“Wha—Kou?!”
“Nope, lemme stop you right there, Kaito. It’s fine, really! Anyone would be interested; it’s nothing to be ashamed of! Everybody loves boobs!”
“I can’t believe it...” Kotou moaned disconsolately. “Even Kaito’s betraying me now? Is nobody left to heal my poor, wounded heart?”
“I, uhh, think you might’ve caught Tsumugi in the crossfire, Kou...” Kaito was right—she’d been the one to bring up Kiryu’s cup size in the first place, but big boobs were still her greatest weakness. You can’t let yourself get knocked out by your own topic, girl!
“So you like ’em big after all in the end, Kaito?!” she raged. “You like big ol’ titties like Kyou-chan’s or the president’s! You stupid oedipedo perv!” Wow, it takes a real pervert to be horrifying on both ends of the age spectrum!
“But, I dunno... Yours aren’t even that small, Tsumugi. Is it really that big of a deal?” Ohhh, no. You just stepped on a landmine, Kaito...
“Ah... Arggh...”
“Umm, Tsumugi?”
“Even you, Kaitoooooo?!” Kotou let out a heartbroken wail, then collapsed face-first onto the table. I see... So that’s what real crying looks like? Thanks for the reference, Kotou.
“Did I, uhh, say something mean...?” asked Kaito. The “Did I do something wrong?” act was an absolutely classic protagonist staple, but in this particular situation, it made him look just a little bit pathetically oblivious. Not to say that Kiryu or Renge were keeping up with the situation either, by the look of things. I figured it was the right time for me to jump in and lend a helping hand.
“Laisse-moi, Kaito.”
“Wait, why the French?”
“Kotou, you see, is an idiot.” Explanation complete. That should clear everything up. I’d love to see anyone try to sum up the situation more precisely or accurately than—whoa, holy crap!
A mechanical pencil nearly took my eye out. Kotou, who’d apparently mistaken my face for a dartboard, was beckoning in my direction, still facedown on the table. I glanced at Kiryu, just in case, but Kotou shook her head. I guess she really must’ve been watching me after all, somehow.
“Need something?” I said as I timidly approached her. The moment I was close enough, she grabbed my sleeve, pulled me right up next to her, and whispered in my ear. “Huh? A message? Why should I have to...oh? Ooooh, interesting! Okay, I get it—I like the way you think!”
I was a bit skeptical of the instructions she whispered to me at first, but as she went on and I sussed out her real intentions, I quickly changed my tune. Hell, I was actually impressed! Impressed enough to exchange a high-five with her, which was also impressive since she was still facedown.
“K-Kou?” stammered Kaito.
“Laisse-moi, Kaito. Laisse-moi.”
“Oh my, he’s like a middle schooler who’s just learned a new word,” chimed in Renge, but I had no time for her commentary.
“Silence, titizen!”
“...‘Titizen’?”
“Henceforth, I shall pass down the teachings of the great and honorable scholar Kotou! Perk your ears and prepare to receive her wisdom!” I cleared my throat. Kotou’s words carried a heavy, incredibly profound significance, and I’d need all the adrenaline my body could pump into my veins if I wanted any hope of conveying them properly. I paused for a moment, took a deep breath, then psyched myself up and jumped right in. “In this world, there exist two types of boobs!”
“Umm, Kou...?” Kaito interjected, but I wasn’t about to let him stop me.
“These aren’t my words; they’re the words of the great and venerable Kotou. Now then—Kiryu! What would those two varieties of boobs be?!”
“Wait, me?! Considering how the conversation’s gone so far...big ones and small ones, I suppose?”
“Bzzzt!” Kotou (still facedown) and I crossed our arms into “you’re wrong” ✕s. I might’ve been imagining it, but I could swear I saw a vein start throbbing in Kiryu’s forehead. Considering her hair was covering said forehead up, yeah, probably just imagining it.
“The correct answer is...boobs that are and boobs that aren’t!”
“So I was right after all.”
“Tch-tch-tch! We’re not talking in terms of size, Kiryu-san!”
“Okay, but still, isn’t that basically—”
“Oh, I understand!” chimed in Renge, cutting Kiryu off. “You mean in terms of value, do you not? Big breasts are desirable, of course, but small ones have the capacity to become a focal point in their own right as well. Kotou-san’s, however, are neither especially big nor especially small—they exist in the liminal space between the two extremes, and thus can lay claim to no particular individuality whatsoever. In other words, they’re virtually meritless.”
“Gwahuagh?!” Kotou reeled. Renge, bearer of the biggest boobs in the room, had calmly and cruelly analyzed the situation in excruciatingly accurate detail. Her words hit Kotou with all the force of an especially jiggly body blow. It’s super effective!
“Kotou?!” I cried. “H-How could you?! You didn’t have to be that brutally direct about it, did you?! Are you a demon, or what?!”
“You’re the one who was making a whole production out of it...” sighed Kiryu. “And besides, Kotou-san, weren’t you trying to drag Kunugi-kun into the ‘Tiny Titty Alliance’ just a moment ago?”
“Gahaugh?!”
“Kotou, no! Kiryu, how could you?! What kind of monster kicks a corpse while it’s down?!”
“I have to admit, Kou, Tsumugi really did bring this on herself.”
“Et tu, Kaito?! Hang in there, Kotou! Kotou? Kotooou?!”
Kotou Tsumugi: dead at the age of sixteen. The final blow: dealt by the protagonist himself. In her last moments, her final, deathly wail almost sounded like an attempt to call out someone’s name...
—Kunugi Kou, Record of a Young Girl’s Death by Self-Destruction
“Ughh...” Kotou moaned. “At this point, I have no other choice! I’ll have to kill Kunugicchi and live to see another day!”
“How’s killing me gonna help you at all?! And doesn’t that line usually end with ‘I’ll kill him, then myself’?!”
“I know killing you’s a crime, so I’ll own up to it! I’ll do my time!”
“H-Her moral foundation’s totally untouchable!”
“I do believe her moral foundation will have already crumbled at the point where she kills you,” interjected Renge. Her comment flashed through my and Kotou’s minds like a bolt of lightning—she’s right!
“So even if I kill Kunugicchi, I’ll still be a loser...?”
“Sorry. Honestly, I haven’t even been keeping up with your logic for the past few lines,” I admitted.
“If Kou can’t keep up, none of us can,” added Kaito. “I couldn’t understand what you were talking about from the very beginning.” He smiled, sure, but his casual admission was inadvertently cruel. C’mon, Kaito, that’s the part where you give her your best smile and say something like, “I love your boobs, Tsumugi! They’re like cute little rice cakes!☆”
“Okay, Kotou, I think that’s enough,” I said, sensing an opportunity. “Everyone’s sick of this bit, so let’s call it here, okay?”
“Not you too, Kunugicchi! B-But, wait, now that I think about it, you’re my last hope! You would bow down and worship any boobs, even totally unremarkable ones like mine, right? Right...?”
What kind of bizarre expectations do you have of me...? All right, fine, fine! Been a while since I really got serious, so I guess I can pull out the stops and give her a hand.
I took a deep breath, then shouted at the top of my lungs. “Kotou, your boobs are fan-friggin’-tastic! The! Best! They’re big enough to not be small, but small enough to not be big, which means they’re just right! People with boobs like yours are valid!”
“Hee hee, they are?”
“Hell yeah they are! Of course they are—they’re boobs; that’s literally all it takes! Every part of ‘boobs’ is utter perfection—from the ‘b’ to the ‘o’ to the other ‘o’ to the other ‘b’ to the ‘s’! Boobs are sublime! Boobs reign supreme!”
I was seriously bellowing at that point. Kotou was giggling bashfully, and absolutely everybody else was horrified. Chaos dominated what had once been a perfectly normal study party. But what happens at Kaito’s house stays at Kaito’s house! It’s better to regret the things you did than regret the things you didn’t! Having come this far, I, Kunugi Kou, feel a clear and unshakable obligation to see this through to the very end!
“Boobs are everything! In other words...”
“I’m home, Kaito! What’s going on in—”
“BOOBS! ARE!!! FOREVER!!!!!!!!!”
...Huh?
Is it just me, or did somebody other than me say something there?
“H-Hey, Hikari, welcome back! Wh-Why so early? I thought you were going out to study with your friends today?”
“Y-Yeah, I did, but the library’s air conditioner was broken, so...”
Hi-ka-ri? Hikari? As in, Ayase Hikari? Ayase Hikariii?!
She appeared out of absolutely nowhere, and her gaze was locked onto me even while she talked with Kaito. Her eyes were as wide as they could possibly be, and it was incredibly obvious she was more than a little put off. Wow, I might’ve just made as horrifying an entrance into her life as that awful old guy did! Ha, ha, ha...
“Oh jeez, way to be a creeper, Kunugicchi!”
Good news, Kotou! I’ll be doing time in your place! Speaking of which, any last words?