Chapter 9

Looking back… That day, the morning and afternoon went as normal, but then came the evening. When you’re walking on the sidewalk, you don’t expect there to suddenly be a big pothole, so you don’t even look at the ground. All of a sudden, you trip and land flat on your face. Your mind is totally blank; you can’t process what just happened. It was like that. In retrospect, both me and her only took our first steps that day. I didn’t like weekends, because after finishing up the house chores, I didn’t know what to do with the rest of the day. On regular weekdays, between the chores and school, I’d have no time left for myself, which I kinda hated. But when I did have the time, I had no idea how to use it. Going shopping? Nah, there was barely anything in my wallet. Going to hang out somewhere? Nah, I was feeling too lazy. How did my friends spend the weekends? Probably watching TV—which I couldn’t do, because I could hear my mother and her friend chatting animatedly in the living room, and I didn’t want to be around them. So I sat in my room with my legs stretched out in front of me, doing nothing. And how did my peer spend her precious days off school? Studying, as always. Maybe I should follow her example and crack open a textbook, too? Ha-ha, not a chance. It was almost July, and the weather was getting hotter and even more humid. As I sat there, listening to the sound of the rotating fan, ripples kept forming in my consciousness, as if raindrops kept dripping onto the surface of otherwise still water. Another summer of my life had begun, but it was different than before. It might be the only summer when someone else would be sitting in my room with me. The last summer with her… Well, obviously. Mizuike was going to move out before the next year, right? Or was she not? I actually wasn’t sure. My feelings were like an inflamed wound, hurting when touched. I didn’t want to dissect them. Bottling your emotions was perfectly normal for a high schooler—I’d learned that through interactions with my friends. We were all hiding our true feelings. You needed to do that to get along with people. But what if just getting along wasn’t what you wanted? What if you met someone you wanted to go further with? What then? Would shoving my aching heart in someone’s face make me an obnoxious person? “…” I had nothing to do besides daydream and watch Mizuike study. It was difficult to fill an entire day with only that. Maybe not impossible, but… I stared at Mizuike, who was checking something on her phone. “What do you think weekends are for?” She twitched when I spoke to her, which I’d done just because I didn’t like her looking at her phone. “Doing whatever you like?” she said. “I don’t really have anything I want to do, though.” If I were her, I’d snap back, “Then go find something and stop bothering me.” I didn’t really care whether I got an answer out of her or not; I just wanted her to leave that phone, since it was getting on my nerves a little. Okay, more than a little. “Then rest?” she said after some thought. “Hmm.” I supposed I could do that. I was a bit drowsy, so I might fall asleep if I lay down. I unrolled the futon I had folded up that morning, then placed the covers on it. “I’m going to nap,” I announced, getting into bed. I curled up like a grub and shut my eyes. “Night.” “Night…” Mizuike’s voice caressed the back of my head. I was kind of glad I was facing away from her. I was agonizing over what to do after getting a shockingly low score on a test when I remembered it was supposed to be the weekend. I woke up, silently moaning over how hot it was. My throat was parched, and my forehead was sweaty, but maybe it wasn’t from the heat. Maybe it was that stressful dream. I had no idea what time it might be, and everything before I’d fallen asleep was still hazy, so I just lay for a while with my eyes open, waiting for the fog to clear from my mind. That’s when I noticed Mizuike’s hips. “…” They were covered by her shirt, so I could only see the slight roundness of their outline, but that was enough to have an effect on me. Mizuike wasn’t aware I was watching her, so I was staring to my heart’s content. She was wearing hot pants with an oversize shirt. Her bottom was quite small. It was in no way a provocative sight, and yet my mouth was dry. I burrowed deeper under my covers, my eyes on her. That was all I was doing—watching. We were sharing a room, so of course I got plenty of opportunities to look at Mizuike, although I couldn’t look at her directly most of the time. Something always made me immediately turn away. I had seen other girls getting changed, and it never bothered me, but in Mizuike’s case… Was she not just “some other girl”? Then what was she? What was she to me? I tried to write it out in my head, but the characters were too hazy to be legible. What was she becoming to me? “Oh, you woke up.” She noticed me out of the corner of her eye. I quickly glanced away from her butt, down at my feet, and I realized I’d accidentally stretched out my legs. “I was on your half. Sorry.” I must have turned in my sleep, invading a large portion of Mizuike’s designated territory with my legs. She looked down at them. “It’s totally okay,” she said politely. Was she just being polite? “You really are nice, huh?” I said. She cocked her head at me in disbelief. “I’m really not,” she said matter-of-factly after a moment’s thought. Given that, and the fact that she was always studying, maybe she really did have a dead-serious personality? “Besides,” she added, “it’s your room.” “Yeah, well.” When I got up, Mizuike flicked the rotation switch on the fan. She must have had it off when I’d been sleeping so it wouldn’t blow on me. Was that…because it could dry your skin? I could barely remember something like that. If she’d really stopped the fan from turning because of that, then that meant she’d done something nice for me. I had to look down, distracting myself by smoothing my hair, to hide the sparkle of shy happiness in my eyes. After we stopped talking, Mizuike picked up her phone again. She’d been checking it often since the day before, as if she was waiting for a message. She put it back down without saying anything. Was she impatient for the person she’d been seeing to call her out again? That week, she hadn’t been out at night even once. Again, I was experiencing emotions I couldn’t quite understand, feeling reassured, then anxious. My emotional roller coaster was so bad, it was as if I had a second, previously dormant heart that had woken up to flood me with feelings. I couldn’t get any peace of mind, whether awake or asleep. Something was constantly burning inside me. After checking the time, I decided to try striking up a conversation. “What do you do at school?” “What do you mean?” “During breaks and stuff.” “Dunno. Space out?” “Ah…” The conversation was fizzling already. I had to keep it going somehow. Breaks… Lunch… Oh. “Why don’t we have lunch together next time?” That was about as ambitious as I could get. “You want to have lunch…with me?” Her eyes widened, which made me suspect she was remembering the nasty rumors about her. If people saw me eating lunch together with Mizuike, my reputation at school would take a hit. A major hit, even. I had to consider that, and I did. And I decided I didn’t care. “Yeah. With you.” I wasn’t going to insist beyond that. Mizuike looked down, thinking. After a brief pause, she nodded slightly. “Okay.” “Oh…” I had to swallow down an eruption of happy words, but I giggled with my mouth closed. My heart was drumming a cheerful march to match my feelings, and joy pulsated in my veins. “By the way, what’s your favorite thing to have for lunch?” “Meat.” “You have simple taste!” She bared her teeth and roared like a lion, making me laugh. I felt like I’d gotten a step closer to her, and I wanted to keep closing the gap between us. Thoughts about getting away from her or having her move out were all in the past for me. I’d done a full one-eighty, and I was okay with that. All was well while the sun was up. But then the evening came. I wasn’t suspecting there’d be anything out of the ordinary about that evening. My sense of time wasn’t the same as Mizuike’s, though. I was relaxed for once, but then I looked over at her, sitting next to me with her knees drawn up, and she wasn’t only checking her phone; she was typing something. Her movements were hesitant, like she wasn’t used to phones. The screen lit up her face. Her eyes were focused, and the expression on her face was that of a child mesmerized by something beautiful. Dark clouds gathered in my heart. She’d never look at me like that. With me, she was always so impassive, indifferent, like she couldn’t care less. How could there be that much emotion inside her, aimed at someone else? I felt like I was suffocating. If she’d only look at me like that once, I’d probably die of euphoria. “Oh…” The flash of joy that suddenly lit up Mizuike’s face might have been the thing that had set me down my path. As I felt that joy, the emotion inside me wasn’t hurt. It made my blood boil. Mizuike’s joy had been ushered in by the sound of a new message. “I’ll be going out.” She went to get her makeup accessories, looking like she was on cloud nine. It was just my guess, but…had she initiated the meetup this time? The possibility was upsetting. Stress, anxiety, and probably jealousy clouded my vision. The ceiling and the walls were spinning. “Hey…” I spoke loudly. I was trying to be as casual as usual, but I was clenching my fists harder than ever. Mizuike stopped, surprised. “Yeah?” I looked up at her, all impatient and raring to go. And I said it. “Wouldn’t it be better if you…didn’t go?” I wanted to encroach on the territory I had given her and just grab her shoulders. My legs had still been on her half since my nap, trembling slightly, but I wasn’t pulling them back. “What?” she asked, confused. “Where are you going?” I pressed, ignoring her. Mizuike sighed. “Do I have to tell you?” She didn’t. She had no obligation to tell me, but there was no reason for her not to tell me. Having realized why it bugged me so much where she was going, I wasn’t willing to just let it go. “You know there are bad rumors about you at school.” She looked away from me, annoyed I was badgering her. “No, I don’t know anything about that.” “I’m sure they’re just lies told by mean-spirited people.” “Then what does it matter? Sorry, but I’m in a rush.” Her tone grew increasingly hostile, ringing alarm bells in my ears, but I was past the point of no return. “You’re doing something bad, aren’t you?” I stared into her eyes. She clicked her tongue in annoyance. “Yeah, not that it’s any of your business.” I crouched down with my hands on the floor, sticking my head out toward Mizuike like a pointer dog that had noticed prey. “You should stop. It’s wrong.” “You don’t have to tell me that.” “You don’t really think that, or you wouldn’t still be doing it!” “What’s it to you? Get off my back!” she snapped back angrily. Weirdly, I was kind of touched to witness her anger. So she could feel anger and joy like any normal person. What hurt was that only the first one was directed toward me.