“They say she was an ordinary hard-working employee.”
“But you never know who people are on the inside.”
Today’s topic: an elementary school teacher who made a killing moonlighting as a professional pachinko player.
“To be fair, I think we all have a hidden side we’d rather keep private. What about you, Kizaki-kun?”
“Well, whenever I don’t have plans with anybody, my wardrobe is a hot mess. I’m talking schlubby.”
“Yeah, right!”
“No, I’m serious!”
“We actually have a photo of Kizaki-kun in his lazy day attire…” An image of Kizaki appeared on screen, dressed in a tracksuit.
“Oh, gimme a break!” Reflexively, I jumped to my feet. “I’m easily ten times more schlubby than that!”
“Is that something to brag about?” Ushio asked wearily.
“I mean, he’s wearing a designer tracksuit! That’s the kind of thing you wear while walking your toy poodle to the park! Or going to an overpriced cafe for your caffeine fix! And clearly it’s not that private if he’s willing to broadcast it on TV!”
“You get competitive over the absolute dumbest shit, I swear to god. You don’t have to keep watching it, remember?” Once the show transitioned to the weather forecast, he turned off the recording. “Y’know, for a guy who claims he doesn’t care, you sure are hyper-focused on him.”
“No, he’s focused on me!”
“Oh, you mean how he said he wants to outdo The News? Yeah, I saw it online.”
On the day of their launch, our ratings were 16 percent and theirs were 10 percent. Clearly they were no match for us—at present. There was no way to predict what would be popular with viewers.
“…I heard he applied for a position at our station before,” I mumbled as I shifted around on the bed.
“Who, Kizaki Ryou?”
“Yeah.”
“Well then, no wonder he’s so articulate at his age! He ends his sentences very…crisply, I guess? Each syllable is distinct. Meticulous word choice too. All in all, great to talk to.”
Ushio’s glowing praise made my scowl deepen. “You didn’t tell me that when I emailed you about it!”
“It’s too exhausting to type all that. That’s why I’m telling you now, in person.”
“Your animation shit is a thousand times more exhausting, and you do it every day!”
“Yeah, because it’s my job, same as you. Anyway, go on.”
“Huh?”
“Wasn’t there more to the story?”
“…He applied the same year I got hired.”
“Aha. So you screwed him out of the job.”
“Jesus, you’re such a dick! Not that I didn’t know that!”
“What are you so mad about?” He switched the TV off. “You told me you got in through dumb luck. But so what? If this guy wants the job so badly, then all he has to do is keep applying every year, right? There’s no rule that says only new grads can apply.”
“I mean…sure, but…”
“If you ask me, the modeling industry’s gotta be a billion times more competitive, but he seems to be doing just fine.”
The same could be said of me, so his argument didn’t really hold water, but it was reassuring to hear nonetheless.
“I wouldn’t normally care, but…stupid Minagawa had to go and tell me the guy probably wants to get revenge on me.”
“Yeah, because he knows it’ll get under your skin.”
“It’s not! Just stop talking about him already!”
“You’re the one who brought it up!”
“Okay then, I’ll change the subject. Tell me how to do a good wall-slam!”
“What?”
I briefly explained the task that had been foisted upon me. Obviously I would have rather kept it to myself, but here in the era of the internet, he was bound to find out one way or another. Besides, the longer I tried to keep it a secret, the more annoying it would be when he inevitably taunted me about it. Therefore, my strategy was to reveal it right out of the gate. Master tactician Kunieda Kei, that’s me.
“You’ll really do anything for your job, huh? I’m impressed.”
“I don’t have a choice when these plebs force me into it! Now give me a good wall-slam!”
“No way. It’s your job, so figure something out on your own. Golly, I can’t wait for Anchor Kunieda’s dreamy wall-slam… If it makes me pregnant, I’m gonna make him pony up…”
“Go to hell!”
Ugh, I never should have told you! I tried to kick him in the shin, but he dodged easily by hopping onto the bed. Then he scooted back against the wall.
“Here, I’ll help you practice.”
“Practice?” I scowled dubiously at his fishy word choice.
“Oof, that’s one ugly mug.”
“If I’m ugly, then 99.9999 percent of humanity is hideous!” Wait, no, that would still leave about 7,000 people. That’s way too many. It should be zero!
“Now, now, it’s your job, remember? Perfection is your motto, Kunieda-san, so you’d better do it right. Of course, if you’re too embarrassed, I won’t force you…but I feel like it’d be a lot more embarrassing to do it to a blank wall at your place.”
He had a point. Kneeling, I straddled his lap and pressed both palms against the wall on either side of his face.
Am I doing this right? Okay, now I say something romantic or whatever. “I love you” is too easy… Since it’s all about dominance, I need something aggressive that’ll make the girls squeal… Got it.
I looked down my nose at Ushio and said, “Empty your pockets.”
“Seven points.” He rebuffed me without batting a lash. “What is this, a shakedown?”
“I’m trying to be a bad boy.”
“It’s pretty bad, all right. Shouldn’t you say something more…anchor-like? A newscaster pickup line?”
“Hm… Okay, I’ve got one.”
“That was fast. All right, let’s hear it.”
I cleared my throat and said, “Would you like a private traffic update regarding your highway exit?”
“Five points.” He sighed loudly. “Are you even trying?”
“It’s useful information! What’s not to like?!”
“Everything! Y’know what, quit trying to be clever and just say ‘I love you’ flat out.”
“C’mon, that’s way too boring to make a video segment out of it.”
“Then fluff it up a little! ‘I love your blank’ or ‘I love you so much, I’m gonna blank!’ Stuff like that!”
“All right, I get it.”
“Are you sure? Okay, take three, here we go!”
“Seems like everybody these days is obsessed with creamy pudding, but I love the firm stuff.”
“Three points. I can’t believe you used your sexy voice for that.”
“Now wait a minute! The pudding is a metaphor for the girl in this scenario, okay? It’s an advanced technique!”
“Two points.”
“Also, just to be clear, these scores are out of ten, right?”
“Don’t get full of yourself. These scores are out of 20,000.”
“How could they possibly be that bad?!”
“I’m starting to think you’ve never dated a woman in your life.”
“Excuse me?!”
“How is it you can’t think of any normal pick-up lines?”
“Because I never needed to use this crap!”
As long as I put some effort into setting the scene, my date would gleefully fill the blanks with her own idea of romance. Clearly Ushio’s heart was made of stone.
“Riiight…”
“What, you think you’re better than me? You use your ‘awkward nerd’ schtick as a ploy to sweet-talk your way into people’s pants, is that it?”
“What are you talking about?” He looked up at me and laughed. “I’m a shut-in with a boring job and nothing else going for me. Obviously you’re the only one who’s ever tried to have a serious relationship with me. So…be gentle, okay?”
He wrapped his fingers around my wrist, and the sheer audacity of it set me off. “Screw you!”
“What’s the matter?”
“Don’t lie to my face!”
“If anyone’s lying here, it’s you.”
“Cram it!”
What the hell, man? I was the one in the dominant position, yet he somehow managed to make my heart flutter instead. It was infuriating. I had boxed in a tiny piece of the world, and here we were at the center, just the two of us. He leaned in until our faces were close enough to kiss.
“Mm…”
He slid a hand under the wristband of my ratty track jacket and began to play with the round bump of my elbow. It was an innocent gesture, and yet there was something provocative in the way he caressed the hard joint beneath my skin. Then, with his free hand, he hiked up the hem and his fingers traveled up and down my spine until eventually he plunged into my underwear, exploring its contents.
“Hey! Slow down, perv!” The orifice in question was dry and firmly shut. As eager as he was, my body needed time to get the message.
“I know, I know. Go grab the good stuff.”
“Why me?”
“Because you can reach it easier than I can. What, are you still embarrassed about lube after all this time?”
At times like these, he always looked so very pleased with himself for teasing me and it pissed me off. “Oh, shut up. I’ll grab it, all right? I’ll grab a hundred if I have to.”
“You wanna make this into a water park or something?”
I reached all the way to the headboard drawer, pulled out the bottle of lube, and turned back to Ushio, who already had his palm outstretched. “Hit me.”
“…How much?” Normally, he was the one in charge of this stuff, and he moved so quickly, I never had time to take note of such details.