“Don’t get it wrong. Gilles has always had a twisted personality, and Claude has always been a fool—none of that was my fault. Well, if you had to blame someone, I guess you could put it on Albert.”
Albert... Why is she bringing him up? Did he put her up to this?
“Why do you think your brother’s body is so frail? ’Cuz he’s been ‘carrying the sins of this kingdom’? Of course not. It was because your father used him as a sacrifice to obtain a fraction of Siegfried’s immense magical power.”
“What?”
Sacrifice? I had no idea what she was talking about. I wasn’t even sure if I should still refer to this person as “she” anymore at all.
A shiver raced up my spine. I didn’t understand any of this. What was she?
“Your father siphoned mana from Siegfried little by little without anyone noticing. That’s the only reason he was so kind to Gilles. The man only ever cared about himself.” Her tone of voice had gradually shifted from Risthea’s usual gentle manner to something haughty and rough. “Remember how Gilles said he received a divine revelation? Well, that was me, whispering into his ear. Pfft, divine revelation, my foot! These idiots can’t tell when someone’s a god or not! Those fools drained your precious Siegfried’s mana for years! I’ll help you avenge him. Why not start by offering them up in a blood sacrifice?” Risthea said with an amused sneer.
This new information threatened to upend everything I thought I knew.
“I see. So that’s what happened.”
It was all starting to make sense...why Albert favored Gilles and why someone like Gilles, so full of malice and so unworthy, had been “chosen” by the gods.
Albert had sacrificed Gilles’s health to give him the ability to steal Siegfried’s power—that was why I sensed Siegfried’s magic in Gilles. They’d jumped to blame Siegfried for the corruption of the land, but it was never him. It was all really simple once I thought about it.
“Ha ha ha...” The laugh escaped me. Of course. Siegfried had never been the blight on this kingdom.
“You hate your father, don’t you? The man belittled you for years, abused you, and in the end, he brought harm to your precious Siegfried. You should hate him. Kill him. And all the people of this kingdom who drove Siegfried into a corner...”
“Kill them? Ha ha!” The laugh was hollow in my throat. What would that accomplish? Siegfried was already gone. The noble sun had vanished from the world, leaving only darkness behind. What was left for me in this world now?
“Ha ha ha! A world without Siegfried means nothing! So what if the world’s to blame?! What good is revenge?! Everything is empty without him!”
I was still here, stuck in a world without Siegfried. He was gone from it. All I held now was a lifeless shell. If revenge could bring him back, then I’d gladly embrace it. But he wasn’t coming back. He was gone. He was never supposed to die here. And still, once again, he’d thrown his life away for me.
“Siegfried...”
I held his body close. It was over. Everything was over. There was no reason left for me to remain in this world.
“Isn’t that called love?”
Professor’s words echoed in my mind. Back then, I hadn’t understood. I’d been running from my true feelings. I didn’t know what love was. I didn’t even know how to begin to understand it, but this feeling wasn’t something as simple or fleeting as love.
I couldn’t live without him.
He was always so composed as a king, and yet when he was alone with me he was so emotional and expressive. He paid attention to me and noticed even the slightest changes. He came back here and gave his life to save me.
A world without Siegfried meant nothing to me.
I wasn’t going to die because I hadn’t fulfilled Kreis’s wish. It wasn’t because the kingdom needed Siegfried or anything noble like that. I simply couldn’t live in a world without him, and there was nothing more I could do to save him here.
“How ironic...” I muttered bitterly. It was only now after I’d lost him completely that I could finally admit to myself that it wasn’t just admiration. I loved him more than anyone or anything. I loved him so much that breathing in a world without him felt like agony.
Somewhere along the way, Siegfried had become that special to me. He showed me sides of himself he never revealed to anyone else. I felt like he’d meant those feelings for me and not for Kreis, and that made me happy.
I’d let him into my heart without realizing it. And I’d fallen in love with him.
It hurt. The reality that he wasn’t here hurt so damn much.
I reached for the sword still gripped in Siegfried’s hand, gently pried his fingers from it, and lifted the blade.
“You think you can get revenge with that sword? Don’t be stupid. You’re a fool if you think someone like you could defeat me.”
“Why would I want to defeat you?” My reflection stared back at me from the glinting blade. My hair was a mess and my face was smeared with blood, but I didn’t care. There was no one left whose opinion mattered to me.
I reversed my grip on the sword.
“Wait. What are you doing?”
“What else? I’m going home.” Back to a world where he still existed. I knew exactly what this pain would feel like, to be stabbed by this sword. I’d felt it before, and I’d vowed to never go through it again. But now, I wasn’t afraid.
“Hey, what are you planning? If you’re going to lose your mind, the least you can do is turn your rage on the world!”
“Ha ha! Don’t be ridiculous. Do it yourself.”
I didn’t care whether this world burned or not.
“Are you bluffing? Maybe you’re just trying to catch me off guard? Even if you—”
“Nngh!” I plunged the blade deep into my own chest without hesitation. I drove the sword deep into my body and my blood spilled freely, soaking Siegfried where I still held him close with one arm.
“Ah... I got you dirty...” Blood dripped from my lips.
“What are you doing?! What... What the hell do you think you’re doing?!”
Risthea’s sudden panic was amusing to me. I felt myself smiling. What did it matter if one more corpse joined the pile after she’d killed Siegfried?
“Wh-Why throw your life away?!”
Oh, I see...
I listened to her voice as my consciousness slowly began to grow foggy. Someone like her could never understand what it meant to give your life for someone else.
“Why? It’s simple... It’s love. That’s all...it is...”
Thud!
The sound felt far away. Was it my body collapsing, or something else entirely? I couldn’t tell. Everything was drifting further and further away.
I wasn’t afraid of dying. What scared me far more was staying in a world without him.
“Wait for me...”
I’ll be back soon, and next time I swear I won’t let you die.
“Kreis.” I heard a gentle voice calling my name from somewhere far away.
“Ahh!” I bolted upright and scanned the room. I was in my bedroom back at my estate, just like all the other times I’d returned before. I touched my chest—no wounds. Siegfried, who’d been cold and lifeless in my arms just moments ago, wasn’t here.
I’d never been so grateful for this curse of coming back to life. I could redo it and try again.
“Shall I say welcome back?”
“Professor?” Professor hopped onto the bed, startling me. If time had rewound to the usual point, then he should have still been out in the forest with the children, so why was he here? Had something gone wrong? Had I failed to die? Had I somehow survived and left Siegfried behind?
The possibility that I hadn’t died at all frightened me. If I hadn’t died, then I had to do it again right now. I had to go back to a world where Siegfried still existed.
I looked around for my dagger, but Professor said, “You don’t need to do that. You returned a little earlier than usual this time.”
“I did?”
“This is the night Siegfried stayed at the estate, just after he visited your quarters and returned to his guest room.”
Why did I get here earlier? What was different this time?
“Most likely it’s because you chose to die by your own hand. Your powerful resolve may have called you further back.”
I touched my chest again. There was no wound, but the pain of that moment still felt vivid in my memory.
“I should apologize. I knew you’d be returning through death again and again while I was away, but I needed to replenish my divine energy. I figured it was fine since you’d come back anyway, so I left you alone for a while.”
“Hang on a second. You knew I was dying over and over again?”
“That’s what our contract was for.”
“Contract...”
I thought back to when I gave Professor his name.
“I can’t foresee everything in this form. The contract was necessary. Thanks to that, I was able to observe what you were going through, especially this time when your heart was under so much strain. That’s why I decided to abandon the full replenishment of my divine energy.”
That was right... Professor said he would watch over me—not help, though, just watch.
“It sounds bad when you put it that way, but yes... I did leave you on your own for a while.” He nudged his nose against my hand. “I’m sorry.”
I didn’t know how to respond.
You watched me go through all that and did nothing? You stood by while I died, over and over again?