Chapter 9

1 “Morning, Megumin. Have you had breakfast?” “Good morning. Recently, my little sister has been wheedling gifts out of people. I’ve been having the scraps, so I’m quite full, thank you.” “And… And you’re okay with that?” Today was a holiday for the Crimson Magic Clan, so there was no school. It wasn’t exactly perfect weather; the sky was overcast. Yunyun and I were together first thing, on our way to find out what Bukkororii wanted. “Heh-heh, just take a look at this, Megumin!” Yunyun gleefully showed me something. It was a board game. A game of combat that, as I recalled, was popular in the capital. “And what about it?” “My uncle was on a trip to the capital, and he brought it back for me. He said, ‘It’s impossible to play this by yourself, so maybe it’ll help even you…’ I didn’t really understand what he meant, though.” …I supposed Yunyun’s uncle had a lot to worry about, in his own way. “I’m thinking about bringing it to school, but do you want to try it while we’re waiting for Bukkororii?” “…I suppose I do not mind. Though I doubt I will lose a game of intellectual prowess, yes?” So we set up the game on the grass. “Okay,” Yunyun said, “I’ll go first…!” Thirty minutes later. “Grrrrr! H-here! I’ll move my Sword Master into this space right here!” “I’m teleporting my Arch-wizard to this space.” “I hate how you use Teleport, Megumin! …Hey, how about we agree not to use the Arch-wizard?” “I will agree to no such thing. Oh look, you’re in check.” “Aaaargh! Wait, wait!” And after an hour… “F-finally! If I can keep this up, I think I can eke out a win…! All right, Megumin, your end is near! I’m moving my Crusader to this sp—” “Explooosion!” “Ahhh! Megumin, that’s no fair, flipping the board over like that!” “Of course it is. It’s even in the rule book. Right here: ‘When the Arch-wizard is on her home square…’” After two hours. “One more round! Please, Megumin, just one more!” “No matter how many times we play, I always win. Just admit it and give up… I must say, though, this game is quite interesting. I assert my victor’s right to borrow it for a while.” “Oh! W-wait! Ugh, the rules of this game are so weird! Explosion? Teleport? Who came up with this thing?” Yunyun, her eyes brimming, sent one of the pieces flying with a flick of her finger. “I cannot help noticing that the man who called this meeting is himself late. What could Bukkororii be up to?” “…Should we go call him?” Thus, we ended up at Bukkororii’s house, which wasn’t far away. His place was the number one cobbler in the village. Then again, it was the only shoe repair shop in the village. When we entered, we were greeted by the proprietor, namely, Bukkororii’s dad. “Pardon us,” I said. “Would Bukkororii happen to be here?” “Oh, Megumin, it’s you. Welcome! If you’re looking for my boy, he’s still asleep.” …Ahem. “Well, if you’ll excuse my asking, could you wake him for us? As a matter of fact, he told us, ‘There’s something I’d like to ask a couple of sweet young girls like you… Pant, pant…!’” “That son of mine!” Bukkororii’s father immediately went storming upstairs. “Th-that’s not nice!” Yunyun exclaimed. “True, that’s more or less what Bukkororii said to us but also completely different!” “This is the least one ought to do to a NEET who calls people to a meeting and then casually oversleeps.” We heard some shrieks and bellows from upstairs, and then Bukkororii came tumbling to the main floor. “Yeeeek! Ugh, Megumin! You’re the worst! My old man smacked me awake, shouting about me being a jailbait-loving bastard or something!” “I believe it is the just deserts of those who ask for help and then sleep straight through the scheduled meeting time. Come now—let us go!” “Hey, wait just a second! I haven’t even gotten dressed!” When we left the shop after Bukkororii had finally gotten dressed, we went to the only café in town with an unusual menu. “Yunyun, order whatever you like. Bukkororii will be paying, so don’t hesitate to get anything at all. Oh, as for me, I’ll have whichever parfait has the most calories.” “Aren’t you supposed to wait for me to offer to pay?! I hardly have any money…” “I’m pretty full, so, uh, just water for me… Megumin, didn’t you say you already ate a lot this morning?” When we had finished ordering, we turned once more to Bukkororii to find out what he wanted. “Sorry for dragging you out here,” he said. “You might be able to guess why I’m asking for your help. The truth is, I… I’m in love!” “What?!” “Even though you are a shiftless NEET?!” “Being a NEET has nothing to do with it! Even NEETs eat and sleep—and we love, too!” Yunyun and I, however, were no longer listening. “H-he’s here about love! Megumin, he wants our advice on love!” “I never imagined anyone in our village would accept someone so bittersweet as this… Which reminds me, who is it? Could it be someone we know, perhaps? For that matter…could it be one of us…?!” “Hey, watch it. Think of the age difference, you two. I’m not some jailbai— H-hey, stoppit! Stop, both of you! I’m sorry, so stop trying to pour Tabasco in my coffee!” After this flurry of apologies, though, Bukkororii suddenly turned very serious. “…Ahem. So the person I’m in love with is…” 2 In light of their immense magical power, it was common for Crimson Magic Clan people to end up in magic-related jobs. They might create magical items or craft potions. And then there was the woman with whom Bukkororii was unrequitedly in love, who ran a perfectly ordinary fortune-telling shop. Like any Crimson Magic Clanner, she loved training and spent her free time alone in the mountains practicing finishing moves. We left the café and headed to her shop. “I cannot believe the object of your affection is Soketto. For a NEET, you have awfully high standards.” “What, can’t a NEET want the best for himself? Listen to me, Megumin—people should aspire to something great. Not just in love but in life, too. I want to be something more than just a cobbler…” “But if you wish to date someone, perhaps finding some work first would be advisable…” While Bukkororii took the conversation in a strange direction, I thought about Soketto. “You are dealing with the person known as the most beautiful woman of the Crimson Magic Clan. And you are…not really known as anything. Just a NEET with no future, reluctant to take over his father’s business… Look, Bukkororii, Yunyun and I will keep you company today, so how about you just give up?” “Don’t be all logical about this! Maybe she’s one of those weirdos who likes worthless men. First we have to at least find out what her type is.” “I see you recognize that you are a worthless man. I can respect that. Eh, okay, we have time to kill. Why not give it a shot?” “U-um, if you know you’re worthless, why not make an effort to become a more worthwhile person? Not that I mind trying to find out Soketto’s type…” Bukkororii, blatantly ignoring Yunyun and me, took a few bold steps forward. It seemed he wanted us, the women, to find out from Soketto whether she was currently interested in anyone and, if not, what kind of person she would be interested in. That was what he had really wanted from us all along. “I do think you could at least ask her her type by yourself. You might even stumble into an actual conversation that way.” “If I had guts—or social skills—do you think I would still be a NEET? …Ooh, there she is!” Bukkororii sounded weirdly proud of his question but was distracted when Soketto emerged from her shop. We watched her from a distance, hidden among the trees. In front of her fortune-telling establishment, the girl known as the most beautiful woman of the Crimson Magic Clan had a broom in hand and was sweeping away. A totally mundane activity elevated to the status of art by Soketto’s sheer beauty. “She’s as gorgeous as ever… I wish I could be trash littered by her feet…” “NEETs are already trash, so you’re halfway there.” “M-Megumin!” As we watched, Soketto took a big stretch and then, unfortunately, retreated back into her shop. That’s when it came to me: a brilliant idea. “Bukkororii! That’s it!” “Wh-what’s it? My trash strategy? Uh, I really think we should leave that freaky role-playing stuff for later in our relationship…” “Do not be stupid; that is not what I have in mind! A superb idea just occurred to me. Soketto runs a fortune-telling shop. And they say she is very good at what she does. So have her tell your fortune! Yes: Ask her, Bukkororii, who your future lover will be!” “Ahhh! That might just work!” Yunyun said. “If she sees herself in his future, he wouldn’t have to confess his feelings, and they could start dating—simple! And if she predicts some other woman, that proves it won’t work with her…” I suppose that would all hurt a little less than confessing to her and just getting shot down. Bukkororii, however, was not wholly on board. “You misunderstand NEETs. If I had the money to get my fortune told, I would be in there every single day.” “I believe this means we are free to go home, yes?” We turned to leave, causing Bukkororii to bow madly in apology. However, there was still one problem. “Hey, even if we go into Soketto’s shop…wouldn’t just asking about her type be a little…sudden?” Very true: Bukkororii was not the only one who had never been in Soketto’s shop. How were we supposed to ask such a question out of the blue? Bukkororii crossed his arms, looking very serious. “So it’s come to this. Looks like I’m gonna have to scare up the money to get my fortune told…!” 3 The vicinity of Crimson Magic Village was populated by powerful monsters, the kind the average adventurer would be hard-pressed to get away from safely, let alone fight. The pelts and internal organs of these threatening creatures could fetch a high price. Thus, we headed for the woods near the village, on the hunt for such profitable monsters. “H-hey, Megumin… Are we sure about this…? I know Bukkororii is with us, but if we get attacked by a bunch of enemies at once…” “Oh, I suspect it will be fine. This NEET has the kind of time on his hands that only a NEET could have, and I think he spends quite a bit of it in this forest hunting for experience and pocket change.” “Quit it with the NEET business already. Even unemployed losers have human rights, okay? …Gotta say, I’m not seeing any monsters, though. I guess it’s because I went around with other people with time to kill and finished off all the big ones the other day so that you guys could have your combat practice… Oh, there’s one, finally!” Bukkororii, walking at the head of our line, lowered his voice. He was looking at a black creature digging up a tree root. It was a One-Punch Bear: a monster whose powerful forelimbs could take off a man’s head with a single swipe. “A One-Punch Bear, eh?” Bukkororii said. “Their livers are supposed to go for a lot of money… Perfect.” He started chanting a spell, and then… “Light of Reflection.” The magic activated. At the same moment, Bukkororii, who had been walking just ahead of us, vanished. His spell must have bent the light to make him invisible. We could see his footprints advancing through the grass, so even though we couldn’t see him, we knew he was getting closer to the monster. The bear stood up, sniffing the air. And then… …it looked straight at us. ““Huh?!”” Yunyun and I thought we had been well hidden, but suddenly we were locking eyes with a monster. It gave a joyful roar at discovering fresh prey and charged at us. “Yunyun, your dagger…! You must be carrying your dagger! Yunyun, my awesome rival, fight for me now!” “Don’t start calling me your rival all of a sudden just because you need a little help! Anyway, I can’t possibly fight off a bear with nothing but a knife!” The thought of running away crossed our minds, but the monster was shockingly fast! And Bukkororii! Where was Bukkororii?! “Where is that damn NEET hiding?! Bukkororii, hurry up and kill this thing!” “Ahhhh, i-i-i-it’s coming this waaaaaaaaayyy!” The One-Punch Bear was practically on top of us. “Light of Saber!” Bukkororii suddenly appeared out of thin air, shouting and waving his hand. A beam of light followed the slicing motion of his arm. That beam, in fact, passed straight through the One-Punch Bear, which had never even turned around. The light ran from the bear’s shoulder down across its belly. It kept coming at us for another couple of seconds, then fell clean in two. “Phew… Usually they just look around a little, even if they notice my scent. They’re not usually so interested… So what did you both think? How was that for timing? If Soketto was in danger, I could jump out and save her right about th— Eeeyowch! H-hey, wait! I’m sorry! But what Crimson Magic Clansman wouldn’t want to pick the perfect moment…?!” Yunyun and I just kept punching him on the shoulders. “Listen, kids, we don’t have time to play around. If we don’t do something about this dead monster, other creatures are going to smell the blood and come running.” Bukkororii dusted himself off as he picked himself up from the ground. “I don’t believe you have the authority to say that, seeing as you’re the reason we’re angry in the first place. Grab that bear’s liver and let’s go home.” Sometimes when groups of Crimson Magic Clan members went hunting together, they deliberately left a body exposed in order to attract more prey. We, however, had only one NEET layabout to fight for us… “Hey…” Yunyun tugged on my sleeve. I looked at her to discover her staring at something directly behind me, her face pale. And then… “L-l-l-look…” She pointed with a trembling finger. Feeling distinctly uneasy, I turned around, and…! “Let’s get out of here! Bukkororii, forget about the liver! Your plan failed!” “Eeeeyikes, wait for meeeee!” ““““Grrrahhhh!”””” There was a whole pack of One-Punch Bears behind us, and they weren’t happy about what we’d done to their friend! 4 “Now then, Yunyun. Shall we go home for lunch by-and-by?” “I certainly think so. Well, I’ll see you at school tomorrow, then.” “Wait! Don’t abandon me! I’m begging youuu…!” We had run all the way to the village, and now Bukkororii was tearfully trying to stop us from just going home. He was covered in mud from his attempts to draw off the rest of the bears. I had to admit, the sight of a snotty, mud-spattered NEET prostrating himself in the dirt in front of us was enough to evoke anyone’s sympathy, but… “…Sigh. Very well. Just please be a mature adult and don’t bow down to students. We can spare a few more minutes for you… Still, I wonder what we should do. How do we proceed with our plan to get to know Bukkororii’s potential love interest…?” “I’ve got a different question,” Bukkororii said dejectedly. “Why were those One-Punch Bears even there? They don’t normally form packs…” “My dad said things have been strange in the forest lately. I wonder if it has something to do with why the monsters are behaving so unusually,” Yunyun said—but there was no way for any of us to know. “In any event,” I started, “we will achieve nothing standing around here. Shall we go back to Soketto’s shop?” Thus, we headed back to our starting point, but… “…The sign says she’s gone out. I wonder where Soketto could be,” Yunyun said. We felt Bukkororii put a hand on each of our shoulders…