“You’re going to get yourself in trouble. Besides…you don’t want to do this, do you?” I kept talking at her, but I ran out of things to say, and I started to worry she might storm out on me. I had to stall her while staying in character. “I’m worried about you because you’re a friend.” That was a lie, of course, almost a blatant one. I didn’t have a hint of protective instinct in my heart. I just didn’t want her to leave. I sensed that when she returned, she might not be the same Mizuike I knew. I’d be thinking about it all night long. My head might explode. Argh, why was I so fixated on her?! Maybe I’d already lost my mind. Mizuike was standing still, facing toward the door. Should I wrap my arms around her from behind to stop her? No, that’d be weird; it wasn’t like she and I were…were what? “You’re right, Hoshi,” she suddenly said in a cold voice, like she was part of the night world already. “But how would that help me?” I was at a loss for how to answer that sharp question. What could I give Mizuike? I was only seventeen; I was embarrassed and in denial. I couldn’t tell her. “If there’s no reason to stop, I’m not gonna stop.” Her shadow grew longer. She picked up her wallet, dropped the makeup bag, and stormed out of the room. I heard her mom’s nonchalant voice: “Going out?” Mizuike didn’t reply. Probably in too much of a rush to bother. “Maybe I should’ve given her a tonfa,” Mizuike’s mom said to herself. Without thinking, I had come out of my room, too. Mizuike’s mom was lying down on the floor of the living room. Our eyes met. She flailed her arms dramatically as if she was doing some performance. “Wait! Take this before you—! Oh, and here’s the other girl.” “Hey,” I said, “did she already…?” “She was out that door before I could blink. Been a while since she ignored me like that.” The woman jumped up to her feet. Her face and shoulders were incredibly slender. She looked so fragile, I’d worry about breaking her if I touched her. I could see Mizuike in her. “You can still catch her if you hurry. You’re bigger than her, so you can do it.” “Huh? C-catch her…?” I’d rushed out of the room as if I was going after Mizuike, after all. I’d thought her mom was totally oblivious to what was going on, but she must’ve heard us talking loudly—she’d been right behind a thin wall. I’d never thought she’d recklessly egg me on. “Your legs are longer. You can outrun her,” she added cheerfully. What a weird woman… I took a few deep breaths. It was only then that I realized my mom must have gone out. “Go, girl, what are you waiting for? Put those feelings into action!” Mizuike’s mom appeared calm and gentle, as if panicking or getting upset was alien to her. She wouldn’t stop her daughter from going out. Of course she wouldn’t try to stop me from chasing after her, either. She pointed toward my room. I had left the door wide open. “She forgot her phone. You can probably use it to find out where she’s going.” I turned around, and sure enough, Mizuike’s phone was on the futon. She’d thrown it when we were arguing. But…looking at another person’s messages on their phone? There were some things I could worry about later, but I still had a shred of morality left. My moral compass was tuned somewhere in between dine and dash being okay and murder being not okay. I could check Mizuike’s phone like her mother said, but that wouldn’t be right. Besides, I knew from Shiina that Mizuike had been hanging out at night by the train station. “No… I don’t need to. I know where she went, I think.” “That makes it easier! Go then!” Mizuike’s mom had no doubt I’d chase after her daughter, but was that what I wanted to do? …I guess so. I turned back, ran into my room, and grabbed my wallet. “Please lock up after me!” “Bye!” Mizuike’s mom called back lightly, waving her hand flutteringly. Nothing about her inspired confidence. I ran out the door, dashed down the stairs two steps at a time, and sprinted down the road. I could feel my pulse in my wrists. When was the last time I’d felt so desperate for something, I didn’t mind wearing myself out? I didn’t plan out the shortest way to the station, but I didn’t hesitate on which road to take, either. My feet knew where to go, following input from my eyes as if it were bypassing my brain completely. My senses felt sharp—so sharp that the rest of my being seemed to fade away. It was probably the first time I was absolutely determined to achieve something. I didn’t slow down even when I banged my elbow on the wall in a narrow passage or when my hair snagged on something. I was sure I was going to catch up to Mizuike even if she took the main road, running at full speed. The meandering back alleys were my world—I’d lived my whole life slinking around. “Oh no… I forgot my phone…” After getting on the train, I realized I had nothing with me besides my wallet. It wasn’t that I’d forgotten to take the phone; I just hadn’t had time to pack my things properly because of Hoshi hassling me. Anyway, I wasn’t going back to get it. I looked around the car. The train was speeding through the peaceful nightscape. If something happened and there was a change in plans, or if Ms. Chiki simply decided not to bother seeing me, I wouldn’t know. I’d just stand there waiting for her outside the station like an idiot. I had nothing else to do anyway, so I could totally see myself standing around there all night. “No… That’s not quite right…” It wouldn’t be because I had nothing else to do, but because I didn’t want to do anything besides spend time with Ms. Chiki. I loved her so much. I laughed silently, without moving any parts of my face. It’d been weird earlier, when Hoshi had called me a friend. I wasn’t used to it. She was a friend; there was no financial dependence involved between us, and she was worried about me. And I’d run away from her…because I missed someone who was buying me like a product. “I’m hopeless…” I looked at my free hand. My fingers were shaking slightly. I slowly bent them. For the first time, I had told Ms. Chiki I wanted to see her. I couldn’t help it. I wanted to meet her, see her, hear her, touch her, feel her, lose myself in her, be surrounded by that lovely scent of flowers. I felt myself drifting away when I thought about her, like I was falling into a dream. I put my hand on the windowpane. It was like touching the night outside. It was cool on my skin, and it made me feel self-conscious of my own moodiness. “…” The things Hoshi said to me had actually left me pretty depressed. Her words hadn’t hurt, but it was like they’d sucked the life out of me. Earlier, whenever someone was criticizing me, I’d nod and agree without taking anything to heart, just to shut them up. Maybe Hoshi had gotten under my skin because it was like she was casting what I had going with Ms. Chiki not as a relationship but as a wrong thing to do. Lately, something had changed inside me, and I wanted to keep it that way. It was hard preserving myself as myself. Hmm, maybe it wasn’t the first time, actually. I thought about the moment I’d met Ms. Chiki. I’d been depressed that day, too, having rejected someone and not really knowing what to do from then on. But Ms. Chiki had made me forget all about it. She’d been my savior the past half year. If I ended up alone again, I’d be back to square one. I got off the train and walked up the stairs, toward the ticket gates. Most of the people I was passing by were office workers on their way home. They were heading back, while I was heading out. Maybe it was just me, but many of the tired faces around seemed more than just tired but also kind of peaceful and relaxed. Something around their eyes. To many people, going home was something to look forward to. I wondered what emotions would be written on my face when I was making the journey. After leaving the station, I went over to stand under the nearest big pillar. It was our usual meeting point. Sometimes, I might meet her somewhere else, depending on which hotel we were going to, but without my phone, I wouldn’t know if she’d messaged me about changing the meetup spot that night. I was in no danger, but I was filled with fear that she might not come. If she got bored of me, that’d probably be the end. That was the sort of relationship we had. Getting too attached to Ms. Chiki was a recipe for heartbreak. I couldn’t check the time, so I didn’t know how long I waited, but I noticed two distinctive shifts in the type of people heading to the station. Giving up and going back wasn’t an option. “Sorry I’m a bit late!” The person whose slave I’d become ran up to me. My ears ached when I heard her voice, but I didn’t let it show. I lifted my head to look at Ms. Chiki and maybe complain, but when I saw her, I forgot all about it. “You’re wearing…” Ms. Chiki was wearing a yukata in a… What was the name for this color? Some shade of pale blue. Normally, she wore her hair down, but she’d done it up and even stuck some fancy-shmancy ornaments into it. With that outfit, she had a very different vibe. She was always ladylike, but it gave her an extra dose of…refinement? I couldn’t take my eyes off her. Ms. Chiki was normally like moonlight, but now she was glowing with the full brightness of the sun… What was I even saying? Anyway, for a moment, I almost forgot the reason I was down in the dumps. “Surprised? I didn’t have time to change after visiting Hino.” “Who’s that?” “Oopsie.” She covered her mouth with her hand. It wasn’t like her to let anything about her life slip. She quickly changed the topic. “Umi, do you know how to remove a yukata?” “No, of course not.” Her teasing question made me laugh a little in a hoarse, uncertain voice. “Are you okay, Umi?” “I’m sorry… I didn’t realize you were so busy.” She was so vibrant in that special-occasion outfit, I was overwhelmed. She definitely hadn’t been planning on seeing me that day. “Busy or not, I’m happy to see you anytime!” “…Ha-ha.” She was just being nice, but I didn’t mind. Probably because I was already in the dumps. My spirits had nowhere lower to sink. At least things could only go up from there. “Hmm… You look different today,” Ms. Chiki said, peering closely at my face. I had left the house without my usual preparations, dressed in my house clothes. Ms. Chiki might be embarrassed to be seen with me like that. I should be happy I got to meet with her, but I wished I could just disappear. “Um…I didn’t put makeup on. I’m sorry.” “That’s not what I meant.” If only she’d take me to a hotel already and do whatever she wanted with me. Then I wouldn’t have to think. “Can we go already?” I was desperately impatient to stop thinking as soon as possible. “Nuh-uh!” “What…?” Ms. Chiki pulled me to a stop and looked around hurriedly. “This way!” she said, pulling me along with her. I wondered why she had said we weren’t going when she seemed in a rush to get us somewhere. “Ms. Chiki…?” “You forgot what I told you, it seems. It’s no fun for me to sleep with a girl if she’s not even mentally present.” I was pulled along like a kite by Ms. Chiki. Her back was unfamiliar in the yukata. My head was shaking with each step, blurring my vision. Like she’d said, I wasn’t mentally present. “It is fun to get a detached girl into the mood, though,” Ms. Chiki added, flashing her white teeth at me. I was embarrassed. She nudged me, and I just rolled my eyes. “Did something happen?” she asked in her usual calm voice, without turning to look at me. “Huh?” “Something must have happened for you to say you wanted to see me.” “…” She misunderstood me. I’d sent her that message before the thing that crushed me had happened. The two weren’t related. I wasn’t my usual self that day, really. I had to give Ms. Chiki some credit for noticing I was feeling blue, though. “Am I that easy to read?” “Maybe not for others. You’re the quiet type, after all.” Ms. Chiki flashed her white teeth at me again. “I get to observe a whole range of emotions in you up close and personal, though, so I’d say I can read you well.” Her confidence and peculiar way of talking were drawing me in. The outfit and hairstyle she was wearing that day presented her in a new light. It was like a…fresh version of Ms. Chiki? A brand-new version? This new flavor of Ms. Chiki was making me feel…something I didn’t know how to describe well. I didn’t know enough about anything. On the surface, Ms. Chiki was just chatting nicely with me, but when I realized where she was looking and noticed the lust in her eyes, I couldn’t help letting out a deep sigh. Somehow, I felt like with that sigh, I also let out all the emotions I’d been holding back. “Good,” Ms. Chiki said, smiling. “Huh?” “Never mind. Now tell me, what would you like to eat?” So she was taking me out for a meal? I had been letting her lead me somewhere without suspecting it’d be a restaurant. Being with her was the important part, not where she took me. “I…already had dinner. Something light?” “Okay! Let’s go check out that new ramen place over there.” Had she not even heard what I’d said? On the train, she was staring out the window, into the night. And I—I was staring at her. After running out in pursuit, I’d seen her at the station. I’d gotten on a different carriage of the same train to keep following her. I had no doubt what I was doing wasn’t right. That put me in the same club as her, didn’t it? After getting off the train, Mizuike waited a long time outside the station. The person who turned up to meet her wasn’t anything like I’d expected. I’d been thinking a lot about what this Chiki was like. I imagined it might be her boyfriend, or a client paying her to see him, or some total repulsive sleazebag. I had no idea what I’d do if I saw someone like that walk up to Mizuike. Would I dash to her side to put an end to her relationship? I’d only end up confusing everyone. But could I stand to do nothing? I was working myself up into anxiety even before laying my eyes on the person. Then she came—a beautiful lady in a yukata. Not just beautiful, but very beautiful, stunning. As for her age, she seemed a little older than me and Mizuike. I couldn’t hear what they were saying from where I was standing, but I saw the lady take Mizuike by the hand to lead her somewhere. At first, Mizuike seemed upset, but after a while, she smiled and looked more relaxed. I waited, hidden, for them to pass me by. It was the same smile that had made me so obsessed with Mizuike. I’d finally found out who could bring it out of her. That lady must have been Chiki. What was she to Mizuike? Not a friend, that much I could tell. I could almost see the vibe between them in color. Or did I just have an overactive imagination? Chiki—the name of the person she loved. But what kind of love was it? What was I even getting at? What sorts of love were there to choose from? I followed some distance behind Mizuike and Chiki. My legs and heart were driving me forward even as my brain couldn’t come up with a clear reason to do so. My behavior was embarrassing; I knew it. My cheeks were burning with shame. But… But. I kept saying “but” because I didn’t want to stop what was driving me, wrong as it was. The taste in my mouth was becoming increasingly bitter. Tailing them was easy—Mizuike was paying no attention to anything besides the pretty lady in the yukata. The rest of the world might as well not exist. They walked down a gently sloping road and went into a ramen shop. When they disappeared inside, melting into the light coming from within, I thought, What the hell? Was the dinner I had served not enough for Mizuike? Weird thing to get upset about, all things considered, but it really got on my nerves. The ramen shop was on the first floor. It had a yellow awning. From what I could see, it wasn’t a big place, so I couldn’t go in without getting noticed. I’d have to wait outside while the two of them enjoyed a restaurant meal. How’s that for making me feel pitiful? I rubbed my forearms, taking my eyes off the ramen place for a moment. It was the first time I was out and about in the city this late at night. I’d never left my hometown before. I didn’t like it and had been dreaming about leaving it someday. That night, I’d just gotten on the train and traveled outside my territory on the spur of the moment. “It’s not a big deal after all…” It really was so easy. The day had been so hot, but at night, the heat suddenly dissipated, leaving behind just the humidity to give the night air a misty feel. I leaned back against a wall and looked up at the city sky I’d longed to see. “…” It was the same night sky I could see from home. Sometimes, the things we dream about don’t live up to our expectations. Everyone at the ramen shop turned to look at the unusually dressed customer. Ms. Chiki’s fragrance didn’t go with the smells of the restaurant. The rich aroma of miso was never meant to blend with the scent of flowers. Ms. Chiki’s outfit wasn’t what you’d normally wear to a ramen place, since it’d be a pain to clean it if it got dirty. The fact that she was holding a petite girl by her hand was one more reason she was attracting attention. It made people wonder what our story was. “Don’t we look kinda suspicious?” “No, why?” Ms. Chiki sat down at a table and started reading the menu, completely nonchalant. The menu had yellow stains from oil on it, but that didn’t seem to put her off. She glanced at me and smiled. “If anyone asks, let’s tell them we’re sisters.” Sisters? Me and Ms. Chiki? “You think we look alike?” “Siblings don’t always resemble each other.” “…If we don’t even look alike, no one will buy it.” “Hmm.” Ms. Chiki’s eyes glazed over. Maybe she was thinking about what to order, or there was something else on her mind. “Then let’s tell them we’re lovers.” It was just a joke, but I didn’t like it. It gave me a numb feeling at the base of my tongue. “It’s not far from the truth,” Ms. Chiki added. “It’s so far, the two things are on entirely different continents.” But it’d be better than being sisters… No, what was I even comparing? Ms. Chiki ordered two of the most popular styles of miso ramen. I put my hand on my stomach, wondering if I’d have space for a whole bowl of ramen. Feeling my skin through the fabric of my shirt, I remembered Hoshi. And the thing with her. What was it all about? Sharing a room with a girl my age wasn’t what I was used to. It was the first time, actually. It was hard for me to understand how to deal with it. One of my hands was making me think of Hoshi, while the other was feeling warm. “What are you doing?” I asked Ms. Chiki. She’d been holding my hand the entire time, and after ordering the food, she lifted it up to her face and started staring at it. “You’re not hurt this time.” She let go, relieved. Once my hand was free, I looked at it, too. It had been a long time since I’d peeled off the bandages Ms. Chiki had put on me. There wasn’t a scratch on my slender fingers. The warmth of Ms. Chiki’s hand lingered. Reflexively, I closed my hand into a fist, like I could hold on to the warmth. “Will you tell me what happened?” Ms. Chiki asked, looking into my eyes. I thought I might as well explain before she started to read the whole thing from my face. Maybe she’d only come out to see me because she was worried something bad had happened to me. “Something bad happened earlier… I guess I…had a fight with someone.” “With who?” “Someone from the house I’m living at right now…” “Hmm…” Should I have specified it had only been an argument? Maybe it wasn’t necessary. But Hoshi didn’t have bad intentions. She was just…worried about me. She had been being nice, so why had I shouted at her? I normally got into arguments with people who were mean to me. Maybe I had a short fuse. It was my fault, really, that it’d ended up in a fight. I should probably apologize when I got back. But what for? Would Ms. Chiki be able to advise me if I explained everything to her? When I was quiet, busy with my own thoughts, Ms. Chiki didn’t bother me. I looked over at her to check if she was getting impatient, but she was just sitting there, waiting for her ramen. When she noticed, she slowly turned to face me directly. “Hmm? What is it, sweetie?” “Nothing, sorry…” I thought she’d comment on what I’d said earlier or ask me more questions, but she wasn’t doing any of that. Suddenly, I felt awkward. She must have sensed it, because she added, “You piqued my curiosity, but you should only talk if you want to.” She’d hear me out if I wanted to open up to her. I wasn’t the type to run into someone’s open arms just because I could, though. I’d have preferred it if she told me to fess up, but then again, she wasn’t the type to do that, either. She didn’t want to force anything on me. Ever since we’d met, she’d always encouraged me to be more spontaneous with her. But you can’t learn to be spontaneous, can you? It all boiled down to the fact that I had zero idea what was going on in Ms. Chiki’s head, but then again, it was because she never talked to me about herself. Not that I talked about myself with her. “My roommate told me to stop meeting you.” “Really?” Ms. Chiki seemed amused by that. “She doesn’t know it’s you I’m seeing… She probably has some wild ideas, but anyway, she thinks it’s immoral and I have to stop.” “Wild ideas? Sounds like she’s right on point there.” Ms. Chiki laughed, touching her fingertips to her lips. She really seemed to think this was hilarious. “We do engage in some pretty immoral activities.” “You could say that…” She was paying me for sex, after all. But for me, it was no longer just about that. At some point, I’d stopped coming to see her because of the money. But Ms. Chiki’s attitude toward me was apparently the same as it had always been. “Your roomie’s advice isn’t bad. Is she young?” I nodded. “Same age as me.” I didn’t want to add we went to the same school. Not that it mattered, probably. Ms. Chiki straightened the sleeves of her yukata. She kept smiling. Why did she enjoy hearing about this? “So you’re sharing a room with another girl. Is it fun?” “Fun? No, not really.” She wasn’t asking because she was interested in me and maybe a bit jealous of Hoshi, was she? No, of course not. Wishful thinking. “Will you stop seeing me, then?” That question snapped me right out of my daydream. I looked up sharply, as if someone had pinched the skin of my forehead and pulled me up. Ms. Chiki was smiling as softly as before. “Is that why you were so down? Your roomie made you realize we were doing something bad?” I had to fight to not show anything on my face. The last thing I wanted was for Ms. Chiki to see panic in my eyes. “Nah,” I muttered quietly. “I knew this was wrong from the start anyway.” “But isn’t it unpleasant to have others point it out to you?” Yeah, kind of. It made me feel guilty and anxious. I wasn’t bold enough to keep on doing what I knew was wrong without giving a damn about what anyone said. “Doesn’t really bother me.” “No? Great, so we can keep meeting each other!” was Ms. Chiki’s carefree conclusion. She seemed genuinely happy, but maybe I was only seeing what I wanted to see. “Um, yeah…” Yes, yes, yes! If I were a dog, I’d be rubbing against her legs, wagging my tail. I wondered if Ms. Chiki would like me being as open with my feelings as a dog. Maybe that’d kill her interest. “But I don’t want to mess up your relationship with her. She sounds like such a good girl,” Ms. Chiki said. “Um…I guess.” Hoshi wasn’t the first roommate to give me shit, but she was the first to be angry about something like this. No one had ever talked to me the way she did. She’d even called me a friend. Me, an uninvited addition to her household. It took a big heart to not hate me. She seemed honest, and while we didn’t talk much, I got the impression she was friendly. “I think she and I could be friends,” I admitted. It wasn’t something I was used to considering. It’d been a while since the last time I’d thought I had a friend. Maybe Hoshi was the only person I’d ever known who I didn’t suspect might turn out to be two-faced. Ms. Chiki was a good person, too, of course, but she… She was nice, but suspicious. I had my doubts about her motivations, but somehow, I trusted her completely. I probably would have to just live with that contradiction for a while. “Wow!” Ms. Chiki might have sounded a little annoyed, or maybe disinterested. Or maybe that was my own wishful thinking. Since meeting her and falling in love with her, I’d gotten to enjoy her undeserved interest in me, which spoiled me into thinking she might actually care about me. The two bowls of ramen arrived, and the server set them on our table. Ms. Chiki looked out of place in this ramen joint, but somehow, she was so picture-perfect with her ramen in front of her. Beautiful people changed the vibe around them to suit them. That skill was just unfair. My eyes were drawn to the corn kernels swimming in the miso broth. Their vibrant yellow reminded me of Hoshi’s bright hair color. “Why don’t you ever order me to do things, Ms. Chiki?” I did like how she could make me do things out of my own will, but it seemed like such a roundabout way to get me to do what she wanted. Ms. Chiki moved her bowl slightly, adjusting herself in her seat. She gave me a quizzical look. “You want me to give you orders?” “No, of course not… I was just wondering…” She totally could do it, because she was the buyer. Ms. Chiki smiled, watching the steam rise from her ramen. “Well, let’s try it. Prepare for orders!” “Okay.” “Pick up your chopsticks.” “Okay.” I did as she said. Ms. Chiki split hers and held them, ready to dig in. “Let’s eat!” She blew on the steaming noodles, slurping them up. My lower lip started trembling. For some reason, relief made me tearful. Afterward, I couldn’t remember what that ramen tasted like. The only thing that stayed in my memory was the warmth. “Well, that was my dinner. I was starving.” “At least you’re not anymore,” I replied, feeling so heavy that it was making my voice deeper. I’d grown up never leaving any leftovers—it wasn’t an option—so I’d finished the ramen, but it was painful. I might’ve left some of the soup, actually. The air outside the restaurant was even more humidly hot. No refreshing breeze I’d been hoping for. But maybe I was feeling so hot because my stomach was full, which was a sensation I didn’t experience often. It was making me a bit spacey. I noticed Ms. Chiki was watching me. “Yes?” “It’s nothing.” She stroked my hair gently. Normally, if someone casually touched me out of nowhere, it made my skin crawl, but it wasn’t like that with Ms. Chiki. My own reaction caught me off guard. “Will you stay with me tonight? I won’t do anything pervy this time. Maybe. No promises.” “No promises, huh… But I’ll stay with you if you’re offering.” I didn’t have the energy to go back and potentially be hassled by Hoshi again. “Great. Let’s go, then.” She stopped stroking my hair. The shadow of her hand passed over my face, but its darkness was different from the night. We walked back to the station the way we’d come, which meant we had to go up the sloping road. We passed by many groups of young people talking animatedly. Their voices were bouncing between them, and off the streetlights and us as we walked by. The night sky stretching above us and the temperature difference made me shudder a little. “You see lots of students coming back from their last lectures at this hour.” “Uh…you do?” “There’s a university nearby. It’s a college town.” “I see…” I wondered if by day, Ms. Chiki was also part of a group of students like the ones we saw. There was something about her that made me think she was a college student. Not like I personally knew any college students, though, so maybe that impression was off the mark. Walking next to her, I was very aware she was bigger than me. I was short for my age, sure, but Ms. Chiki was big even by normal standards. I glanced sideways at her, and my gaze fell to her— Well, she was big there, too. Look. The point is, she was taller than me. People who had money probably developed more because of their better diet. “Aha! Caught you looking at my boobs.” “No, I wasn’t.” It was almost annoying how nothing ever got past Ms. Chiki. When I’d pointed it out earlier, she’d said in my case, it was because she’d been observing me closely. I bet she’d just been poking fun at me for being super easy to read, but I was secretly happy to hear she’d been watching me and paying attention. “Why just look when you can touch?” “I said I wasn’t.” “It’s okay, sweetie. Grope away. They’re all yours.” “What if I really did that now?” “You’re absolutely welcome to.” She smiled confidently. I could never be like her. “What sort of house do you live in?” I asked her. Normally, I wouldn’t dig into any of her personal business. It was hard, because there were so many things I wanted to know about her, but I managed to keep my mouth shut. She was also careful not to ask me prying questions. I’ll blame this breach of our unwritten rules on the unusual outfit she wore that day. “What do you think?” she asked back with amusement, as I’d kind of expected. On a different day, I would’ve given up and changed the topic. “Um… Er…” I stared at her, at what she was wearing. On her feet were setta sandals that matched her yukata. “Calligraphy scrolls displayed on the walls?” “Calligraphy scrolls? Ah, yes. Not in my room, though.” “And expensive-looking decorative jars?” “We have one in the hallway. It looks expensive, but I’m not actually sure how much it’s worth.” Watching her bend a finger for every correct guess, I got this airy feeling in my chest. Not in an empty, drafty way… It was more like a fresh breeze entering through an open window. “I…can’t think of anything else.” “Your idea of rich people’s interior decor is a little boring.” “Well, I don’t have any rich friends.” Except her, although I was only just now certain she was rich. Ms. Chiki interlaced her fingers behind her back and walked with a bounce in her step, like she was excited. “We have our own little sanctuary under the house.” “What…? For real?” I was so surprised, I stopped walking. Ms. Chiki was giggling like she’d told a joke. But maybe that meant…I could ask more questions? “What’s a…sanctuary?” Did rich people bury facilities under their homes? Wasn’t that a church thing? Did she have a whole church under her house? Weird, but it sounded like the sort of thing billionaires might have. So Ms. Chiki was from a very rich family. She lived in a big house, probably with a massive garden and all sorts of expensive things inside. Families like that were strict, weren’t they? A lonely picture was forming in my mind. “You’re from a wealthy family… If they found out…wouldn’t it be a problem?” I’d almost said, “Wouldn’t they be mad at you?” “Hmm.” Ms. Chiki thought about it for a moment. “They might beat me up.” “B-beat you up…?” I nearly tripped over my feet from shock. “A punch to my stomach, then another to my face. Whack! Bam!” She mimed the motions with her fists. They were chillingly accurate, like she’d experienced it in the past. I imagined the punches leaving marks on her body, coloring her with pain. Just the thought filled me with bottomless rage. “If they find out,” I said, “you have to run away before they hurt you. You have to.” “Umi? Are you okay?” She stopped punching the air and turned to take a better look at me, alerted by the tension in my voice. I was too worked up to stop. “Your family’s your business, and I don’t care if they’d be outraged, but…I don’t want anyone to hit you.” I couldn’t bear to think about someone so beautiful, someone who made me feel hot passion in my heart, being treated that way. Maybe Ms. Chiki was only sleeping with high schoolers for a similar reason. “I see… I’ll run away like you said, if it comes to that. Thanks.” “Why are you thanking me…?” I didn’t know what to make of it. Ms. Chiki bent her knees a little to level her eyes with mine. And then her lips curved upward like a crescent moon. I stood there, completely thrown by this boyish smile, when she embraced me. “Mm… Mm…” She made little noises of enjoyment as she cuddled me, stroking my back. With her being taller, she had to lean over me. I smelled her floral perfume and also caught a slight whiff of the ramen we’d eaten earlier. The embrace was unexpected, but I relaxed into it more easily than when we did this without clothes on. I melted into it, but without losing myself completely—we were still in public. I closed my eyes and let Ms. Chiki hold me until she was satisfied. I felt as if I were floating in the air. With each slow beat of my pulse, a warm sensation was spreading through my belly. After a while, Ms. Chiki had enough. She moved away, the sleeves of her yukata rustling. We went past an empty parking lot and turned into an alley with a karaoke bar on the corner. The road was gently sloping up. Light from windows rose higher and higher. We were heading into an area with taller buildings. The more buildings, the less bustle. Around midway through the alley, there was a small staircase leading down. Ms. Chiki went down the steps, and I followed after her. We arrived in a park that was built slightly lower than the surrounding street level. Right past the entrance was a teeny sandbox, with a swing painted yellow on each side. The center of the park was occupied by a slide that must’ve been for toddlers, because an adult could probably touch the ground with their feet if they sat straddling it. That was it for playground equipment. At the far end, there was a very low blue bench with a tall backrest; it was under a massive tree that was taller than the surrounding buildings. For a playground, it was very compact. The view from the swings was a series of identical apartment blocks. Ms. Chiki stopped in front of the sandbox. “It’s still here. Aw, this takes me back.” She smiled a little, her memories overlapping with what she was seeing. I stood beside her, watching. She was offering me a rare glimpse into her private life. “You used to come here often?” I asked. “Hmm? Um…” She was getting evasive again and didn’t give me a real reply. She didn’t want to talk about herself, even with me. Even with me. I wanted to shout, “Why?!” “Maybe to you, I’m just nobody,” I said, letting my hurt feelings break free. “But I won’t betray you.” She’d probably never considered the possibility of me betraying her anyway, because what could I do? “I’d like it if you…trusted me…a bit more…,” I said in a tearful voice. Pathetic. I was just going to wreck Ms. Chiki’s evening. I wasn’t quite sure if she’d picked up on that, though. “You’re not a nobody.” “Ms. Chi— Eep!” She had suddenly put her hand on my chest. “You’re a girl like none other in the whole world.” “Ms. Chiki…” Her words were romantic, but she was still holding my boob. I didn’t want to say anything, waiting for her to continue, but her fingers were moving—she really was groping me. She was going to get herself arrested if she kept that up. She didn’t seem to be worried about that, though, smiling casually. “Umi.” “Um…” “Let me tell you something.” “If you want to talk to me seriously, can you let go?” “Hmm…” What was she mulling over? And why wouldn’t she stop moving her fingers while she mulled? She wasn’t taking me seriously at all. Maybe I should just look into the distance and ignore her, but we were in a public place… All those thoughts began to fade away, though, as it became impossible for me to ignore what her fingers were doing. My body was reacting to them. “You said you weren’t going to do anything pervy tonight…” My pulse was booming in my ears, and my breathing was becoming irregular and strained. “Let’s talk about your boobs, then.” “What about them?” “For a girl your height, you have very big boobs. I was happy about that as soon as I met you.” “…Sorry, but this is sexual harassment. Like, a textbook example.” If only my height had increased in line with the growth of my breasts. I had a bit of a complex about it, but then again, my diet was a totally random mess. I hadn’t even liked having big breasts until Ms. Chiki had praised them. “It feels like they’ve gotten even bigger.” “Meh. Good for you, I guess…” “You must be having a growth spurt.” She was grinning. I wished she wasn’t staring at my face like she was waiting for something to happen. “Maybe you could let go now? Please…” Why did I have to beg for her to stop groping me? My head was throbbing from all the excitement. Ms. Chiki must’ve had enough of fondling me, because she listened for once. She released me and gave a little apologetic wave, grinning so wide that her teeth shone like her hair in the light of the streetlights. “There, sorry. But did you get what I meant?” She was just saying she liked my boobs, wasn’t she? It stopped me from getting tearful, at least. “Was there some deeper meaning?” “That you are so very cute, Umi.” “Well, thanks.” I was sure that wasn’t it. Somehow, I ended up feeling like I’d been played for a fool, and after that, I couldn’t go back to what we’d been talking about earlier, about wanting her to trust me more. Was that Ms. Chiki’s intention, or had she just suddenly wanted to feel my boobs? In any case, I’d lost and had to give up. Maybe you can learn from defeat, but you still get nothing out of it. Ms. Chiki was ready to leave the park. “Ms. Chiki… I need to talk to you.” She stopped midstep and twirled on her right foot to face me again. “Shoot.” “It may take a while.” “Hmm, okay…” She swiftly walked over to the bench and sat down without waiting for me, almost disappearing in the darkness. “The bench may be dirty…” “Doesn’t matter. That’s what clothes are for—to protect you from it.” She wasn’t wrong, but her outfit looked so expensive… Maybe rich people didn’t have to worry about things like their pricey clothes getting messy. If you had money, you could do anything with confidence. I was envious of that. I looked at my palm, thinking about how Ms. Chiki had taken my filthy hand back then. Maybe she was a bit eccentric. I sat down on the bench, leaving a gap between me and Ms. Chiki, but she immediately scooted closer. “…” I inched away. She cocked her head at me and shuffled closer again. I moved a little farther, until I reached the end of the bench. Dead end. I let out a laugh of resignation. “Why are you trying to get away from me?” she asked. “I wanted to see…how far you’d come after me.” It was a little game. Ms. Chiki was the only person I could be playful with, and I treasured that tickly, bouncy feeling that made me forget about my situation. I didn’t want to lose my only playmate. “I’ll follow you to the end of the world.” “Really?” “Yes.” “Liar…” Somehow, even though it was a lie, it was nice to hear. Maybe because it was obviously just a nicety, there was no pretense. Ms. Chiki was sitting so close, the sleeve of her yukata was touching my arm. As her floral scent began to envelop me, I felt like I’d come home. I couldn’t believe my eyes. The beautiful woman in the yukata was talking to Mizuike when she suddenly…started groping her breasts. Through Mizuike’s shirt, but still out in the open. Earlier, she’d nonchalantly embraced Mizuike on the street. And Mizuike wasn’t resisting the groping at all. She fidgeted a bit uncomfortably, but she didn’t scream. She was letting the woman do what she wanted. What the hell? I thought. What the hell?! No way. Were the two of them…? What was this even called? I couldn’t come up with the right word or phrase. My ears started ringing, and my vision clouded as if everything was getting obscured by white haze. My senses were losing their sharpness and couldn’t correctly convey information about my surroundings anymore. Whatever instinctive response was designed to alleviate heartache kicked into gear in my brain. “I need to have a serious talk with you,” I told Ms. Chiki. I looked her directly in the eyes, and she held my gaze. “Go on.” “I would really like you to take it seriously.” “Now you’re making it sound like I always make a joke of everything.” It wasn’t that she made a joke of everything, but she had a habit of derailing every conversation with pervy stuff, so I wanted to stress that this talk was too important to me for any of that. “Can I ask you a question?” I said. “Sure.” I felt my confidence starting to plunge like a paper plane diving for the floor. I couldn’t meet Ms. Chiki’s eyes for this. I ended up looking away from her midsentence. “Are you in a relationship with someone? A man or a woman?” “No.” She raised her hand a little like a student in class. I stared at her elegant fingers, trying to guess if she was telling the truth. “A straight answer… Suspicious.” “Well, you’re hard to please.” Untypically for her, Ms. Chiki narrowed her eyes like she was a bit miffed. Her updo made her seem more mature than usual, and this new look made my heart swell with admiration. But this was no time to be admiring her. “I believe you. Honestly, I do.” “Don’t be so skeptical of anything I say. I hardly ever lie to you, Umi.” Hardly ever, but not never. We both laughed, but our eyes remained serious. “As for me, I’ve never told you any lies.” “Aren’t you a good girl?!” She stroked the back of my hand, which wasn’t a bad thing, but I didn’t want any distractions, and the warmth of her fingers was enough to give me goose bumps. “You’re saying you’re single. So…” “I am single, yes.” It must’ve been painfully obvious what I was about to say next. My head was throbbing like someone had hit it; I was that self-conscious. The corners of my eyes were twitching, and both my skin and eyes were suddenly dry. I’d told her I wanted to talk, but I felt like I was on thin ice. Thinking back, I should’ve prepared for it, but like an ice-skater who’d lost their balance, I couldn’t stop. “So, what I’m saying is, I wanna keep seeing you…but you don’t need to pay me.” What was I saying? I hadn’t mentioned it until then, but my thoughts weren’t staying in order. Ms. Chiki’s eyes widened. She remained silent, as if waiting for me to continue. “That’s, um, kinda it,” I said, not really adding anything. “I see.” Ms. Chiki made a couple “hmm” noises, then switched to listening mode again. I knew what she was waiting for, and I dreaded having to say it out loud. But if I didn’t, I’d probably hate myself for the rest of my life. I turned to look into her eyes again. I was so stressed and sweaty, I thought blood might be coming out my pores. “I love you, Ms. Chiki. I’ve fallen in love with you.” I was repeating myself, but I wanted to make my confession as clear as I could. I had to confess my love to her, because keeping it secret was getting unbearable. My heart was thumping in my chest, my throat closing up. I saw Ms. Chiki’s pupils contract. Maybe some light had fallen on them. The fear of rejection was crushing my heart as it tried to jump out of my chest. The light around us dimmed like there’d been an eclipse, but then in the time it took for my blood to fully circulate through my body, it was like someone had breathed colors into the night sky. Bang, bang, bang! It was a display of lights and fireworks. “You’re in love with me, huh,” she said, mulling it over. “Yes…” I hung my head. I wanted to run, my ears swelling with blood until it hurt, my skin stinging the way it does in winter. Ms. Chiki shifted in her seat and put her hands in her lap, gazing up at the sky. Her bangs, the corners of her lips, and her voice seemed to make a diagonal, skyward line. “I’m so happy.” “I don’t believe you at all.” My heart had leaped like a frog. I told it to stop. “Oh, come on. Why can’t you ever trust me?” She pouted and pinched my cheeks. It wasn’t playful; it really hurt. She gazed into my eyes intensely, not angrily, but it made me think twice about accusing her of lying again. I’d never seen that look in her eyes before, and I didn’t know what it meant. “It’s very rude to call people liars because of your insecure assumptions.” My shoulders tensed up defensively. For the first time, I heard a sharp tone in Ms. Chiki’s reprimand. The shock left me ice-cold inside, even though it was summer. I was scared. Ms. Chiki’s disapproval was terrifying. “I’m sorry.” “I’m glad you’re so ready to apologize, but take what I said to heart.” “I’m sorry.” “Now calm down, girl.” She pulled me closer and patted my back, like she was comforting a baby. I felt the fabric of her yukata with my chin. It was stiff, starched. “I’m sorry.” “Hey, I wasn’t being mean. Don’t act like that—you’re making me sad. I’ll hold you until you can speak again instead of just apologizing over and over.” She kept me in her embrace. It felt warm, and I was melting into it. I wished I had no bones and could all melt into glop, mix in with the darkness, and feel Ms. Chiki all over. She always had the upper hand. She knew a quick show of kindness was the only thing it took to wrap me around her finger. Why did I have to be so simple? I was no match for her. She was so pretty, smelled of flowers, was smart, and gentle, and caring, and made me feel relaxed, and she had big boobs. She was gorgeous. I had no idea how to resist falling in love with her. It was impossible. If I didn’t see her even just for a few days, I missed her so much that I wanted to cry. Remembering that stirred that depressive feeling that’d been nagging me earlier, and it floated up to the surface to wash over me again. “Have you pulled yourself together?” “Yes…” One anxiety got swapped for another. “I…really am insecure.” “And why is that?” “Because I’m stupid.” “Haven’t we talked about this before?” She released me from her embrace and smiled at me. She was right; we’d had a conversation like this. “Don’t you remember? I told you that you weren’t a silly goose after all, which was unfortunate for me.” “Did you say that?” When we’d first met, I hadn’t believed anything she said. Maybe I hadn’t been so stupid back then, but I’d turned into a total idiot since. My head was empty except for thoughts about Ms. Chiki. When she didn’t call me for a week, I got withdrawal so bad, my chest would ache from anxiety. “You want to be confident, hmm?” Ms. Chiki picked up where I’d left off earlier. She thought for a moment. “The only way to earn confidence is through winning.” She didn’t just tell me to be confident. She gave me a real pointer. “You won’t become confident unless you win. Your first opponent may be yourself. Winning against yourself is easy, because you can set the bar as low as you want. You’ve got chores to do but can’t be bothered? Overcome that. Can’t study for an hour straight without distractions? Overcome that. Start with simple challenges along those lines to build up your sense of achievement. Confidence will grow from there.” I began wondering if Ms. Chiki was a private tutor. She had a way with words. “It’s crucial, though, that eventually, you win against another person.” Her tone had turned harsher. It was bristling with determination. I sensed Ms. Chiki really believed in what she was saying, that she’d lived by those rules she was sharing with me. I felt a little privileged. She’d never talked to me like that before. “And who did you win against?” “Hmm. You, for one.” Just like that, she was back to her usual, joking self. Oh well. I admitted my defeat to her. If her goal had been to make me fall in love with her, she’d succeeded without any trouble. I was utterly defeated. “Am I right in guessing you wanted to ask me to be your girlfriend?” “Um… Maybe…” Why was I being too cowardly to admit it after all I’d said? I hated myself for being so cagey. For being a shy teenager in love. “I guess…that’s pretty much…what I wanted to ask…” “Thanks for confirming.” Ms. Chiki’s eyes closed like a book snapped shut. “I’ve had this a few times,” she said, placing her hands on the bench and stretching her legs in front of her. “A girl really falling in love with me and asking me to date her.” “…” In other words, I was just one of many. And if she’d cut ties with them, that clearly pointed to how this was going to end. Maybe she’d rejected them right away or gradually ghosted them. It didn’t matter. The result was the same. “I like it better when I’m paying for it, you know.” “Why?” I couldn’t see why anyone would prefer to pay for something they could have for free. “Because I get to touch you as much as I like,” she replied smoothly. “I can grope you without worrying what you think. But if we were dating, I couldn’t, for example, reach over and give your boobs an insouciant little grab whenever I felt like it.” Insouciant? What did that mean? Like, offhanded? “I thought…” “Hmm?” “I thought…you just didn’t have common sense.” “Oh-ho-ho! I need to have a grasp on how society works, my dear.” I should’ve thought of it—she was a girl from a wealthy family who socialized with the sort of people I’d never brush shoulders with. When she was with me, was she her true self, or was she her true self when she was with “her” people? If she knew how to behave, I wished she didn’t reserve that only for when she was in polite society. But then again, if she did, she wouldn’t have picked me up that day when I’d just been moping at the station. I should be glad for her weirdness, then. “Can’t you…survive not being able to grope me randomly?” “No. I want to grope you.” She gestured with her right hand as if for emphasis, her slender fingers bending to cup an imaginary boob. “I’ve finally discovered the perfect recipe for happiness, and you’re asking me to throw it away?” Ms. Chiki shook her head several times. Do I really love this person? I wondered, watching the sensuous movements of her fingertips. And the answer was, I did. It made me feel pathetic, but I was head over heels for her. “Let’s say…you can still touch me…whenever you like…” “Hmm? What could you be suggesting?” As if she didn’t understand. I turned my face away from her, feeling stubborn. So much for having a serious talk. It was always like that with her. Even when I specifically asked her to be serious, it had zero effect. I didn’t know where to go from there. What was it I was going to say next? “I’m suggesting… No, I want to ask you. Will you date me or not?” My words were flopping like a flightless bird. “Aren’t we pretty much dating anyway?” She looked into my eyes questioningly. “Are we?” “Dating and what we’re doing aren’t much different.” It was those differences that were crucial, I thought. But still, I understood Ms. Chiki wasn’t enthusiastic about my idea. Was she dumping me? “I’m…not used to people being gentle with me…” “I’ve certainly noticed!” “I was thinking… It’s possible I’m mistaking gentleness for other feelings. For…love?” “Gentleness is an expression of love,” Ms. Chiki declared, stroking my head like I was a little kid. Maybe it was just me, but I thought I was getting petted more than usual. Maybe it was because I was so sad that day, but at least Ms. Chiki couldn’t see my sadness too clearly in the darkness. Her touch was comforting. She could have all sorts of effects on me. She confused me, calmed me, agitated me, made me jealous. Maybe love made you more sensitive. The petting stopped. I looked up at Ms. Chiki and saw she was staring toward the park entrance. I tried to see what she was seeing, but there wasn’t anything I could make out in the faint light coming from buildings farther away. “Is something wrong?” “No, nothing to worry about.” She withdrew her hand and stopped watching the entrance. I waited a few moments before speaking. “Imagine we were on top of a cliff…,” I said. “Or lost at sea. Or trapped somewhere else high up.” “Uh-huh.” Ms. Chiki didn’t question why I was talking about something random all of a sudden. “If we were in danger, and only one of us could be saved, you’d save yourself, right?” She looked to the side, thinking. “Probably.” I was glad, a little, that she was being honest. “And that makes sense,” I admitted. “But I’m stupid enough to choose saving you over me.” Even if it meant I would die, I’d rather save her. “That’s because you’re a good person.” “No, it’s not that,” I disagreed, shaking my head. “It’s because I couldn’t live without you. I’d die either way.” My feelings might have just meant trouble to Ms. Chiki, but I wanted to convey them anyway. I had to let them all out after stifling them for so long that they’d been choking me back. I wasn’t sure if the metaphor I’d come up with got my point across. Maybe all Ms. Chiki got from it was that I was more trouble than I was worth. I timidly raised my head to look at Ms. Chiki. Our eyes met. I was relieved to see she was smiling as usual. “So dating… Okay, we can do it. I love you, so why not?” I bit my tongue before I could accuse her of lying. She must’ve picked up on it, because her eyes narrowed scarily for a moment. It was something wrong with me, assuming everyone was lying. I thought about what Ms. Chiki had told me was the way toward more confidence. Who should I challenge? “Although, I don’t think us officially dating will change anything between us. You love me; I love you. I enjoy your company, doing pervy stuff to you, buying you underwear, stroking your hair, and treating you to lots of delicious food. See, we’re already doing all the things couples do.” Only about half of what she was saying registered in my head. I was busy thinking about who I wanted to win against, and in what way. The answer was right in front of me. “So are you sure you really want us to be a couple?” Ms. Chiki tried one last time to change my mind. But my mind was elsewhere. I stood up and started slowly walking away from the bench. I was going to spell it all out. “My name is Umi Mizuike. You write it with the characters for ‘sea,’ ‘water’, and ‘pond.’ My mom is my only family. I go to my local high school. I’m in year two, class B. I’m right-handed. My strongest subject is English, but I suck at Japanese. My favorite food is meat, but there’s nothing I won’t eat. When I wash myself, I start with my left arm. I don’t know my blood type. My birthday is on January seventh. My dream is to get rich. My least favorite animals are humans. I haven’t really grown any taller in the last year. My favorite color is blue. I don’t have a home. I’ve never been on a plane or on a high-speed train. I have…one friend, but that number may go down to zero tomorrow. I like having my hair stroked, but only by the person I love. And when she gropes me, I want her body, too. I fall in love at the first sign of kindness toward me, apparently. I want to see the person I love every day. I love her. I love her, I love her. I love her. That’s why I get anxious. And jealous. I want her to have eyes only for me. I love being with her even if it hurts me. I love being with her even if she makes me cry. I love it even more when she happens to feel like being gentle with me when we’re together, when she’s next to me, when she’s touching me, when she’s looking at me. I think my IQ has been steadily dropping since I met her. I can only think about her. It’s love. The passionate kind. She’s the most important to me. More important than anyone. I want to cry when I think about how much she matters to me and when she holds me in her arms. Because I’m so happy. She’s my happiness. Whenever I lose something, I want to see her.” I turned toward Ms. Chiki. “She’s my first love. She’s the lady who bought me.” I’d decided on my first challenge—to win against Ms. Chiki, who claimed nothing would change if we became a couple. Even if my chances of winning were nonexistent, I was still going to do it. Once I’d set that goal for myself, I felt somehow…fresh? Uplifted? Ms. Chiki hadn’t moved at all during my flurry of words, listening until I was finished. Then she also got off the bench and walked up to me. “I’m Chiki Rikunaka, a bad woman who bound a troubled high school girl to her with money.” She smiled instead of going into a lengthy speech like I had. So that was it. I could reveal everything about myself to her, but she wouldn’t return the favor. That’s what she was like. But I couldn’t help loving her. “I’m your girlfriend,” she added, and the words felt like her fingers stroking the underside of my chin. She didn’t give out any info about herself, but she gave me what I wanted the most. “Umi,” she said my name, now knowing it was my real name. Big droplets started rolling down my cheeks, falling on my hands, faster and faster. “I love you, Umi.” I was blinded by light that wasn’t the glow of the moon or the sun. It blurred Ms. Chiki. In that light, I could see hundreds of warning signs. Alarm bells were ringing in my head, making an awful noise. I knew she was lying. If I believed her, she’d betray me one day. It just couldn’t end well. That was clear to me. In spite of that, I took her hands, interlaced my fingers with hers, and stood a little straighter, stretching up like a baby bird to be fed, but what I wanted was Ms. Chiki’s love. Before this love took our voices away, it gave me one last warning: Don’t complain later if it doesn’t go well. If you end up getting hurt, remember this is what you wanted. I saw it all, plain as day. I heard every word. I got thrown into a world I didn’t want to know anything about. I was pretty sure that just before they kissed, the woman glanced over at me. As if to make sure I was watching. She wanted to show off to me, to gloat. The story of what I suspected was my first love started with me watching her kiss another woman.
Chapter 10
55 min read