“The nature of the duel is simple. We do combat using The Coffee Machine,” Iris said, jutting her chin toward the towering vending machine. She had an air of satisfaction, as if this had been the reason she’d brought me here all along.
It wasn’t until now that I truly looked at the vending machine in question. It seemed like a normal vending machine that could be found anywhere, although it was a bit different from the ones I was accustomed to in Japan. If I had to describe it, I’d say it reminded me of the freestyle beverage dispensers at restaurants. Instead of bottles or cans like most vending machines, it dispensed cups that it filled with your drink of choice.
Vertically elongated, the entire machine was just…grody, giving off an impression of old age and decay. For being so old, it had a strangely cutting-edge touchpad built into the center of the machine that constantly emitted a pale light.
There was no panel indicating what drinks were available for purchase. Next to the touchpad, there was a simple coin slot. Located by the coin slot was printed “50¢.” I wasn’t familiar with that symbol. Did it mean “cents”? How much was fifty cents in Japanese yen? Roughly fifty yen?
“Like I said, you don’t need to cough up any money. See the coins stuffed in there? Anyone who wants a drink can use those coins,” she said.
Now that she pointed it out, I saw there was a semi-transparent plastic container next to The Coffee Machine filled with fifty-cent coins (or so I thought).
Seeing as the coins were still good money, I was afraid someone might swipe them… Were the people here indifferent to that sort of thing?
“Even if someone stole all of the coins in the basket, it wouldn’t amount to much. Considering the risk of getting called out for thievery, no one is going to try to fatten their wallet… And if a member of the staff commits a crime, they could always get dismissed in disgrace. Anyway, I think you get the idea.” Iris yet again presented terrifying notions and grabbed two of the (apparently not fifty-cent) coins from the container.
“Now then, we’re going to use The Coffee Machine in our battle for the bed. Are you ready? There is no going back.” She tried to sound intimidating, but I could tell she meant it as a joke. Apparently, Iris could be quite the tease.
Still, what sort of “duel” was fought with a vending machine? Seeing as we had money to burn, and the stakes were pretty low, I didn’t see what was wrong with deciding on a coin toss.
“No!” Iris put her foot down; I guess she really wanted to go through with her plan.
“We’re currently able to communicate due to the translation collar…but that was created with an SCP object called ‘The Clockworks.’ There is no guarantee it can produce another. You should prepare yourself in advance for the inopportune possibility it breaks,” she said.
I wasn’t sure how to react. It felt like the conversation had suddenly shifted. When I cocked my head in confusion, Iris further elaborated, “As such, ███, you should work on learning English. At the very least, it would be in your best interest if you could speak conversational English without the assistance of your translation collar.”
She made a solid argument. The translation collar around my neck was so convenient, I didn’t feel much urgency, but I was in an unfamiliar foreign land. It was essential to study the local language. Seeing as English was the international language, obtaining a degree of proficiency certainly wouldn’t hurt. And in truth, I had no idea what the principle was behind how this translation collar worked. There was no telling when it might lose effectiveness or stop working properly.
Still, her train of thought was disconnected. I couldn’t see what linked the battle for the bed, studying English, and The Coffee Machine. If I was going to study English, I would be pouring laboriously over a textbook and dictionary… Or did she want me to learn by practicing my conversational skills with the native English speakers?
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“You should start by building your vocabulary.”
With an impish grin, Iris waved her hand toward the vending machine as she said, “As you can see, The Coffee Machine has a touchpad. If you use it to input the English term, it will dispense any number of drinks.”
Wow, I had no idea vending machines could do that nowadays… Not one to buy drinks from vending machines all that often, I didn’t think the interfaces had gotten so fancy.
“No, this isn’t normal. The Coffee Machine is able to dispense essentially any and every drink input in English.”
Any and every…? Did she mean that literally?
“I mean that literally. It can dispense any liquid. It can give you a cup of plain old coffee, or anything else from that matter, from human blood to molten gold.”
That…wasn’t normal. It was impossible! And then the thought hit me like a train. Was this perfectly ordinary-looking vending machine another SCP object?
“Yes, this is SCP-294, also known as The Coffee Machine,” Iris affirmed in satisfaction, like a teacher standing before her prized student.
“This vending machine can produce any liquid imaginable… So each of us gets one turn inputting the name of a drink in English,” she explained excitedly, clearly enjoying herself. “And then we offer the drinks we ordered to each other. The winner is determined by who finishes their cup. Whoever fails to drink it all loses. If neither of us finishes our cups, whoever has the most left over loses. Those are the rules. Understand?”
In other words, whoever drank the most of whatever was offered to them won. Wait! In that case, what would happen if we both emptied our cups? A draw?
“In the event of a draw, we’ll hold extra sudden death matches until it’s settled. We’ll simply have to continue presenting more drinks until the winner becomes clear.”
Iris spun her finder around as she added, “For the record, The Coffee Machine always fills twelve-ounce cups. Seeing as there is a limit to how much the human stomach can hold, we will definitely have a verdict within a few rounds.”
If it came to that, I would have the advantage, thanks to the difference in our builds. But even so, I’d have a hard time downing two full cups. If I really pushed myself, I could probably go three, maybe four rounds. It wouldn’t drag out long.
“Please try to avoid drinking to your full capacity. Too much liquid intake is bad for your body. Even consuming too much water can prove lethal. This rule is only in place to avoid draws. We could allow draws, but I’m afraid that in the event of a draw…the two of us would have to share the bed.”
Oh, that would make it even harder to get a good night’s sleep than if I lost. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting this to be the sort of fun game you’d play at a drinking party… I was simply relieved it wasn’t something crazy like a battle to the death. In fact, this actually sounded fun.
“Okay, so you can only punch words in English into the machine. As you come up with the drinks you want to order, you can learn English! But my native mastery of the language gives me an unfair advantage, so let me know if there are any words you would like to use. I’ll show you how to spell them.”
Ah-ha! So that was where studying English came in. Everything was coming together now. This was like an educational game for little kids. Admittedly, I’d balk if she ordered me to sit down and study English in earnest, but it seemed like I could enjoy learning it casually this way.
“Well, it’s not like there is any rush. Take your time picking things up. Not just English, but also information about the objects secured here in the facility.”
I nodded in agreement with Iris and we began the relatively trivial battle for the bed.