“This can’t be real.”
—we came to a vast blanket of innumerable crimson thistles. Beautiful, yet hellish. It was here I’d slain that unsightly beast. It was also the very same spot where we’d crash-landed into this dimension and found an abandoned dungeon whose history none in Remlia could recount.
“Mr. Gaslark—!” Machina called out to someone as she rolled away, leaving me frozen in place, dumbfounded at the sight before us.
“Ohhh, you came.” A small figure waved from within the ocean of red blossoms. At around a hundred twenty centimeters, he stood about as tall as Machina. The hood of his cape completely hid his face from view, but I caught glimpses of thin, green arms and legs beneath the fabric. It was way too late in the game for a little green skin to throw me off guard, but I didn’t see that every day. Actually, I had a pretty good guess I knew who he might be. Following after Machina, I approached the hooded figure.
“Mr. Souya, Mr. Gaslark represents the people who came to my rescue.”
“Gaslark Oz Melphorjuna Ghazuzuosm Oggeumuzeus,” the green creature introduced himself. Sliding off his hood, he revealed a perfectly bald head, pointy ears, and the long, hooked nose of—a goblin. He looked exactly like the kind that starred at the top of every RPG’s weakest monster list, except for one crucial distinguishing feature: the undeniable intelligence that shone through his eyes and expressions. He felt somehow familiar, so I greeted him without much added formality.
“Souya, the Otherworlder. Thank you for kindly coming to my partner’s aid. It’s not much, but we’ve coming bearing a few gifts to show our appreciation.”
“Machina spoke naught but truth. Verily, thou holdest no prejudices toward other races, dost thou? Might that be because thou hailst from another world? Even so, I imagine most races would find it natural to discriminate against those of differing appearances, would thou not agree? But seeing thou dost not have such beliefs, that must imply thy parents, or perhaps thy master, taught thee exceptionally well, or that thou hailst from a magnanimous land. In any event, allow me to extend a warm welcome to the domain we small-statured goblins claim. Treat us as equals, and we shall return the favor.”
I hadn’t been looking down on him or anything, but he was clearly an upright, noble representative of his people. “Pardon the question, but by any chance, did you and your kin plant these flowers?” I asked, using the first chance I got to address my most burning question.
“Yeah, dude.” “Yeah, dude”? “Look, talking all formal like that gets old quick, so let’s just speak casually. Y’all are cool to do the same.”
“Uh, great. Thanks.” He’s a total bro! Where did we ever get the impression that goblins were mean-spirited, slimy, sneaky gremlins?
“Those are crimson mortalis. The other night we heard this crazy bang, bang, bang pounding above our home. And the next day, we find out someone had made a huuuge mess of our lands. People are cold, man.”
Immediately, I dropped to my knees in dogeza. Shit, these flowers hurt! Suck it up!
“That was my fault! I’m so sorry! I had no idea anyone lived below the ground!!”
“Yeah, I know.” You knew?! “I mean, I don’t really know what kinda of trouble you above-grounders get into, but it sounded like you were really goin’ for it, so. No hard feelings.”
“Th-thank you so much.” Damn, so forgiving. Is it really safe for goblins to be so easygoing?
“The ground was wicked contaminated for sure, but it’s nothin’ we can’t purify. You’re good.”
“You can do that?!” Wait, goblins knew how to exorcise curses? But I’d heard there was basically no way to lift them. “Can I ask you—?” I started to ask the friendly imp another question, when—
“Get away from my brother, goblin!”
—out of nowhere, Éa showed up, interrupting our conversation at the most frustrating moment. An arrow nocked on her readied bow pointed straight at the forehead of the little green man—who stood next to her brother lying prostrate on the ground.
I get how bad this looks, but why did she have to show up now?
“Éa, calm down.”
“Are you okay?! Did he do anything to you?!”
“I’m fine; just listen to me!”
“Goblins are a nasty race that snatch people and violate them until they die! Step away!”
“Hey, elf.” Ah, shit. He’s pissed. And you do not want to get on the bad side of creatures on the more intelligent end of the spectrum. “Tell me, are your folk so twisted that they get off raping pigs and horses?”
“What did you say?!” Éa’s emotions had clearly passed its boiling point.
“To us, elves and heims look like nothing but boars and mares. Only perverts get their rocks off looking at livestock.”
“Excuuuse me?! That literally makes no sense!” was my little sister’s Valley-girl retort.
The green dude made a good point. If humans didn’t find goblins attractive, then it wouldn’t make sense for goblins to be into humans. Like Gaslark said, only real weirdos would break that mold.
“All right, elf, riddle me this: Can you honestly tell me you’ve got friends or relatives who have been sexually assaulted by one of us?”
“Yeah, a friend of a friend!” Right, that’s definitely a lie. It was probably just gossip fabricated to titillate or a story spun to bad-mouth someone. I could imagine the beauty-obsessed elves did not look too kindly on goblins to begin with.
“Éa, just put your bow down, or I’m seriously gonna get mad.”
“No. Way. In. Hell!” Once Éa’s temper flared, she wouldn’t listen to anyone. It’d been that way for ages.
……Huh? Ages?
“Wait, rewind. Otherworlder, why’s she calling you ‘brother’?” the goblin asked. Yeah, I’d be curious, too.
“This is my little sister.”
“A heim? With an elven sister?”
“Mr. Souya’s wife is an elf!” Machina helpfully added.
“Dude, are you insane?”
“Eyes on me, goblin!” Éa barked as soon as she wasn’t in the spotlight. Even with an arrow pointed straight at him, the little green guy didn’t so much as flinch.
“Éa, I’m telling you that’s enou—” She’d gone too far. Just as I was about to restrain her, my blood ran cold, paralyzing me. A frigid gust blew through the crimson blossoms.
“Our sovereign has arrived.” As soon as the goblin spoke, a black whirlwind spun tightly together and coalesced into a human figure—a skeleton draped in a black cape. It had the bone structure of a shorter heim and blue fire smoldering in its eye sockets. A necklace of triangular golden shards hung from its neck, each fragment a piece from the remains of a shattered royal crown—the mark of one who had slain a king.