She turned over and looked up to find Touka there. She had fallen asleep on her, using her knee as a pillow.
“Big sister?”
Touka’s eyes were closed, and she was slumped back on the sofa. From her regular breathing, it was clear that she was asleep too.
When she took another look, she saw a biology textbook lying in Touka’s hand. I guess she was studying while I was asleep.
“Mmm …” muttered Touka quietly. I guess she’s waking up because I moved. Reflexively, Hinami pretended to still be asleep.
“Wha … Oh God, I fell asleep . …”
Touka stretched a little and adjusted the blanket covering Hinami. Then she picked up her book and started flipping through it.
Hinami opened her eyes a sliver and stole a glance at Touka.
“Oh, I have so much to remember …” she murmured, sounding fed up, but she didn’t put down the book. Touka squinted and furrowed her brow, trying hard to understand what she was reading. Does she always look like this when she studies?
It was hard for Hinami to keep pretending she was asleep because she wanted to talk to Touka. I want to tell her about the scary dream I just had.
But Touka kept reading until, suddenly, she looked up at the ceiling as if she’d just remembered something, and sighed.
Hinami couldn’t really see her face from where she was lying. Just as she wondered what was going on, Hinami heard Touka talking to herself quietly.
“Damnit, Kaneki …”
Her voice was tinged with both anger and sorrow.
She muttered those words, then silently stood and picked up Hinami in her arms. Then she carried Hinami to bed, said, “Good night,” and left.
Hinami lay there quietly until she was sure Touka had gone.
Then she slowly got out of bed. The door was closed. The light in the living room was off, and Touka had apparently gone back to her room.
“Touka? Big sister?” she said, so quietly it could not be heard. Hinami closed her eyes tightly, hoping to forget. But the voice was burned in her mind, and it kept coming back to her again and again.
Touka tried so hard to be cheerful in front of Hinami, but her pain still came through.
She hadn’t forgotten Kaneki at all. She thought about him nearly every day, but she kept the pain to herself and never let it show on the outside. But still, she finds things that she needs to do for herself, and it’s a slow journey she’s learning from.
As she thought about Touka, Hinami realized something. Or rather, she felt an inkling about something.
“I’m getting in her way …”
Touka had never thought of Hinami as an annoyance, and Hinami had never suspected that she had. She believed in Touka. She knew that they would always be together.
But I’m tying her down.
She never neglects me to focus on her studies. And no matter how much she needs to study, no matter how busy she is with school, she always gives me precedence, sacrificing herself for me.
And it’s always been like this. Once Kaneki disappeared she was consumed by such deep sadness, but still she always tucks me into bed at night.
Looking back now, Hinami remembered how Touka always worried about her whenever she remembered Kaneki and felt sad, pushing down her own sadness.
It’s because she thinks I need to be protected. It makes me so happy I could cry, but it hurts with every breath because I’m crying.
Just like my mother, who protected me at the cost of her own life, Touka does all she can to support me—even pushing down her own feelings. I can’t do anything for her. I’m just baggage. Hinami clenched her shirt in her fists and bit her lip.
“Big brother …”
If he’d just come back this feeling would all go away in a second. And Touka wouldn’t have to call out so sadly.
But in the end, that’s just waiting in vain for someone else to save me.
Hinami remembered how Kaneki had looked as he said goodbye to Touka after the battle with Aogiri. Lonely. I wonder if he’s still fighting even now. I wonder if that gentle, book-loving boy is out there shedding blood, gouging through flesh, and taking someone’s life away. If he’ll ever be able to find his way back home.
And then, with nowhere to turn back to, where would he go on his own?
“No, it can’t be …”
She remembered the dream she’d just had, and how he hadn’t heard her calling to him. How he’d disappeared into the darkness alone.
She let go of her shirt and brought her hands together so firmly that she thought her fingertips might break.
My hands are much smaller and weaker than Touka’s and Kaneki’s. And I know I can’t do much with them. But living here, in a safe place where I’m taken care of and can have a comfortable life, my voice can’t reach anyone. That’s how it stands.
Hinami thought for a moment.
If someone can’t hear you, you need to go closer. If your words don’t reach them, you grab their hand.
And when Kaneki is alone and lost, there’s something I want to tell him. That he’ll always have a way home, and somewhere to return to. That I’ll get lost with him, because I don’t want him to be alone.
Maybe being with him would hurt me, but the pain of being protected eventually makes one spoiled and corrupted.
I want to tell Kaneki, dressed in his lonely armor, that there are people nearby who care about him. I want to tell him that Touka is waiting for him to come back.
Because I know, more than anyone else, that nobody can go through life on their own.
“I want to protect them too—big brother and big sister!”