Now then, let’s talk about the beginning of the end… Actually, there wasn’t a specific moment, but I suppose there was a turning point. It happened half a year after leaving home, when we discovered that Aisha was pregnant.
We were innocently overjoyed, truly—or at least I was. It must’ve been more complicated for her. She was happy, but I think she was anxious too. I don’t know exactly what she was feeling, because I was just a clueless kid at the time. Aisha never told me.
After a few months, Aisha started to grow weak. Not physically, mind you. This is Aisha we’re talking about. She’d never do anything to put our baby in danger. I mean mentally. She gradually lost her vigor.
Seeing her like that, I tried my best to act cheerful in an attempt to keep her spirits up. I hunted stuff in the woods that’d make for delicious meals. No matter what I tried, it didn’t work. It wasn’t like anything particularly draining was happening outside of her pregnancy. We were busy, sure, but that was it.
Aisha was too smart, so she knew she’d cornered herself. She understood that the situation we were in was far from ideal. She probably kept coming up with better actions she could have taken: If only I’d done this. I should do that.
As you guys know all too well, Aisha could be hard on people who didn’t do things exactly as she’d imagined. Well, she was way worse back then, and she applied that attitude to herself as much as others.
I believe she felt like a fool for not making better choices or acting more sensibly, and I bet she was fed up with herself for behaving emotionally instead of logically. She looked down on people who acted without thinking, after all. So she started rejecting who she’d been up until that point, as well as who she’d become.
Just like that, Aisha found herself with no one to rely on, even though that’s who I should’ve been for her. I should’ve told her that everyone acts that way sometimes, and she was no different. That there was no reason to put shackles on herself. She didn’t have to do that to anyone. Just like how my father had been there for her in the past, I should’ve become someone she could share her emotions with. But I was too much of a kid. I couldn’t do it.
It wasn’t like I said anything awful to her. I’d vowed to protect her, and I did everything I could for her. But I was off the mark on all of it. Aisha was the same. She didn’t say anything particularly harsh to me. On the surface, she acted like she always had. Nevertheless, because I loved her, I understood she wasn’t the same.
After a few months, both Aisha and I reached a breaking point. I didn’t know what to do anymore. Her belly was growing larger by the day, and she was losing her strength just as rapidly.
In the end, Aisha stopped trying to pretend she was fine. Aisha, a girl who always smiled and laughed, who was always so expressive, became someone who could only nod blankly.
Nothing I did returned her to normal. I said I’d protect her, but I couldn’t do a thing. It was like I was the hero after he lost to the demon king and wandered the poison swamp. Our only difference was that I was desperate to resist the poison known as “resignation.”
I had to do something, but I didn’t know what. I was useless. I was constantly reminded of how weak I was, how much I needed to act but couldn’t.
There was one thing I was vaguely aware of, something that even someone as dense as me could understand. I couldn’t put it into words, and I didn’t want to believe it, but I noticed: My very presence was the problem. I was the one who’d forced her into a corner.
I hadn’t protected her at all.
I did my best to avert my gaze from the truth, but I wasn’t so far gone that I could look away from reality forever. That was why I reached out to Blue Mama.
By now, I don’t remember if I sought help or ruin back then. I just figured getting in touch with her would protect Aisha.