Chapter 16: Contemplation
"Finding something is like searching for your missing pieces. That's what I think."
Nearly an hour had passed since Katie left us.
We had been pacing back and forth through the alleys of AKIBA, thinking that was at least better than standing still.
But still no sign of our "missing pieces".
We were still clueless about what they even were.
At a total loss, I hear my Big break the silence…muttering quietly as if she were simply talking to herself.
"I look for something because I want it, because I don't have it, because I need it…because I am not yet satisfied. Because I lost it. Because it's a missing piece. A sweet chiffon cake finds its match in bitter coffee, and bitter coffee finds its match in sweet chiffon cake…"
She chats away calmly, hands clasped behind her back. Standing tall and confident, she looks around as if she can see right through the face of the world itself. One foot in front of the other, Big walks ahead of me steadily, planting her steps firmly as we trudge on through the labyrinth.
Our missing pieces…
It's not that I don't think I have anything missing…it's just that I can't possibly think of what the missing thing might be.
Does my Big know what I need? Does she know what she needs?
Her monologue continues. "You may choose to add sugar or cream to bitter coffee, but who's to say that one choice is wrong and one is right? It's simply a matter of preference. I'm thinking that there is no single right answer to the game. Because unlike the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, human beings do not have a definite shape. The number of "missing pieces" that could fit is endless. And it's not just confined to tangible, physical things. Psychological pieces like feelings, relationships and concepts might give you the answer as well…"
And with that, Big stops dead in her tracks.
She slowly brings her feet together and shakes out her hair a bit. She turns to face me.
"You know," she says, "no matter how bitter my coffee is, it always tastes delicious when I'm having fun with you."
Unselfconsciously, her face breaks open into a soft smile.
Big.
My little Big.
Despite her tiny little body, she is my whole world.
She speaks again. "I wonder what yours is. Of course, it's not mine to think about. You've got to figure it for yourself. It's something you have to find on your own."
She's talking like she's already found her answer.
And now it's up to me to find mine.
I've got to do it on my own, for myself.
Without counting on little Big to save me.
". . . . . . . . ."
Big will graduate soon.
Then she's off to college.
I still have another year of high school to go.
A whole year without seeing her.
And who knows if I'll even end up at the same university after that.
When it comes down to it, I'm no star student. I'll do my best for sure, but who knows if it will be enough? Will I be able to keep up with her?
I can't just let my little Big lead me around forever. I've got to start taking charge of my own life.
Think.
Think.
Think.
Think.
Think.
"Meeeow!! Your time is up!!"