.
I wrapped my arms around her back.
“I was terrible…,” I said. “I haven’t played for so long, it wasn’t any good.”
“You’re wrong. You were born to play, Risa,” Misuzu said with a sob. “I heard everything you said through your music…”
“Yeah. Sorry…I was quiet for so long.”
“Idiot, it’s okay. I’m the one who should apologize.”
“What for?”
“For letting you go silent!”
“It’s okay, that was my own decision.”
“But!”
“It’s fine,” I said firmly. I felt like there was something more important to tell her right now. I took a small breath, then spoke. These words were so simple even I could say them.
✦ ✦ ✦
“Thank you.”