What’s more, Belle was confident that if Adonis were to appear, it would be here, in his room in the barracks. Maybe that was just wishful thinking, though. Adonis had never told her about anywhere but here, but if he did have another hideaway…
Just imagining it made her stomach churn with anger.
That’s not fair, you oaf.
She hadn’t known Adonis for very long, but in their brief time together they’d fought side by side, survived, cheated death, and grown close enough to talk about leaving on a journey together. So why was he being so distant?
Keep running from everyone else for the rest of your life if that’s what you want. Idiot.
Adonis’s cursed hands came to mind. Alluring hands. She recalled those claws turning the color of rust and the sword in his grasp wilting away.
But his hands were only a source of his problem. Adonis’s real problem was that he couldn’t accept his curse, and it made him afraid to touch others and be touched in return. He rejected people, thinking that he wouldn’t have to worry about his hands if he was alone. He kept trying to go back to his childhood, to the days when he’d thought his hands were normal, but it always failed. That was Belle’s read on Adonis’s mental anguish.
If you keep dwelling on it, your only option will be to cut off your arms.
Not that that would solve anything.
At this point, the sight of Adonis wielding a weapon struck Belle as tragic. When he swung a sword, it seemed like his only thought was to kill his opponent and wipe them from the face of the earth. There was no joy crossing blades with someone like that.
One couldn’t duel that type of person. A battle in which both sides simply tried to reject each other’s existence was the furthest thing from pleasure. It was nothing more than a warped form of amusement and a means of earning coin. Couldn’t he at least have the courage to love the swords he wilted, if only for a brief moment?
Coward…
Belle’s pity turned into irritation, which soon gave way to anger. She felt bad for Adonis, but at the same time she was upset with him, and the root of that anger was the feeling that Adonis was rejecting her.
I guess, in the end, it’s just my own pride…
Belle realized that while she couldn’t grasp the extent of Adonis’s torment, she was furious for self-centered reasons. But now, in this moment, she allowed herself to feel that way.
Belle was no one. She was transparent.
Having finished her three tasks, she had no reason to participate in duels or Schwertmusik. That meant she wasn’t a Solist anymore, either. Just a featureless figure in the crowd with Runding on her back. She lacked features from any race and had no blood ties to anyone. There was nothing to distinguish her for who she was. Just as the curse on Adonis’s hands had no name, Belle became a nameless, transparent, featureless presence.
But now, for the first time, she was hoping she could become someone. Her body trembled with expectation. She was going to become a Nomad, and she felt that if she had Adonis by her side, it would take on real meaning. Though why she thought that, Belle couldn’t say.
A messenger bird flower arrived at Belle’s room. It was from Gaff, summoning her to the castle before the red hour on a certain day. Since she had completed her last task, the king was waiting with the Key to open the Door of Journey, where she would undergo the final trial. Once Belle cleared that, no one would be able to restrain her or treat her as an outsider anymore. She would gain her own personal Thema and become a full-fledged Nomad.
She could almost feel Gaff’s joy through his written words. He was as happy for her success as if it were his own.
The message went on to say that no one would accompany her, nobody was allowed to bear witness to this trial, and ended with an apology from Gaff that he couldn’t come to tell her in person, since he was still recovering.
He’d sent a similar letter to Adonis’s room, but incredibly, even that wasn’t enough to bring Adonis out of Bamboo. Even the day before the trial, he still hadn’t shown himself. Belle could hardly believe it.
“Come on, it’s tomorrow. What are you doing?”
Her pity and even her fury had become exasperation. She stood in Adonis’s empty room, talking to him and reading out the letter from Gaff over and over, unsure if he was even listening.
“I hope this isn’t just you being stubborn,” she whispered with a bitter smile.
It was then that Belle made up her mind.
Having gotten to this stage, she was going to sit there and wait out of sheer stubbornness. She’d wait right up until the time of the trial, or even past it if it came to that, all to show Adonis that she wouldn’t undergo the trial if he wouldn’t show himself. At this point, it felt like she needed to bully him out of his isolation. To forcibly remind Adonis of Belle’s presence and make him stop wallowing in his own problems.
“So long as you don’t come out, I’m not doing my trial. How do you like that, you big idiot?” Belle said provocatively at the empty space.
She went back to her own room to get a change of clothes, where she found Kitty the Nothing sitting idly. The meal she’d prepared for him was gone—eating utensils and all.
Belle nodded, satisfied. “Looks like you ate it all. Now, don’t just eat anything that’s on the table. Or the table itself, for that matter,” she added, pointing to one edge of the table that was missing a small chunk.
As always, Kitty’s expression remained blank as he looked at Belle. He said nothing, but by now Belle could tell that this didn’t mean he didn’t understand what she was saying.
“I won’t be home tonight, so don’t go out without locking the door.”
She got the feeling his bottomless red eyes flickered for a moment. Taking that as a sign that he understood, Belle packed up her things and left.
Still, though, Belle thought along the way. Why am I so fixated on Adonis? When did I start caring about what other people do?
There was no reason for her to care for the Rabbitia, or to go so far as to make it meals, but doing so did give her a sense of satisfaction. Maybe this was that same sense of pride, or maybe she did it out of loneliness. She couldn’t tell. Either way, this was a change Belle never would have believed she was capable of back when she first came to Park.
I guess a person’s heart can change, after all.
Still, it didn’t feel real.