It was likely none of the fans, or the staff, or even the other group members saw this as criticism. No one did—except Julia herself.
Once all the members were present and the room was full of chatter, they headed off to say hello to the event planners in charge of today’s concert. After some small talk, they held an all-hands meeting, followed by a full dress rehearsal. By the end, there was no time to rest—they needed to start prepping for the VIP pre-show.
For the most part, Impatiens ran their pre-show much the same as any other idol group. It was held at the concert venue, scheduled just before the concert itself would take place later the same day. Fans who wanted to take part would arrive at the venue several hours in advance and either purchase or pre-order the newest CD. In return, they received three pre-show entry tickets per CD sale. However, each concert enforced a purchase limit to prevent any one person from monopolizing the girls’ time.
The entry tickets could be used as follows: one ticket for a handshake with a group member, two tickets for a Polaroid photo with a group member, and three tickets for a Polaroid photo with two group members. In short, someone would need to buy at least three CDs if they wanted to interact with the entire group. This system was partly why the pre-show member popularity rankings didn’t correlate purely to name recognition.
As a former child star who had established a fanbase years ago, pre-shows were where Maki stole the spotlight. Her friendliness, lack of common sense, and free-spirited nature triggered a protective instinct, even among those who weren’t aware of her history, resulting in a demographic that trended older. As a result, Maki was the number one most popular at events like pre-shows, which required a certain level of disposable income.
For the opposite reason, the easily most well-known member, Ao, barely made a dent in the pre-show rankings. This was partly because her outspoken attitude made some fans uncomfortable, but the bigger, far simpler reason was this: her die-hard stans were overwhelmingly teens and tweens, many of whom were limited in their ability to take part in paid events typically scheduled on weekdays.
As for Julia, she ranked third, bested only by Maki and their leader Sakuna. Pre-shows were where her unique demographic became readily apparent, because the gender ratio skewed heavily in favor of women. Most of them seemed to want an idol who was cool rather than cutesy; during her Polaroid requests, many asked her for headpats, and she received romantic interest from both sides of the gender divide.
Her pre-show interactions were yet another aspect that she and the fans had sculpted together. Outside of the singular anomaly in which she had asked someone not to come back, the overall nuance had thus far remained mostly the same. Today, however, she was as nervous as if it was her idol debut all over again. This would be her first public appearance since the video incident, and naturally, she couldn’t afford to let it show on her face. It wasn’t part of the storyline she and the fans had co-written.
Externally, the pre-show appeared to proceed without a hitch. In her partitioned space, Julia spoke with fans of all backgrounds, shook hands, and took photos, during which most—though not all—brought up the video. A handful of them volunteered their opinion on the old Julia, and every word of approval stabbed into the new Julia like a knife to the gut. What hurt most of all, however, was a (most likely offhand) remark from a male fan whose smile she recognized from a bunch of other pre-shows.
“You’re allowed to open up to us, you know!”
“I’m already open, though.”
She donned her coolest expression for the Polaroid, promised to see him again, then waved goodbye. Obviously she knew he hadn’t meant any harm, so she would never hold it against him or anything, but…it was wearing away at her. This was perhaps the first time she had ever felt exhausted emotionally rather than physically, and she was startled by the toll it was taking on her legs.
The only thing that kept her standing was the knowledge that there were fans out there who fully embraced the narrative she had so carefully cultivated for them. The next person who walked in was a female college student who, upon asking for a nickname, Julia had once christened after the charm on her bag.
“I know everybody’s excited, and I don’t want to be a wet blanket, but…personally, I think you’re really cool the way you are now,” she told Julia with a firm look in her eyes.
This meant so much to her. But if she expressed too much joy, particularly to one single fan, it could potentially damage the storyline later on. So she grasped the girl’s hand with her usual Gotou Julia bravado and replied, “I’m gonna get even cooler, just you wait.”
Thankfully, this fan wasn’t the only one willing to assert that they preferred the current version of Julia. Over the past week she had seen plenty of them on social media, and in fact she’d spoken to some at this very pre-show. But Julia was only human, and even with hundreds of shields, it only took a single blade—even one that appeared innocuous to everyone else—to slice through them like paper.
The final straw that day came from a girl she recognized, who said it was her first time attending a pre-show.
“Oh, you’re here! I’m glad to see you again.”
“You remember me?!”
“Of course! When a pretty girl walks up to me, I take notice.”
“Nooo, no, no, you’re killing me! Oh my gosh, I thought I’d need to remind you!”
The girl beamed bashfully, dressed not in an apron like the last time they met, but in a frilly miniskirt and a full-length plaid coat. Julia remembered thinking the girl had the vibe of a pop star. Then it clicked: she was likely the type who was used to hearing that she was pretty.
“So like, this is my first time doing a ‘Polaroid’ or whatever… How does it work?”
“Well, I can pose with you if you like, or we could do something more casual.”
Julia was so relieved. When they first met, this girl had mentioned she had just seen them perform live for the first time. Judging by the nuances at work here, it wasn’t that she was an existing fan who had been waiting for the opportunity, but rather that something about them had piqued her interest on a whim. And since she was clearly new to interacting with celebrities, this interpretation appeared to be correct. Most likely she was a fan of Girl’s March who had found Impatiens through the theme song connection.
That was the moment Julia let her guard down.
To a new fan, her past, present, and future were equally unknown. A new fan would accept it all in juxtaposition in order to form a celebrity-fan bond with her from this day forward. Julia was confident of that. But of course, like any other conviction, it was only eighty to ninety percent situational analysis plus ten to twenty percent faith.
As the girl waffled back and forth over poses for the Polaroid, Julia made eye contact with a nearby staff member as she made a suggestion: “How about we link arms?”
“What, really? Am I allowed to touch you?”
“Yeah, as long as you don’t try to manhandle me. I’ve even had people ask me to bite their heads before.”
The girl’s jaw dropped. Evidently, a new fan who didn’t know about her association with kaiju wouldn’t understand why someone would ask for that. Nervously, she positioned herself at Julia’s side and timidly offered her arm.
Times like these, Julia knew exactly what to do. Linking their arms, she pulled the fan in close. She could practically imagine the girl’s heart rate spiking, though all she actually felt was a hitch of breath and a petite frame beneath a heavy coat. The photograph developed in mere moments, and Julia handed it to her directly.
“Thanks for being brave enough to come see me. I hope I see you again.” She’d be lying if she said she didn’t care about sales or success, but she bundled it with her true feelings and delivered it in a fitting style, purposely signaling the end of her own respite.
“Yeah, same! Thank you, Julia-chan! I’ll be back sometime!”
“Cool!”
“And, um…actually…” The girl donned an eager smile that carried no trace of cruel intent. “What gave me the courage was knowing you’re friends with Ai-san.”
In an instant, Julia forgot to breathe.
“……Ai?”
It was like the girl had reached her fingers through a gap in Julia’s heart and pried it open. From deep inside, she heard her own voice calling that name for the first time in years.
“Which Ai-san are you talking about? Is this a Twitter handle or something?” she asked, hoping she had managed to recover convincingly.
“The Ai-san from that old video! When I saw you two talking, you seemed really sweet, and it made me a bigger fan of yours.”
“Ah…”
“I’m sure he and I will come see you again sometime!”
The innocent girl waved goodbye all the way until she disappeared beyond the partition. In response, Julia made sure to wave back. She even donned a smile, praying the girl couldn’t see the alarm bells ringing behind her stiff cheeks.
Something deep down was screaming that she was in trouble—that everything was going to fall apart, and soon.
The problem wasn’t that someone had learned of a personal relationship. In the grand scheme of things, that was a minor detail. No, the problem was that a new fan had resulted from a positive impression of an attribute outside the pop star persona of Gotou Julia. This alone threatened to tear down every last shield protecting her heart. Normally, she could have stood her ground in the face of any malaise. Now, she suddenly felt as though there was nothing beneath her feet at all.
It wasn’t the girl’s fault. No one was at fault. The simple fact of the matter was that Julia now felt as though everything she’d built over the past few years, and the choice she had made on that fateful day, was invalidated. No one could point a finger at anyone.
As it turned out, her alarm bells proved correct, and she completely fell apart during the rest of the pre-show and the concert that followed (in her eyes, anyway, even if she’d only coincidentally made a handful of small mistakes). But because it was such a rare occurrence, most of her fans defended her visible flaws as real and raw and human.