Chapter 11

CHAPTER TEN Still Anything That Love Can Do The trains weren’t running, and the deserted rails made me think of brown, rusty sand dunes. Among the dense cluster of buildings, this area was a little higher than everything around it. Four rails ran through the vast lot, perfectly straight, and far up ahead, the buildings of Shinjuku shimmered in a heat mirage like a vista bleeding through from another world. I ran over those sand dunes with purpose. The false blue sky and the enormous cumulonimbus clouds holding it up like white pillars watched me coldly from overhead. Hina. Hina, Hina, Hina. I glared at the clear sky. Hina, are you up there? “Hey, Hodaka.” With a fantastic smile, as though something was about to begin, you’d told me— “The sun’s going to come back now.” Back then, in the midst of a glittering sun-shower, you gave me something. “That’s for you. Don’t tell.” The hamburger that night, one of the most delicious things I’d ever eaten. The impromptu potato chip fried rice at your apartment. “So you’re younger than me. I’ll be eighteen next month!” You’d always acted like the big sister. I’d always leaned on you. “So, how have things been since you came to Tokyo?” You’d asked, and I’d answered. “Well, it’s…easier to breathe now.” But that was because I’d met you. Because you’d given me something precious. “I like this job. The Sunshine Girl job.” Fireworks blooming in the dark sky, one after another; the smell of the night air, mingling with the gunpowder; the scent of Tokyo and the fragrance of your hair. You looked at me that day, and you smiled gently as you told me: “Thank you, Hodaka.” Sweat was getting into my eyes. My head was so hot it felt like it was on fire. I finally realized I’d been running with the helmet on. I ripped it off and threw it away. You gave me things I’d never had before: hope and aspirations and connections to other people. Love, maybe. And, more than anything, courage. The courage you gave me was what was driving me forward now. Before long, up ahead on the rails, a station platform came into view like an isolated pier. The workers on the platform saw me and shouted in surprise. “Hey, kid!” “Stay off the tracks! Stop!” Without answering, I ran right through the station. I passed Takadanobaba Station, then Shin-Okubo Station, and then the tracks abruptly widened. Rubble, fallen trees, and building materials were scattered all over the lot, and I started to see workers here and there cleaning up. They yelled at me and blew their security whistles, but I kept running. My legs kept carrying me forward at top speed. My lungs kept drawing in air, then pushing it out. I kept thinking only of Hina. The next thing I knew, I was finally among the familiar buildings of Shinjuku. I crossed a big elevated railway track I’d walked under countless times. As I ran along the rails all by myself, passersby looked up at me. There were a lot of them, all pointing their phones at me. They were laughing. Jeering. How dare they, when they all know, I thought as I ran. They can only live this way by stepping on somebody else. Someone was sacrificed to give them this life. Hina was the price of this blue sky for everyone. …Everyone, including me. “May I have your attention please; this is a public service announcement: Someone is trespassing on the Yamanote Line platform—” Shinjuku Station loomed up in front of me like an enormous fortress, and I heard a station announcement from the precincts. A crowd of recovery workers in coveralls stopped what they were doing to look at me. “He seems to be an ordinary citizen, crossing without permission. Please prioritize your own safety and let the railway police deal with him—” I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Repeating the words silently, I ran through the grounds of Shinjuku Station. Platforms and pillars and electric lines streamed past me. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Hina, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for making you be a sunshine girl. I’m sorry for putting the whole burden on you and making you shoulder everything. The station staff and workers were watching me in amazement. “That’s not safe!” “Stop!” They only said it; no adults tried to physically stop me. Finally, I entered a gloomy tunnel with rows of pillars in it. As I splashed through the water over the concrete, I could hear my own footfalls behind me as if they belonged to some other person. Then, when I was out of the tunnel, beyond the mixed-use buildings, that abandoned building in Yoyogi came into view. “Hey, Hodaka…” Last night in bed already seemed like the distant past. Glancing up from the ring, Hina had looked straight at me. “Do you want this rain to stop?” And I’d— “…Hff! Hff, hff, hff…” Finally, I stopped in front of the abandoned building. My chest heaved dramatically, hungry for oxygen. Big beads of sweat rolled off me, falling into the puddle at my feet and creating ring-shaped ripples. When I looked up, the torii gate on the building’s roof was shining red in the sunlight. Why had I said yes back then? Why hadn’t I been able to say the weather didn’t matter at all? Why couldn’t I tell you that rain or shine, I didn’t care as long as you were there? Hey, Hina? Is there still anything that I can do for you? * * * Last night’s rain and wind had done a lot of damage to the building. It was already falling apart to begin with, but now the exterior walls had mostly deteriorated, and the rubble was scattered all the way to the train tracks. I climbed the fence by the rails, jumped down into the lot, and went in through a crumbled wall. The interior of the building was hushed and dim and humid. Fingers of sunlight reached in through holes here and there, creating complicated patterns on the floor and walls. I ran up the inside stairwell, heading for the roof, but a few floors up, the ceiling had collapsed onto a landing and blocked off the stairs. That way was a no-go, so I dashed into a room on that floor to find an exit to the emergency stairs. And just then… “Hodaka!” …there was a big figure in front of me, coming toward me. A ray of light illuminated his face. “—Mr. Suga?” It was him. He was glaring at me. “I’ve been looking for you, Hodaka.” “Huh…? Why?” “Kid, do you even know what you’re doing?” For some reason, I could hear anger in his voice. I yelled back in spite of myself. “Hina disappeared!” “—!” “It’s my fault. It’s because I made her be the Sunshine Girl.” “Hodaka, you—” “It’s my turn to help her. I have to…!” Just then, police sirens broke into our conversation. I strained my ears. They were still quite a ways off, but I had no time to waste. “I have to go!” I broke into a run. “Hey, wait!” Mr. Suga grabbed my arm. “Where are you going?!” “You can get to the other world from up there!” I pointed at the ceiling, where part of it had crumbled into a gaping hole. The top of the red torii was visible beyond it. Above the sky was the other shore, a different world. “What are you talking about…?” “She’s in the sky; she has to be! If I take the emergency stairs and get up there—!” I tried to cut in front of him. He yanked my arm, hard. “Hodaka!” “I have to save her!” “Hold it! She can’t be in the sky; you know that.” Mr. Suga’s grip on my arm tightened. “Lemme go!” “Snap out of it!” He slapped me across the face. The pain made me realize those sirens were very, very close. Mr. Suga bent down, peering into my eyes. “Just calm down, Hodaka. You should go back to the police right now. If you talk to them, they’ll understand; it’s not like it was really your fault.” I was confused. Why was Mr. Suga siding with the police? The sirens stopped below the building, and I heard several car doors open. The hurried footsteps were coming closer. Mr. Suga caught both of my arms, pleading with me. “If you keep running away, it’ll be impossible to fix this. You know that, don’t you?” I had no idea what he was talking about. Run away? Which one of us was running away? Who was pretending they couldn’t see any of this? “Don’t worry.” Mr. Suga’s voice turned gentle. “I’ll go with you. We’ll explain to them together. All right?” As he spoke, he was pulling me toward the exit by force. I was fighting against the strength of an adult, and I was losing. “Let go! Please! Let me go!” “I told you, calm down!” “Lemme go!” I bit Mr. Suga’s arm as hard as I could. “Ow—! You little—” He kicked me in the stomach. My back hit the wall, and I slid helplessly to the floor with a pathetic groan. “…!” When I opened my eyes, there was a gun right next to me, buried in the weeds. It was the one I’d thrown away so long ago. I grabbed it on impulse and, still sitting on the floor, pointed it at Mr. Suga. “Stay out of my way!” Mr. Suga’s eyes widened. “Hodaka…?” He sounded confused as he asked with a little laugh, “Kid, what do you think you’re gonna do with—?” “Let me go”—I squeezed my eyes shut—“to Hina!” Bang—! The heavy sound of a gunshot echoed in the abandoned building. I’d pointed it at the ceiling and pulled the trigger. Mr. Suga’s mouth was hanging open, and he was staring in dumbfounded shock. Why? I thought, glaring at him. Why am I pointing a gun at somebody I used to like? Why won’t anyone listen and get out of my way? “Hodaka Morishima! Drop the gun!” Several sets of footsteps came running into the room. “Huh?!” Mr. Suga yelped, his voice cracking. It was a team of four policemen, guns at the ready, with Pompadour in the lead. In no time, Mr. Suga and I were surrounded. “Hey, whoa, no, hold it; hang on a minute! It’s all a misunderstanding—just let us explain!” Mr. Suga desperately tried to talk them down, but the detective’s group was still glaring at me, weapons drawn, faces stern. I was still holding my gun, too. “The two of us were just talking about that, right, Hodaka? We were just about to head over to the police together!” I stood up wordlessly and pointed the gun at the police, glaring back at them. “Kid…” Mr. Suga’s voice was tense. “Mr. Morishima, put down the gun,” the middle-aged detective shouted, and— “Look, please don’t make us shoot you,” Pompadour muttered. I glared at the adults in front of me in turn, aiming at each of them. For the past little while, my knees had been shaking uncontrollably. All I was doing was standing there, but my heart was racing out of control. The air was scorching hot against my throat. “Hodaka, it’s fine! Just put that thing down already, okay?” Mr. Suga’s voice was trembling. He shouted at the group around us. “And what the hell’s the matter with all of you?! Buncha grown adults coming after one kid with guns; he’s only sixteen! You think this is okay?! He’s not a criminal or anything like it—he’s just a runaway!” “Leave me alone!” I yelled. They all looked at me. “Why are you getting in my way? You don’t know anything—you’re pretending you can’t see the truth!” Tears welled up, uninvited, and the adults beyond my gun’s muzzle blurred. Was this checkmate? Was it all over? Would I just get caught before I could do anything that mattered? Would this end before I could use the courage she’d given me, before I could act on the feelings ready to burst inside me? “I just want—” With tears streaming down my face, I shouted with everything I had. “—to see her again!” I threw the gun away. In the moment when the police weren’t focused on me, I made a break for the window and the emergency stairs beyond it. But Pompadour grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and tackled me from behind, shoving my face into the rubble-strewn floor. The searing pain warped my vision. “Secured!” Pompadour straddled my back, snapping a handcuff around my left wrist. “Dammit, lemme go!” If I let him keep going, both of my hands would be restrained. I fought like crazy, but on my back, Pompadour didn’t even flinch. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the other officers running toward us. “Hey, assholes—” Just then, Mr. Suga’s voice rang out. “Get your hands off Hodaka!” Right then, something knocked Pompadour off my back. Startled, I raised my head. Mr. Suga was on top of the detective, straddling him. “What the hell, you—” Pompadour got up, yelling, and Mr. Suga slugged him. “Hodaka, go!” For a moment, my eyes met Mr. Suga’s. Then I jumped to my feet and broke into a run past both of them. “Stop!” The middle-aged detective was standing in front of the window, blocking it, ready to shoot me if he had to. “—Hodakaaa!” I looked for the source of the sudden shrill voice. “Nagi?!” I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Nagi dashed into the room from another door, wearing a dress, and tackled the middle-aged detective to the ground. As Nagi pummeled the detective’s face, he shouted. “Hodaka, this is all your fault!” He was glaring at me. Eyes swollen from crying, nose dripping like the little kid he was, Nagi screamed at me. “Give me back my sister!” “—!” I jumped onto the emergency stairs from the window, as if those words were a punch that had knocked me into the air. The moment I touched down, the rusted metal landing came loose and fell. Reflexively, I grabbed the handrail, pulled myself up, then raced up the stairs. The fallen landing hit the ground with a crash. I ran and ran and ran. I ran to use all the strength I’d gained, and all the courage I’d gotten from Hina, and all the feelings still screaming inside me. At last, I dashed out onto the roof. Gods, I thought. Please, please, please. I believed, with utter conviction. And as I went through the torii gate, I wished as hard as I could. Take me to Hina, one more time—