The day grew dark as the sun slowly sank in the sky, but we stayed at the park.
“Are you okay, Riku?” I asked, peeking behind the large slide.
Riku sat in one cranny of the jungle gym, face buried in his knees. No children were around now. The playful scent of greenery wafted through the air whenever the breeze rustled the trees in the deserted park.
“Riku,” I tried again, but he didn’t respond. I wondered what was going through his head as he sat there, hiding his face.
Once Iguchi-san disappeared from view, Riku had slunk behind the slide without saying a word. He’d done the same thing as a child whenever something bad happened. The other boys had often teased Riku because he was small, and he’d run away to conceal himself behind this slide until everyone was gone.
It had always been me who came to get him.
“Riku, let’s go home.” I’d reach out to him, and he’d finally stop cowering and take my outstretched hand. We’d walk home hand in hand just as the five o’clock chime began. But that didn’t happen today. However many times I called out to him, he wouldn’t move a muscle.
I was supposed to be running away from him. The irony didn’t escape me, but I pushed my feelings aside and bent down to squeeze behind the slide as well. The space, which had been wide enough to comfortably fit us both as children, now felt incredibly tight. We were practically poking our knees into each other, sending home the fact that we were well past the appropriate age to be in here. I’d thought the secret garden only existed in my room, but I realized Riku saw this as a special place for the two of us from way back.
The wind didn’t reach behind the slide, so the air was thick with the scent of the park—greenery mixed with a trace of lilacs. The scent of our perfume overlapped with the fragrance of our childhood.
“Let’s go home, Riku. It’s getting dark.” I placed a hand on his shoulder, but all he did in response was shake his head silently.
“Is what Iguchi-san said bothering you? Don’t worry about it, okay? We were rushing today. You only had light makeup on. On top of that, you were wearing sneakers.”
His wig was disheveled and tangled. Riku’s sweat had probably washed off all his perfume; his scent filled my nostrils.
“Everything’s going to be okay,” I said encouragingly.
Riku remained silent before finally replying in a trembling whisper, “No, it’s not.”
“Don’t worry about Iguchi-san. She’s not going to tell anyone what she saw. You can pull out all the stops for the festival and make everyone ooh and aah over you!”
“No.”
“Let’s go, Riku. You’ll hurt yourself, staying cramped in this tight space.”
The park darkened rapidly as the sun continued its descent. It was summer, but it still got chilly at night; if we stayed out too long in these light clothes, we might catch cold.
“Come on, let’s go.” I peered into his face, finally getting a brief look at his expression.
“I can’t do it anymore,” Riku mumbled. I thought he was crying, but his eyes showed no sign of tears. “I can’t be you.”
“Riku?” I asked uncertainly, reaching out to turn his face toward me.
He resisted at first, but as I pulled him closer, he seemed to give up and simply averted his eyes. “I can’t be you, Ichika.”
“Can’t be me?”
Riku shook his head and bit his lip, which still had the faintest trace of lipstick. “I’ve always wanted to be you, Ichika. I wanted to wear the same clothes as you, Ichika. I wanted your face, Ichika.” He was repeating my name so much, it almost sounded like incoherent mumbling. “We were the same when we were kids. I could wear the same clothes you could. No one got upset if I had long hair. I was able to be a girl, just like you, Ichika.”
We’d been just like sisters back then. I was taller, so he happily wore the hand-me-downs I gave him. When we played together while he was in a skirt, people took both of us for girls, but that didn’t bother either of us; we were just happy to be special to each other. But our bodies and hearts began to change as years and months passed by.
“I gradually stopped being able to wear your clothes. I bought some bigger ones, but they didn’t look right on me. Even if we wear the same makeup, I don’t look the same as you, Ichika.”
I paused. “Do you want to be a girl, Riku?” It was something I’d always wondered, but never dared ask.
Riku shook his head. “I wanted to be you, Ichika. You’re my perfect girl.” He finally met my eyes. “You’re the girl I’ve been around as long as I can remember. I thought we could always stay the same. But I just can’t do it.”
“You wanted…to be me?”
Riku looked away again and silently nodded. “But you’re you, so I can’t be you. Your body kept becoming a girl’s—but mine didn’t. It’s like the differences drove a wedge between us.”
So, he’d started to feel a sense of discomfort with his beloved doll.
“I looked for myself in you, but I couldn’t find a single similarity,” Riku continued. “Nothing about us was the same. You got prettier as each day passed, but I just started looking worse in makeup and girl’s clothes. It made me frustrated, jealous—and, most of all, sad that I wasn’t part of you.”
He’d been looking for himself in me.
“Ichika…I love you.” The words sounded painfully forced. “I was relieved to think some parts of us might be the same. That you saw me for who I was. But the more your body changed, the more it felt like the differences were pushing us apart. When I looked for myself in you, I found myself wanting to hold you, do unspeakable things to you, make you mine.”
He must’ve thought I’d put even more distance between us if I knew he felt that way.
His eyes were squeezed shut, but by the time he finished speaking, they’d opened, and large tears streamed down his cheeks.
“I’m sorry, Ichika. I’m so sorry.”
“Riku…”
Now that he could no longer hold back his tears, Riku sobbed like a child. “I’m so sorry, Ichika. I hurt you, didn’t I?”
Each time he wiped his eyes, streaks of eye shadow rubbed off, and his foundation was completely gone. Seeing him barefaced, I reached out to him.
“I want to hold you too.” I took his tear-drenched hand. “Touch me, Riku.”
He hesitated, trying to pull away as I pressed his hand against my chest.
“You don’t need to apologize. Search even harder; you’re in here somewhere.” I tucked his messy hair behind his ear and looked deep into his eyes. “I love you, Riku. I know you’re inside of me.”
Our affection for each other had gradually changed. We’d grown up best friends—sisters—and I was sure I’d betrayed those feelings first, since I fell in love with him. The way I saw him had changed. I’d wanted to hold him, have him all to myself, but I didn’t want him to know. So I’d tried to erase the parts of him inside me.
I was me, and Riku was Riku. We couldn’t stay the same forever, and we couldn’t adjust ourselves to match each other. The more our bodies developed, the more different they became. But I knew the feelings I had for him would never change.
Riku cupped my breasts shyly, his usual boldness completely gone. That made me giggle; there was something heartwarming about it.
He had an innocent heart. There was something almost fragile about it—like you could break it with a single touch. You wanted to keep it to yourself and destroy it with your own two hands, all at the same time.
I finally understood how he felt when he touched me. In his heart, Riku had been protecting me like his greatest treasure.
I cupped his cheeks in both hands. We were so close we could feel each other’s breath. His lips began to shape my name once more, but I silenced him with a kiss.