❄❄❄
I sighed as I entered my room. I’m beat.
“You okay? You can always just ignore him, you know?” Felzen said.
“I’m fine.”
“You sure? You’ve had Stern’s smell all over you recently.”
Felzen’s wording made my heart skip a beat. “I-It’s the moisturizer. I have it on my hands.”
Felzen grabbed my hand, sniffed it. He’s so warm. My body stiffened, though the contact was within our usual boundaries. I felt self-conscious.
“So that’s why.”
“Marlena picked it out, apparently.”
“Your secret’s still safe, right?”
“Should be. I haven’t done anything that would make him question my gender.” Not that I could ask him even if I had.
“I’m here if you need someone to talk to. Don’t take on everything by yourself.”
I can’t talk to him about Stern’s confession though. I don’t want to threaten their friendship or bring Felzen into this mess.
“I won’t.”
When I smiled, Felzen nodded.
I only hid my identity to maintain my spot at the academy; I’d had no intention of lying to Stern. I was me before I was a girl or boy, or that was how I thought of it. That had worked all my life, and I had no reason to believe it wouldn’t continue working. Yet I was starting to feel terrified, terrified of being neither.
I’d never worried about such things. I questioned how long I could keep up the boy act, wondered when I’d be able to return to being a girl again and if Stern would despise me when he found out.
Stern liked knight me, not girl me.
Girl me was too tall, chestless, and had a face easily mistaken for a boy’s. Stern wasn’t overly fond of women either; she stood no chance at earning his affection.
He’ll think I’m a liar. I shuddered at the thought.
As the one in the wrong, I’d have no right to complain about how others reacted once the truth came out, which made me think: What if I never let it?