“You’re right,” I admitted. “There are lots of things I’m not sure about…but one thing I can say for sure is that you aren’t supposed to die here. Akari, if you step back from that ledge right now, I’ll do anything you ask of me. I’ll drop out of high school and move back to Sodeshima. I’ll find a way to make back the money Akito stole from you. I’ll do everything in my power to make sure you never have to go through anything like this again. Please don’t end it all here. I need you, Akari.”
“Oh, give it a rest, already. You’re just trying to talk me down and you know it.”
Her words were harsh and cold, and I had no angle to counter them from. So deep was Akari’s despair that she’d basically made up her mind by now, and nothing I could say would convince her otherwise. She was determined to jump. The impact from a fall from this height would kill her. I could only stand here and watch, helpless, as my best friend took her own life. Such was my punishment for breaking my promise to her.
…No, screw that. I wasn’t giving up yet. I came here prepared to put it all on the line in order to save Akari. Now I needed to put my money where my mouth was. Slowly, steadily, I approached Akari. It was time to make my final gambit.
“Stop!” she yelled “If you come any closer, I’ll…”
“Go ahead. I’ll be right behind you.”
“Huh?!”
I hopped over the railing to join Akari out on the ledge, standing immediately to her right. Akari looked at me with suspicious eyes that told me she was prepared to jump the moment I tried anything fishy. I was careful not to make any sudden movements that might alarm her while making it clear I had no intention of backing down. My toes were already sticking out over the edge. One step forward would send me plummeting to my death. A glance down was enough to give me vertigo; it sent a rush of adrenaline and fear through my entire body. My palms were already sweating against the cold metal railing.
“Y’know, when it comes down to it,” I began, gazing up at the deep magenta sky, “this is really all my fault. I mean, this whole thing could’ve been avoided if I hadn’t told you about Akito’s death or the Rollback. Then you wouldn’t have been complicit whether I chose to save him or not. You could’ve stayed blissfully unaware.”
“…What are you trying to say?”
“Nothing. Just that I need to be held accountable for all the pain and suffering you’re going through right now, and that I can only atone for it by finding a way to make things right again. If you die right now, I’ll be forced to live with that guilt forever.”
“So you’d rather kill yourself too?”
“You got it.”
A strong wind blew past, sending my bangs aflutter. The smell of sea salt wafted into my nostrils. My footing wavered a little bit; I gripped the railing even tighter.
“…You’re a real jackass, you know that?” she scoffed. It may have been the first time she insulted me and actually meant it.
“Believe me, I’m aware. This past week has made it abundantly clear what a worthless piece of crap I truly am.”
“Are you using scare tactics on me or something? FYI, I really am going to jump. Right now. Whether or not you do too won’t change a thing.”
“That’s fine. What I’m saying is, if I can’t convince you otherwise, I’d rather join you and end it all myself.”
“Just checking, Kanae-kun: Do you seriously think that threatening to commit suicide is a good way to talk someone else out of committing suicide?”
“Probably not. Like you said, I’m a stupid jackass. I’m afraid that’s the best I could come up with.”
Akari was staring daggers at me now.
“…You expect me to believe you’re gonna jump for real?”
“Oh, I am. Make no mistake.”
“Stop bluffing. I see your knees quaking.”
She had me there. I was literally shaking in my boots. I’d hoped she wouldn’t notice.
“N-no, that’s, uh… That’s because my legs are tired from riding my bike all the way up that big hill.”
“Oh, is that why? How come your voice is shaky too?”
“I mean, it’s chilly out here. You felt that breeze that just blew by.”
“Then explain the sweating.”
“People sweat when they’re hot, Akari. It’s called homeostasis.”
“You said you were cold?”
“…Okay, fine!” I yelled at the top of my lungs. “You got me! I’m scared out of my goddamn mind! Happy now?!”
I couldn’t deny it. The thought of actually taking that next step and falling to my death scared the hell out of me. Sure, it may be a relatively painless, instantaneous death, but the thought of my blood and guts splattered all across the asphalt filled me with nausea, and imagining how the world might move on without me made me want to cry. The thought of my own death terrified me. Wasn’t that only natural?
“…Thing is, there’s something I’m even more afraid of,” I continued, readjusting my grip on the railing. “And that’s the thought of losing you, Akari. That’s what really scares me, far more than my own death ever could. I know full well I couldn’t bear to go on living in a world without you. I’m not strong enough for that.”
I took a brief pause after this mild self-rebuke.
“You know, I never told you this, Akari, but the real reason I’m back here in Sodeshima right now is because I ran away from home. My dad caught me skipping out on my spring break supplementary courses and gave me the scolding of a lifetime. Said he wished he never brought me back to Tokyo to begin with. So I left. And yeah, I know that probably sounds like small potatoes compared to all of the agony and suffering you’re going through, but I think it just goes to show what a weak little coward I am. I mean, if I was willing to run away from home over something as trivial as that, what makes you think I wouldn’t want to run away from life itself after losing you? Even if you took my own blame out of the equation, I don’t think I could cope with that.”
“…What’s your point?”
“No point. I’m explaining how serious I am about this. If you die here, then I die too. Simple as that.”
I wasn’t bluffing. That was where my head was at right then. If I could place complete and total confidence in anything, it was my ability to run away when the going got tough. I had to be upfront about that with Akari, regardless of how hard she was treading water in her own pain and suffering. It was my only method of conveying to her that this wasn’t an act.
“…If you want me to live so bad, then why not drag me away by force?”
“I mean, would that really do anything to change your mind?”
“Nope. I’d go do it the next time you took your eyes off of me.”
“…That’s what I thought.”
She truly did have her mind made up. What options did I have now? How could I make Akari want to keep on living? I tried with all my might to wring one last idea out of my frazzled brain but still came up empty. We were at an impasse. Worse, as I thought on it more deeply, dying began to seem like the right answer to our conundrum. Somehow convincing her to live wouldn’t magically put an end to all of her struggles. Plenty of hardships lay in her future. Heck, from a general perspective, there was far more to be sad about in the world than to be happy about, and our backwards society tended to reward evil more readily than good. Like we learned back in junior high, trying to stand up for your morals only put a target on your back. Life…wasn’t fair. Akari knew that far better than I ever could. The will to live exited my body in one abrupt swoop. I turned to face her.
“So we’re really doing this, huh?”
“Yup. I am, at least,” she responded in no time, her eyes steady and assured.
“…Okay then.”
I grabbed Akari’s right hand.
“Hey, what the—”
“I’m not stopping you. If we’re gonna go, then I want us to go together.”
Her palm was cold and drenched with sweat.
“I’m serious about this, you know,” she reiterated.
“Yeah, I know.”
“You…really don’t have any regrets?”
“I mean, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t…” I admitted after mulling it over a little. “But all I ever wanted was to grow old and die with you, so one out of two is good enough for me.”
“…I see,” she said, then interlocked her cold, dainty fingers with mine. “Guess we’re on the same page, then… Because I’m not afraid of dying either, as long as I’m with you.”
I didn’t say a word. I nodded at Akari, and Akari nodded back at me, as though we’d both made our peace and were ready to kiss the world goodbye.
“Okay,” she said. “Here goes nothing.”
“Ready when you are.”
I exhaled all of the air from my lungs with deliberate slowness. The strong wind blowing by felt pleasantly bracing, like it was cleansing my entire body. I took in a deep breath through my nose, and I could smell the ocean, along with the slightest hint of plum blossoms. All told, I was as afraid to die as ever. Somewhere deep inside, I felt a certain contrasting calm; I attributed it to holding Akari’s hand in mine. With her by my side, I could look my fears in the eye undaunted. I wished I had the chance to use this newfound courage for something other than ending it all…but no matter. Everything would be over soon. Knowing I wouldn’t have to worry about the future any longer was strangely comforting, in its way. Feeling about as close to content as I could get, I closed my eyes and waited.