“—Once, when humans were fish, we must have loved the water. So now, as humans, I’m sure we are searching for water. We love to swim. We love to swim in outer space too.”
As he peered at the small aquarium in the science lab, he remembered Subaru saying those words. Tropical killifish were swimming inside.
Mitsuki stopped working and stared absent-mindedly at them. Those are called guppies, right? he asked himself. Chuppies?
“…I kind of envy you.” Yutaka spoke to him from behind.
“Hm?”
Mitsuki turned around, that absentminded look on his face, and she burst out laughing. Yutaka laughed often. She was very straightforward when it came to her emotions and had no qualms about showing her true feelings. Mitsuki, over the past several weeks, had realized this about her.
As usual, Mitsuki and Yutaka’s paths had crossed again.
Oh well, Mitsuki thought. Might as well enjoy it.
If the only time he had was now, he wanted to enjoy it to the fullest. Besides, Yutaka was fun to hang out with. You could joke with her as if she was one of the guys, and you didn’t need to worry about insulting her.
Even in Mitsuki’s current state, Yutaka’s presence made him feel very much at ease. He even felt almost redeemed of his guilt. Almost.
“I get this impression that you have your own sense of freedom, Asano. Or should I call it free will? I’m not sure, but it feels that way.”
“Yeah,” he answered. “But aren’t you the same?”
Mitsuki knew he was only “pretending” to be free. He was trapped by freedom and being manipulated by it. He was just trying very hard.
“I’m just pretending,” she confessed, as if echoing his thoughts. “I’m a fake. I’m just pretending to be free. I’m all wrapped up, and I’m just putting on airs. I wish I could be like you, Asano.”
Before he even realized it, Mitsuki was shaking his head. Then he remembered what the little girl had told him. He repeated those words now, startling himself.
“Nobody can take another person’s place.”
You are yourself. The only one… Nobody can take somebody else’s place.
People often wished they could be like somebody else. Mitsuki had wanted to become like Subaru. He had loved his sister very much. Even now, that feeling hadn’t changed.
Subaru had loved stars and swimming. She had taught Mitsuki many things. But she had passed away. She had died protecting her brother on the dry asphalt, where there were neither stars nor water.
His fond memories of her forced Mitsuki to want to take her place, but he couldn’t. Though he tried with all his might, he couldn’t be like Subaru. He was a miserable wretch, a coward.
Yutaka smiled at him bashfully. “Y’know,” she said, “since it’s summer, it’d be nice to go someplace.”
“Someplace?” he asked, confused.
“Uh, y’know, like the ocean or a pool?”
“You’re going to get into the ocean or a pool?” he exclaimed, skeptical.
“Well,” she continued, “it doesn’t have to be those kinds of places. I mean, it can be anywhere… y’know.”
“Then it doesn’t have to have anything to do with summer, does it?” he said. “Can’t we just ignore the whole summer thing?”
“That’s not what I mean! I-I want to go someplace with you, Asano!”
Incensed, she refused to say anything more. Mitsuki, on the other hand, couldn’t quite believe his ears. Surely she hadn’t meant what he thought she meant.
“Was that,” Mitsuki asked jokingly, “maybe… does that mean… that you like me? No way… Right?”
“O-of course not!” Yutaka was vehement. It would’ve been believable, but her face got redder by the second, despite the denial. An indication, perhaps, that Mitsuki’s guess was right on the money?
“A… Are you serious?” Mitsuki asked.
She nodded. “It seems that… I am.”
By now, her face was bright cherry red. She was a bit jittery and a little downcast.
“Well, what’s so good about me anyway?” Mitsuki knew it was dumb of him, but he asked anyway.
In turn, she said, “Hey. What do you like to eat, Asano?”
“What? Why ask that all of a sudden…?”
“Come on,” she urged. “Just tell me.”
“Hmm… hamburger… I guess.”
“That’s just like you,” she said mockingly.
“Well, sorry for being a little kid! What about it?” Mitsuki was getting more and more confused by the minute. Even now, he couldn’t fully comprehend exactly what was going on. He liked hamburgers because he liked them, he couldn’t help that. He ate them because he wanted to eat them.
“Well… uh,” Mitsuki added, “because burgers taste good, right?”
“Okay, then—it’s like that.”
“Huh…?”
He couldn’t make sense of things. She liked him, and he liked hamburgers; was that the same thing? She laughed. He didn’t quite understand. But then, love has always been hard to understand.
Mitsuki let out a huge sigh. Somehow it made him happy, knowing her feelings. Yutaka was cute and fun to be with. Conversations with her weren’t boring, and neither of them needed to be oversensitive to the other.
But there was something that still weighed heavily on Mitsuki’s mind.
“Y’know,” he said, “I’m going to die soon.”
Yutaka looked shocked; she must have thought he was lying to her. She fell silent and gazed intently at Mitsuki. The bubbling of the air pump in the tropical fish tank sounded strangely loud.
Mitsuki noticed the tears welling up in Yutaka’s eyes and immediately felt confused.
“F-Fujishima…?”
—Pow!
The cracking sound rang through the humid room. His left cheek stung from the punch. Yutaka had hit him. Hard.
“If you don’t like me, that’s fine. But you don’t need to blow me off with a stupid joke like that! You don’t have to laugh at my feelings…”
Without even finishing what she was saying, she turned and ran. The door slammed shut behind her.
She was mistaken. Mitsuki had told the truth. A truth that sounded like a lie. She didn’t know. And because she didn’t know, Mitsuki had ended up hurting her.
I just don’t want to hurt anybody, Mitsuki thought. And yet… Why? Everything is just… Nothing makes sense anymore…
—Ring.