This was partly true, but mostly just in-character for her persona to say. Furthermore, though Ai seemed to think her stance was unusual for a bookstore employee, it was precisely her experience working there that had shaped her actual opinion. Spending time at the bookstore had taught her that someone’s emotional intelligence did not necessarily correlate to the number or length of books they’d read.
Thus, she put no stock in the recommendations of authors or editors, let alone critics. When Girl’s March was nominated for an award, she couldn’t bear to read their insipid commentary. Naturally, she didn’t trust her friends’ or family’s opinions on novels, either. Most of them didn’t seem capable of differentiating between the majority opinion and their own. Ultimately, she understood that the only way to find books that were truly special to her was through sheer luck.
“I don’t know about anything shady going on with awards, but I agree, recs are a lot more trustworthy coming from friends. I feel the same way about music, too.”
“Right? Speaking of which, I was wondering. Why do you call me by my full name?”
“It just feels right,” he declared matter-of-factly, and she suspected that really was all there was to it. In Girl’s March, the protagonist was never given a name, but perhaps Ai liked to use a proper term of address.
“Anyway, what should we do now? We still have plenty of time.”
He seemed to interpret the name question as the end of their book discussion. He checked his wristwatch, then looked back at her. It, too, was different from the watch he was wearing last time. But what first appeared to be a dead end could, with a change of perspective, connect to a new road. In Akane’s eyes, Ai had just brought the conversation back to Girl’s March.
“Oh, that’s actually why I brought the book with me today!”
“What? It’s not a travel guide, is it?”
“No, but…um…I mean, if you don’t want to, it’s totally okay, but…”
“All right, what is it? Lay it on me.”
No matter what it was, he was open-minded enough to at least hear her out. She imagined herself drowning in the depth of his sincerity, her face gasping for breath just above the surface. Meanwhile, her brain carefully constructed what she was about to say.
“Ummm…”
There was a reason she had wanted to meet up here today. They had previously made a verbal promise to hang out somewhere, and in order to make that happen, she had engaged in several email exchanges with him. During that process, she had told him an objective she couldn’t complete without him:
“I wanna go see the music venue where you work, but I’m too scared to go alone! I’d like it if you could take me there!”
When she initially suggested it, she was mostly-but-not-totally sure he wouldn’t refuse. She hadn’t expected it would happen so soon—not even a week had elapsed since they first met—but from Ai’s perspective, it was probably just his soonest available day off. And now, after what had felt like an eternity of waiting, the big day was here.
Akane had already planned how to use the free time created by meeting up earlier than the event started. Though perhaps “planned” wasn’t altogether accurate. Like a travel guide, it was already plotted out for her.
“Now that I’ve met you, I was thinking maybe we could…do a couple things that Ai and the protagonist do together? It’s this part, right here…”
She opened Girl’s March to a bookmarked page and pointed at a specific section. Dutifully, Ai leaned in to read it, and she adjusted her arm so she wouldn’t accidentally touch him as she held the book up.
But she hadn’t been entirely honest with him.
Truth be told, there was also a scene in the book where the protagonist went to Ai’s workplace. But Akane wanted to present herself as sincerely interested in music venues, and she was confident Ai wouldn’t bother to read the book himself, so she boldly concealed this fact and fully wanted to die.
“Let’s do our nails together… Okay, so a nail salon?”
Ai’s nails were glossy, but colorless.
“No, I wasn’t thinking we’d go to a salon…” She nonchalantly closed the book around her fingers and held it to her chest. To make herself more likeable, she tilted her head down to the floor, then looked back up at him, as if uncertainly. “If…if it’s cool with you…could we maybe go buy nail polish somewhere?”
“Sure.” Knowing Ai, he likely would have agreed even if she hadn’t whipped out the puppy-dog eyes. “I don’t mind, but like I said before—maybe you’re the main character, but I’m definitely not her friend, and I have my own taste in colors and stuff.”
“That’s fine! Oh my god, you really don’t mind?”
“You’re the one who asked!”
“Yeah, I know, but…it just means so much! Oh, um…again, this is totally up to you, but…would you be willing to choose a color for me?”
“Sure, if I see one that I think would look good.”
“Yaaay! God, I can’t believe it!”
She never dreamed that her wish would come true…or so her body language would suggest. Framing it like the other person’s achievement made them feel empowered and accomplished—something she knew all too well.
Of course, deep down she understood that this, too, like the puppy-dog eyes, was wasted on a guy like Ai. Nevertheless, she couldn’t stop herself from trying to be liked.
“You’re so dramatic, Itobayashi Akane.”
When she saw him laughing, it once again made her want to die.
The moment they met, she had yearned to free herself from this compulsion. That much was certain. And yet his smile seemed like proof that he liked her, and she felt so elated… She smiled widely, then closed her mouth.
She could taste coppery red, clashing with the stark white room that overlaid her view.