Because I was still agonizing over it.
Agonizing over something wasn’t a no, at the very least. Even Miyako-san said so.
That’s right—I wasn’t saying no. I was just stopping to think and be cautious.
I already knew exactly what I was being cautious about. But that only made me want to take it even more seriously.
But in spite of my serious efforts, the answer wasn’t immediately making itself clear.
I thought I had learned a lot by now.
And yet, I had encountered so much affection since then, and now here I was.
Once again, I was turning things over in my hands, comparing them, and thinking.
I wonder what love really is.
>Will you be on campus tomorrow?<
>>Yeah.<<
>>Why do you ask?<<
>I have something to tell you.<
>Can we meet?<
>>I’d be happy to!<<
>>Oh, wait. Should I be happy, though?<<
>>Wait, wait, wait, is that what you wanted to talk about?<<
>>Aaaaahhh.<<
>Calm down.<
>But yes, I do want to talk about that.<
>>There’s no way I can calm down, then.<<
>>Nope nope nope.<<
>If you can’t, then…<
>I suppose let’s call it off.<
>>Senpai, you’re too quick to decide things.<<
>>But if you ask whether I’m usually calm…<<
>>like, probably not.<<
>Right.<
>Well, until tomorrow, then.<
>>Whaaat?<<
>>There’s still six hours left in the day today.<<
>>Tomorrow is so far away…<<
>Please relax.<
>Our conversation isn’t going to be that bad—I think.<
The next day, I spotted Edamoto-san running over to me, pale-faced. If she wasn’t moving as quickly as ever, I would have questioned whether she was physically okay. In fact, her perpetual level of energy was nothing if not reliable.
“Good afternoon.”
“It’s not even noon yet.”
Her movements were stiff, as though she had gotten mixed up in potato starch. The hand perched on her elbow, which was bent at a right angle, fluttered like a flag. Before long, she seemed to lose the strength to do even that much and stiffly lowered her arm.
“Your face looks awful.”
“That’s so mean.”
“…Your complexion looks awful.”
When I made that slight correction, Edamoto-san seemed relieved. Was she fine with that, then?
“It’s probably just ’cause I haven’t really slept much… I could have hidden it with makeup, but there isn’t much of a point if I sweat it all off.”
Edamoto-san laughed, openly exhausted.
“I feel like I’ve told you many times already that you don’t need to rush so much…”
“I don’t mean to rush. When I try to keep up with my emotions, I naturally start running, that’s all.”
She explained the reason she was running in her own special way. For me, this seemed like a dubious reason at best.
The last time I had spontaneously started running was probably all the way back in my childhood, when I was chasing after a cat.
Edamoto-san leapt to my side, as though she were pouncing on something. A gentle breeze came to me along with her. As it did, I noticed something strange, and frowned automatically.
“…You smell like alcohol.”
“Huh?”
My underclassman averted her eyes awkwardly when I pointed this out.
“I was trying to calm myself down and, for some reason, there just so happened to be beer in my refrigerator.”
“I would think that’d actually make you feel even more of a mess.”
She must’ve had what you’d call a nightcap, I thought. Based on the color of her face, it didn’t look like it had been that effective.
“Besides, drinking too much isn’t exactly praiseworthy—you’re a minor. It’s not society’s rules that I’m worried about so much as your health.”
“Wait, I don’t drink that often, though.” Edamoto-san seemed flustered as she protested. If she did make it a habit, that would be a huge problem, especially at her age.
“And here I even made sure to tell you this wasn’t going to be a bad conversation.”
“But that just made it even harder to sleep…especially when you said it wasn’t that bad.”
Although Edamoto-san lamented, she didn’t show any sign of letting her lack of sleep drag her down—she was much faster than me, downright nimble, even. She circled around in front of me just like a dog.
“But I was definitely happy, too.”
What are you talking about? I asked with my eyes, and Edamoto-san gleefully laughed.
“Because this is the first time you’ve been the one to ask me to meet up,” Edamoto-san said, turning to face me and walking backwards.
Her voice pierced through to the back of my mind more sharply than the summer sunlight.
“Ahh…”
I really get that, I thought.
When it feels like you’re the only one whose feelings are running ahead, you’re bound to be anxious. You start to wonder how far you should really go and whether you’re in too deep. So if the other person reciprocates in some way, that’s enough to allow you to stop running and feel at ease.
When your heart gets too far, either from yourself or someone else, it becomes delicate and even weak.
And I am just as weak as anyone else.
“Well then, where are we going?”
Edamoto-san was already following me by the time she asked. Of course, I wasn’t just going to head to lecture right away. We gradually broke away from the uniform flow of students.
“To the back of the lecture hall.”
“Hm? The bench?”
“It’d be better if there weren’t many people around, right?”
“Oh, umm…yeah, you’re right. Plus I might end up crying again.”
“Right…”
Tears come from the most extreme emotions, both good and bad. So Edamoto-san really might end up crying.
As we walked in silence, I thought back on Edamoto-san’s tears from the first time we met.
“Sure is hot today.”
“It really is.”
That was the extent of our conversation on the way.
Soon, we arrived at the usual bench. …Well, I suppose not the usual per se, but this was where Edamoto-san and I met, and where we seemed to keep returning to time and time again. Since it was the place where we met, I suppose I could call it our origin.
I straightened my back as I sat down and gazed out over the scenery before me.
The series of green spaces were different from the nature that had enclosed my surroundings in the past, and the glitter of heat indicated the season.
With Senpai, it had been the courtyard; with Touko, it had been the student council; and with Edamoto-san, it was the bench behind the lecture hall.
When the time came to leave yet another place that was both the beginning and the end…
I wondered whether, this time, I would finally leave without shedding a single tear.
“Before I give you my answer, can I ask a question?”
“S-Sure.”
Edamoto-san’s arms and back were completely straight. A small rivulet of sweat flowed along her arm.
It looked good against her tanned skin.
“Why did you fall in love with me?”
My voice sounded slightly cold, though it might have been because of the shade covering the bench.
I’m not sure how Edamoto-san took that, but the blush on her cheeks grew a bit.
“Are you doing that one thing? Like, testing whether I’m sincere or something?”
“I’m just curious, that’s all.”
I wanted to know Edamoto-san’s point of view about what it meant to care for someone. Edamoto-san scratched her head.
“It’s kind of hard to say, but…maybe it was love at first sight?”
“Love at first sight?”