“Well…I’m actually really bad at drawing, so I don’t think a self-portrait would even start to capture any of my actual appearance. I don’t think I could manage a picture that would give you any real impression.”
“Not at all?”
“I really don’t think so.”
“Heh.”
I know it was rude of me, but I couldn’t help but let out a compounding laugh, both at how cute it was that the worldly Chika was so bad at drawing that she’d been worried about even admitting to it, and at my own mental picture of how bad she might actually be. Naturally, I did apologize, not wanting her to hate me.
“Sorry, I don’t mean to laugh at your shortcomings. It’s just that you were so serious about it.”
I had apologized, but she continued to stare at me, silent, as though wounded. Crap, was she actually angry at me this time?
Still, her eyes seemed completely different from when I had heard her raise her voice in anger before. Certain that my intuition must be lacking again—as someone who’d never had a talent for reading people—I apologized once more.
“I really am sorry if I made you feel bad.”
“It’s fine, I don’t. You’d probably just laugh more if you saw my drawings. That’s not why I was quiet. I was happy.”
“Happy?”
It would have been even more shocking to learn that Chika was the sort of person who enjoyed her own shortcomings being laughed at, but that wasn’t it.
“That was the first time I’ve ever seen you smile. It made me happy.”
“…Was it really?”
I was aware that I rarely smiled, but still, in all the time we had spent together, with the sense of fulfillment I had cultivated here, had I truly never once smiled?
“Yeah. As far as I can remember, anyway. I don’t know how it is in your world, but here, seeing the smile of someone you treasure is a joyful thing. I was so happy at seeing it for the first time that I couldn’t speak.”
“I…I see. I’m not sure it’s something so amazing in our world that it’d leave you speechless, but, yeah, seeing your smile makes me happy too.”
I remembered how much joy coursed through my body when I’d been able to confirm that narrowing her eyes meant she was smiling. And now, though it wasn’t enough to render me silent or reduce me to tears, I was happy to hear her say how much I meant to her as though it was natural.
“Well then, I’ll make an effort to smile a bit more in the future.”
“Don’t force yourself, of course, but it does make me happy to see.”
“I’ll just try to keep it in mind.”
For the first time in my life, I was aware of my own smile. What else might this lead to?
I wouldn’t have any idea how bad Chika’s drawings were until I saw them, and we had no idea if the experiment would even work in the first place, but we decided that I would bring a notebook and pen with me the next time I came.
Just then, my pocket vibrated.
There was no one outside of my family who had my contact info and would bother to use it. I knew without looking that it was my mother texting me “Time to come home” or something. I would normally just ignore this, but I already owed them a debt for all the trouble I had caused.
“Sorry, Chika, I have to get going.”
“Rare to see you leave first.”
That was true. I never wanted to be the first to go.
“Yeah, my family’s calling me.”
“I see. Hey, Kaya…”
Knowing that my time with Chika was ending, my tension melted away in proportion to my heightened sense of regret. This was the first time I realized how much emotional and physical strength it took to be with the person you liked. My regret was real, but there was also a moment of relief.
“What kind of times are you supposed to kiss someone?”
And yet, I found myself dragging that strength back at breakneck speed. I had started to look away, but she sucked my gaze right back in.
“What kind of times…? I guess…when the atmosphere and timing are just right.”
“I don’t get it.”
We were struggling enough just to understand each other’s cultures without trying to understand things like “the mood” too.
“Okay,” she continued. “Are there any kinds of feelings that prompt it?”
“Well, whenever you want to do it, I guess.”
Why do you eat? Because you’re hungry. That was how stupid my answer sounded, but I had no idea how else to put it.
“Obviously I can’t feel it, but do you mean, like, when your rohmantick feelings grow really strong? Like when you feel an especially strong love for your family and really want to hug them.”
I had no idea. I’d never felt anything like that with my own family.
“I guess so. It’s like when you love someone so much you can’t help yourself.”
“Kaya…”
I had never expected the flow of the conversation to go this way, but no part of me was capable of refusing her.
“How do you feel right now?”
My desire to be faithful to Chika’s principles and my own selfish desire to be faithful to the love I felt were at odds with one another, so I continued to fret, unable to separate them. But in the end, I could only give an honest answer.
“Like I love you so much I can’t help myself.”
“Is there a limit to how many times you can kiss?”
“No.”
She’d said that she didn’t get it, but there they were, the timing and the atmosphere. If we both closed our eyes, it didn’t matter if I couldn’t see her or she couldn’t see me. We found one another in that quiet darkness.
“Sorry for being so selfish,” she said when we moved back to our original distance, echoing words I was sure I had once said myself. “I just wanted to increase the number. I thought that I might get more used to it, get better at it. But it feels like I’m just using your feelings.”
It would be foolish and overblown to say that she had shot right through me.
“As long as you didn’t dislike it, I don’t mind.”
In the end, I kept my foolish words to myself. Over and over again our lips intertwined as I stayed in her embrace, once more unable to divorce my consideration from my feelings, before I headed back home.