The next day at 4 p.m., I was sitting in an empty corner of the staff cafeteria when someone called out to me. “Oh! Kunieda-kuuuun!”
What do you want, pleb? I’m on my break. Donning a pleasant smile, I greeted her. “Hello there.”
The woman wore a ton of huge, tribal-looking facial piercings, and all I knew about her was that she worked in production. She might’ve joined the company at the same time as Shitara, but I couldn’t remember.
“Listen, this is a little premature, but I wanted to talk to you about CineNight.”
“Yes?”
CineNight was a ten-minute segment on Saturday nights wherein a newscaster promoted an upcoming movie, often interviewing the director and cast. In other words, it was basically an ad block. Everyone on staff took turns as the presenter, and every three months or so, it would be my turn.
“You know how they just finished filming Caramel Days? Have you ever read the source material?”
“The best-selling shoujo manga?”
“Yeah, that!”
Like hell I’ve read it! And even if I had, I wouldn’t admit it publicly! “It would be a bit strange for a grown man, don’t you think?”
“Not at all! My little niece loaned it to me last week, and I really enjoyed it.”
No doubt it was the same old story about a high school maharaja, the chosen one, getting to enjoy a perfect life where every day was exciting. For some reason, whenever they adapted one of these school-life stories, the male actors never actually looked like teenagers and it was more like weird adults trying to cosplay as children—what was up with that?
“So anyways, it hits theaters this summer, and I was hoping you could be the one to promote it for CineNight. You’ll be interviewing the two leads.”
“Me…?”
Beneath my “perplexed” mask, I mentally stuck my tongue out and scoffed. Don’t be stupid! Sure, it was just for work, but it was implicitly agreed upon that presenters would be matched with films that fit their aesthetic. For example, Tatsuki handled a lot of action and comedy flicks, while I usually ended up with dramas and documentaries—the kind of stuff that would put me to sleep within five minutes if I actually watched them.
“If it’s adapted from a shoujo manga, then it’s a romance, right? Wouldn’t a female announcer be a better fit?”
“I thought about it, but there’s a reason I want you to do it instead. See, the male love interest is a well-mannered teacher’s pet, so it’s a perfect match for you! Well…except he’s secretly an arrogant jerk on the inside.”
Why does that sound so familiar?
Ultimately I had no right to decline, but this film preview was shaping up to be even more tiring than usual. Not only would I have to watch the movie, but I’d need to read the source material too, and I should research the actors’ work history. Granted, it was the director’s job to brainstorm interview questions and send them to the actors’ agents for approval, but if I didn’t do my homework in advance, it would become obvious all too quickly.
“When will we film it?”
“Sometime in July, I think.”
“Okay then, I’ll be sure to study up.”
“Oh, and there’s one other semi-related thing.”
You’re still not done, bitch? I thought to myself as I elegantly tilted my head to one side (though obviously she didn’t get the message).
“See, one of the movie’s selling points is that there’s a wall-slam every ten minutes.”
“I-I see…” For a movie with a two-hour runtime, that’d be twelve slams total. Why does this chick spend so much time with her back against the wall? Is she a ninja or what?
“And so I was thinking… It’d be great if you could do a wall-slam with the camera!”
“What?”
“I mean, the whole highlight of the movie is seeing a ‘mild-mannered’ sort of guy turn dominant all of a sudden. It’ll totally be a hit, I promise! Everybody on the team wants to see it! And since Asabi directly financed this movie, we wanna get people talking about it as much as possible.”
“Erm…” Careful to rein in my facial expression so my frustration wouldn’t show, I tried to think of a way to get out of this farce. “I-I mean, hasn’t the wall-slam trope stopped being trendy in recent years…?”
“Correct. It’s no longer ‘trendy’—it’s expected,” she declared firmly, and I couldn’t help but falter.
“But…I…I do have to consider the optics here. As someone who reads the weekday news, I’m not sure I should…you know… I mean, what would people say about me?”
This was my trump card…but even then, she was one step ahead of me. “Oh, don’t worry! I already got clearance from Shitara-kun.”
You went around behind my back? How thirsty are you for this stupid wall-slam?
“The film shoot’s still a long ways off, so you’ll have plenty of time to think of your own original smokin’-hot pick-up line!”
Come up with something myself? Ugh, is that better or worse than reading out someone else’s script on command?! For the time being, I typed in “wall-slam” and added an entry to my cell phone calendar for July. Absolutely ridiculous.