Chapter 5

1 “Megumin! I’m sure you know we’ll be having another contest today!” It was a beautiful, clear day out, probably in response to the weather-control ritual a certain teacher had performed. When I arrived in the classroom, Yunyun was waiting for me. She seemed unusually upbeat today. And then I realized why. Hanging at her hip was the dagger she had bought the day before. She kept pointedly shifting it around so that it would be noticeable. How obnoxious. Was she hoping I would compliment her on it? As I was not Yunyun’s boyfriend or anything, I didn’t intend to go out of my way to indulge her girlish whims. “Very well, I accept. But since I have no skill-up potion to wager, what shall I offer if you win?” “Your wager… W-well, okay, if I win, Megumin, you have to do any one thing I say…” “Agreed. As a favor to you, I will even pick a form of contest that will be advantageous to you, Yunyun. The contest will involve that very cool dagger hanging at your hip. What do you say?” “My dagger? Okay. I don’t know what kind of contest you have in mind, but I’m game!” When Yunyun, brimming with confidence, was seated at her desk, I put my hands down flat on the desktop. “Here are the rules: You attempt to stab that dagger in between my fingers, one after another. If you cannot reach ten—once in between each of my fingers—you lose. Simple, no?” “Hold on! Just a second! There’s no way I can do that!” “It will be all right; I trust your skills, Yunyun. And if you do stab me, I will endure. Now, on your mark! One, two…” “I give up! You win—again!” Yep: just another average morning… “…Phew! Well done. Another delicious meal.” “Awww… You could stand to do a normal contest once in a while…” Yunyun sniffled, taking back the empty lunch box I held out to her. “…Come to think of it, Yunyun, how many more points do you need before you can learn Advanced Magic?” “How many points? Another…three points. With three more points, I’ll be able to learn Advanced Magic. And then… Well, I guess that’ll mean graduating… Megumin, what about you?” The Crimson Magic educational system was simple: When you learned a spell, any spell at all, you graduated. I glanced at my Adventurer’s Card and saw that the number of skill points it listed was forty-six. In the AVAILABLE SKILLS field, ADVANCED MAGIC was listed next to a glowing number thirty. But the spell I wanted to learn was Explosion. And for that I needed… “Another four points, it looks like. So I guess if things keep on like this, you will graduate before I do, Yunyun.” “What?! W-wait a second, Megumin. You always get better grades, so how can you have fewer points than I do? Wait—what?! Am I going to graduate alone…?!” While Yunyun was still discombobulated, the teacher came in. The hubbub in the classroom fell quiet as he came to the lectern and prepared to call roll. “All right, everyone, take your seats,” he said, and then students answered as he read off their names. “…Dodonko! Funifura! Nerimaki!” Our class was small, only eleven students, so my turn came around soon enough. “Megumin! ……Oh, and Yunyun!” “P-present! …Teacher, what was that pause before my name? Did you say ‘Oh, and’? You were about to forget me again, weren’t you?” “All right, time for class! …Is, ahem, what I’d like to say. As a matter of fact, the monsters around the village have been unusually active lately. The principal has asked me to work with one of the village NEETs…er, I mean, a young person with time on their hands to hunt down the monsters, so you all can go home after lunch. Until then, study on your own in the library. Get to it!” Then the teacher summarily left the classroom. Yunyun’s eyes were still teary from having her question ignored. This was Crimson Magic Village, a place even the Demon King’s army feared. It was extremely unusual for monsters to be active around here. Normally they didn’t even get near the village… With those thoughts whirling in my mind, I wandered around the library looking for a book. I wanted to find the sequel to the odd story I’d read the day before. The Unfettered Lord, Vol. 2… The Unfettered Lord, Vol. 2… Ah, there it was. “Yunyun, I have been looking for that book you’re carrying. One of the several books you’re carrying, actually, so if you aren’t going to read it right away, may I read it first?” Yunyun was carrying The Unfettered Lord, Vol. 2 along with several other titles. “Er… I don’t mind, but, Megumin, do you even read books like this? Anyway, here.” Then she passed me two different books: one titled Goblins Can Make Small Talk, Too and another called How to Make Friends and Influence Monsters. “Who asked for these books?! I meant The Unfettered Lord!” “What? Megumin, you like this series, too?! Isn’t it great? I’ve read it so many times! This is the second volume, The Fake Ruler. I can’t believe the elderly councillor would go on a journey with two fake attendants; what an incredible twist…!” “No spoilers! …But I must question the choice of your other books. The titles alone sound awful. They’re just…just too terrible…” “Stop it, Megumin—what’s with the pitying glance?! Here, look at this; it says even cacti have feelings! So we could be friends with plants…!” …There was something wrong with this girl. “My goodness. If you are so desperate for friends, then just retract your declaration of rivalhood with me, and…” “Man, Yunyun. Are you reading that stuff again? If you want friends that badly, I’ll be your friend. How about it?” I turned toward the interruption and saw the same girl who had spoken to Yunyun earlier. It was our classmate…uh, our classmate… “Well, if it isn’t Funikura,” I said. “Becoming a friend is not something one does for someone. It happens naturally.” “It’s Funifura! You could at least remember your classmates’ names!” Yunyun rushed up to the aggravated Funifura. “What was that? What did you say just now?!” “Y-yikes! Yunyun, too close! I just said I would be your f-friend…!” Funifura had pulled back, afraid, as Yunyun looked at her with eager eyes. Yunyun nodded several times, her face turning red. Ahhh! So Yunyun, the forever alone, was to have a friend at last! I had been somewhat worried for her future (not that it had anything to do with me), but now I could at last set my heart at ease…! “I… I may not have much to offer, but I look forward to our friendship!” “Uh, Yunyun, you do understand how friends work, don’t you?! Or… Don’t you?!” …I could set my heart at ease…maybe… 2 “Come on, Yunyun! I’ll give you a new one! It’s just a rubber hair band. I can give you another! Look, Megumin feels bad about it, so just let it go!” “But that… But that…! That was the first thing I ever got from a friend…!” It turned out I could not set my heart at ease at all. Funifura, it seemed, had given Yunyun a hair band with the advice to make herself a bit more fashionable. Yunyun was so happy to get it that she had gone back to the classroom and stashed it carefully in her desk. And then… “Why were you even looking through my desk anyway, Megumin?! Why would you shoot around and play with rubber bands?! What are you, a child?!” I had tired of reading my book and had gone back to our classroom, where I’d passed the time shooting rubber bands out the window. Apparently, Yunyun’s had been among them. Currently, her hair band was hanging from the highest branch of the tree outside the window, completely unreachable. I was seated in a formal posture on the floor. “You are misunderstanding. I could see a bagworm hanging on the branch outside the window. It bugged me more and more until I could no longer resist the urge to shoot it down, but because I failed to do so using the rubber bands in my desk, I just decided to borrow some more…” “You didn’t ‘just’ anything! What’s a young girl even doing shooting rubber bands at a bug?! Arrrgh…!” My head was bowed deeply; Yunyun could only sigh. “Dear Funifura, I’m so sorry! And after you went to all the trouble of giving that to me! I was planning to put it in a safe when I got home…!” “Seriously, you don’t have to do all that! That’s going a little overboard! Anyway, hair bands are for using, not for…safe-ing!” Funifura seemed like she was discreetly drawing away from Yunyun. “Come on—it’s almost lunchtime. Let’s grab Dodonko and go eat.” It was the most casual of remarks. “C-could we?! Eating lunch together… Why, it’s like we’re really friends!” “That’s because we are friends! Didn’t we already cover that?” It seemed Yunyun was still working off the hangover of being a loner for so long. “That’s a good idea. It is just the right time to have some lunch and then go home.” I rose from where they had forced me into a formal sitting position on the floor, following them… “…Megumin, did you even bring a lunch?” Yunyun asked. “I did not.” “That won’t do!” Funifura exclaimed. …This was bad. I had just realized something terrible indeed. I was perfectly happy for Yunyun having made some friends. But at the same time, a precious lifeline for poor indigent me had been cut off. As Yunyun clutched her packed lunch and prepared to leave, I made a point of wandering around by her. “Megumin, um… I might be able to spare just half my… Hey, no hugging! Don’t worship me!” They say three’s a crowd, and when it’s three young women, it’s a very noisy one. “I’m sure that guy is, like, totally into me! But I don’t know what to do! I’ve got, like, this other guy, and in our past lives we swore to be together when we were reborn, right? So is this, y’know, cheating? I just don’t know!” “Aww, I think it’s fine. Past lives are the past. This is now. Me, my destined one is a hot guy being held in the deepest depths of the darkest dungeon…at least, in my dreams. I mean, anyway, I’m pretty sure he is, so I can’t wait to learn some magic and go rescue him.” This conversation was making me cringe. “W-wow, you guys are amazing!” Yunyun, wearing a nervous smile, attempted to contribute. We were sitting with our classmates Funifura and Dodonko, having lunch, but the discussion so far had been one unbroken stream of frankly mysterious talk of romance. It seemed they had started to confuse some love story they’d made up in their heads with reality. “What about you, Yunyun? Who’s your type…? Er, I mean, who were you with in your past life?” Dodonko asked, spearing some salad with her fork. “Me?! Um, I’d like somebody quiet and mature, who’ll nod along and listen while I talk about my day…” “Boring.” “Yeah, no imagination.” “Well, I suppose that cannot be helped, Yunyun being so strange and all,” I offered. “Incidentally, as I was a deity of destruction in my past life, I had no lover. Ah, thank you for the meal, by the way; that was delicious.” “Strange?! Hey, am I really strange?! Wait, Megumin, I said half! You ate it all!” 3 We were on the way home from school. “I’m so glad you finally made a friend,” I said to Yunyun, who was walking beside me. “You’ve been alone so long that I started to worry maybe you were a stinkbug in a past life, which would explain why nobody wanted to be friends with you even in this life. Truly, I was concerned.” “It’s not like I enjoyed being by myself! …Gosh, Megumin, your mouth. There’s some sauce here. A young lady like you could stand to pay some attention to your appearance, you know?” She dabbed at my mouth with her handkerchief in a very motherly way. “I had been afraid that you would grow into a total naïf who could easily be taken in by some villainous man just because he claimed to be your friend, so I’m glad to know I need not worry so much now.” “Yeah? Well I worried that you might grow into someone totally helpless who could be taken in by some villainous man just because he said he would treat you to a meal, and I’m still worried.” My eyes met hers, and I jumped backward. “What an interesting thing to say. Do you take me to be so easy that I would just toddle off after any man who dangled some food in front of me?” “You’re the one who made fun of me first, Megumin. Or do you think I’m so easy that I would wander away with any guy who used the word friend on me?” We stood there, facing each other down right in the road, each of us grinning weirdly at the other. “I can just picture it,” I said. “A young man comes along, croons, ‘We’re friends, aren’t we?’ and off you go!” “Well, I can just picture you getting lost because you’re so helpless and then breaking into tears and begging some guy who’s totally the opposite of your type for food!” …It was time to settle things with this self-proclaimed rival of mine! I struck an intimidating pose; Yunyun took up a fighting stance, too, keeping a wary eye on me. But at that most fraught of moments, someone called out to us. “Well, if it isn’t Megumin!” I looked over and saw the cobbler’s son from our neighborhood. “Oh, Bukkororii. What brings you here?” Bukkororii was something of an older brother to Komekko and me. He spent most of his time lolling around his house on the grounds that he was “saving up my power until the day the world needs me.” It was most unusual to see him out-of-doors. “I’ve heard the monsters are getting more active. Some of them are even coming close to the village. I’ve been around exterminating the beasts. They told me the day the world needs me has finally come, and I couldn’t be more excited!” Come to think of it, our teacher did say something about a village NEET hunting the monsters. Maybe the adults had just managed to score some free labor out of Bukkororii, but he seemed so happy about it that I decided not to say anything. “I saw a really weird monster, too. I wonder what it was. Did we ever used to have something like that around here…?” In the middle of his muttering, Bukkororii suddenly caught Yunyun’s eye. “…My name is Bukkororii. Arch-wizard and wielder of advanced magic… First among the cobblers’ sons of the Crimson Magic Clan and he who shall inherit the shoe shop…! You’re the chief’s girl, aren’t you? Nice to meet you.” “Oh! Uh, I-I’m Yunyun. Nice to meet you…” Yunyun blushed, evidently embarrassed by Bukkororii’s overdramatic self-introduction; she looked at the ground and greeted him in a small voice. What a waste of an excellent chance to introduce herself. I knew this girl was strange. “So what are you two up to anyway? It kind of looks like you’re having a battle.” “That’s right! This young woman and I were about to engage in a blood-soaked duel to determine which of us is the greater! Now, Yunyun, have at it!” “Wait! I thought we were just going to have a normal contest! I’m not ready for any blood-soaking!” 4 I opened the door of our ramshackle house and called out, “I’m hooome!” Pattering footsteps came rushing through the hall and I was greeted with “Welcome back, Big Sis!” Komekko came dashing into the entryway with a huge smile on her face. Her cheeks had mud on them, as did the hem of her robe. It looked like she had been off playing somewhere again. “Komekko,” I said, “I don’t know where you’ve been, but I hear there are monsters coming right up to the borders of our village. I’m told some of them are especially bizarre. So don’t go walking around by yourself too much, okay?” “Uh-huh! I won’t go walking around too much!” “…Just stay inside until I tell you it’s safe.” As I took off my shoes just inside the front door, Komekko handed me a piece of paper. “…? What’s this?” “This really pretty but really pale lady came by earlier, and she said, ‘Is there a renowned maker of magical items here?’ and I said, ‘No, there’s no renowned maker of magical items here,’ and so she said ‘Oh, I see’ and went away, but she left this piece of paper.” …? On inspection, I saw that the paper was an order for a magical item. Next to the order itself was an inscription in stunningly beautiful handwriting: I have been struck on many occasions by your most impressive items. It would be my pleasure to begin a good relationship with your shop… It went on to praise my father in rather fulsome terms. …It was true; my father did make magical items for a living. But in spite of the powerful magic with which he imbued all his creations, every single one of them was a dud. Our visitor must have had him confused with someone else, even if I couldn’t imagine who. And if not, then she had one twisted understanding of how business works. “I’m sure it’s a mistake or a prank,” I told Komekko. “It looks like the shop’s address is in Axel, that town with all the novice adventurers. Her name is…” But before I could quite get to the end of the letter, Komekko tugged on the sleeve of my robe. “Sis, I’m hungry! Make some food! I brought the ingredients!” “All right, all right, don’t pull… I don’t remember us having a lot of stuff to eat, though. Maybe there were some extra vegetables on hand?” I allowed Komekko to drag me to the kitchen, where some spices and plates were already out, and there was even a stewpot standing ready. The limp remains of some vegetables sat beside it. Well, it was no worse than an average dinner in our destitute household. Vegetable soup, then? But just as I was thinking that, I heard the pot rattle a little. “…?” When I opened the lid… “…Er, Komekko, I think we should wait until she fattens up a little.” “She fattened! She’s fatter today! When will we be able to eat her? Tomorrow?” “Th-that’s still a little early. Just be patient, okay?” I’d made sure to give Komekko plenty of breakfast that morning, in hopes that our houseguest would be safe for the day. But clearly, I was going to have to start taking her to school. Yes, that’s what I’ll do, I thought as I lifted the shaking Ink out of the pot.