“Well, if cleaning the tub’s all I’ve gotta do to earn my keep, I guess that doesn’t sound like such a bad gig.”
“…You’re really serious about this, huh?”
“Just about.”
“Did something happen, or…?”
“Eh, it’s kind of a long story.”
I couldn’t possibly tell Eri about any of what I went through this past week. Instead, I stood up to make it clear that the conversation was over. I turned to head back upstairs to my room, which was when Eri stopped me.
“W-wait, Big Brother!”
I whirled back around, caught off guard. She’d always called me that back when I lived here, but she hadn’t used it once this whole week. Sure, it sounded a bit childish now that she was in junior high, but it felt good to hear. Like she was finally warming up to me again.
“Um,” she stammered, “if you ever need someone to talk to or anything, I’m always here. Not trying to be nosy, but I mean…it’s not healthy to just bottle things up inside, and…”
Her face was as earnest as could be as she sat there looking up at me from the floor. What a sweet kid, I thought to myself; her kind offer raised my spirits a little.
“Thanks for the offer, but I think this is just one of those things I have to deal with by myself. Sorry,” I apologized, before turning and walking out of the living room.
I crashed down onto my bed. I barely got any sleep at all last night, but I didn’t feel particularly tired. Perhaps that hot shower had woken me up a bit, or maybe I was just too worried about Akari. Yeah, probably the latter. Every time I remembered how distraught her face looked through the crack in her apartment door, it felt like someone was driving a stake into my heart. I was beginning to feel like I hadn’t made the right decision after all. Here I was, struggling with the same dilemma again. Would it be better if I hadn’t saved Akito? I let out a deep, heavy sigh of regret.
“…Man, I have gotta get my act together,” I said, then slapped my cheeks with both hands to snap myself out of this pessimistic spiral. It was far too late for me to be getting cold feet; the damage was already done, and now it was my responsibility to fix it so that Akari could be happy again. Simple as that, no need to overthink it. I’d prioritize whatever was best for her from now on.
The calm spring morning came and went like a light rain that was gone before you were aware it had arrived. Next thing I knew, it was midafternoon. I’d already tried to check up on Akari, but she still refused to see me. I heard the words “go away” come from behind the door, and after that, there was only silence. I called and texted her as well, but to no avail. I wondered if I might need to take more drastic measures, like camping out in front of her apartment or trying to force my way inside…but neither seemed like a very good idea. They were more likely to hurt her further, if anything, and extend the healing process unnecessarily. Despite all that, I felt uncomfortable leaving her alone with her thoughts right now…
“Man, what am I supposed to do…?” I groaned.
I looked up at my wall clock. It was 3 p.m. Ideally, I’d like to salvage my relationship with Akari somewhat before the next Rollback hit in three hours. I assumed that would be the final one, as then I’d have filled in the entirety of the ninety-six-hour blank space in my memories. I wondered then if I would be sent back to 6 p.m. on April 6th, when Akari first explained the Rollback to me, since that was the furthest point in the timeline I had experienced. On second thought, though, that timeline was also broken now that I’d saved Akito’s life…so maybe all bets were off. Maybe there wouldn’t be another Rollback. Or maybe my consciousness would repeat these same four days over and over for the rest of my life, my body never growing older than seventeen as I slowly but surely went insane. Now there was a scary thought.
After successfully giving myself chills, I figured I’d better not dwell on questions I had no way of answering. It would be six o’clock soon enough, and then I’d find out for myself…whether I liked it or not. Still, given that I couldn’t even guess what might happen, it was all the more important that I talk to Akari while I had the chance. I resolved to go try to talk with her one last time—but I would have to be quick about it.
Right as I shot up in bed to get going, I felt my phone vibrate next to my pillow. Someone had sent me a text. I picked up the phone and looked down at the screen. It was from Akari. The words she had written, however, made my heart sink all the way into my stomach. A moment later, my mouth went dry as the desert, and I broke into a full-body sweat. I tried to call her, hands trembling, but it didn’t go through. The robotic voice of her answering machine told me she was either out of range or had her phone turned off. I jumped up and raced down the stairs so fast that it was a miracle I didn’t trip and fall, then shot out the front door like a speeding bullet. There was no time to explain the circumstances, so I grabbed Eri’s bike without permission and sped off in the direction of Akari’s apartment complex, riding as fast as my legs could take me. I had a very bad feeling about this; if I’d interpreted her message correctly, then it was vital that I reach her as fast as humanly possible.
“Goodbye, Kanae. I love you.”
How could I be such a stupid, worthless piece of crap? I’d spent several hours lying around in my bedroom, talking a big game about how I was gonna make things up to her, while she was already neck-deep and drowning in the worst depression of her entire life. Alone, with me nowhere to be found. Who the hell did I think I was?
“God, I’m such an idiot…!”
I pedaled so hard that the pedals themselves threatened to come flying off, and the chain screeched metallically as though it might snap. I pressed on even so, spinning my spokes as fast as they’d go all the way to Akari’s apartment complex, where I slammed on the brakes and ditched the bike in the parking lot. I booked it up the stairs and rang her doorbell. Nothing. I tried twisting the knob and found that the door was unlocked.
“Akari, you there?! I’m coming in!”
I bounded into the hallway and swung open the first door on the left. Akari wasn’t in there. Her bedroom seemed a lot cleaner than I remembered it being last night. All of the textbooks that had lain out on her desk were now filed neatly away in her bookcase.
“Wait, what’s this…?”
A single folded-up sheet of notebook paper lay atop her desk. I grabbed it and opened it up. It was a handwritten letter in which Akari thanked her mother at length for everything she’d done for her. There was no signature at the bottom, only the words “I hope that one day you can forgive me.” My gut feeling was all but confirmed at this point.
“Damn it, no…!”
I set the letter back down, then called out for Akari again as I searched the rest of the apartment. I checked the living room, the kitchen, the bathroom, and even the back deck, but she was nowhere to be found. Clearly she had left the house, but where could she have gone? With a gulp, I finally had no choice but to confront the word I’d been intentionally avoiding this entire time: suicide. If Akari was going to make a serious suicide attempt, where would she do it? I guess it would depend on her intended method. Drowning was probably the easiest option with the ocean right nearby, but she could just as easily plan to jump from the top of a tall building, or step in front of an oncoming train, or hang herself…though none of these options did much to narrow down her potential whereabouts. Damn it, I’ve got nothing. She might not even be on the island anymore, for all I know.
I considered whether I should call the authorities. What would I even tell them? That I suspected a friend of mine was about to commit suicide, but I had no idea where or how? Could they do anything at all with that information? I didn’t know, but it was worth a shot. I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and started pushing buttons, all while racking my brain for any potential hints from the past few days I’d spent with Akari. I tried to untangle every last knot remaining in my mind.
All of a sudden, I saw something glimmering at the bottom of my mental abyss, like a gold nugget buried deep in the mud. My gut told me this was not a lead to ignore, so I put my cell phone down and tried to home in on it. I closed my eyes and focused my mental energy on dredging up whatever lurked in the depths of my brain. Time seemed to crawl by…and then I heard an echo of Akari’s voice.
“You know, this is my favorite spot in all of Sodeshima.”
My eyes shot open. Could that be where she was? It met the criteria; she could theoretically kill herself there. I didn’t have time to think twice. I tore out of the apartment, hauled Eri’s bike up off the pavement, and sped off toward Sodeshima High. I pedaled as fast as I possibly could, huffing and puffing up the hilly streets. I felt sweat drip down from my chin onto the handlebars. When I reached the final ascent leading to campus, I shifted into low gear and tried to power my way up—but then there was a loud thunk, and the pedals started spinning with zero resistance as the bike lost all traction. Unable to maintain my balance, I fell down hard on the asphalt.