I knew that I should give up on Kaoru and try to forget about him. Really, I did. I knew that constantly obsessing over him after five whole years was unhealthy, plain and simple. Despite that, I couldn’t do it. Even after all these years of dashed hopes, whenever I heard my phone vibrate, part of me couldn’t help but wonder if it might be him. Every. Single. Time.
So I languished in agony, unable to go after Kaoru, but unable to move on from him, as the weeks and months piled up like so many sheets of crumpled drawing paper. Since when had I been such a spineless coward? I found myself envying the dauntless girl I’d been in days gone by, who’d always been able to maintain an optimistic outlook without effort—without even good reason.
The days rolled by one after another, yet still I failed to come up with any decent ideas for my next big manga series. And of course, I still hadn’t heard anything from Kaoru. I did receive an invitation to go out to lunch with an old friend—one Koharu Kawasaki. We met up one day at the old café in downtown Kozaki.
“Hey, Anzu! Long time no see, huh?”
“Yeah… No kidding.”
We hadn’t seen each other once since graduation. We did keep in touch via text for a while, but as my career started picking up steam, even that slowly fell by the wayside—and now we hadn’t spoken in almost a year. Seeing Koharu’s face again for the first time in so long, I couldn’t help but notice how much softer and friendlier her smile had become. She’d left Kozaki shortly after graduation to get her teaching license at vocational school, and she had apparently scored herself a job teaching elementary school in the city.
When Koharu had first told me, way back in high school, that she wanted to be a teacher when she grew up, I had been genuinely taken aback. So taken aback, in fact, that I’d almost thought she was pulling my leg. Nevertheless, here she was. She’d put together a clear-cut plan, followed it through to the end, and was now a full-fledged teacher, just like she’d said she would be. All the disdain I’d felt toward this one-time bad girl had totally evaporated, and in its place, I felt nothing but genuine respect for her.
We quickly set about catching each other up on what was new and exciting in our respective lives, continuing to make casual small talk between bites after our food arrived.
“Have you been getting enough sleep lately?” Koharu asked at one point.
“Who, me?”
“Yeah, you’ve got big dark circles under your eyes. Are you really still that busy now that your series is finally over?”
“No, not so much, honestly. I’ve been having trouble falling asleep lately, I guess.”
“Wait, you’ve got insomnia? Is there something that’s been stressing you out a lot? Maybe writer’s block or something? Can’t come up with any new story ideas?”
“Well, yeah. That’s part of it too, but…”
“Don’t tell me. It’s Tono, isn’t it?”
I was at a loss for words. I really hadn’t expected Koharu to be able to see through me so easily. She made a glum expression for whatever reason, then put her elbows on the table and rested her head in her hands.
“God, where the heck did that guy run off to…?” she wondered aloud.
For all the complaints I’d had about Koharu back in high school, she was one of the only people I knew who’d remained concerned about Kaoru’s sudden disappearance after graduation. I had to respect her for that.
“I mean, what kind of loser runs off and leaves a girl like you high and dry, y’know? So help me, if I ever see his stupid mug again, I’m gonna sock him right in the kisser!”
“Oh, please do. He deserves it,” I said, chuckling.
We ate in silence for a while after that, enjoying the smooth jazz that flowed softly from the restaurant’s overhead speakers.
“Hey, Kawasaki?” I asked casually as I twirled some pasta around my fork.
“Mm? What’s up?”
“If I told you I was thinking about completely giving up my manga career to go find him, what would you say?”
Koharu’s hands instantly stopped, and her eyes went wide as she looked up at me. “Anzu… You’re not seriously still in love with that guy, are you?”
“I mean…”
“Look, I know it’s really not my place to judge, but don’t you think this obsession has gone on long enough? I mean, the guy straight-up vanished on us without giving us a courtesy call. Pretty sure the only way we’re ever gonna see him again is if he decides he wants to come back…”
“Yes, I appreciate that, but it doesn’t make me miss him any less,” I replied, raising my voice a little bit. I was dead serious. The only problem was that, to me, my manga was almost exactly as important as he was.
“I mean…do you really have to pick one or the other here? Can’t you go looking for him while continuing to write manga?”
“No. Absolutely not. All that’ll do is keep me from devoting the proper time and energy to either. No one ever got anywhere by being indecisive.”
Koharu furrowed her brow with concern. “Are you sure you’re not burnt out, Anzu? Maybe you should take a little time off, then think this over again with a fresh mind…”
“I can’t do that!” I shouted, finally pushed over the edge. “I can’t stop running. I can’t even slow down. If I do, the anxiety will catch up with me. And once it does, it’ll make everything around me go dark, and I won’t be able to see or think straight. That’s what terrifies me the most. If I’m not doing something to keep my mind occupied, I get paralyzed by all these intrusive thoughts. Though I guess it doesn’t really make a difference, because when I do make up my mind to do something, I always end up second-guessing myself anyway, wondering if it’s really the right choice…”
I hung my head, covering my forehead with both hands, and implored: “Tell me, Kawasaki: What am I supposed to do…?”