Being abandoned by this person would be the same as death to me. Ever since I’d learned she was my sister, my life had been hanging by a thread. “But you…went on a date?” “We did, yes,” she readily agreed. I was losing momentum, but I knew I had to press on. Shiho was very good at lying, and recently I’d realized why—she separated the parts she was willing to admit and the parts she lied about. Then she mixed a bit of the truth with a bit of the lie, and she was so obviously practiced that I could tell she was used to deceiving people. …She probably was a bad person after all. “You did that without telling me… You didn’t think about how I’d feel?” My laughably poor vocabulary was really showing—I was anxious and couldn’t express myself. I went to school like the other girls, but I couldn’t argue like them. Where did they learn how to do it? From books? From TV? Something was missing in what I had said, but my simple brain couldn’t even figure out what it was. “It’d be tiresome to report to you every time I’m going out on a date.” “Wait, that’s not what I’m asking you to do.” She shouldn’t be going on dates with other people at all. I flapped my hands frantically. “Until an hour ago, I was your girlfriend.” And what were we now? Being sisters came first, I guessed. Could you be sisters and girlfriends at the same time? How did Shiho see me? The way she was looking at me was the same as the first time she’d seen me, the same as when we had gone to hotels. It was always warm and gentle. Her eyes never changed, no matter what she was looking at. “You can still be my girlfriend if you like. What do you want us to be, Umi?” “I…” She threw the question that had been driving me insane at me, and I started thinking about it earnestly…but then I realized what Shiho was doing. “I’m not falling for your tricks.” “Aw, you’re so smart.” She patted me on the head. I repeated to myself that I wasn’t going to fall for her tricks while accepting the head pats. “To tell you the truth, Takasora and I almost did have a moment.” “What?” “Let me finish, okay? I mean that I was stroking her hair, but then she suddenly burst into tears. So I comforted her, took her out for a nice meal, and walked her back to the station. The end.” Shiho sighed and raised her hands in resignation. I looked at her profile and at her soft, defeated smile, which soon brightened like clouds parting to reveal the sky. “Of course, acting like a baby isn’t the best way to handle these things, either. Takasora should have been a bit more reasonable…but she seemed much better after getting those tears out of her. It was for the best, I suppose.” She was smiling as if she had only the best of intentions. As I watched her, the sharp emotions inside me began to lose their edge, and I didn’t want to fight Shiho anymore. I’d tried to confront her, and I was left with this washed-out feeling. Shiho always casually talked her way out of any question she didn’t like, and that made me feel pathetic and powerless. I found a tiny bit of comfort in knowing it was always like that with her. Tears started flowing from my eyes. “Am I not a good big sister?” she asked. “You’re the worst…” “Aw, now you’re crying too, Umi?” “’Cause you make me cry…” My mood was like the patterning on a snake, blurred splotches of emotion. The ache in my heart, the sting of my tears, and the sensation that I was alive were all things I had this person to thank for. This person—my first love…and my sister. “You’re my sister, but I still love you” was the answer I stumbled on as I racked my empty head. She was a bad person, but I loved her. She paid to use my body, but I loved her. I was sure she was lying to me, but I loved her. No matter what happened or how she made me feel, my heart always resettled into loving her. The fact I was grateful for this curse probably meant I’d gone too crazy to be saved. “Aw, that’s what I wanted to hear!” Shiho crooned happily, running her fingers through my hair. As she untangled and smoothed my hair, I felt as if my thoughts were becoming more ordered again, too, but maybe I was only telling myself that. “I quite like it when you call me ‘Sis.’” “Sis…” I’d gotten a new name to call her, but she still called me the same thing she had when we’d only been girlfriends. I felt like I was missing out…but did I really want her to call me “Little Sister”? No, that would only put more distance between us. “If my mother didn’t say anything, would you have kept it a secret forever?” “Hmm…” Shiho gazed into the distance, narrowing her eyes. “My view on this matter is skewed, but the Chitaira family is a collection of scumbags. At least to me. Oh, and that includes myself, by the way. Getting involved with the family would only cause you grief, Umi. That’s why I didn’t want you to know.” “I don’t care to know them.” “Good.” “But you’re not a scumbag.” The only person in my heart, the light of my life, and the meaning of beauty was my sister, and it made me mad to hear anyone say bad things about her. That included the woman herself. “You’re a good person, you’re kind…and you’re my sister.” The idea of having a sister was only an hour old for me, but it was already ballooning in importance. My body was producing tears with the same ease as sweat on a hot day, and they quietly dropped from my face onto the ground. “It’s nice to hear that.” She stroked my hair again. I used to dislike her treating me like a child, but now I was hungry for this sort of affection. “But you really need to learn to read people better.” “…No, I don’t. I don’t care about other people. Only you.” I’d become entirely dependent on her alone. She’d made me into this creature. “Hmm. That approach might work, too, I suppose.” She never ever told me I was wrong. She embraced me, comforted me, accepted me. At first, she had been paying to be with me, then we’d become girlfriends, and now we were sisters. Did that mean we were getting closer? It made my head hurt to try to answer that. “…I want you to look at me, Sis.” “I am looking at you?” “Don’t look at other girls. Look at me.” I wanted to say, “Look only at me,” but somehow I couldn’t get that out. “I told you you’re special to me, didn’t I?” “I thought you said that to all girls.” “Heh.” Shiho’s lips curled upward in a proud grin. “Everyone loves to hear they’re special. They want somewhere to belong.” She drew a shape in the air and laughed. “And you think that makes it right…” “Making sweet schoolgirls happy is the right thing to do, isn’t it?” “…Why are you like this?” Was I really complaining? If she weren’t like that, I wouldn’t be living in this apartment, which would also mean not knowing Hoshi. Hoshi was a nice girl, and I wanted to be friends with her, but I didn’t think she wanted to be friends with me. …Meeting Shiho had influenced my life both in a good and a bad way. “Did you give me money because of who I am?” “Yes, plus your earnings.” “Earnings…?” “Ha-ha-ha!” Not funny to me. Shiho really was a pervert obsessed with high school girls. “Tell me, Umi. Did you never think it was strange how we have the same eyes?” “When I saw yours, I thought it must be a common color…” I’d lived my life avoiding looking at people’s faces. I didn’t even want to look at my own. That was why I’d had no idea there was anything unusual about hazel eyes. I’d spent hours gazing into Shiho’s eyes, letting her gaze deep back into mine, and not understanding the connection. “Ah, that’s the conclusion you drew from it. Your naïveté is so precious.” Shiho braced her hands against her knees and stood up. Her kimono shimmered in the light, casting a deep shadow on me. “Sis?” “I’ve told you all the important things now.” I sensed she was getting ready to leave, and I almost fell over from my crouch. “…Wait. You’re…going away somewhere?” I was aware it sounded stupid. It wasn’t like we were living together, so of course she had somewhere to go. But she was my sister, so…so…so what? An emotion formed inside me, but I had no name for it. It was frustrating not knowing how to communicate it, but Shiho sensed it all the same. She extended her hand toward me. “Would you like to come with me, Umi?” she asked me gently, taking my hand with reverence. I didn’t want to let go of her hand. I didn’t say “yes,” but I didn’t say “no.” Squeezing Shiho’s hand back was more important than any words. I stood up without being prompted and started walking. The cicadas were so loud, I felt as if they had perched on the back of my head. I was staring at the ground, at my feet, but I was moving forward. My sister was taking me somewhere… My sister?! I have a sister, I had to repeat to myself again. I was following my sister, holding her hand. My sister…who used to be my girlfriend. Her hand was as warm as always. I’d felt bad when she’d first taken my filthy hand, but she hadn’t seemed to mind. She’d interlaced her beautiful fingers with my dirty ones and held on tight to me. She’d even cleaned my wounds. She’d shown me how quickly I could heal. Feeling her hand in mine made me excited and at ease at the same time. Where did she want me to walk with her? I’d stay with her until this day was over and the next one started and ended as well. I’d always be with her—the thought made my chest grow warm with happiness. With my sister, I could go anywhere without lifting my head to look where we were going. If she was with me, I wanted to be there. …But would she stay with me forever? “Um…” “Yes, dear?” Her hand was holding mine, but all she needed to caress me was her voice. “Sis, do you love me?” “I love you so much.” “Even now?” She pulled me closer and put her hands around my back. Without pulling my body against hers, her lips smoothly found mine. They were slightly moist, as if there were summery dew on them. Mine were always dry. “What do I need to do to make you happy?” Our lips separated, and she gazed into my eyes, her face still close to mine. Our eyes really were the exact same color, but hers had a soft expression in them that mine didn’t. Everything about her was graceful. “Um…” “Would you like me to carry you in my arms? Kiss you? Take you to the amusement park? Have sex with you? Take you out for a nice meal? Or take you to feed the pigeons?” “Pigeons…?” “What do you want, Umi? Tell your sister.” Having nimbly dodged my question, she was watching me with a gentle, quizzical look. “I’m not yet used to being your sister, either, so you have to tell me what I should do, Umi.” That was a revelation to me. Shiho hadn’t thought about how to be a sister before that day? The woman who always knew everything, could do anything, was starting the journey of sisterhood with no experience, just like me. We had to decide for ourselves what being sisters would be like. So what did I want from Shiho? What did I want in general? “I want…” “Hey!” someone called suddenly. My head turned as if someone had pulled a string. I immediately recognized that voice. Behind me was Hoshi, her shoulders heaving. Her hands were closed into tight fists, not holding anyone else’s. Plastered to her sweaty forehead, her bangs shone even more like gold in the sunlight. Midday Hoshi was so shiny. Like one of the stars above us now—although you couldn’t see them in the blue sky. “Where are you going?” “Where…?” I didn’t know. I was simply following my sister. “You’re sharp as a tack, Takasora. I like that about you.” Shiho giggled, looking Hoshi up and down in appreciation. Seeing her smile and praise Hoshi with that gentle softness in her eyes made black lines appear deep inside my heart. I had no doubt my sister liked Hoshi, too. And Hoshi wasn’t our sister. She’d have to be something else to Shiho. I could picture what that would be, and it made me feel like my lungs were filling up with muddy water. “Where are we going, hmm…? People have been asking themselves that question since time immemorial.” “What?” I wasn’t sure which one of us said that out loud. “I suppose I’ll leave Umi with you for a bit longer, Takasora.” Shiho let go of my hand and gently pushed me toward Hoshi, as if offering me as a gift. “Umi, be nice to Takasora.” “Uh… Okay.” While I stood there confused, Shiho was suddenly next to Hoshi. She didn’t run over—it was as if she’d glided over in an instant. Hoshi seemed about to take a step back when Shiho put her hands on Hoshi’s shoulders and whispered something into her ear. Hoshi grimaced, and her eyes turned steely. “Well, bye, Umi,” Shiho said in the same casual tone as always. Farewells normally required a response, but she was already walking away without waiting for one. In the end, we couldn’t just walk off together? Before that day, I’d known saying bye never implied we’d see each other again, but now…we were sisters. “Wait…” My sister was walking away. She was walking away somewhere far from me. I was scared if I said bye, I’d never see her again. “Sis!” I called after her in a voice clearer than ever before, using another name for her. I waved stiffly, as if I were trying to shake off my own hand. “See…you…” “Mm-hmm.” “Soon… See you…” “Sure. See you soon.” Shiho deciphered my incoherent message and gave me a firm nod. I didn’t have any other way to keep her. The summer heat suddenly started getting to me, attacking me down to my ankles. It was as if I’d been holding my breath this whole time, not seeing and not feeling anything around me, focused solely on my sister. With her departure, I was thrown back into reality—a reality where I was joined by a blond girl. We stood next to each other, alone. Hoshi brushed her bangs off her face in annoyance, turned, and clenched her hands again. “Let’s go,” she commanded sharply. I could tell her entire body was tense, even with her shirt covering her torso. I was so feeble that her tension alone was exerting force on me. “Sorry for interrupting, by the way…” “Okay…” We both left our lines unfinished. Was she really sorry? “I thought you were going to kiss or something… Didn’t know the right timing to call out.” “Really…?” Then she shouldn’t have said anything at all…or maybe not? She’d stopped my sister from taking me away…but I didn’t feel resistance at the thought of going back to Hoshi’s place. My thoughts were still a mess. The inside of my head was still vibrating, as if a great bell had announced I had a sister. I didn’t feel present, so no matter what was happening to me, I didn’t feel part of it. Why Hoshi had come after me, why I was going back to her house—those questions were too abstract for me. I’d have to come back to them later. I thought that maybe my sister had left me to give me time to think everything over. I looked ahead, but I couldn’t see the apartment building yet. I had walked quite far without realizing. I glanced over at Hoshi’s sweaty face. She had run a long way to catch up to me. …What a weirdo. “What did my sister tell you?” I asked, walking back with her. “Something that was obvious anyway.” Her short reply told me nothing. I wanted to press her to tell me more, but she walked ahead before I could. “Hmm” was the only thing I said. We walked the rest of the way in silence. There should’ve been plenty of time until the evening, but the day ended in the blink of an eye. Suddenly, I was staring at the dark ceiling, scratching at mosquito bites on my legs. I might have been the only person to scratch cross marks over mosquito bites. I don’t know why I did that—it didn’t make them itch any less. I breathed slowly, quietly, in rhythm with the faint pain of each scratch. Like the day before, the room had filled with that obnoxious heat that made it hard to sleep. Above my head, the fan was spinning weakly, its whirring concealing the breathing of my roommate. My sleeping roommate. “…” What’d made me dash out after her, really? A bad feeling in my stomach, nothing more. All of a sudden, I’d been out the door, running down the street, leaving the apartment door open. If I hadn’t caught up to them, I’d probably never have seen Mizuike again. She’d have disappeared without a word, just like how she’d appeared. I couldn’t bear for it to end that way, so I’d run under the scorching summer sky. Now here I was, with Mizuike sleeping in my room again, stirring something inside me and keeping me awake. The light summer blanket was still too much in this heat, but I had to cover myself with something or I’d feel too exposed. “Isn’t my little sister cute?” that awful woman had whispered in my ear. She’d been bragging but also stating an obvious fact. Her little sister, huh? That explained why she felt so familiar to me, even when I hadn’t really known her. She and Mizuike shared the same blood, the same eyes. That wicked woman, that pretty woman, that woman who’d seen me in many embarrassing moments, that kind woman, that horrible woman. That woman who’d slept with her own sister. She was a crazy patchwork of things, defying my understanding of how the world worked. And yet…instead of hatred, she awoke in me this strange impatience. I was a terminal case, too. I shut my eyes, annoyed I couldn’t sleep. The breeze from the fan was too slow to stop me sweating. It just cooled the little beads of perspiration forming on my skin. “Sis…” I couldn’t ignore that faint whisper. “…Ugh.” I turned away from my roommate, but I felt her rolling over to face me. “What’s ugh?” “What you’ve been muttering under your breath over and over.” I turned toward her, too, deciding to confront her, and I almost snorted out a laugh. Mizuike’s angry pout only made her look even more childish. She was scowling at me suspiciously, like she didn’t believe me. Her head must have been so full of her sister that she hadn’t noticed she was talking out loud—the words came out involuntarily with her breath. The discovery that she had a sister was a bolt out of the blue for her, so of course she’d be thinking about that. I didn’t blame her. But the moistness in her voice whenever she said “Sis” was repulsive. “Why are you saying ‘Sis, Sis’ constantly anyway?” I wasn’t sure what the woman was to me anymore as I discussed her with her sister. The world had been turned upside down. I hated that woman, but hatred wasn’t the only thing I felt toward her. Mizuike held on to the edge of the blanket she’d pulled over her head as she showed me her phone. “She’s not replying to my texts.” “…Of course she’s not.” “What do you mean?” She made big eyes at me. Seriously? She hadn’t noticed? “She left her bag behind.” “What? Oh…” Ms. Chitaira had forgotten to take her bag with her when she’d left. She probably hadn’t expected that Mizuike would want to talk to her alone outside, and then they’d gone off together on the spur of the moment, except then I’d caught them and Ms. Chitaira had ended up leaving alone… She hadn’t had the time to come back for her bag, apparently. I hadn’t looked inside, but I guessed her phone would be there. “That’s why. She wasn’t avoiding me…” Mizuike’s voice and facial expression relaxed, the explanation comforting her like a warm blanket. She didn’t need to worry about Ms. Chitaira ignoring her anyway—fueled by her selfish desires, that woman was quick to reply to her targets and reward them with her attention to keep them hooked. She was as methodical with her texts as a keen businesswoman dealing with customer e-mails. Would Ms. Chitaira be okay without her phone, though? What if she came by the next day to pick up her bag? I wondered how I should treat her if I saw her again, and my mood turned dark. The woman, the bitch, Ms. Chitaira, her. The way I referred to her in my mind changed to reflect the kaleidoscope of my feelings toward her. I might never meet anyone like her again, anyone who’d stoke such complex emotions in me. I had to believe I’d never again meet someone so twisted, because it was terrifying to allow the possibility there were more people like her out there. “That’s okay, then…,” Mizuike mumbled to herself, shutting her eyes and letting it go. I thought I heard her drop her phone, and then she started shuffling under the blanket toward me. “What is it?” “I remembered I wanted to ask you something.” “But why are you creeping closer…? Eh, whatever.” She should just ask me whatever it was, I thought, without the unnecessary wiggling, but it probably wasn’t unnecessary after all. I crept closer to her, too, ignoring the invisible line we’d agreed would separate us, so that our voices wouldn’t have so far to travel. When we were face-to-face, even in the darkness, Mizuike’s beauty made my heart beat faster. It was the first time we’d lain down next to each other like this, and for all I’d thought I had desensitized myself to her, I was keenly aware of her being so close. “So what do you want to ask?” She hardly ever wanted to speak to me without being prompted, so I was at once wary and excited. It was quite dark, but I could see her eyes. She was looking at me. “I know you’ve met with my sister in secret.” What a cruel jab right into the innermost part of my heart. In the end, she only wanted to talk to me about that woman again. The disappointment was like rubbing my head against a coarse wall. “Just because I didn’t tell you about it, you’re calling it meeting in secret?” Ms. Chitaira and I’d met up only to hang out as friends, after all. I had to admit to myself that lying the way Ms. Chitaira did to justify myself made me uncomfortable. But anyway, what more did Mizuike want me to tell her about it? I had no obligation to admit everything, even if she asked. “You have to tell me if you’re meeting her.” “Why?” I pretended I didn’t understand, dodging Mizuike’s gaze. “Because she’s my sister.” Mizuike threw the blanket off her and sat up, frowning at me. She wanted me to report if I was meeting Ms. Chitaira because she was her sister? Not girlfriend, but sister? That was what she chose to be particular about? Jealous, even? Somehow, I couldn’t help laughing. “Was there something funny?” Sure was. “Siscon.” “What?” “That’s what they call people like you.” A person jealously guarding their lover created a hostile image, but a little sister worrying someone might steal her older sister—now, that was kind of sweet, maybe because it indicated a purer, childlike attachment. It just made you smile. Mizuike glared at me, maintaining that angry frown from before, as if I’d seriously touched a nerve. But then she curled in on herself as if trying to hide her head between her shoulders and asked, “What does it mean?” She wasn’t mad I’d called her a siscon, just confused by the word she didn’t know. How should I explain it to her, though? I’d only learned the word in passing, too. “Well, you know, someone with a sister complex? That is, someone who really loves their sister.” Mizuike cocked her head, thinking. Then her lips formed into a pout again, eyes sharp. “And what’s wrong with that?” “Nothing.” I’d never said she was doing anything wrong. Her sister was the bad person. “So you already love your sister?” She’d sure adjusted quickly to the switch from lovers to sisters. “I’ve loved her a long time now.” “Yeah, but…in a different way, right? As a sister?” I just wanted to hint to her that it wasn’t a good idea to mix up different kinds of love, but she glared at me like I was the unreasonable one here, and I almost cringed. “I don’t know what loving someone as a sister’s supposed to mean.” “…Not that surprising.” It’d only been one day, after all. She’d never experienced what having siblings was like before, so different forms of love wouldn’t be immediately apparent to her. “I never thought I had a sister… But I don’t know much about my mother, and I don’t know anything about my father. Maybe I’ll find out I have even more siblings.” “That’d be crazy…,” I commented, but then my eyes darted left and right as I thought about something. “…Actually, I might have siblings I don’t know about, too.” The only thing I remembered about my dad was his hair, blond like mine. For all I knew, I might have half-siblings out there that I might bump into someday. It was kind of a scary thought. Our small apartment didn’t have room for any more people. “We both have dysfunctional families, huh?” One little thing we had in common. An intersection of two very different paths. “Yeah,” Mizuike agreed, her expression a tad softer. “But my sister is all I need to be happy…” Her words trailed off as she closed her eyes, drifting off to sleep. Was she really going to sleep right next to me? …If she was okay with that, I had no complaints. We should’ve been sleeping like this from the start. If only I’d known she’d come to inhabit not only my room, but also my heart. Maybe it wouldn’t have made a difference, though, since she’d met that woman long before me. I’d found my first love too late; the spark had just fallen to the ground without kindling. “…” Could there be anything between me and Umi Mizuike? Could anything grow between us? Midsummer was approaching. This summer was ferocious, attacking me with a tsunami of experiences I wasn’t ready for. What was going to happen when it reached its full intensity? When its unstoppable energy reached its zenith? What would I lose? What would I gain? What would it leave in its wake? How was it going to be transformed by my encounter with these weird, messed-up sisters who’d stolen my heart? “I’m…”
Chapter 26
24 min read