I realized that, to some degree, there was a bit of deception and bashfulness mixed in to hide the true nature of her thoughts. I also knew that I had an appearance that the opposite sex found somewhat attractive, and that my expressions usually weren’t the kind to make others uncomfortable, so I just said, “Well, guess I’m glad to hear that.” Saitou had latched on to that immediately, leading into these private exchanges of ours that persisted to this day.
Incidentally, when Saitou had asked me why I decided to go out with her at that same time, I gave her the answer I figured she wanted to hear:
“From what you’ve said, it sounds like you’ve had a tough path up until now. I just want to know more about that.” Then, I doubled down. “And because I guess I’m just more of a sucker for a pretty face than I thought.”
Perhaps because of her makeup and her expressions, Saitou’s face gave a very different impression from the gloomy one it once did—that was the sort of thing that men would probably like, so I supposed my answer wasn’t entirely a lie. That seemed to lighten her mood, so it didn’t matter what I really felt.
Just as the taste of food had somehow deadened for me, at some point so had my hunger and fatigue and lust. They were not entirely gone, but while I could satisfy my hunger and fatigue on my own, there were a limited number of ways to satisfy that third desire. It was advantageous to have a member of the opposite sex of a certain level of attractiveness by my side to make it past the physical and mental hurdles. That was as much as I ever thought about the appearance of the opposite sex.
There was no real kindness born of that.
Though Saitou took as many opportunities as possible to touch me while we were in private, she was not the type to demand physical contact when we went out. We kept a fair amount of distance between us as we rode the train to whatever station for whatever theater.
The crowd was sparse, perhaps because this was an amateur performance.
I had never once been moved by witnessing someone else’s creation, but I had forced myself to experience many different things when I was a teenager, so I did at least have some basis for judgment. Even if I wasn’t especially moved, I could still typically understand the structure of the story that was being told. That said, what I witnessed this time with Saitou surpassed even my own lack of knowledge, veering into the incomprehensible. It didn’t help that I had no idea what the men on stage were even referencing.
In other words, I couldn’t even find the plot.
Perhaps, back in the day, I would have been fascinated by the fact that such a work even existed. Now, though, I felt like I might as well have spent ninety minutes staring at a blank wall.
There were a few words from the performers and the director after the show, but I didn’t get the point of that either. The curtain fell and the house lights came up, and the pair of us looked at each other. I could tell by her expression what she thought of it. We stood up at once and exited the theater, then we decided to wander around the area.
After a little while, as though she had finally surfaced from underwater, she let out a sigh.
“Phew!”
It almost sounded scripted.
“I didn’t get that at all. Oh, I mean, sorry if you liked it, Kaya-kun. Did you get it?”
“No, honestly, I’m relieved to hear you say that. I had no idea what was going on either.”
That seemed to relieve some tension in her. I had realized over the past few months that she seemed to derive some special sort of joy from sharing opinions with the people close to her.
We stopped at an independent café nearby for a late lunch. The weather was nice, so we took a seat on the terrace and opened our menus. Neither of us were particularly indecisive when it came to these things, so by the time a waiter came over with our water and hot towels, we were ready to place our orders.
“I really didn’t get that show, but…” As Saitou sipped her iced tea, which had come out first, something possessed her to bring up the performance again. “They were super passionate. Like, they seemed really genuine, like they were honestly excited about what they were doing. I did enjoy that about it.”
“Yeah, it did seem like they were pretty into it.”
“Right?”
That meant nothing to me. I doubted that she had gotten any special meaning out of it either, but she seemed to be trying to eke some sort of symbolism out of the performance. I supposed it was scary to think that you’d wasted your time on something utterly pointless. It was only after that gust of wind had left you that you could learn to recognize and admit that all time was a waste. What was the point in wringing sentiment out of things? If values and emotions didn’t bubble up from within you naturally, then it was all just a lie, wasn’t it?
“What’s the matter?”
“Oh, nothing. I was just thinking those guys were probably just college students.”
“At least half of them are, apparently. They said so online.”
We started eating at once when our food arrived. “What a sophisticated flavor…!” she opined, confirming for me that this was a dish that even other people would find bland.
“I wonder sometimes,” she said haughtily.
“About what?”
“When I see young people like those performers, or the ones in bands, I wonder if I could have ever chosen that sort of life. You ever think about that?”
“Mm, not really, I guess.”
Not in the slightest. If I thought about what I could have done differently every time I had regrets, I’d be dwelling on those things forever.
“I think you have a lot more confidence than I do. I feel like I worked pretty hard to get to where I am today, but I have no idea if I can maintain such a good life in the future. So I end up fantasizing about the other lives I could have lived.”
Her evaluation of me was completely off the mark.
I didn’t think her evaluation of herself was correct, either. I could tell by the way she talked about herself that she genuinely believed her life was a battle that she had fought and won. Even if she did lack confidence in herself, uncertain if she could continue living what she thought was a pretty good life, now and then Saitou still seemed to mistake her own life for something special.
“No matter what path you chose, I’m pretty sure you’d thrive, Sanae.”
“I guess. If you think so, then it must be true.”
She must’ve really had a lot of faith in me.
“I suppose there’s no point in talking hypotheticals anyway. You can wish all you want, but it won’t change your life overnight, and you can’t take back the past. You said that you studied military and foreign policy in school, right? Did you ever consider finding a career in those fields?”
“I was interested in them as school subjects, but I don’t think I’d like to work in them.”
That was a lie. I wasn’t interested in them, but I’d had a goal in mind. However, I wasn’t lucky enough to possess the intellect of someone who could change the world as a scholar.
“What about you?” I asked. “You were in legal studies, weren’t you?”
“Being a lawyer never really crossed my mind either. Though when I was in school, I guess I did think that it would be pretty fun at least once.”
“When was that?”
“Mmm, don’t remember. Guess I’m going senile already!”
She laughed. I laughed along with her.
“But then, we’re the same age, aren’t we? I’m sure you’ve already forgotten all about back then too.”
Then, suddenly…
“No.”
Once this surprise, unplanned denial had spilled from my mouth, I had no choice but to continue the thought. But when I thought about it, this was something I needed to assert, but at least it wasn’t an inconvenience.
“There are some things that I’ll never forget.”
I meant to say this calmly, with a smile, but the tone came out all wrong. My brain had given the right commands, but my mouth had not received the message. Saitou’s right eyelid twitched slightly. It was something of a habit of hers when she felt that the atmosphere had shifted.
“Like that time I lent you my umbrella,” I went on to explain.
“Oh, c’mon, you only remember that because I reminded you! I thought you actually had something serious to say.” She seemed to be waving this off to give me a last chance at an out.
I thought about it. Some genuine part of my heart had suddenly made itself known. Still, it was hopeless. Anything else was fine—I’d share whatever other opinions I had with Saitou, or anyone.
There was only one thing that I would never, ever forget, and that was the only thing that I could share with no one else.
I smoothed things over with Saitou, and we ate up the rest of our flavorless meal.
Through these bland, endless days, how could I possibly forget—ever even think of forgetting—that incomparable gale? Those glittering memories?