“I will relinquish the first-move advantage,” she offered. I didn’t think there was much of a first-move advantage in this game (after all, it was just a matter of drinking whatever was handed to us), but Iris made it sound like she was some great champion.
“I know a surefire way to win these duels…but this is our first round, and all. It wouldn’t be fun if we already knew how it was going to end, so I will refrain from using it this time.”
She was really annoying me! If I was doing this, I wouldn’t hold back any punches. Otherwise it’d take away the fun of the game.
As various ideas raced through my brain, I double-checked with Iris that The Coffee Machine could produce any kind of drink imaginable.
“That’s right. Oh, but let’s make alcoholic beverages against the rules. I don’t think it would be appropriate for us to start the morning off drunk. And minors aren’t allowed to drink where you’re from, are they?”
Come to think of it, I wasn’t entirely sure how old Iris was.
“I am seventeen years old. I should actually still be attending high school.”
Ah, that was only a year older than me. That was a bit surprising.
“What do you meaning by ‘surprising?’ That I come across as mature, so you thought I was older? Or that I seem childish, so you thought I was younger?” There was a bite in her teasing voice as she rubbed her elbows. “Anyway, let’s finish quickly and hurry back to our room. The air must be set low; it is freezing in these flimsy pajamas. I do not care to catch a cold.”
Yeah, both of us were still in our pajamas… I felt that if she knew this was going to take so long, we should have changed before heading over. But there was no point bringing that up now, so I focused on the duel instead.
Upon deciding what drink I wanted, I stood before The Coffee Machine. Iris said I could ask her what the word was in English, but I wanted to try doing it on my own this first round. I consulted the Japanese-English dictionary stored in my mind, flipped through it for a minute, and inserted two quarters into the coin slot. Then I typed “umeboshi juice” in the touchpad.
Yeah, I was pretty sure that was the correct spelling for “juice…” I remembered learning it in English class. Would it understand what I meant by “umeboshi?” Concerned, I asked Iris what she thought. The translation collar must have properly translated what I was trying to convey (Apparently it translated what I said into words the listener could comprehend, as could be inferred from the fact that we were able to hold conversations), for her eyes grew wide.
“Uh… Um, I could be wrong, but aren’t those ‘pickled plums?’ As I recall, aren’t they a type of Japanese plum fermented to make pickles?”
I didn’t really think of them as pickles… But I guess technically they were. Wait, they were fermented to make pickles? Wow, I just picked up some random trivia.
“I’ve heard The Coffee Machine will infer the meaning of rather abstract words punched in. Still, I’m impressed you came up with something as bizarre as pickle juice on the spot. I see you’re taking this seriously yourself.”
Well, I could have gone with something like Japanese plum wine, too. It wasn’t like she couldn’t handle drinking the stuff…most likely. I was merely going with the idea that she might struggle with something unfamiliar to her American taste buds. In that vein, I figured I stood a good chance at winning if I offered her natto gunk, but I didn’t want to watch her down that. I just knew it would be nasty to watch, although it would probably be good for her health.
“Oh, here it comes,” Iris pointed out.
After waiting only a few seconds, the sound of liquid being dispensed from behind the retractable compartment below The Coffee Machine’s touchpad came to a stop. With no chime to alert us that it was done, Iris stuck her hand in when she felt it was ready and pulled out the (supposed) pickled plum juice.
A fairly large paper cup was filled to the brim. The vivid, vermillion liquid looked like a rather tasty drink.
“This smells great…! Heh heh! I think you’re going to wind up teaching me a few things about Japanese culture,” Iris exclaimed happily, standing before the touchpad with the drink in one hand.
“Now it’s my turn.”
After a moment to think, Iris began to type with the ease of long familiarity.
The screen said, in English, “sea water.”
Huh? If she meant “sea,” as in the body of water, and “water” as in the mother of all life, wasn’t that seawater…? Was this girl telling me to drink a twelve-ounce cup of ocean water…? Was she trying to kill me…? Crap! She was seriously out to win. My carelessness would have led to a bittersweet defeat, or maybe I ought to say salty defeat, if I drank that stuff.
“I could have asked for oil, molten iron, or liquid nitrogen, but decided to go with something that barely seemed feasible,” Iris claimed meanly with a straight face. “As your competitor, it’s more amusing to watch you struggle drinking the stuff…than it is seeing you instantly tell it’s impossible,” she said, devilishly. Ah, now I knew how Dr. Bright felt when she knocked over his Godzilla model in the lab.
She could be quite a malicious tease… Iris was generally nice and kind, so I never noticed until now. I thought she seemed more “real” after revealing the less likeable parts of her personality than those people out there who act like robots, only showing their good side. It actually made me think more fondly of her. But that didn’t mean I could drink seawater! No way. I gave up.
“In that case, I win this round,” Iris said with a smile after she seemingly enjoyed downing the entire cup of pickled plum juice.
“I’d like to add a new rule… Any words used in a prior round cannot be reused. Good luck coming up with liquids that humans cannot drink.”
Man, she really did intend to continue holding these battles over who could use the bed going forward. I hoped my bed arrived soon. I needed it A.S.A.P.
“Let’s say that if we both order something unpotable, that round won’t count. We’ll have to input something new and try again. Tee-hee! This is starting to feel like a real game,” Iris said, looking like she was having a blast. Seeing her dazzling smile, winning honestly became a matter of secondary—or tertiary—importance.
✦ ✦ ✦
This is just an aside, but in the end, it took longer than expected for my bed to arrive. Thirteen days passed before it was finally delivered. Iris and I continued our duels every morning until then, but I lost every single one. It got to the point that I ultimately gave up on winning and began inputting the name of drinks I thought Iris would enjoy.
Iris must have realized what I was doing, because she frequently talked about what sort of flavors she liked. Instead of artificial sweeteners, she preferred the sweet flavor of fresh fruits. Having diverged from the duel, it felt like she was requesting drinks from a bartender. The drink that she liked the most was a mixed fruit juice that her mom “occasionally made on a whim.” I couldn’t stand that stinky stuff, but Iris was happy to drink it.
“It makes me feel like I’ve learned a little more about you, and that makes me happy,” she explained.
As an aside to the aside, which might be a bit redundant, our duel with The Coffee Machine became a strangely massive hit in the facility. There was always a long line in front of The Coffee Machine of personnel enjoying this stupid game, during the course of which, they invented a multitude of interesting drinks. It would take forever to list them all, so I’ll just leave that out, if you don’t mind.
For the record, the machine was apparently able to dispense drinks even if rather abstract ideas were input. Some examples included “my life story,” “a cup of pertinent medical knowledge,” and “the perfect drink,” and more… A bemused researcher compiled a list for fun, so anyone interested should go check it out.
By the way, I was a bit curious about the surefire way to win Iris mentioned back during our first duel, so I asked her about it. I was just making small talk as I rolled around on my bed, which had finally arrived.
“Seeing as I added the rule that it doesn’t count if we both order something undrinkable, I wouldn’t call it surefire anything,” Iris said as a preamble. But with a brilliant smile, she continued, “It was ‘something no one can possibly drink.’”
Wait, that wouldn’t even count as a drink anymore!