When a person is kind, that’s enough to make them happy, my mother once said.
The loud buzz of his alarm clock hit his ears. He silenced it right away and got out of bed quickly. The morning light came in through the gap in the curtains, but the house was quiet. Nobody else seemed to be awake yet. He took a deep breath and went to the bathroom to wash his face and brush his teeth. When he got back to his room, he sighed with relief at the fact that he hadn’t run into anyone.
Ken Kaneki was a high school sophomore. And he’d been living in the Asaokas’ house—his aunt’s house—for a few years now. But something about the atmosphere of the house did not allow him to feel at ease. And maybe this’ll go on for the rest of my life.
He put on his school uniform, took his favorite book off the shelf and put it in his schoolbag. Suddenly he heard the house coming to life. It sounded like his aunt was awake. He heard her starting to make breakfast and yelling at the others to get up, and Kaneki left his room.
It was still a bit early to go to school, but the building would be open. As he crept quietly through the kitchen so as not to draw attention to himself, Kaneki saw his aunt. She’d arranged three place settings on the table. One for her, one for his uncle, and one for their son, Yuichi. Nothing for him. He didn’t belong there.
He made it through the kitchen and paused by the door to put on his shoes. He felt desperate to get out of the house.
“Just how long are you going to sleep, really?”
Unfortunately his aunt came out into the hallway to complain. She looked around and saw him there.
Unlike Kaneki, who froze up, his aunt turned away in a huff and disappeared back into the kitchen, still shouting for her son. Kaneki pursed his lips and left the house, his shoes not yet laced up.
Kaneki had lost his father when he was four. And then his mother passed away when he was ten. Since then, he’d been living with his aunt, his mother’s sister.
I don’t belong there.
It was easier to believe that he himself was the cause of this searing pain he felt.
When he got to school nobody else was in the classroom yet, and he felt very free. He cracked a window, took out the pastry that he’d bought on the way, and started reading the book he had brought from home. The book was one that he’d seen his father reading long ago. His late father had loved reading, and many of the books on the shelves in Kaneki’s room had belonged to him and now took their place as mementos.
He had no idea how much time went by. All he knew was that a gust of wind came in through the window he’d opened, flipping the pages of the book he was reading. When he looked up, he realized that his classmates were all around him, chatting away. Everybody came in and I didn’t notice. Kaneki felt strangely oppressed in the happy, buzzy atmosphere. He looked up at the clock on the wall. It was almost time for class to start. His breathing quickened.
“Kaneki! Hey, Kaneki!”
The voice was cheerful. He looked up and saw Hideyoshi Nagachika, his eternally happy friend. Unlike Kaneki, who could often be found reading quietly on his own, Hide was the happy-go-lucky, outgoing, irrepressible type. Backpack slung on his shoulders, he headed toward Kaneki, clutching a magazine in one hand.
“What’s up?”
“What do you mean, ‘what’s up’? My favorite band’s new album is finally coming out over here this weekend! I can’t calm down!”
“Oh. They’re from overseas, then?”
He slapped the magazine down on Kaneki’s desk with a bang. It was a women’s fashion magazine, one which most men would think twice about picking up. Kaneki was confused for a moment, but then he saw that there was a feature about Hide’s favorite band.
“Look!” he said, opening the magazine and sticking it in front of Kaneki’s eyes, so close it was nearly touching his nose.
“All right, calm down …”
Kaneki took the magazine from Hide and leaned back to take another look. This article’s a lot shorter than I imagined. Hide doesn’t look like the kind to care much about details, but he’s so passionate he collects little fragments of information like this.
“Oh, and there’s a really cute model in the spread about sandwich parties on the page before that one.”
“Never let it be said you don’t check every detail … Wait, what’s a sandwich party?”
He smirked.
“Anyway,” Hide continued, “I’m gonna go out and get it on the release date. I’m thinking I’ll find it somewhere in the 20th Ward.”
“What, nobody’s selling it around here?”
“Nobody that’s got the special posters and stuff! If I’m gonna buy it I gotta get the merch too. So, how about it? You coming with me?”
“Sure,” Kaneki said. Being at home on the weekends is exhausting. After the cold reception he’d received that morning, Hide’s invitation was very welcome.
“Did something happen, dude?”
Hide was surprised by Kaneki’s quick response.
“No …”
“All right. I just thought …”
Hide tilted his head, looking into Kaneki’s eyes. Feeling uncomfortable, Kaneki rubbed his jaw and said, “It’s nothing.”
“Right. Well, not long till the weekend. You better study up!”
He pulled a few more magazines out of his bag to go along with the one on Kaneki’s desk.
“Wait, that’s too much, man!”
Unfortunately, just then, their teacher came in. Kaneki looked at the clock—it was time for class. She didn’t seem to have noticed him talking with Hide.
Suddenly a sentence came to Kaneki’s mind. It was from “I Heard It in This Way,” an essay by Osamu Dazai.
One needs no more proof that a man is not lonely than that he does not read.
When he had read that he’d felt, quite apart from whatever intention Dazai had when he wrote it, that Dazai had uncovered the reason why Kaneki read, and it shook him to his core. And the more he thought about how quickly the time passed when he talked to Hide, the more meaningful Dazai’s words became.
But the knowledge and experience that books gave him were the fuel that kept Kaneki going. And that made them irreplaceable friends too.
For now I have to read these magazines by the end of the week, Kaneki thought as he listened to his teacher speak.
When school was over, Hide dragged him into a fast food place, because he said there was still so much about this band he wanted to talk about. But Hide only talked about music for a little while; the rest was just random stuff. As they talked the sun went down, and Kaneki got back to the Asaokas’ house much later than usual.
Talking to Hide had given him some distraction, but as soon as he got home his tension returned. He gave himself a few light pats to the chest to calm himself down before opening the door. He could hear the television on in the living room. Probably my aunt. He walked quickly to get to his room while her attention was elsewhere. But then the refrigerator in the kitchen caught his eye, and Kaneki stopped dead in his tracks.
That refrigerator was purchased with my mother’s money.
He remembered how ceaselessly his mother had worked. And the reason she’d had to do it was for his aunt’s family. She was always bothering mom about money for one thing or another.
That was not all. When his aunt’s husband had gotten into debt and quit his job, his mother had taken on the burden for some reason and had to work more and more. She worked herself to death.
When I was a kid I thought my aunt must really be having a hard time, but now I’m not so sure what the reality was.
She lives in this two-story house. There’s a big TV in the living room, with a huge white sofa and tons of plants. And that big, beautiful refrigerator is full of food. She kept begging my mom for money, but she was living better than we were.
A thick fog spread through his heart, one which would not dissipate.
He took a deep breath and tried to push the feelings away.
Mom always told me it was better to be the kind of person who gets hurt than the kind of person who hurts others. She told me that when a person is kind that’s enough to make them happy. No matter what life threw at her she always met it with a smile.
Kaneki had a deep respect for his mother. He wanted to treasure the words she had left with him. Trying to nip those negative feelings in the bud, he decided to ignore those emotions. He raised his head high.
Standing before him was his aunt.
He was so surprised that his heart skipped a beat. Instinctively he took a step backward.
He couldn’t hear the sound of the television anymore. She said she had decided to take a bath, and when she left the living room she saw Kaneki standing there. Overwhelmed by the urge to run away but unable to just ignore his aunt and leave, he was desperately scrambling for a topic of conversation when the weight of his schoolbag reminded him of Hide.
“Oh, uh, I’m going to hang out with Nagachika this weekend …” he said, mustering his courage. But as soon as he finished his sentence, his aunt turned and walked away.
“Oh.” The sound escaped from his half-opened lips.
She turned around. “You know, when you’re telling me things I couldn’t care less about, you look just like my sister,” she spat out, looking at him as if he were garbage. Then she turned and went into the bathroom. Kaneki’s bag slipped from his shoulder and fell with a thud to the floor. His heart felt like it was going to break.