Because if it had been a guy, I probably wouldn’t be agonizing about it this much.
“If I had to pick one, then I think she’s on the cute side.”
And the women that I had fallen for until now had been on the beautiful side.
I wondered which type Edamoto-san preferred. I had kind of seen her ex-girlfriend’s face before, but it was just a glance, so I couldn’t remember what she looked like in detail. Thinking about it, my interest levels really are an extreme contrast.
I have a surprisingly clear recollection of things that interest me, but things that don’t interest me blur and drift into oblivion.
“Since you don’t know what to do, that means you don’t dislike this person, right?”
“Well, no.”
If anything… I started to say, but then I questioned myself. If anything, what?
Why had that particular phrase sprung to mind right away? I didn’t think I felt such strong affection for her that I would jump to If anything, quite the opposite, or something like that.
“Someone confessed to me in junior high once, too…”
“Well, aren’t you popular,” she teased. In point of fact, I had been confessed to several times in high school, too, but that wasn’t important.
“Back then, we dated even though I didn’t know what it meant to like someone… I ended up falling for that person after the fact, but it didn’t end well. She was the one who confessed to me—and the one who broke up with me.”
That might be why I was automatically suspicious to no small degree whenever someone showed me affection.
And yet, I myself fell for people so easily.
I think that I’m actually pretty soft on myself when it comes to that.
“And you’re worried it’ll happen again?”
“A little.”
Each time you failed at something, you would become wiser and more cowardly. My grandmother had once said something like that. And indeed, that was exactly what I was doing right now.
But I was sure that becoming wiser wasn’t a bad thing.
“It’s just that this time, I’m worrying about it optimistically. …It’s a strange way to put it, but that’s what I’m feeling.”
Something was definitely different this time around. I wanted to think that the difference was that I had gotten smarter.
“Right.”
Miyako-san’s response was gentle. That hadn’t changed since I had met her.
Though she could be a bit teasing at times.
“It’s all right if you worry about it a lot. I think that sincerity of yours is charming.”
“Thank you.”
It felt nice to be complimented so readily. Miyako-san had that rare trait of being good at praising others. Maybe it was because she worked in the service industry.
“I’m not quite asking for advice, but even talking about it like this does make me feel better.”
“Of course…”
I really did mean it. It wasn’t like Miyako-san was going to particularly give me advice.
An animal trapped in a cage is bound to become disgruntled. Thoughts are living things, too. They can’t be locked up forever.
“College, though, eh? That seems like so long ago now.”
She began to count on her fingers one by one but stopped in the middle of that as though she had realized something.
Then she looked up at me and laughed lightheartedly at my expression in response to what I’d just witnessed.
“Ahahahaha.”
“Ahaha…”
We laughed deliberately and forcefully, putting it behind us.
“That reminds me, I know a certain someone who once started dating a person because one never knows until they try it out.”
“You mean Hakozaki-sensei?”
Miyako-san didn’t reply but smiled as though she were reminiscing about something.
“You really are making the most of your youth,” she teased me lightly, but I felt something like guilt when she used the word “youth.”
The issue was with my age.
“Doesn’t one’s youth only last through high school?”
“College students aren’t that different, though.”
Perhaps that was true once you reached Miyako-san’s age.
“If you can believe it, I still consider myself to be in my youth, too.”
“Well…um, you certainly are young.”
“That was supposed to be a joke…”
While we each gave each other something of a forced smile, a particular mood swept over me.
Even college students weren’t much different from high schoolers…
On further consideration, I supposed it was true.
I couldn’t find a clear distinction between my high school self and my college self.
Naturally, I happened to run into the confessor in question on campus.
“H-Hey,” Edamoto-san gave me a flustered greeting.
“Good morning,” I responded, a little bewildered.
Did she always seem like that?
“Good morning…” she awkwardly bowed her head to me, which also seemed different from the Edamoto-san I knew.
We stood close to the main gate, exposed to the summer sun as the confusion intensified.
“Wait, this isn’t how things normally go. Um, how do I normally act again…?”
Edamoto-san frowned, tilting her head and scrunching her face in thought.
“We can just go on like usual… Oh, I guess the issue is what that’s supposed to look like.”
As her concern deepened, I too was starting to lose sight of what our relationship had been like in the past. Then, I remembered too late that she had confessed to me when we last met. I had told her I would think about it, and I really had done just that, but I hadn’t come up with a response yet. But regardless of all that, we had to go on with our college lives.
Still, as we walked together, there was definitely a slight awkwardness between us.
“Sayaka-senpai, did you get home all right the other day?”
“Yes, I didn’t have any particular issues.”
I was a bit full of it, to be honest. In truth, I couldn’t actually say whether it went all right or not, because I didn’t remember the process of getting there.
After I got on the train and sat down, my consciousness had faded in and out. The scene around me would suddenly light up or go dark. As the train car jostled, I felt like I was drifting up and down between dreams and reality. Maybe this was what it meant to blackout?
I had become a stereotypical college student—as I berated myself, I felt someone watching me.
When our eyes met, Edamoto-san’s face steadily changed color as she looked up at me. It started from the middle of her cheeks, faint and warm.
A warmth different from the one of summer reached my eyes.
“What’s the matter?”
“The matter? I think I told you already. I blurted out the whole, entire matter.”
“Right.”
Hearing that directly, I felt like I was being dragged into the same state of mind as her.
“I was just thinking it’s pretty embarrassing to be in front of the person you like after you’ve laid your heart bare.”
“Right…”
That simple reason was probably related to why I hadn’t tried to meet with Touko much since graduating from high school. Although it was hard to face that fact head-on.
“Maybe it would be better if we don’t see each other until you have a response.”
“Right…”
I was so unsure how to reply that I kept repeating the same thing. But really, there wasn’t much else I could say.