“Hide, I’m … I’m sorry. My aunt didn’t know the magazines were yours and she threw them out …”
“What?”
“So I’m not sure what to do. I could buy you more, if that’s all right? I mean, if they’re still on sale. Are they? I’m sorry, I should’ve been more careful …”
“Hey, man …” Hide grabbed Kaneki by the shoulder. “Calm down! Just tell me what happened.”
He bit his lip. I can’t believe this is really happening, I can’t accept it. But I have to tell him.
“My aunt put all of my books out with the recycling.”
“What? All of them? What the hell?”
“Your magazines went too. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”
“Who cares about that right now?! What happened to your books, where are they?”
What can I even do? They’re not where I thought they might be. They’re never coming back.
“It’s too late.”
If I don’t tell him that I think that, Hide will go crazy with worry.
Kaneki desperately attempted to smile. Hide started to furiously run his fingers through his own hair. He turned and looked at Kaneki with passion in his eyes.
“Man, are you just going to take that?”
The feelings he had been trying to keep under control were suddenly unleashed by his friend’s very serious, very un-Hide-like stare.
No, I’m not going to take it. Because those books were important to me. And the ones I bought myself were good too. But I can’t lose my dad’s books. They let me remember him. They eased my solitude. Why did she have to do this? What have I ever done to her? It’s just too cruel—too, too cruel!
But Kaneki clamped his hands over his mouth.
In times like these his mother’s voice came to him. Telling him to be a person who is hurt, rather than one who hurts others.
“It’s all right.”
Kaneki smiled.
“I’m fine.”
As long as I live in this house, I just have to shut up and take it.
“Everything’s fine.”
But Kaneki rubbed his chin, as if his hand were unable to stop moving from anxiety. The gesture was reflected back to him in Hide’s eyes.
“Got it,” Hide said loudly, and nodded. Whether in acceptance or agreement with Kaneki’s words, it was a disproportionate response. He was trying to be strong to shake off Kaneki’s worries.
Before Kaneki understood what Hide meant by “Got it,” Hide had already walked past him. He turned and saw him walking into the Asaokas’ house.
“Hey! Hide!”
When he chased after him into the house, Hide was shouting. When Kaneki’s aunt came out into the hallway, Hide yelled, “Did you seriously throw away his books? Some of those were mine too!”
At that, Kaneki’s aunt looked upset. “Yours?”
“Yes! Really important stuff! And you actually threw it all away?!”
Hide shouted exaggeratedly, his eyes fixed on Kaneki’s aunt.
“Or can I catch it before they take it all away? Oh God, and the Yuu-chan’s Sandwich Party: ‘I’ll let you have some if you’re good’ special feature! No!”
Hide clasped his hands together like he was praying as he walked toward her. She didn’t seem to want to deal with this anymore. She took a glance at Kaneki, then said, “I don’t know.”
“Right, I’m gonna go look! Oh, and I guess you threw Kaneki’s books out by mistake, too, so I’ll get those too!”
“Do as you like,” she said uneasily, before grumbling her way back to the living room. Hide, full of adrenaline, pumped his fist in the air.
“All right, man, let’s go!”
And just like that he ran out of the house.
“H-Hide, where are you going?”
Kaneki trailed behind him, confused by all the latest developments.
“To find your books!” he screamed.
“My books?”
“Yeah!”
Hide’s facial expression all but shouted, Well, duh, presenting Kaneki with an option. It brought light to Kaneki’s heart when he’d started to think there was nothing to do but give up.
“B-but where?”
“I told you, didn’t I? How I cried when my favorite manga got thrown out?”
He told me that at the café. Not much of a story.
“Well, I studied up after that. So I know exactly where the books in this area go!”
Hide laughed confidently, then said, “C’mon, let’s go!” and started off. Kaneki followed after him, his hands balled up into fists, realizing that his voice had finally reached Hide after all.
“Oh, that house. Yes, I collected them. I remember because there were so many.”
When they went to the collection center and asked the staff, as soon as Kaneki said the address the trash collector knew where he meant. Kaneki and Hide turned to look at each other.
“So they are here!”
“Well, that is the thing, boys. You see, there are rather a lot of books here …”
It was true, there was a mountain of books behind him. Finding Kaneki’s books would be like finding the proverbial needle in the haystack.
“Kaneki, will you be able to tell?”
“I’ll take a look.”
Still, he looked hopeful that they might be there somewhere. Kaneki reached out to the mountain of books as if he were going to tackle it. Hide started looking too, for the magazines he’d lent Kaneki.
The next thing they knew, the sun had gone down and the first stars had started twinkling in the sky. Kaneki silently rolled up his sleeves and left the sweat on his brow alone—he had just found a women’s magazine that looked familiar buried under some books.
“This is …”
He pulled it out in a hurry, only to find that it was a bundle of magazines bound together with clear tape. The cover had the name of Hide’s favorite band on it.
“Hide! Magazines! The ones you lent me!”
“No way!”
Relieved that he could at least return the magazines to Hide, Kaneki held them out, but Hide didn’t even look. He began digging around where Kaneki had found them.
“Look, man, your magazines …”
“Who the hell cares? If those were here, then your books ought to be around here too!”
He was surprised, but when he looked at where Hide was digging, he started seeing familiar covers—a bundle of books by Osamu Dazai. And that wasn’t all. When he really started looking, lots of the books Hide dug out were Kaneki’s.
“I’ve always been good at treasure hunts!” Hide said proudly. He looked ecstatic.
“Thank you,” Kaneki said softly, overcome.
Hide crouched down to look Kaneki in the eye, then smiled.
“This one’s soaked! That bitch!”
With that word, Hide brought it all crashing back down. Kaneki bit his lip trying to keep his face from flushing. He nodded.
“You found lots! Quite a lot indeed. Hm, shall we give you a lift back?”
The staff member looked on in sympathy at the two boys, who were exhausted from their search. He decided to send two employees with them. Once the books were loaded into a truck’s bed, Kaneki and Hide got in the back too and lay down. They weren’t used to working that hard, and they hurt all over, but the vibrations as they drove were a comfort to their tired bodies.
“But what if she throws them out again?” said Kaneki timidly.
“Just tell her the staff said that they were all collector’s items that’ll be worth something in five or six years’ time! Might change her point of view if she thought there was money in it.”
“But why five or six years’ time?”
Hide put his arms behind his head.
“Because then we’ll be adults. And when we’re adults we can do whatever we want. Listen, Kaneki. Are you gonna go to college?”
“Oh, um, yeah.”
“So when you go to college you can finally live on your own!”
Hide was full of good thoughts.
“On my own …”
“That’s right! And we can hang out as much as we want! And finally have girls over!”
“Man, I don’t have a girlfriend. And neither do you!”
“Idiot, I’m telling you what college life is gonna be like! All you have to do to get girls is go to college!”
“Unbelievably wrong.”
But Hide’s great expectations could not be stopped by a little comment like that.
“Even you might find a pretty girl who likes books!”
“W-whaaat?”
I can’t keep up with Hide’s positivity, but in the bottom of my heart I always thought there was a little light in the darkness. I thought I was gonna be locked away in my aunt’s house forever, all freedom taken away. But I’m getting older, and soon I’ll be able to stand on my own two feet.
“It’s gonna be great!”
The carefree smile on Hide’s face brought out a hint of a smile from Kaneki. When I live by myself I can finally have somewhere to belong.
“Where do you wanna live? Because I was thinking …” Hide asked, his train of thought still rolling ahead. Kaneki listened to him talk, as he looked up at the stars.
It wasn’t long before they pulled up in front of the Asaoka house. The two staffers yelled out to Kaneki’s aunt.
“A child who treasures books this much will grow up to be a fine man! Take good care of him.”
This was uncomfortable advice for her to hear. She was not the kind of woman to listen to what others had to say. But after that, she never again interfered with Kaneki’s things, perhaps thinking that anything to do with Kaneki wasn’t very important at all. It was easier for Kaneki to deal with indifference, and he became a little more defiant.
Maybe this is how people actually grow up, how they change. How they become free.
Things are hard now, sure, but one day I’ll escape from here.
This spark of hope became his driving force.
“Oh, Rize, your blood type’s AB?! Me too!”
And then, from one cage to another—