Chapter 18: Homeward Bound
Tiny, twinkling eyes. Two tiny hands clasped together. Opening her tiny kitten mouth, my little Big begins to speak.
"If you could choose between a girl with big breasts or a girl with small breasts, which would it be?"
There are just a few dark hours left as our little trip draws to a close. The bullet train rushes forward, hurdling through time and space with laser-like precision. This is the train that will carry me and my little Big home.
Sitting next to me, she poses the same question as the day before.
But this time, I give her a straight answer.
"I love a girl with tiny tits."
My answer seems to satisfy her, and she settles back into her seat with a nod. I'm no fortuneteller, but I'm pretty sure those little boobs of hers aren't going to grow bigger any time soon.
But I have to keep my thoughts to myself. One slip of the tongue, and she'd grate my head like a radish on her washboard chest.
I do love big tits, you know.
There's a world of difference between big boobs and small ones. Even the thought of comparing them is ridiculous.
But…
That has nothing to do with my little Big.
She's the one I love.
"You really didn't like that Katie, did you," I say.
"Meh," she replies.
As if she couldn't care less about it.
Is she joking?
"It's just that when I tried to call her," I explain, "the look on your face said you didn't want anything to do with her."
"It was just lame the way you thought we could count on her."
She tossed off the comment as if it hardly mattered at all.
But I can understand why she's acting that way.
She's just trying to put me in my place, being a year older and all.
She wants to revel in it.
That's Big's pride talking.
She always wants to carry herself a certain way.
I speak up. "After all we've been through, Big, what was it I was looking for, anyway?"
"What?!" she fires back. "Why are you asking me?"
I guess she's right. It's not really the kind of thing you should be asking someone else.
In any case, I think I already have the answer. Deep inside, I know.
There's no point in even saying it, really.
Just like the thing little Big has found.
In fact, we had our "missing pieces" before this journey even began.
They're the kind of answers a person doesn't need to travel anywhere to find.
"Look at this train car," Big says. "Everybody's dozing off. They look dead tired. We should really stop talking and let them get some rest."
My Big always knows when to mind her manners.
That is, except for randomly asking people about boobs.
"But like the saying goes," Big adds, "it ain't over till the fat lady sings. We'll be in trouble if we nod off and miss our stop. We can't let ourselves fall asleep too."
Just as I'm about to tell her that I'd already thought of that, I look over and see Big snoozing away.
That was quick.
She definitely knows how to embrace a clich?.
And this story can only end one way.
". . . . . . . . ."
I reach over and pinch her tiny cheek.
It's so soft and springy.
But she doesn't react at all. She must be out like a light.
With a small sigh of relief, I settle back into my seat.
Graduation.
My Big will be graduating in no time.
But I'm going to be all right.
My little Big has faith in me.
I won't let her down.
Meanwhile, I'll be looking forward to the day when little Big and I can go off on our adventures together, exploring the unknown.
This time, though, I'll be the one that takes the first step.
Reaching out, I take my little Big's hand in mine.
✦ ✦ ✦
Afterword
True communication is simply impossible without language. There is just no way to get your meaning across by remaining silent. While some people are exceptionally sensitive and have the ability to read unexpressed emotions and thoughts, the majority of people will never be able to really understand you without words.
Put another way, this means that without words, there is no real communication. You may think in your head, "that person's a piece of shit," for example, but unless those words come out of your mouth it's unlikely that they'll ever know it. Personally, I think if someone's being a bonehead, you should just go ahead and say it. Of course, that's not always possible given everything we have to take into account in our daily lives. Oftentimes there are so many factors to consider that being that straightforward isn't really an option.
So society does put some restrictions on what we can and can't say. I've been trying to be mindful of that lately. At the same time though, it's not healthy to keep bottling everything up. I often find someone I think I can spill my guts to, but the minute they're in front of me get caught up in how they might react and only ever get a third of it out. What they get is just a faint whisper of what I really wanted to say.
The problem with keeping everything in is that positive feelings like gratitude get trapped inside along with everything else. I often find myself lowering my head in embarrassment just trying to get out the words "thank you". I'm not a great speaker, so actually talking about what I feel is not easy for me. I much prefer to type it or write it instead. I'm envious of people who can simply let out whatever's inside them.
This novel is a story about a narrator who knows he won't be able to communicate unless he puts his feelings into words, but somehow he just can't do it and gets stuck in indecision. This character is pretty sure that his Big knows how he feels, but he also knows that she wants to hear him actually say it.
Acknowledgements
Special thanks to the editors of impress Quickbooks and to Mr. Suzuki for their kind assistance and guidance. Chiwawa Iwasaki, my illustrator, has created an adorable look for my female characters Katie and Little Big. It's hard to express the depth of my gratitude to them. I would also like to thank my friends for sticking by me and my family for always being there when I need them.
Most of all, my heartfelt thanks go out to everyone who takes the time to read this novel.
As a side note, this novel was originally published as one of the winners of the AKIBA PC Hotline Award, so the main setting was supposed to be in Akihabara. In fact, most of it takes place in AKIBA, which is a parallel dimension to Akihabara according to the story. At any rate, both Akihabara and AKIBA are purr-fectly strange worlds, don't mew think?