Saying this, she moved her hand off mine and down to her knee, entrusting herself to me.
This was a concept that didn’t exist in her world, a practice fully unknown to her, so I could have come up with any reason I wanted to get out of it. But I could no longer run from my feelings for her, and I didn’t want her to think even the slightest bit that I’d lied by refusing her now.
No, even that was an excuse.
I wanted to touch her. I wanted to get as close as I possibly could.
I wanted to know how her lips felt. I was intent on doing this. My warning that I was about to start caught in my throat, and I could not speak.
First, with the position of her eyes as a guide, I moved my fingers from her cheek, looking for her nose. I noticed my fingers shaking.
“Is it scary?”
She could feel me shivering.
“Nah, um, no, but…I guess I am scared. I don’t think I can come back from this feeling.”
“Is not coming back from it a bad thing?”
“Not as long as you’re here.”
“Well, I am here.”
I could tell her face was moving as her eyes narrowed. My fingers slipped down from her nose and alighted on something soft. I felt that something soft flex as her eyes returned to their usual roundness. It was probably the corners of her mouth rising and returning to normal. At first, I was simply glad to know that Chika’s expression was in fact a smile, desperately holding back the feeling of something strange welling up in the corners of my eyes.
“Is here, on your lips, okay?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay then, close your eyes.”
The two lights immediately disappeared. The only thing before my eyes now was darkness. Still, I felt her. She was definitely there.
From the outside, this would have been a ridiculous scene, but that didn’t matter. All we needed was what was true and real to us.
“What should I do with my mouth?” she asked.
“Just keep it closed. You don’t have to close it tightly though, just relax.”
“This feels like when I’m sleeping.”
All sense of intention disappeared from my fingertips. By tracing the softness, I could tell that her lips were the same shape as a human’s. There was a slight gap between the top and bottom, not closing entirely.
“Should I stay still?”
“Yeah, just wait. Just like that.”
If I said something as ridiculous as “Just wait for my lips,” I would have laughed in my own face. It would’ve been a forced laughter to ease my own nerves, of course…and I couldn’t actually laugh in that moment.
I felt my heartbeat grow louder with every pounding pulse. I worried that this tension might even spread to my lips. Nervous as I was, though, I didn’t intend to stop at this point. I cast aside the logical version of myself that was certain that if I stepped onto the slippery slope of intent, desire, love, and then lust, I might be dragged all the way down it.
“Okay then. Um, if you do hate it…”
“I’m fine,” she said, cutting me off, and I said not another needless word. I was afraid I would lose my resolve if I spoke again.
I moved the middle and ring finger of my right hand, which had been on her lips, to her cheek. Of course, I couldn’t find her lips without a landmark, so I kept my palm on her chin, touching my thumb to the corner of her mouth.
“Teach me how to kiss,” she had said. There was no point in trying to explain it. I just had to do it.
How to kiss.
Wait, how did you do it?
It wasn’t as though I had no experience, but thinking about it, I had never once actively thought about the methodology of kissing. Should I aim for her top lip or bottom? Which of my own lips should make contact first? How forcefully and for how long?
I honestly had no idea how to kiss.
It probably didn’t help that I had never proactively done it. I thought hard, but I really had no idea. I couldn’t stand around keeping her waiting forever though. Simply having knowledge and experience of something was hardly any different from flat-out not knowing about it at all. Still, it was a bit late for dwelling on what I did and did not know.
I lowered my head and took a deep breath. I looked once more to the place where Chika’s face would be and brought my own face closer. What shape was I supposed to make with my mouth, again? Chika had said it was like being asleep. I’d go along with that.
I swallowed my spit and relaxed my lips. A small gap formed between them. Keeping position with my thumb, I moved in slowly. I tilted my head slightly so as not to run into her nose.
Both of us were already perfectly silent, wordless.
I wondered what she was thinking. Maybe she found this interesting as an artifact of a foreign culture. I hoped she felt something more than that, even if it was just nerves. I hoped that she felt the same way as me. My own nerves and my raging heartbeat were threatening the still darkness around us. I ignored the sound of the watch on my left wrist.
And then…we touched. Our upper lips collided.
Chika’s lips moved slightly on reflex. I held back a moment, but she didn’t seem to reject it, so I chose to believe that—as she had said before—she was all right with this.
We took a breath together.
We moved from just touching our upper lips to fitting a bit closer together until our lower lips touched as well.
My whole body went numb. For several seconds, I was frozen in that position. I could feel her heat close by. At the tips of my lips, I felt a distinct warmth and moisture.
With all my strength, I slid my bottom lip from Chika’s, poking at her top lip. Chika gave not the slightest reaction. All I could feel were her lips, distinct from the rest of her face. The slick sensation sent electricity through my body again.
I could give only the tritest of impressions.
Her lips…were sweet.
There was nothing on the tip of my tongue, but I knew I was picking up on some sweetness.
Her lips parted slightly. I wondered if this was the right time.
To be honest, I hated to think that it was already over. This was our last time together in this place after all, now that the siren was broken. Still, I didn’t want to annoy her. Softly, I pulled my lips, which were pinched gently around her upper lip, away. In this midst of this, I had already taken my hand from her face to remove the insistent watch from my wrist and place it atop the bench.