“Anyway, c’mon! Let’s have a toast!”
“Didn’t your doctor tell you not to drink so much?”
“Aw, it’s no big deal! Today’s a special occasion!”
“I don’t think that excuse would fly with him…”
“Quit worrying and drink with me, already!”
“Oh, for crying out loud…”
“God, we need to go out for real seafood again sometime soon.”
“Yeah, after things calm down at work a little bit, maybe.”
“Oh, I’m sure they will before too long.”
“I’d love to take a nice overseas vacation too.”
“Did I mention I’ve been saving up for a new car?”
“We’ll have all the time in the world once we retire.”
“Would be nice to take up some new hobbies.”
“Buy a nice little house somewhere.”
My old, cranky father and the woman he intended to forcibly instate as my new mother continued to paint their vision of their idyllic future together. I could already tell there was no room for me in that frame. After all, the only way to be a part of a family was to be born into it and thus connected by blood, or to love someone so much you wanted to start a new one with them. I had neither love nor blood ties with either of these two, so where the hell did that leave me in this equation?
“Oh, right, just so you know, Kaoru, we’re going to be moving out of this place sometime in the not-so-distant future.”
“…Wait, what?”
“I’ve got a new job lined up and everything,” my father explained excitedly, totally ignoring the clear displeasure drawn over my face. “We’re gonna get out of Kozaki and move into a nice condominium. It’ll be a little bit cramped compared to this place, sure, but things are gonna be a whole lot more convenient over there, I promise.”
The woman across from us nodded enthusiastically to emphasize the point.
“Oh, and don’t worry about your educational career. We’ll be able to sell this place for a nice chunk of change. Then we can afford to send you all the way through college, or whatever technical school you like. We can even set you up with enough money to rent your own place if you want to go somewhere farther away. The three of us are gonna have a fresh start together in a brand-new city, in a brand-new home.”
A fresh start.
“Isn’t that exciting, son? There’s a new life ahead of us, waiting just around the corner.”
I thought I felt a blood vessel pop inside my brain. The pores on my scalp flared, and my vision went red.
Piss off, old man. What about Karen, huh? You just gonna try to leave her in the past? Just gonna move on with your happy little carefree life and forget all about your only child of flesh and blood? You sicken me. How dare you not spend every waking hour of every day in misery and regret over what happened to her. How dare you not keep her in the forefront of your mind at all times. When you stop doing that, it really will be like she never existed to begin with. Don’t you realize that, you stupid asshole?
I wanted to grab one of those empty beer bottles and smash it over his head. I wanted to flip the table and punch a hole in the screen door. I wanted to give in to the rage inside and let it take control. All I could do was clench my fists and grit my teeth. I didn’t know how to actually act on any of these urges, so the anger could only build inside me until it reached a breaking point. Then the fury toward my father turned into frustration with myself, until eventually I couldn’t hold it in any longer, and the tears came gushing out.
“Whoa, what the… Kaoru? …Are you crying?” my father asked with concern, peering up into my downturned face.
Don’t look at me, you piece of crap.
“What’s wrong? Are you not feeling well?” asked the woman.
Stay out of this, you goddamn home-wrecker.
“…Oh, I see what’s going on here.” My father placed his hand on my shoulder.
I said, don’t touch me.
“Don’t you worry, Kaoru. I understand that you have a lot of reservations about this. It’s a pretty big change. But I know the three of us can get through it if we work together. Can you try to do that for me, son?”
As I looked at his smiling face, full of newfound hope and aspirations, I finally understood. My father was determined to pretend like none of it had ever happened. Not Karen’s death, not my mother leaving, not the horrible way he’d treated me—he was trying to leave all that emotional baggage in the past so he could go skipping off to find his happily-ever-after with his shiny new wife. Just like my mother seemed to be doing, judging from her horror at the mere sight of me. The two of them really were perfect for each other in that sense. Too bad they’d already divorced.
All at once, the red-hot rage that had been simmering in my head dropped to below freezing, and a chill ran down my spine. Only a moment later, my stomach churned.
Then I puked. All over the table.
The woman shrieked as the cascading river of light-brown vomit and half-digested foodstuffs dribbled onto the tatami floor. Even after I’d thrown up every last chunk of the yakisoba and sponge cake I’d eaten at the festival, the taste of Lifeguard mixed with bile remained in my mouth as I continued retching every last drop of fluid in my stomach.
“H-hey! What the hell do you think you’re doing?!” my father yelled, forgetting to maintain his loving parent act as he pushed me to the ground. As soon as my stomach was empty and I finally finished dry heaving, I got up and, without cleaning up my own mess, ran out of the living room, scrambled up the stairs, and locked my door. Finally safe in my bedroom, I wiped my mouth with a copious number of tissues, then climbed into bed and pulled the covers over my head. It was the only way to calm myself down, even if it meant overheating in a vacuum-sealed pocket of my own putrid breath.
I couldn’t help myself; it was simply too nauseating being down there. The stupid smug look on my father’s face as he talked wistfully about our future, and the way the woman hung on his every stupid word with rapt attention like he was some spellbinding orator delivering truly insightful wisdom—it was vile, and depraved, and disgusting all around. If I’d stayed there even a second longer, I would have done something I regretted. Hell, I was getting pissed again just thinking about it.
As I swallowed repeatedly in a vain attempt to use my saliva to soothe the burn of gastric acid in my throat, my cell phone buzzed in my pocket. Figuring it was my father telling me to come back downstairs, I rolled my eyes as I pulled it out to see whatever nonsense he’d sent. In actuality, it was a text message from Anzu.